Looking like a woman

Looking like a woman is scary for me. I've always been afraid to have a woman's body because my body wasn't protected the way that it should have been. I have difficulty setting boundaries for myself and as a result I have been hurt many times. My boundaries have been crossed and I'm afraid that my body is the reason that's happened. But it's not. 

For the past few months since I gained to a healthy weight I have wrapped my chest in ace bandages. I didn't feel safe in a curvy woman's body. I felt that I couldn't go outside without being wrapped up. I felt unsafe with a woman's figure; afraid I would get hurt. 

On Monday something in my head switched.  It was my first day of school and I wanted to feel as normal as possible. I decided to leave the house without binding my chest and you know what? I've gone three days wearing clothes that for my body and no wrap. And I am safe. In fact it's probably more normal for a woman my age to have curves and a chest than it is to have no chest at all. It's occurred to me that not having a chest might even be weirder than having a chest.

I know it sounds silly..: being afraid to have a woman's body, but for me it's a real fear. I have been hurt so many times and forever I truly thought that it was my fault and that my body was to blame. I know now that my body is not the problem. The people who hurt me were attracted to my insecurities. And now I am more secure with myself, more confident, stronger and healthier. I can set the boundaries I need to stay safe. I am a woman not a little girl. I can defend myself now. 

My body is not to blame. I can look like a woman and be safe.