Therapy

I just got out of therapy, and I am flooded with emotion. I don't know what to think... this therapist is just so good at what she does and knows what gets to me. She does it because she cares, but it makes me hurt so much. She is very honest and makes me look at the darkest parts of myself. And it's really hard.

We talked today about why people abuse children and animals. They could have been abused themselves, some people are truly just malicious and evil, insecurities.... the list goes on. But there is no excuse for abusing someone, a child, an animal, an elderly person. No excuse. We talked about my abusers, and how I have been, in a way, abusive and neglectful toward my parts. By not listening to them and giving them what they need, and by expecting my parts to come out and take on difficult situations and emotions I don't want to deal with, I have been neglectful. I have put too much pressure on my parts. I need to apologize and make amends.

I was talking about some things I've found on facebook.... people neglecting and abusing animals, leaving children in hot cars, the list goes on. These stories really make me sad and horrified, and my therapist said that by neglecting my parts, I have in a way left them in a hot car to overheat. It's so hard to look at myself and realize that I've been so abusive toward my parts and toward myself. I have been mean and cruel to my parts. I have been neglectful. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I cried. A lot. And my therapist came to sit next to me and comfort me. But nothing can comfort me when I feel so much shame and anger at myself. How will I ever have a family?? how will I ever have kids if I can't take care of myself? My therapist says right now I am not ready, but someday I will be. I need to tell my parts how much they matter and also tell them that they don't have to take on the burden of negative emotion and situations, an tell them that I won't disappear on them anymore. When the overdose happened 6 months ago, I disappeared for over two weeks. I left poor Polly to deal with the psych ward :( I am a terrible "mom" to my parts. So hard to look at myself and see all my flaws.

Lots of thinking to do. I just feel sad. And shameful and guilty. But this work has to happen if I want to get healthy. And I WANT to be healthy.