Semi-recovered

I feel that I am in a semi-recovered state. On one hand I am doing really well. My weight is almost where it needs to be, I have purged only a couple times in the past several weeks, my exercise is moderate and healthy. On the other hand, I am still consumed by eating disordered thoughts. I still need to gain some weight (less than 10 lbs) but I am resisting with everything in me. I am refusing to eat more to gain that last bit of weight. I have the urge to purge sometimes, and recently the urge to binge very often, probably because I'm not eating quite enough. I have purged a couple times, out of the blue, and that's been very disappointing. When I exercise I definitely feel that I am compensating for eating, and if I skip a day of exercise I feel kind of panicky. I am still obsessively counting calories, cutting corners on my meal plan, and making sure I don't go over a certain number each day. I am not following all my exchanges on my meal plan. I'm eating maybe 65% of what's on my plan.

So I am not in a danger zone. No risk of ending up in the hospital, I'm not dehydrated... I'm in better shape physically than I've been in years!! But I'm not fully in recovery. My thoughts are getting in the way. My thinking is still very disordered. My body image is ok at times, and very poor at times. I change my clothes several times a day... getting through a day without changing my clothes is a big deal. I still use the calculator on my phone to calculate calories I've eaten. I'm not free yet. I am teetering on the edge of healthy and unhealthy. I'm somewhere in the middle. 

I want to get into full recovery. To get there I will really have to give up control. Stop the calories counting and truly follow my exchanges on my meal plan. Exercise the amount I'm allowed (1 hour max) and not go over that. Put on an outfit in the morning and stay in that outfit all day. No longer want to purge after meals, and not feel so hungry that I feel I need to binge... wanting to binge is just a sign that my body needs more food and I need to accept that. And I guess a big step will be following my dietician's instructions that if I don't eat 100% of my meal plan, I add an ensure plus to my day. 

Today I have skimped on my meals. Breakfast was small, lunch was small, and for dinner out I basically chose the item on the menu with the fewest calories. :( For snack tonight I got myself a big frozen yogurt and I will put banana and almonds on that... but technically I will need an ensure plus to make sure I've had enough. It is hard. But I need to do it.

I will get there. I know I will. This is a process, learning, making mistakes, and learning more. Growing into the healthy person that I want to be. I have been out of the hospital for 6 months. I am going into independent housing. I am on my way. Just not quite there yet.