Moments of doubt

All day I've been really excited... so many good things are happening! Started school, moving to independent living, it's all good. But I'll admit I've had a few hours of doubt. Sudden questioning of myself... can I really be a student? Can I really maintain my recovery while in school? Can I keep my weight up? Can I eat everything and be independent and be successful?? So many questions and no answers.

I feel unsure of myself. I feel doubtful that I can really do this. But at least I'm no overly confident right? That wouldn't be good. I think it's good to be cautious, careful.... but I don't want to be down on myself. I feel myself sinking a little bit, and I can't allow that to happen. Last time I was about to start school I almost died, and part of me is scared of that happening again. Scared that I'll wake up one morning and freak out and undo all the work I've done... or even worse, not wake up at all. This idea terrifies me. I was doing so well... eating, driving, volunteering... and then suddenly I woke up and I was on a ventilator. Not breathing. Not able to move. That can't happen again. Can't can't won't won't won't. But I guess I'm afraid.

This time is different. I have a treatment team who cares about me and is invested in my well being. They work really hard to make sure I'm safe and healthy and that I'm being honest. 8 months ago I didn't have a dietician or a therapist who knew what was going on. I have support. I also have my parents in my life. They have made enormous changes in the past few months and I feel that they care about me. Things are different now. I am not alone.

I can make it work this time. I can be successful as a student and as a healthy adult. I CAN stay healthy. I think, for the first time, I am going to make it.

Never ever give up.
Plugging along.