My day

Today has been a good day. I am exhausted but it was really nice! Woke up early and had coffee and breakfast, took a nap :) and then I got dressed and my grandma and I took the dogs out, and then went to the French quarter!! It was only 39 degrees today. BURRR. It was freezing cold. But we went out, took the ferry across the river, and went to the quarter. It was pretty quiet, which was nice. And guess what?? I ATE BEIGNETS! Beignets are kind of like a donut… just fried dough with lots of powdered sugar on top. They were hot and absolutely delicious, and had a cafe au lait on the side. Yum :) I can't believe I ate them and it felt good! normal eating is AWESOME. 

Tomorrow morning my best friend is picking me up and we are going to taste wedding cakes (she's getting married in June) and then we will spend the day together. I haven't seen her in over a year, and I get to meet her fiancee and new step daughter to be. I'm a little nervous about seeing her, to be honest, but excited as well. 

Now it's time to sit and relax and warm up!! And have dinner :) 

Happy Day!!

End of the day

I am most definitely a morning person... by the end of the day I am just so tired and worn out and feel ugly and bloated and I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. I've been going to sleep pretty early these days as I just don't want to be awake anymore! Luckily the medicine I take knocks me out or I'd be awake and wired all night long! I don't like relying on medication to sleep but it certainly helps. Sometimes I wonder if I'd actually sleep if I didn't take my meds... so far any time I don't take my meds I don't sleep, so I guess that answers that.

Tonight I have to take a shower, which I really hate. Being without clothes and getting all soaking wet just isn't a good experience for me. It feels unnatural and uncomfortable and I just don't like the whole process. And then when I'm standing under the hot water I get warm and comfortable and I don't want to get out haha. Such a dilemma... I wish I didn't have to shower! But I do. I won't complain.

I will get picked up in 10 minutes and then it's home to eat because I am HUNGRY. I have been thinking about night snack for the past hour, as all I had for dinner was a sandwich. I am SO hungry and I'm honestly a little anxious because I don't want to binge. I will serve myself and eat my oatmeal with banana and pumpkin seeds and it will taste good and I won't need to binge because I will be full and happy. But right now I am just ravenous! I could eat everything in the house!!

Hope you all have a good night :)

Uncomfortable

It's the end of the day and I am UNCOMFORTABLE. I always feel uncomfortable by the end of the day but today it feels worse for some reason. I am really puffy and swollen and it does not feel good at all. Dinner was tasty… but the eating disorder got the best of me and I served myself a huge portion of broccoli and a tiny bit of pasta and I didn't even eat the pasta I served myself :( So basically for dinner I ate broccoli and salad and now guess what… I'M HUNGRY. Really hungry. Dreaming about night snack, can't WAIT to have night snack. Egg white oatmeal with banana and pumpkin spiced pumpkin seeds :) Mmmmmm. I'm excited, counting down the minutes until I am done with meds so I can eat and go to sleep! I always feel better in the morning… I KNOW I will feel better in the morning. Just have to get through these uncomfortable feelings. I am definitely a morning person.

Now I am hanging with a friend doing homework and drinking tea. I have my special hibiscus, chamomile, strawberry leaf tea to help my tummy. It tastes pretty good too. I like adding a little soy milk… makes it creamier.

I can hardly believe I've finished a whole semester of school! I have a track record of dropping out after a few weeks because I'm really sick or suicidal. Not this time! I had a short stint in the hospital, but I bounced back right away and finished the semester up strong! I knew I could do it… I can't believe I did it. So excited to actually have some credits under my belt. And I think I'll be ready for my final… I will be studying all week!

Have a lovely evening, and remember the end of the night blues will pass. Trying to tell myself I WILL feel better in the morning.

Good night <3

Good morning!

Good morning :)

I'm glad it's a new day. Yesterday turned out a little rocky. But it's a new start now. I've had my ensure latte and will have breakdast once I print out my big project for school. I am so relieved that this project is done! I was really panicky about this project so turning it in will feel reallllly nice. 

I am seeing my dietician today since we can't meet Friday. She agreed I don't have to be weighed today since I just got weighed Friday so I feel a little better about seeing her. I just have a weird thing about being weighed after eating all day. I feel like it makes the scale lie. I know it's silly but it really bothers me!

