Done with school!!

I am officially done with school!!! Took my exam this morning and I'm finished until January 26th :) feels great to be done. Although I like school and I will miss the learning. I think my final went well. I was confident with most of the questions. Some of them were challenging but I think I did ok! 

Breakfast this morning was super yummy. English muffin with pumpkin spice cream cheese, greek yogurt with berries, and coffee with lots of soy milk. One of my favorite breakfasts. I love the sweet cream cheeses.... Pumpkin, strawberry, honey nut... All really tasty. They are especially good on cinnamon toast or cinnamon raisin bagels. Yummy.

So what am I going to do while school is out?? Well Monday's I am going to rest an little! Being able to sleep a bit will be nice. And I am going to pick up another shift at petco on Wednesdays. And lots of groups. We will have lots of Christmassy events going on to stay busy, and I get to celebrate my birthday!! Lots of good things happening :) exciting!!! 

Have a lovely Monday!

Last night of school!

Tonight is my last night of classes officially. I have a final on Monday but other than that I am done! I can't believe I've made it through a whole semester! I am so grateful and happy to be healthy and strong enough to get through school. I calculated my grades today and I have As in both classes :) it's only community college but that's ok it still counts. I'm hard on myself. This semester has been a success and I should be glad about that.

I'm very hard on myself. If I'd gotten a B in my class Id probably be disappointed. I've always been that way... Setting sometimes impossible standards for myself. But I'm trying to be reasonable and give myself the credit I deserve.

I get to see my family tomorrow for family session and then spend time with them Saturday to do something fun. I am excited to spend time with my sister this weekend and the weekend after for my birthday. I can't believe I'll be 22! This year was really long and really short all at the same time. It's been quite the year. But I'm alive and kicking. 

I hope you all have a nice evening. Stay strong!!

Happy Wednesday

Hello, and Happy Wednesday! Half way through the week! This morning I am going to school and then I get to pick my classes and sign up for next semester! Last time I signed up for classes it was really stressful because the internet was SOOOO slow and jam packed. So I'm hoping today will be better. I will be taking two classes in psychology and one child development course. I'm pretty excited for next semester.

It's a rainy, gloomy, ugly day. And my warm boots are still soaking wet from last night. I wish I had better rain-wear but I don't. I just have to suck it up haha. Hopefully I won't have to walk in pouring rain like I did last night.

Eating is going well. For breakfast I packed an egg sandwich, Greek yogurt with peaches, and coffee with soy milk. It's my favorite breakfast right now. I love egg whites. I know I should probably use the whole egg, but for now I feel comfortable with the whites. It's a good source of protein.. but I should probably get over my "fear" of real eggs. My coffee this morning is not satisfying as it has only one sweetener. But I am trying really hard to tame my tastebuds and get used to things that aren't as sweet. I am determined to follow through with this experiment!

Today is also family therapy. I am quite nervous. I wasn't in therapy last week so I don't know what my parents and sister talked about. I have a lot of work to do in there and sometimes all I want to do is shut down. I'm going to try to stay present and keep myself together. I'll update about family therapy later.

Have a lovely Wednesday!

New day

It's a new day. A new start. A chance to be successful. I am SO grateful that every day is a new beginning.

Today I plan to follow my meal plan and not have any behaviors. I know I can do it. I did it on Saturday! Yesterday wasn't as successful but that's ok. It's a new day and I can so do this. I am determined!!!!

Breakfast this morning is Greek yogurt with granola cereal and blueberries. That is a healthy, wonderful breakfast that I deserve to keep down. Hopefully it will fill me up and I will be satisfied. I've had problems the past few weeks of being really hungry even after I've had my meal and followed my meal plan. I'm hoping this breakfast will be filling and satisfying.

Today I'm wearing a new sweater that I bought and it feels really comfortable. It helps to wear comfortable clothes. It's a loose sweater so I won't worry so much about body image. That's always good. I'm wearing my favorite skirt as well. It's a bit cooler today, thank goodness! It's November and the weather has been in the high 80s and low 90s! Ridiculous, and we are in the middle of a drought. I'm glad it's cooling down. I can bring out my wintery clothes :)

I'm off to school.
Happy Monday!

Keep going

I have a lot going on. Therapy, school, volunteering... I'm pretty overwhelmed. It feels that I have no time to myself. I saw my therapist this morning, and she asked me "how am I handling all this?" I mean the stuff I'm studying in school is pretty triggering... child birth, child abuse, parenting, family, socialization. It's hard stuff to think about. I am writing a big project about my childhood, how I was socialized, all the ways I was overlooked and mistreated as a child. We are watching live births in school... more than traumatizing lol. I can't believe the things that women go through. I want to have kids some day, but child birth just seems horrifying. Anyway... I have therapy every day of the week, I'm in groups, I volunteer twice a week.. my schedule is packed. Yet I'm keeping myself together.

