What happened wasn't my fault

Today I went into family therapy ready to apologize for many things in my past... The way I behaved, how I hurt the family. I was ready to share those regrets. But I was stopped in my tracks. My therapist and my parents said that what happened was NOT my fault. That I was under the influence and control of horrible people and I was a child and didn't know better. This is hard for me to grasp... Not my fault? I've felt the guilt and shame for so long and now I am hearing that it wasn't me. It was the people controlling me. And I don't know what to think.

When we did Maudsley family therapy I cried and yelled and threw fits. I left my parents home and refused to speak to them: I tore the family apart. I did many horrible things.... But what I'm trying to accept is that I was a child under the influence of some pretty horrible people. I was a child. Children need help to make the right decisions. I didn't have any help.

I know I need to forgive myself, there is an enormous weight on my shoulders. I feel dirty and ruined, broken, irreparable. I have little patience for myself when I do make mistakes. I feel like a failure most of the time. It's hard feeling this way.

I need to forgive myself. But I don't know how. All I can say to comfort myself right now is that I was a child, and I would never out this kind of pressure on a child I knew. My parents have to take ownership of the fact that they didn't protect me. I want to save them, but I can't. Need to move forward.

Sorry for rambling. Just a lot on my mind.