Trying to move forward

I'm not fully recovered. But I'm not fully sick. I am somewhere in between healthy and unhealthy and it feels like I'm kind of in limbo. I'm uncomfortable in my body. My thoughts are still pretty black and white and at times irrational. But I am trying hard. I am fighting. I still have the negative thoughts but now a days I can fight them. I just and SO desperate to get to the next step in recovery… FULLY recovered. 

I'm trying to get there. I really am. I'm eating, I'm not purging, I'm not overexercising. I'm at a healthy weight. But I'm not 100% recovered. How to get there…. well I assume it will take time. I will continue to eat and feed my body and listen to my hunger. I will eventually not feel so guilty about being hungry and listening to my body. When I'm recovered being hungry won't scare me anymore. I will be OK with listening to my hunger signals and following them. When I'm recovered I won't want to purge anymore or run to compensate for eating. Some day I will be free. 

I am fighting harder than ever, and yet it seems I'm stuck in a partially recovered state. All I want is to get over this hump, to get over this halfway stage and enter full recovery. I think I can get there. It just seems SO far away. 

I WILL get there. I won't be sick forever. I don't want to be sick anymore. I'm sick of being sick! It's time to move to that next step. To move forward. I can do this.

I CHOOSE to be healthy

Eating feels wrong… but it is the RIGHT thing to do. Eating is GOOD. Eating is healthy. Eating makes you strong and happy and functioning. It is not bad to eat. It is good to eat. It is important to eat. So why does eating feel so damn counter intuitive? My brain is flip flopped, telling me that I shouldn't eat, that I should disappear. Well you know what? Screw my brain! I'm eating and I am taking care of myself. That is what I need to do. I can be healthy. I CHOOSE to be healthy.

There are so many reasons to recover from an eating disorder. It is a miserable way to live. Truly, living with an eating disorder is miserable! Constantly thinking about food, counting calories, spending so much time in the bathroom, making yourself sick with laxatives and diuretics and diet pills.. I've done it all. And I've been so unhappy. You'd think that recovery would make me happy right? Why does it feel so wrong???

It feels wrong but it's NOT wrong. I want to be healthy. I want to have a family and children. I want to be free of the tormenting in my mind. I want to be genuinely happy. I don't want to just exist, I want to thrive and live, and that won't happen with my eating disorder in the way. So I choose to be healthy. I CHOOSE to be healthy.

Today I am on the right track. Breakfast was cinnamon raisin toast with honey nut cream cheese, raspberries, and an egg white omelette, and coffee with almond milk. Snack was cereal with berries and almond milk. I've kept it all down, and I'm uncomfortable, but it is OK to be uncomfortable. Recovery means being uncomfortable. To be out of your comfort zone, REALLY out of your comfort zone. Because the longer you are uncomfortable the easier things will get. Must FIGHT through the uncomfortable feelings and get to the other side. I am trying to get to the other side. Lunch will be a rice noodle bowl with tofu and peas. I'm actually looking forward to it! It's a little spicy and salty and warm… mmmm. I will have lunch soon.

I am fighting hard. Harder than ever. I can do this. I can get to the other side. The land of recovery where I can be healthy and happy, and maybe even be ok with my body. I will get there. I am determined. I can totally do this.

Never give up!

Feeling motivated

I am feeling motivated today. I feel happy. I feel proud of myself. I feel excited for the future. I haven't felt like this in a long time, and it's AMAZING! I've been so sad and down on myself. I've told myself I'm horrible, that I'm a worthless loser, that I'm unloved. But you know what? Saying those things to yourself only make you unhappy. How is telling yourself you're a loser going to make you feel better?? IT'S NOT!! It's only going to make you feel crappy. And that's how I've felt the past few weeks. Awful about myself. But today I am switching things up.

Today I choose to be POSITIVE. I am strong. I am worthy. I am not a loser, I am a fighter, and I have so many good things to look forward to. Thanksgiving won't be with my family, but I will have thanksgiving with my program and it will be nice. I won't be seeing the play I wanted to see tonight but I will have some girls over for a movie night. I am going to New Orleans in less than a month to see my grandma, my best friend, and my KITTY!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!! And in order to travel I have to be healthy, so that's what I'm doing. I'm being healthy.