How am I staying on track? Well first, I have too much to look forward to to fall apart now. I love school, I am going on a trip to New Orleans over winter break, I am reconnecting with my family, I have my sister to be a good role model to. I just can't slip back now. There's too much good stuff going on. When I feel that I am going to slip back into old behaviors, I picture a big stop sign in my head, stopping me from heading in a direction that I DON'T want to go in. Behind my stop sign I see residential housing, the hospital, depression, eating disorder behaviors... all the things I DO NOT want to happen. I want to stay on track. And somehow I'm managing to do just that.

When you feel like giving up think about all the good things in your life. Think about how much better things can get and then work hard to stay healthy so you can DO those things!! I know that helps me stay on track. I can't give up now and neither can you. Never ever stop fighting!

No calorie counting

Yesterday was my first day in a while of no calorie counting and it felt great! I wasn't obsessively calculating the numbers I'd eaten on my phone. I was able to enjoy some chocolate without freaking out. And I went to bed feeling like i had eaten the right amount. It felt good. I didn't panic over 50 extra calories. I ate what was on my meal plan and it felt like enough. That feels like an accomplishment. Today will be another day of no counting. It's a waste of time and there are better things to count in this world! 

This morning I have therapy and then later I have groups. I'm getting pretty tired of therapy to be honest. It feels like I do therapy all day every day... And i would really like a day off. I feel like every day I'm up early and going to school or therapy or petco. It's tiring! I am very happy though because I got 100% on my quiz for school last night. Finally I'm doing better with school!! Getting back into the swing of things feels good. And my classes are really interesting! It's just a lot of work. 

Breakfast was Greek yogurt, granola; blackberries, peanuts, and a coffee with lots of soy milk. Tasted delicious! What did you have for breakfast?

Have a great day!!

School

School is hard right now.. it's not that the classes themselves are hard, it's the content that's really hard to deal with. In one of my classes, Child Growth and Development, we are learning about development in the womb and childbirth. And we have to watch videos. And it is really not pretty. Women giving birth is NOT something I enjoy watching. In fact it really disturbs me... I guess women give birth to babies every day and it's a natural process but it just looks SO abnormal. Pushing out a baby sounds like the most painful thing in the world.

In my other class, Child, Family, and Community, we are talking about parenting and child abuse :( We are working on a big project about socialization, talking about our life and how we were socialized as a child. As I go through this project I am faced with the fact that I was very poorly socialized. I never developed a secure attachment to an adult when I was a child, and that left me somewhat socially delayed. And it was many people and many different instances in my life where I was maltreated. It's hard to read about the prevalence of child abuse. It happens every day. It happened to me. Children are small and innocent and unable to defend themselves, and every day adults take advantage of that vulnerability. So sad.

Today has been a good day. This afternoon I went out with my parents and my sister and we painted pottery! We went to a ceramics cafe and painted a platter together and it was really fun. My dad just couldn't get his paint brush steady... my sister cracks me up. But we had a really good time just spending time together as a family. I'm grateful for the progress my family has made, so grateful. We have come a really long way. I can't believe things used to be so bad. Things are finally looking up for us as a family. And that makes me happy.

Back to studying!

Missed the bus

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed because I have two quizzes due this week.. one due Saturday the other one is due next Wednesday. I know I have plenty of time, and I know the quizzes are open book so it won't be too hard to do well, I just feel like it's a lot. I haven't had to do schoolwork in a very long time so getting used to homework is just an adjustment for me. I've always been a good student... I'm sure I'll pass and do ok. I just always strive for excellence. I hope I do well in these classes.

I'm such a goof ball... I got on the wrong bus today after class. I didn't realize that I had gotten on the express bus instead of the regular bus, so I ended up at the trolley station for thirty minutes waiting for my actual bus to come. I was so afraid I'd have to walk a few miles home! Luckily another bus was on the way. It's lame that the busses only come an hour apart from each other... I have to get to class an hour before class starts and I can't leave school until an hour after my class ends. I wish the busses came more often. Oh well.

I see my parents today for family therapy.. I don't know that I'm looking forward to family therapy. Our usual therapist just had a baby and is on maternity leave, so my really tough therapist is running our family meetings. Last week's session was really hard and I was left crying and sad. My parents didn't make me cry, the therapist did. Hah. She's the tough one. I know she's pushing me and making me feel things that I need to feel but it does not feel good. It feels awful. Even my dad said he thinks this therapist is scary!

I am going to make lunch in a few minutes and continue with my day.

Until later :)

Life is busy!

Life is pretty crazy right now. School Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, petco on Friday and Saturday, and groups all week. I've gone from having basically no responsibilities to having LOTS to do! And I'm moving to independent housing so I'll have to pack up my stuff... And I write on my blog, and there's a family day on Friday and I might see my sister.... AHH! So much to do!!

