Today

Part of me feels weird about being with my family… like I don't deserve them. Like I don't deserve to have a happy family. I was destined to be alone at 16 and here I am spending time wiht my family and we are HAPPY. And it's so weird… good weird I guess. But weird. My dad wants to hug me and tells me how happy he is that I'm home. I can actually talk to my mom about some "real" things without getting shut down or lectured. It's all very foreign and strange. But I think this is a good thing. Everyone deserves to have a family who loves them right? Humans need love to survive. They need to be attached and know they are loved to thrive, and that's what I'm doing. I'm finally thriving. And I think a big part of that has been my own progress, but it's also been the progress with my family. I am not alone anymore. I'm not fighting an uphill battle by myself. I have people on my team. People to tell me they love me and care about me and that they actually believe in me… again all so weird. But nice. Finally I have a reason to wake up in the morning… I have people who care.

Today was a nice day. Got to stay in my pajamas for a little while this morning because I didn't go to petco. I watched some shows, worked a little on a needlepoint project. Then my mom picked me up to go to temple. First I went to a "young person's" meeting for people in their 20's and 30s, and it was very moving. Nice sermon, good prayers. Had lunch. And then went to another service, a contemporary service with folk songs and lots of lovely readings. Very moving service. Really targeted all of the things that have gone on this year and all the things we can do better. We went to a later service as well and ended the day with a "break the fast" at a friend's house. Overall a good day.

I was a little upset, I'll admit, about the fact that my sister and my dad fasted. My dad had said he wasn't going to fast, but he did. I guess it's ok though. They are healthy enough to fast for a day. I am not. Maybe some day I will be able to fast again, when it doesn't fuel my eating disorder. For me fasting would be a sick behavior, and sick behavior is NOT appropriate on a day of atonement.

Today was my first day of no measuring food and no calorie counting… I think it went ok. I didn't measure breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I may be short a little but I'm eating intuitively and that feels REALLY good. I'm finally eating more normally. Finally.

I hope that you all had a lovely day and that you have a peaceful night.
I'm off to eat snack :)

Ways to deal with anxiety

I have struggled with anxiety since I was very little. When I was a child my anxiety manifested itself as stomach aches and shortness of breath. I went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was making me sick, but they couldn't find anything. It was just nerves. The stomach aches continued as I became a preteen and teenager, and my anxiety just made me more anxious. When I trouble with friends, or with my parents, my stomach would get upset. And it was annoying and embarrassing. It didn't occur to anyone that I was just really anxious and responding to difficult things that were happening in my life. I know now that when I get a stomach ache it is probably because I'm anxious. I also have panic attacks where I feel I can't breathe and I'm going to faint or get sick. I've had these attacks every since I can remember. And it's not fun.

So ways to beat anxiety. These are things that I use when I'm feeling anxious.

Breathing. Breathing is really, really important. When I get anxious I try to normalize my breathing and count my breaths. I inhale and count to 4, and then exhale and count to 7. Inhale count to 4, exhale count to 7. Sometimes I do "4 by 4" breathing, where I count inhale 4, hold the breath 4, exhale the breath 4, hold 4. Breathing is a great skill because you can do it anywhere and don't need anything other than your body. You can do it in a room of people, or by yourself. Pay attention to your breathing.

Holding onto something cold. I like to use an ice pack. I grab onto the ice pack, sometimes bring it up to my face to feel the shock of the coldness. It helps to ground me and bring me back into reality. When I hold ice it is a reminder that I am alive and I am ok. It's the shock of the change of temperature that really helps.


Drinking tea. Drinking a hot cup of tea is really soothing to me. The smell and the sweet taste are very grounding for me. It helps lower my anxiety significantly.

Wrapping myself in a blanket. It's kind of like swaddling a baby and sounds silly, but it really helps. I have a blanket that I made a few years ago that I sit and wrap myself in, and it really calms me down. It makes me feel warm and safe, like I am protected.

Hugging stuffed animals. I have DID, and I have parts inside me that are really young... as young as 2 years old. When my younger parts are anxious and afraid it really helps to hug a stuffed animal. Again, it sounds silly, but it reminds me that I am safe and reminds my younger parts that they are safe.

Counting and naming things in the room around me. I look around the room and literally name off everything that I see. Chair, fan, table, cup, phone, computer... it grounds me and puts me back in the room that I'm in, and it's really helpful. It distracts me from my negative, scary thoughts.

Playing games on my phone. I play Scrabble with a few people, I play Yahtzee, and I play tetris occasionally, and it is a good distraction. I can sit for just a little while and play a silly game and it takes my mind off whatever is making me panic.