Breakfast this morning: egg white sandwich, greek yogurt with honey and berries, and my ensure latte. I can eat this and keep it down. No excuses. I am stronger than my eating disorder. End of story.

Have a lovely day!!

Really good day!

Today was a really good and successful day. I hung out with a friend and it was awesome! I haven't had a good day like this in ages it seems. We first went to target and walked around. I bought ensure because I'm relying it for now and it's the least expensive at target. I also got strawberry and cream oatmeal and drink mixes. 

 

Then we went to Panera for lunch. I was anxious but the food I got was really good and felt ok! I had a chicken hummus salad with veggies and a bowl of black bean soup and an apple. I was super full but didn't really have any urges! That's a huge deal! And soup can be really triggering for me. But after lunch we walked around and distracted and I was ok :)

Then we did some clothes shopping. I actually bought a pair of black skinny jeans!! I feel comfortable in them and they are stretchy which is nice. And I got purple leggings. 

Then we went to Starbucks. I was all excited to try the newest drink, the chestnut praline latte, but I didn't like it. So I got a peppermint latte which was ok, not hot enough though. I was kind of disappointed. I guess I had high hopes and it just wasn't what I expected.

Then the best part of the day... We went to trader joes!! It's my all time favorite grocery store. They have lots of vegetarian items for a good price. I spent 40 bucks!! But I got tofu and pumpkin butter and trail mix and tofurkey and noodle bos and veggie corn dogs.... All delicious stuff I will certainly eat! I didn't get any desert items because I'm still kind of bingy but I feel confident with what I bought. So exciting!

Now it's time for dinner. Gonna end the day strong!

Happy Friday!

Today is Friday! YAY! Finally going to have some days off. I have a huge school project to complete but I am sure I will get it done. I jus have to get into the right mode and then I can get tons of work done. Maybe later today, maybe tomorrow. It will happen though. 

Today I am seeing my dietician. I am going to have lunch with her, and I hope she can inspire me and give me some words of wisdom. She is so patient with me. I am a pain in the ass!!!! I have to get weighed… but I'm pretty sure my weight is ok. I have been eating. Maybe not quite enough, but I feel as though my weight has maintained. I guess we will see. 

This morning I am playing with kitties… great way to get my mind off things. I missed the kitties last week because I was in the hospital so I'm looking forward to some kitty love!! 

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Today

Today started out as a failure. Didn't do well with breakfast, snack, or lunch. But after lunch I made an ensure latte and drank that. And then I had dinner which was actually really tasty. I made chili with rice and steamed carrots. Tasted really good. In fact I was still hungry and I could have had another serving. But I didn't. I feel really guilty when I'm still hungry after eating what is on my meal plan. It feels like I shouldn't be hungry but I am. Weird feeling and super uncomfortable for me. I don't like being hungry. After dinner I talked to my roommate and made decaf coffee and now I feel ok. I will have my snack in a little while. 

I keep losing faith in myself. Sometimes I just want to give up. Throw in the towel and say I can't do this anymore. But I can do this. I can. I've done it before and I can do it now. Tomorrow is a new day. A chance to start fresh. I plan to make it a good day. I have a group right after breakfast so I can't get in trouble. And then I see my therapist and I will talk to her. I know I can do this. I can. I just have to make the healthy choice no matter what. It's time to officially turn things around. I can do this.

Have a good evening. Have a delicious night time snack and sleep well my friends.

Until tomorrow.

Today

Part of me feels weird about being with my family… like I don't deserve them. Like I don't deserve to have a happy family. I was destined to be alone at 16 and here I am spending time wiht my family and we are HAPPY. And it's so weird… good weird I guess. But weird. My dad wants to hug me and tells me how happy he is that I'm home. I can actually talk to my mom about some "real" things without getting shut down or lectured. It's all very foreign and strange. But I think this is a good thing. Everyone deserves to have a family who loves them right? Humans need love to survive. They need to be attached and know they are loved to thrive, and that's what I'm doing. I'm finally thriving. And I think a big part of that has been my own progress, but it's also been the progress with my family. I am not alone anymore. I'm not fighting an uphill battle by myself. I have people on my team. People to tell me they love me and care about me and that they actually believe in me… again all so weird. But nice. Finally I have a reason to wake up in the morning… I have people who care.