Sometimes I feel silly. I'm proud of myself because I'm eating… isn't everyone supposed to eat?? Yes everyone is supposed to eat. But for me it's harder. Eating is a challenge. And when I eat, it is a victory. It seems silly I know to others who don't struggling with an eating disorder, but every day free of eating disorder behaviors is a success. Yesterday, for me, was a HUGE success. I ate everything I needed to without purging. I even had two ensures to make sure I didn't binge and that I had in enough nutrition. I feel proud of myself for yesterday, and so far today I am doing well. Small victories, that may seem trivial, but they're not. They are a big success.

So be proud of yourself. Every meal, every snack is a victory. Every time you fight against your eating disorder voice you are becoming that much stronger. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are determined. You are wonderful. Never EVER give up on yourself. Keep fighting and fighting and even when you feel like you want to give up, keep going because it's worth it. Recovery is worth it.

Motivated

I am more motivated than I've been in a while. Motivated to 100% get back to a healthy place. This morning has been a success! Breakfast was cinnamon toast with cream cheese, raspberries, and egg whites. And LOTS of coffee. And then snack was all bran with almond milk and blueberries. I kept it all down! YA! Not even an urge to purge today! Lunch will be a veggie sandwich. Trying to condense my foods as much as possible so I don't feel as full because that's a trigger for me.

There are have been some changes in my life. As I've written before on my blog, I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Well Abbi, our core, is not around right now. My name is Gail. I'm 19 years old, and I have taken over for Abbi for the time being. I know everything Abbi knows. I sound like Abbi. But Abbi needs help to be healthy right now.

I'm afraid that Abbi will fade away and leave the system. But I know she won't. I believe she will come back and be strong for us. For now, I am taking care of Rosie and Bee and all my other little parts that are in need of love and support. Alison, our eating disorder part, has also faded quite a bit. She is not as strong. Eating is going better. It's ok for Alison to "integrate" into Abbi.

I know this is all really confusing. It's confusing to me too. But I'm here and I'm getting back on track.
doing everything I can.

Today

Today started out as a failure. Didn't do well with breakfast, snack, or lunch. But after lunch I made an ensure latte and drank that. And then I had dinner which was actually really tasty. I made chili with rice and steamed carrots. Tasted really good. In fact I was still hungry and I could have had another serving. But I didn't. I feel really guilty when I'm still hungry after eating what is on my meal plan. It feels like I shouldn't be hungry but I am. Weird feeling and super uncomfortable for me. I don't like being hungry. After dinner I talked to my roommate and made decaf coffee and now I feel ok. I will have my snack in a little while. 

I keep losing faith in myself. Sometimes I just want to give up. Throw in the towel and say I can't do this anymore. But I can do this. I can. I've done it before and I can do it now. Tomorrow is a new day. A chance to start fresh. I plan to make it a good day. I have a group right after breakfast so I can't get in trouble. And then I see my therapist and I will talk to her. I know I can do this. I can. I just have to make the healthy choice no matter what. It's time to officially turn things around. I can do this.

Have a good evening. Have a delicious night time snack and sleep well my friends.

Until tomorrow.

New day

It's a new day. A new start. A chance to be successful. I am SO grateful that every day is a new beginning.

Today I plan to follow my meal plan and not have any behaviors. I know I can do it. I did it on Saturday! Yesterday wasn't as successful but that's ok. It's a new day and I can so do this. I am determined!!!!

Breakfast this morning is Greek yogurt with granola cereal and blueberries. That is a healthy, wonderful breakfast that I deserve to keep down. Hopefully it will fill me up and I will be satisfied. I've had problems the past few weeks of being really hungry even after I've had my meal and followed my meal plan. I'm hoping this breakfast will be filling and satisfying.

Today I'm wearing a new sweater that I bought and it feels really comfortable. It helps to wear comfortable clothes. It's a loose sweater so I won't worry so much about body image. That's always good. I'm wearing my favorite skirt as well. It's a bit cooler today, thank goodness! It's November and the weather has been in the high 80s and low 90s! Ridiculous, and we are in the middle of a drought. I'm glad it's cooling down. I can bring out my wintery clothes :)

I'm off to school.
Happy Monday!