Listening to music. Sometimes I listen to calming music, sometimes I listen to kid's music, sometimes I listen to pop... my music choices are really random. But having my ear phones in is really calming and can take me to another world in a way. I can close my eyes and just get absorbed into the music. Music is an amazing thing. I also play the guitar, and singing and playing the guitar is also really calming. I sing calming music and it calms me down. I love music.

How do you deal with anxiety? Any tips? I'm always looking for new ways to beat anxiety.

The end of the day

When I wake up in the morning I feel refreshed, light, happy, comfortable with my body... but by the end of the day I feel pretty miserable. My body is really slow to digest my food so it kind of feels like all the food I've eaten throughout the day is just piled up in my stomach and it's really uncomfortable. So I try to comfort myself as much as possible. 

1. I put on comfy clothes. Loose pajama pants or shorts and a tank top so that I don't feel my clothes gripping at my body. 

2. Avoid the mirror. It just isn't worth it. By the end of the day, YES, your stomach is going to be bloated and bigger than it is when you wake up in the morning. I try to remind myself of this fact. That in the morning the bloating will be gone and I will be ok. No need to over react

3. Eat my snack no matter what. By the end of the day, I am STUFFED. But I make my night snack as enjoyable as possible and get it down. I usually pick something yummy and sweet like nutella and banana or almond butter and hot chocolate or a tea latte. I lure myself into enjoying my night snack, even though a lot of the time I feel pretty stuffed and miserable!

4. Distract. At night I color, watch TV shows, go on Pinterest, write, read, play games.... anything I can do to distract myself from thinking about my body. Because there are MANY more important things than the size of my belly, and lots of fun things to do when I am in a healthy mindset. 

5. Drink tea. I usually have a big cup of tea at night to soothe my stomach. I have a ginger tea that is very good for digestion and stomach aches, so I drink that. I also have mint, decaf english breakfast, and apple cinnamon (though I might be out of that one). It helps to calm me down and helps me to stay hydrated. I love my tea. 

6. Cuddle up with lots of blankets and stuffed animals and build a fort. I am an adult, but my other parts love toys and stuffed animals, so I snuggle up with my toys to soothe my younger parts. It's comforting to all of us. And I don't care how old I am, I think I'll always love stuffed animals!

I just tell myself over and over and OVER I will go to sleep and wake up refreshed and ready to start the day. It keeps me from going absolutely insane!

How do you comfort yourself at the end of the day?

The pros and cons of anxiety medication

I was feeling very anxious on the verge of a panic attack. My heart was pounding out of my chest, I was nauseas, and couldn't focus on anything or sit still. So I decided to take my anti-anxiety PRN, Klonopin.

I feel so much better. I feel calm and relaxed. My heart is not pounding anymore. I feel pretty happy.

But I don't like taking meds unless I have to. I want to find ways to calm myself down without medication. It helps me for sure, but there must be other ways to ground and get to a calmer, more stable place.

I picked up my guitar and sang and that helped to calm me down, too. I love to sing, strum the guitar, feel the music even if it's just for myself. Writing helps. Coloring is very calming.
I'm not ashamed that I took the medication. I just hope in the future I won't have panic attacks and I won't need a mood altering medicine to feel ok.

Just thoughts.

How to beat urges and anxiety

Just finished my 3pm snack... by this time of the day I start to get pretty uncomfortable. It feels like everything I've eaten is just piling up in my stomach, and there's nothing I can do to feel better. The urge to have behaviors skyrockets. I guess the worst time is after dinner... but right now I'm feeling really anxious. All I want to do is go to the store, buy a gallon of ice cream, and drown my sorrows.

Makes no sense right? Feeling full to the brim, yet dying to binge. I know it's emotional, not physical hunger. I am physically full. Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. So the question is what can one do to soothe him/herself when feeling really high anxiety and panic? I'm going to list all the ones I can think of. If you have ideas on how to reduce anxiety in a healthy way, please share!!

1. color
2. draw
3. write
4. read - get lost in a book
5. listen to music
6. watch a movie or tv show
7. bake (as long as it's not triggering)
8. go for a gentle walk
9. stretch
10. do yoga
11. go on pinterest
12. chat with a friend
13. surf the internet
14. play a musical instrument (I play guitar, flute, and piano)
15. sing karaoke
16. Take a hot shower or bath (if you feel safe)
17. start a blog :)
18. Watch silly youtube videos
19. go out in nature - feed ducks, go to a lake, go for a hike, etc.
20. do an art project - make bracelets, do origami, paint pottery... the ideas are endless!

 So basically there are healthy things to do instead of restrict/binge/purge/overexercise/cutting. There are SO MANY healthy ways to distract and cope with anxiety. To all my nonexistent readers; Thank you for giving me this space to share my thoughts and work through my feelings. I will work through these feelings.