Today was a nice day. Got to stay in my pajamas for a little while this morning because I didn't go to petco. I watched some shows, worked a little on a needlepoint project. Then my mom picked me up to go to temple. First I went to a "young person's" meeting for people in their 20's and 30s, and it was very moving. Nice sermon, good prayers. Had lunch. And then went to another service, a contemporary service with folk songs and lots of lovely readings. Very moving service. Really targeted all of the things that have gone on this year and all the things we can do better. We went to a later service as well and ended the day with a "break the fast" at a friend's house. Overall a good day.

I was a little upset, I'll admit, about the fact that my sister and my dad fasted. My dad had said he wasn't going to fast, but he did. I guess it's ok though. They are healthy enough to fast for a day. I am not. Maybe some day I will be able to fast again, when it doesn't fuel my eating disorder. For me fasting would be a sick behavior, and sick behavior is NOT appropriate on a day of atonement.

Today was my first day of no measuring food and no calorie counting… I think it went ok. I didn't measure breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I may be short a little but I'm eating intuitively and that feels REALLY good. I'm finally eating more normally. Finally.

I hope that you all had a lovely day and that you have a peaceful night.
I'm off to eat snack :)

Today

Last night was hard. I was triggered majorly by a staff member and had a complete meltdown. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it this morning. I feel very raw and scared. I'm worried horribly about another client now and can't seem to stop thinking about it.

Today I have therapy and then I get to go grocery shopping! I love grocery shopping. All the food can be overwhelming but I like it. Then groups all afternoon. I'm pretty worn out. I'd love a day off. I'll just have to wait until Sunday.

Have a lovely day :)

I love coffee!

I love my morning coffee. It's delicious, it wakes me up... It's such a nice treat in the morning. My coffee is dark roast (I like dark) with soy milk and hazelnut syrup. I like my coffee nice and sweet :) mmmmmm

Waiting for the bus to school now. It's gloomy outside but kind of muggy and warm. I changed my clothes, like, six times this morning ugh. Body image woes!!!! But I finally decided on an outfit and I feel ok. I wish I had a uniform and didn't have to decide what to wear all the time. Or I wish I could just wear a paper bag all the time. Or pajamas!! I could absolutely live in pajamas :D

Breakfast this morning is overnight oats! Yum!! Oatmeal, soy milk; peanut butter, raisins, and peanuts. So delicious. 

Have a lovely day!

My day

Today has been a pretty decent day. Went to school this morning, sat through a pretty interesting class about infants and toddlers, waited at school for the bus. Got home, had lunch and then off to groups. First I had nutrition group. I really like nutrition group. It's a positive environment, the people in the group and supportive, and my dietician who runs the group is really awesome. She keeps everyone positive, discourages talk about weight loss and "bad" or "junk" foods. She keeps everyone in a positive mood, even if we are struggling. It really is a nice experience being in this group.

Second group is called "roles and relationships" which is the kind of group where I don't know what the point is. Right now we have been separated into groups and have been assigned research projects… mine is about the life cycle of three kinds of birds. The other groups have "stigma" and "how to build a bridge" random right? Yes. Random. I'm sure there must be a purpose for doing these projects, I just don't know what it is.

Third group was process group. This group usually sucks. It's a bunch of quiet people who don't have anything to say and we just stare at each other in silence for most of the group. Today people were actually talking, which was nice, and the group went by much faster. But usually it's pretty torturous.

Food has gone better today. Haven't eaten 100% but I've stayed mostly on track.
Breakfast: Chia pudding with granola and blueberries
Snack: all bran cereal, string cheese, raisins
Lunch: Minestrone soup, salad with tofu, peach, carrots, and balsamic
Snack: Frosted flakes cereal, string cheese, apple
Dinner: Veggie stew, salad
Snack: English muffin with peanut butter, strawberries, hot chocolate

Until tomorrow.

Having a good day

Today I feel good. Better than I have all week, which is nice because all week I've been miserable!! I put on clothes this morning and didn't feel so good… but then i got home and put on leggings and a tank top and I actually felt ok! This feels like a minor miracle! Wearing clothes that actually fit my body and feeling ok… wow. It's days like this that I have to grasp onto. The days where I'm ok… or just the moments where I'm ok. Because they do pop up. Sometimes I AM ok.