But I can handle this. I love school and I love learning and my classes interest me. I look forward to studying for them and learning more about children and their development and growth. I get to study actual kids, which I love. I'm not too worried about the classes. But school is overwhelming! I'm back in the swing of things really all of a sudden!

Moving into independent housing will mean lots more freedom and also more work and responsibility. I'll be cooking more, I'll bee responsible for my medicines and more chores... But I'll have time to myself as well. No supervison all the time means more privacy and just a better, more grown-up feeling. I'm excited for the new freedoms and responsibilities.

I could cut back on the amount of time I work at petco, but the kitties make me happy! I don't want to cut out any time I might have to play with fuzzy friends :) I love my kitties and I've committed to volunteering so I will continue. It's mostly just playing with cats which I love. Easy job.

Lots of big things are happening AND I'm maintaining my weight and recovery. Of course my health comes first so I'm making sure to take care of that. I'll be bringing dinner with me to school tonight to eat on break or during class. I'll just pack a sandwich I think and then get a drink at school. I'm excited. Things are really exciting right now. I just have to stay on track and everything will contiue to be amazing!!

Moments of doubt

All day I've been really excited... so many good things are happening! Started school, moving to independent living, it's all good. But I'll admit I've had a few hours of doubt. Sudden questioning of myself... can I really be a student? Can I really maintain my recovery while in school? Can I keep my weight up? Can I eat everything and be independent and be successful?? So many questions and no answers.

I feel unsure of myself. I feel doubtful that I can really do this. But at least I'm no overly confident right? That wouldn't be good. I think it's good to be cautious, careful.... but I don't want to be down on myself. I feel myself sinking a little bit, and I can't allow that to happen. Last time I was about to start school I almost died, and part of me is scared of that happening again. Scared that I'll wake up one morning and freak out and undo all the work I've done... or even worse, not wake up at all. This idea terrifies me. I was doing so well... eating, driving, volunteering... and then suddenly I woke up and I was on a ventilator. Not breathing. Not able to move. That can't happen again. Can't can't won't won't won't. But I guess I'm afraid.

This time is different. I have a treatment team who cares about me and is invested in my well being. They work really hard to make sure I'm safe and healthy and that I'm being honest. 8 months ago I didn't have a dietician or a therapist who knew what was going on. I have support. I also have my parents in my life. They have made enormous changes in the past few months and I feel that they care about me. Things are different now. I am not alone.

I can make it work this time. I can be successful as a student and as a healthy adult. I CAN stay healthy. I think, for the first time, I am going to make it.

Never ever give up.
Plugging along.

First day of school!!

Today is my first day of school :) and I am so excited!!!! I love school and I love learning. Hopefully I'll meet some nice people too. Finally I am back to real life!!!

Breakfast this morning is a bagel with peanut butter and fruit.

 Have an amazing day!!!!

 

Exciting things are happening!!

I am SO excited! Big things are happening in my life and they are changing for the better!! Today I went to my new school, found my class rooms, and got my text books. EEK! I am going to be a student again and I am so very excited about it.  A chance to learn and grow and thrive. Finally! It's time. I have my books I am going to start reading, I have a notebook and some pens (I love school supplies so I'll probably get more) and I have my bag. I'm ready to start on Monday!

ALSO BIG NEWS: I am moving into independent housing next week probably Wednesday or Thursday! It's really happening! I am going to be a free woman! Walk on my own, not have to ask for sharps and chemicals, take my own medicine, have my pets. So many good things!!

I have been known to self sabotage at times when things are going really well. But not this time. I am strong.

I CANNOT GIVE UP NOW!!!!

Starting school

I am so nervous!!! I start school on monday. I am really excited, believe me, but I am also crawling out of my skin with nerves!!! The classes I'm taking are both classes that I'm really interested in so I should do well... but I haven't been a student in two years! SO much to learn. figuring out my schedule, figuring out the bus system (I have to take public transportation) getting my books, getting all my school supplied. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I love back to school shopping! But I am also really really nervous.
I can do this. I can. I was a straight A student my entire life, that won't change. I have plenty of support from my treatment team, from my parents, from friends... I will do this. I am so glad my life is starting to get back to normal. Next week moving into independent housing! And starting classes!!
Today I have staff helping me take the bus to the school and walking around the campus with me, going to the bookstore to get my books.... it should be nice. I might even have lunch out on campus. EEK! I can hardly contain my excitement!!

I have been so preoccupied thinking about school and all the exciting things that are coming up that food really hasn't even been on my mind. Food is fuel. I eat because I need to. That's about it. This morning I had oatmeal made with soy milk, almonds, and blueberries. It tasted good. I didn't think too much about it.... I think that's progress. There are other things for me to think about besides food and my body and that feels AMAZING. I think school is going to be an enormous step forward for me. I'm ready. It's time.