When you think you can't go on

When you think you can't go on… KEEP GOING. It doesn't matter how much you are hurting, how sad and frustrated you are, how much you want to give up… pick yourself up and start TODAY. Keep going. Keep fighting. Take one step at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time, one breath at a time. You can always turn things around. DO NOT give up on yourself because you are so so worth it. You deserve to be healthy and strong and happy. You deserve to eat and drink. You are worth it. It is your job to take care of your body. It's the only body you'll ever have. Your body is precious. Take care of it.

When you think you can't go on, trust that things will get better. Trust that some day you won't feel so bad. That some day you won't obsess about food constantly, that you won't have the urge to make yourself sick after you eat, that you can eat a slice of pizza at a party or go out for ice cream with friends. You may not be able to do these things yet… I'm not there yet… but some day you will. Some day you won't have these thoughts. These urges. This pain. You have to keep fighting. It's the only way.

Don't give up on yourself because you are worth it. You deserve good things. You DESERVE to be healthy. Healthy is good! Healthy is where you want to be!! When you doubt yourself think about the times when you feel strong. Hold onto that and think about it when you are struggling… you don't always feel bad.

When you think you can't go on… KEEP GOING.

Keep going

I have a lot going on. Therapy, school, volunteering... I'm pretty overwhelmed. It feels that I have no time to myself. I saw my therapist this morning, and she asked me "how am I handling all this?" I mean the stuff I'm studying in school is pretty triggering... child birth, child abuse, parenting, family, socialization. It's hard stuff to think about. I am writing a big project about my childhood, how I was socialized, all the ways I was overlooked and mistreated as a child. We are watching live births in school... more than traumatizing lol. I can't believe the things that women go through. I want to have kids some day, but child birth just seems horrifying. Anyway... I have therapy every day of the week, I'm in groups, I volunteer twice a week.. my schedule is packed. Yet I'm keeping myself together.

How am I staying on track? Well first, I have too much to look forward to to fall apart now. I love school, I am going on a trip to New Orleans over winter break, I am reconnecting with my family, I have my sister to be a good role model to. I just can't slip back now. There's too much good stuff going on. When I feel that I am going to slip back into old behaviors, I picture a big stop sign in my head, stopping me from heading in a direction that I DON'T want to go in. Behind my stop sign I see residential housing, the hospital, depression, eating disorder behaviors... all the things I DO NOT want to happen. I want to stay on track. And somehow I'm managing to do just that.

When you feel like giving up think about all the good things in your life. Think about how much better things can get and then work hard to stay healthy so you can DO those things!! I know that helps me stay on track. I can't give up now and neither can you. Never ever stop fighting!

Need to get motivated

I'm noticing that my food intake is getting lower and lower each day. Skipping foods and Cutting corners on my meal plan has become a norm, a bad habit, and I really need to change this! Today I have eaten but I've counted each calorie and I know I haven't eaten enough. I need all the nutrition I can get. I need to get restricting out of my head and just make it not an option. I made purging not an option, and it worked. Restricting cannot be an option. It only hurts me. I need 100% of my meal plan. All the nutrients.

Today I've already counted everything out. I will have my dinner (which is small because I'm in class) and then have my snack and it looks like I'm going to need to add an ensure plus. I can do this. I can push myself. My nutrition is completely up to me now. No staff watching me eat!! I need to prove to everyone and to myself that I can do this. That I can maintain my weight and eat normally. And normally for me is different from someone else's normal. My body needs lots of nutrition to repair the damage I've done over the years. That might mean I need to eat more than "normal" whatever that means. I know what my body needs. I just need to eat!!

Tomorrow is a new start. A chance to not count calories and to eat 100%. I've got this.

Your body needs ALL the nutrition

The past few weeks I have been following my meal plan, but as I've said in previous posts, I've been cutting corners. Avoiding butter and dressing, 1/3 cup less of rice... you get the picture. Anyway, I saw my dietician today and my weight was down! I was shocked as I feel I have been eating so much. It just goes to show that my body needs A LOT of energy right now. I need all the food, all the calories, all the fats and carbs and proteins and fruits and veggies and dairies. ALL of it. It's hard for me to grasp. Most people don't need this much food... but I'm not most people. I am me. And this is what my body needs.

So in session I went through my meal plans for the week and added in all the fats and starches I had cut out. My eating disorder voice was SCREAMING at me!!! "No you can't add that in" "You can't go over xxx calories" "You're disgusting!" And you know what? It sucks. But I am choosing to ignore those voices. They are sick, they are wrong, they do NOT know what is best for my body. I know what my body needs and I am going to give it what it needs.