I spent the day with my dad. We went to target and I actually bought jeans!! and a sweat top that I have in another color and really like. Then we had lunch at chipotle, I got a salad with beans and fajita veggies and sofritas, which are a vegetarian protein. Then we went on a hike, which was good for me but my dad was so out of breath! I felt bad for him. We didn't make it all the way to the top, but that's ok. It was still a nice walk. Then we got coffee at Starbucks. Now I'm eating a snack.

So it has been a good day. Finally. How has your day been?

I survived!

Spent the day with my family celebrating Rosh Hashanah and it went much better than last night. We went to services, which were nice. The music was kind of boring, but the prayers were full of hope. I'm glad it's a new year. After services I had lunch with my dad and then got a haircut (finally my hair was a mess!). Then we went back to the house and I went in the jacuzzi (after I got over the bathing suit thing). It was a nice afternoon.

This evening we went to the beach for a service called "Tashlich" where you throw bread into the ocean to cast away your sins for the year. My mom and I went for a walk on the beach and then had the service and then had a pot-luck dinner. I ate so many carrots and so much fruit I was stuffed. I probably should have had other food, but I was feeling kind of uncertain. I did ok. I will have a substantial snack tonight.

Tonight when I got home, I took a quiz for school and got 100%. Yay!

It was nice spending time with my family and REALLY nice not having therapy all day!!! I have been so exhausted from therapy and more therapy and it was so so nice to have a day off. Now I'm back home with my ratties and sitting watching cooking shows. So overall a good day. I survived.

Don't know what to write

I don't know what to write. My life is mundane. I eat I struggle I go to school I battle the monsters in my head. And I write. And I work hard trying to share my life. Sometimes it feels like there's no point. Nobody's reading anyway. Why write??

I do it for me. I get to process my thoughts. I get to share with the world my battle. Even if nobody is reading my story is out there. Maybe I'm silly and naive. Maybe someone I know will find my blog and know my deepest thoughts. Maybe not.

Today I went to school and learned about natural birthing process. It is scary and beautiful. The woman is in so so much pain and then she holds her baby and everything is ok. It's amazing. All the pain that women go through every day. But life is a miracle. 

Eating went better today. I talked to my dietician specifically about my mini "binges" on ice cream. We are going to basically desensitize ice cream by eating it together in a healthy way. I love my dietician. She pushes me just the right amount. Just enough to make me uncomfortable but also enough to feel successful and proud. I am so lucky to have her. I bugged her today about knowing my weight. She said a) it doesn't matter and b)she won't let me get to a higher weigt than I'm comfortable with. I'm starting to be ok with my current weight. I want that to improve.

If anyone is out there.... Keep fighting. This is an uphill battle. But I believe the end will prove to be worth it.

Thank you for reading!

I notice that many people have read my blog today... and I want to send out a BIG THANK YOU!!!! I am so excited to see I have some readers! I write from my heart and all I want to do is change someone's day, inspire someone that they can get better. I hope I am doing that with this blog. I don't know who is reading... if you want to introduce yourself I'm here and I'm really friendly! You can respond to this with comments... or you can email me. crazycurls1992@gmail.com. What's your story? Where do you live? Do you have a blog I can read??

I am going out to lunch with my mom and sister shortly. We are going to Swami's cafe, which I love because there are many vegetarian options! I am going to get a vegetarian BLTA, veggie bacon, lettuce, tomato, and avocado... and fruit salad. mmmmm. Then later I am going to get coffee with my dad and do a costco run.. my dad and I have a tradition of going to to costco on the weekend... just walking around the looking at all the electronics and random stuff in the store, and getting lots of free samples of food hehe.

I'm feeling somewhat self-conscious of my body today. It feels that none of my clothes look right.. but this feeling is temporary. I am staying in the clothes that I put on this morning! End of story! I look ok just the way I am. My dietician caught me looking at my reflection in the glass after we ate at the buffet and told me to cut it out! i really do need to work on not obsessing over my reflection and clothes... it just isn't me.

Hope you're having a lovely Saturday :)

good morning

I see people are reading my blog :) That makes me SO happy! I mean, I write for myself... but if I can share my challenges and successes with others that makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.  Thank you for reading!!

Today I am going to play with kitties, and then I will have lunch with my mom and my sister, and then maybe coffee with my dad. Not too much going on. Looking forward to tomorrow... pajama day! Sunday is my only day to do nothing. I can't sleep in because staff will be coming by for medications and a house check, but I don't have to be dressed, which is really nice. I can stay in my pjs all morning, and not worry about having to be anywhere. I am grateful for my day off.

Off to have breakfast... bagel with honey nut cream cheese, yogurt with berries, and coffee (of course). What are you having for breakfast??


Have a lovely day!!

Trusting my body

Today has been a challenging day with food... breakfast I followed my meal plan, but for lunch and dinner I really winged it. It is scary not following my meal plan and just eating until I feel satisfied... sometimes I can't really tell whether I'm satisfied or whether my eating disorder is getting in the way of my hunger cues. Today I had to just trust my body, which is terrifying. Did I eat too much? Did I eat enough?? I really don't know. I just don't know. It feels super uncomfortable to not follow my meal plan, but I did it. I will have the snack that I planned out. I have had my snacks today, even though I ate out. And that's ok... really it IS ok. It's just one day out of the week, out of the month... out of the year! If I ate a little less or a little more it is ok. My body knows what to do.

Trusting my body is hard. I have spent so long controlling what I eat and what I don't eat that I haven't given my body a chance to just normalize out... to eat a little more one day and a little less the next... Every day of the past several years has been meticulously planning out each bite. But I have reached a place in my recovery where it is ok to improvise as I eat. Telling myself I AM going to be ok.

Tonight I went out to a Japanese restaurant... I had a vegetable roll, a cucumber roll, and edamame. I'm realizing that I've had very little protein today... maybe I'll have a Greek yogurt with my snack instead of soy milk.. but then again, it's ok to have a little less of something one day. I'm really trying to be healthy. I think I'm doing ok.

Fighting through the discomfort and not panicking about today!!

Buffet success!!

 Today I went to a buffet called Souplantation with my dietician. Huge challenge but I conquered it!! I feel so proud. I was really overwhelmed but got through it and had no behaviors after. First we went through the salad bar. I got a salad with carrots, onion, pickles, red pepper, and pepperoncinis. And I had honey mustard dressing and sunflower seeds and croutons... Not thing I would usually put in my salad. Then I had a little bowl of ginger soup with tofu and veggies in it... Half a sweet potato which was delicious.. Then my dietician decided I wasn't challenging myself enough so I got a small bowl of Alfredo pasta..: big challenge! And then a blueberry muffin (yum) and then a teeny tiny ice cream cone with soft serve! I was comfortably full but felt uncomfortable with what I had eaten. But I fought through the discomfort, watched some tv shows, and moved on with my day.

I feel pretty proud. I think I handled a challenging situation pretty well. Now I have confidence that I can go to a buffet and survive! And guess what? We are on the way out to dinner. Out twice in one day!! We are getting sushi tonight. I like vegetable rolls, edamame, miso soup, and chicken teriyaki bowls... I think I'm going to go for sushi tonight!

What food challenges have you tried lately?

Buffet day

Today is buffet day! Yes that's right, I am going to a buffet with my dietician. And no plain salads for me! I am going to get my money's worth of food today. I

I know I can do it. Big challenge but I'll have support and it should be ok!

Going to play with kitties this morning. I hope the conversation with my other co workers stays positive today. I can't handle talk of eating disorders when I'm supposed to be doing other things! I love the kitties: they make me happy :)

Breakfast this morning was small.. I guess I'm afraid of being weighed :/ trail mix and cereal. Tasted good! I'm just still hungry. I guess I'm saving up for the buffet :) 

Have a great day!

I'm sick of therapy!!!

I am so sick of therapy right now. After an entire day of therapy I'm totally saturated!! My brain just can't handle anymore talking about feelings. I feel so done right now. I don't want to analyze my thoughts, I don't want to give other people feedback, I don't want feedback. I feel fed up.

I want to go for a walk tonight but I've already walked quite a bit.. Maybe I'll go for a shorter walk. Tomorrow is my meeting with my dietician and I am going to be weighed and then go out to a buffet. This buffet I have been to before but usually all I've eaten is the salad. This time I will have to try the breads and pasta and even dessert! That will be a challenge.

I want a day off. I want a day for just me. No therapy, no obligations, just a relaxing day to do nothing. Sunday is the closest I get to a day off and that's nice. Looking forward to Sunday.

My brain is officially exhausted.