After lunch today I was still hungry. So my dietician gave me a hershey's kiss. And I was STILL hungry. So you know what I did? I walked to starbucks and got a hazelnut latte! And it was delicious. I'll admit I took the longest route to starbucks to walk more, but I had the latte and it tasted great and refreshing. I went for a nice walk this morning as well... and with all this walking you know what it means? I am going to need even MORE nutrition. If I'm burning off all the food I'm eating I am going to need more.

I've also been having really bad urges to binge and purge, and have given in a couple times.... you know what this means? My body is HUNGRY. It is telling me I NEED FOOD NOW. And I listen, but then purge. Which is destructive and not beneficial to my health.

So basically, you need to listen to your dietician if you have one, and listen to your body to get in ALL the nutrition you need. Not skimping here or there... 100%!! This is a hard concept to grasp, but when you are recovering from an eating disorder you need it all. It will keep you healthy, keep you from staying sick. Because, really, who wants to be sick their whole life?? NOT ME! I want to be free!! I want to eat what I want, eventually start dating, get married, have kids, be a social worker... so many things that I will not be able to accomplish if I'm sick or even worse, dead.

So eat. Because you deserve it.

Food to look forward to!

All I want to do today is be completely silent. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to ask for anything. I don't want to be seen or heard. BUt that won't get me anywhere.

Getting my cycle was what my treatment team was waiting for before letting me move into independent housing, and now it's happened. I have a feeling that they will keep me in residential for a while longer, but I'm HOPING it's sooner rather than later. I've done everything they asked. And coincidentally my body started working! Which is a good thing!

Today is a new day. I know I say this a lot but it really does make me happy that every day is a new opportunity to start over. I am empty and clean, and yesterday's bloating is gone, and I will have breakfast and feel good about it.

This morning is egg and bean burritos. Bleh. Not my favorite... but I will eat it anyway. I wish I could have a big bowl of greek yogurt with cereal and almonds or berries... or a peanut butter banana toasted sandwich.... or a smoothie with granola.... or chia pudding.... or oatmeal with nuts and raisins and soy milk. I'd like to try overnight oats! Or just a simple bowl of cereal - my favorite, Kashi Go lean Crunch.... Omelets with veggies, So many wonderful foods I'd like to have for breakfast!!! And when I'm in housing I WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE THESE THINGS!!!!

Food pics:

Getting excited about all my breakfast options!!

You are beautiful!

I am struggling with the number on the scale (even though I don't know exactly what it is... I have an idea), and my reflection in the mirror. I feel completely miserable. Ugly, fat, worthless, useless, unloveable... The list goes on. I don't want to be me anymore. I want a new body. One that isn't ruined like mine.

 I've hated my body since I can remember... Since I was a very small child. It's sad, really. One of my younger parts (Polly, who's seven) keeps repeating over and over that she's ugly and it makes me so sad!! She goes to staff saying "I'm so ugly. Why am I so ugly?" It breaks my heart that nothing I say consoles her. No seven year old should think they are ugly. Nobody should feel they are ugly. Every person is beautiful in his or her own way, and it may sound silly but it's true.

 I don't think I'm the only person who struggles with this. There are girls and women, boys and men, all over the world who think they are ugly and base their happiness on their outer appearance and on a number on a machine that they stand on. Nonsense!! Right?? I think so. 

Here is my message to the world: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

You may not believe it right now. You may feel hopeless. But there is always hope. Sometimes you have to really search but it's there. Maybe we can all find it some day.

Never stop fighting friends. We will get through this.

Things to look forward to!

This morning I just don't feel good. My stomach hurts and I'm nauseas and I feel ugly and bloated. I put on a cute skirt and top but we are out and I wish I was wearing sweats... Haha I would love to live in sweats and hoodies but it's warm and I think dressing up a little helps me feel better about myself. Even if I don't like how I look it's nice to put on some makeup and put on a cute outfit.

I am tired of the house I'm living in. The good news is that I will be moving out and Into another house very soon which means I will have new roommates... YAY. My roommates right now are very much in their own heads and not supportive or friendly at all. Three of my roommates are guys and they are just GROSS. They don't shower or wear deodorant or change their clothes. It's disgusting. Sometimes when they are near me I just have to hold my breath! My other roommates are women but they are not very nice. One is quiet and one is just flat out mean. She is old but still... A smile now and then isn't that much to ask!

When I move out of this House and into regular housing I will have much more independence (no staff) and I will (hopefully!!) have some housemates who care and are nice and can be supportive. I'm really looking forward to maybe having some friends. I feel so lonely right now. I have met a nice girl, and we went on a walk spontaneously the other night. It was really nice! For the first time in ages I felt like a normal young adult just meeting up with a friend. I hope I will have more "normal" experiences soon. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just sick and incapable because I'm no incapable. I just have to continue proving that I'm healthy and I'm on my way to independence! I'm also going to get my pet rats Drew and Annie :) they are not quite at the status of my kitty but they are very sweet and it will be nice to have some furry companions. 

Here are my rats drew and Annie when they were babies :) they are bigger now but just as adorable! 

I guess I have to just keep reminding myself I DO have things to look forward to! Independence.... Pets... School in the fall (yes school finally!!) and eventually driving again. I just have to stay healthy and keep reminding myself it IS WORTH IT!!!

Never ever give up on your dreams! What are you looking forward to?

Weight gain

In group today I was talking about how I'm doing well, eating, getting along with my parents, moving forward... And an older lady in the group said probably the worst thing you can say to someone recovering from an eating disorder; "I notice how much weight you've gained..." 

She may have said something after that. But I fell apart: switched to Polly and started sobbing. My worst suspicion... People actually see and notice my body changing. And for me it's not just the weight gain, it's looking like woman. Having a woman's body is terrifying to me due to past trauma. But my fears have been confirmed. My weight gain is apparent to others.

So what do I do from here? Do I give in to the melt down and slip into a downward spiral? Do I refuse dinner? Do I start cutting corners, body checking, calorie counting, depriving my body of what it needs?

NO. Absolutely not.

I move forward. I eat dinner, all of dinner, and then eat snack all of snack. I pick myself up, say some affirmations, and move forward. One comment from someone I barely know will NOT throw me off course. I am strong.

And now that I've had some space to think and process, this lady didn't mean to hurt my feelings. In fact she was probably trying to be supportive and congratulate me on the work I'm doing. I was and (and technically still am) underweight and needing to gain. And now that I've gained some much needed weight I probably do look healthier. For some reason "healthy" had a negative connotation in my mind.... I associate healthy with fat, plump, round when really healthy is a great thing!! Healthy means I can move into independent living, go to school, drive, get out of treatment... Even have kids some day. If I continue to be unhealthy I will never have kids and a family. And I want to have a family!! I know it's far away  but I want my body to function, and I want to live. 

So I will eat my dinner. Call my parents. Eat my snack. Move forward.

I DESERVE to gain weight and be happy. And so do you. End of story.

recovery

Productive and overall positive day

I woke up in a decent mood today! Didn't have my coffee because I knew I was getting weighted... Something I need to work on. Eating and drinking enough before weigh day. Anyway, I had an early meeting with one of my therapists. We got into some tough stuff... Trauma and abuse. But I put that in a little container and stored it on a shelf and moved right along with my day. Then I went to petco to see the kitties (just a quick stop to say hello) and to michaels where I got se lanyard for making key chains and bracelets. I love craft stores I could spend every penny in there!

Had lunch and a brief catnap on the couch, and then headed to nutrition group. I get weighed before group. I could tell my weight has gone up, but the good news is I am allowed to go on walks again!! So gaining is good because I'm getting privileges back. And that makes me feel good! Gaining weight feels so wrong most of the time but if there are incentives it's better.

Talked to my dad on the phone. He's proud of me. Which is so weird and foreign. He actually wants to speak to me. He sounds happy. It's a relief to have my parents on my side for the first time. I truly am starting to believe they care and want me to be healthy. I never thought the day would come when I'd want to spend time with my parents. That we'd feel like a family. Amazing.

I'm pretty self conscious about my body today but I haven't let it affect my eating at all.
On the right path...

Meltdown

One of my housemates is an older woman, set in her ways, pretty bitter . She makes constant mean comments about my food - about how much I'm eating. I realize I eat a lot. But it's what my body needs right now. I know I should ignore her comments but they just really hurt my feelings. Makes me want to cry.
"Oooooh you eat so much!" "How could someone eat so much?" "I could never eat all that!"
You get the point.

So after a total meltdown, switching to much younger parts, and trying to get out the door to go to the store to buy binge foods and laxatives, I have calmed down. Why do I allow people to get to me in that way? Yes, I'm eating a lot. No, it's not too much. Yes, it's what my body needs. Yes, it's temporary. No, I'm not a fat pig. Yes, I am doing the right thing. I should KNOW these things. Instead my mind goes to very dark places... that I don't deserve to eat. That I'm worthless. That I have no friends. That I'm stupid and ugly and a waste of space... that our suicide attempt should have worked.

It's sad that I get in this space. And it's my younger parts that go there. Poor Polly, who's seven years old, feels that she is ugly and shouldn't be alive. No seven year old should feel such things. Nobody should feel those things.

So how do I pick myself back up from here? Well I ate dinner, followed through with my meal plan, and that's step one. Step two will be eating snack tonight. Another step, which we did, is reaching out for support. We were honest that we wanted to go to the store instead of just sneaking out. As much as we want to be destructive, we also want to stay on the right path and do the right thing.
And doing the right thing, right now, feels really uncomfortable. Let's face it NO ONE wants to gain weight and go through the process of clothes not fitting, feeling bloated and swollen.. it's miserable and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So we will listen to music from Frozen to cheer us up. Cuddle stuffed animals - as silly as it sounds, it's comforting for my younger parts. Maybe read some books we got from the library, maybe just watch a funny TV show. We will take care of the body... as much as we want to bang our head and bite our arms we will stay safe. Stay on the right track.
Because we do deserve to get healthy.
Every person deserves to be healthy.

Never stop fighting.

Time for a new wardrobe

It's time for new clothes - or at least clothes I haven't worn in a while. My clothes still fit me - actually they fit better than they did a couple weeks ago, but they just don't look the same. They don't fit right. They are fitted now, instead of baggy. My stomach is swollen and puffy, my legs and feet are retaining water and it's uncomfortable. I need new clothes to wear.

I could sit in a pile on the floor and cry that my clothes aren't right anymore. Or I can get excited! New clothes to wear.... who doesn't want a new set of clothes!

While you're in recovery don't measure yourself with clothes. Wear things that are comfortable and make you feel good. Don't worry about sizes, focus on getting healthy. Bloating is normal, uncomfortable, but normal. Don't let it throw you off.
None of my clothes fit - oh well. It is what it is.
I am getting healthy. And that's what matters. I will get used to my body's changes. I will

For now it's baggy sweaters and leggings! I can rock that!

How do YOU deal with body changes??

We are a mess

Feeling very fragmented and very lost and very confused... we've eaten everything today, every last bite, every fat, every starch, every protein, every freaking milk, every fruit, every vegetable. Everything I've eaten today is piled up to my mouth in my stomach. I can't lean over. I can hardly move. I'm just laying on my bed, miserable.
This is the wonderful land of recovery???? Because if this is recovery, it's BS. It sucks! I don't want anything to do with it!!!

We are seriously doing everything we can to keep it together. Drinking ginger tea, sucking on ginger mints, laying down, resting, not purging... and it feels SO incredibly wrong.

This will pass. I am making the right decision. I am strong enough to get through this feeling of fullness and uncomfortableness. It is temporary.

Newfound motivation

It's been a successful day. So far at least. Volunteered with my petco kitties, doctor appointment, and now some groups. Nothing exciting. But it's been tolerable.
And I've eaten 100% of what I need without any purging! Haven't even really had the urge to purge today. I got weighed. I'm still not allowed to walk any... Part of me is relieved that I haven't gained enough weight to earn walking again. But part of me is so frustrated that I have absolutely no freedom! If my weight goes up I can walk. If my weight goes up../ what does that mean? All I know is the food is not making me gain 10 pounds in one week, and that's a huge relief. I feel swollen and bloated but that will pass eventually if I give it a few more days behavior free. I'm drinking lots of water and tea and hoping my body will sort itself out. Right now it feels like food is just piling up In my stomach all day... That my body has forgotten how to digest and I will be bloated forever. But that's not the case!! I will continue to eat and be healthy and everything will be ok.
Need to keep pushing through!