Need permission to eat

I need permission to eat. 

I have not eaten enough today and I walked over 2 hours, and now I am HUNGRY. I want to eat chocolate and candy and fruit and bread and vegetables and ice cream and cake and cookies..... I could eat ALL of that right now. 

So why don't I get up and eat something? Because I'm afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop. I will eat and eat and eat and break my no-purging record. I can't do that. I had one square of chocolate extra and I already feel kind of bad, I know it's crazy, but I feel bad. 

WHAT is wrong with my brain?? Clearly my body is hungry, I need food, and I am sitting here chewing gum and drinking tea and depriving myself. It makes me sad. It makes me really really sad that I can't just take care of my body the way it needs to be taken care of. I'm thinking yes, I'm probably physically hungry. I also thing I'm bionic woman, I don't need to eat to survive. Hah. 

I emailed my dietician, asking her for permission to eat. Maybe if she responds and tells me that eating is the right thing to do, I can do it. 

I will certainly eat my night snack, it's just a matter of probably needing more than just that. 

Maybe I can give myself permission to eat.

You deserve to eat. 

Animals deserve to eat, kids deserve to eat, people deserve to eat, YOU deserve to eat and feel satiated. One snack is not going to affect your weight. You deserve to eat. 

You deserve to eat.

Things ARE looking up

The title says it... Things are looking up!
This morning I got dressed up and did my hair and put on makeup. I was wearing a dress, I felt confident, I felt ok. Got through breakfast and a yummy coffee/latte. I led a group. Had a challenging but productive session with my therapist. I walked back to my house to change into casual clothes. I put on leggings and a black tank top and looked in the mirror and actually felt ok, almost even liked, what I saw!! I'm bigger yes. There's more of me yes. But I FEEL so much better. My head is clear. I can stand up without falling over. My body is starting to process all the food I've eaten. It doesn't feel like everything is piling up in my stomach.

I am hopeful that things will go up from here. I will get to a healthy weight and stay there. I will find myself finally.

And I treated myself to a delicious iced coffee with mocha syrup. Mmmm.
Off to dinner!

I am not my weight

Wanted to take a shower tonight, after night snack.
I was feeling pretty grounded, determined not to have behaviors.
So I had no behaviors. And I'm glad about that. But I did look in the mirror. DOES NOT feel good. I feel enormous. Huge. Disgusting. Hideous. I've gained  SO much weight this past week. I can see it. My stomach, my legs... my arms and back don't look much different. I wish I was more proportionate right now. But it's part of the process. The bloating, the weight gain around the middle. Sigh. I hate refeeding.

I am not my weight.
I am not my clothing size.
I am not defined by how I look.
There are much more important things in life - I am a good person. I am kind and compassionate and caring. I love kids, I love animals, I care deeply about the friends I have.
I matter, no matter what size I am. Trying to believe that.
Good night friends.
Learn to love your beautiful selves.

Really struggling to stay on track

I want to purge. I want to purge. I WANT TO PURGE.
I can't purge.

I know from experience that the first couple weeks of refeeding are awful. So uncomfortable. Stomach aches, gas, acid reflux, swollen feet, legs, and stomach... no fun at all. Because the body is adjusting to eating again, and now that I am getting food in my body is holding onto every calorie. Clinging to each bite of food, storing it in my stomach... ugh. I hate this.
I want to give up. I want to purge - I could easily throw up everything I've eaten today. I would feel so much better. But it's a temporary feeling better - it's an instant gratification followed by a whole lot of guilt and shame. I feel ashamed that I've eaten, but it's better than being ashamed because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to.

So how am I going to take care of myself? Has anyone ever been in this refeeding stage? Let's think of some options to feel better...

1. Drinking lots. Water, tea, juice, even coffee. Supposedly the more you drink the less you bloat. Doesn't make much sense. But I'm giving it a try.

2. Following my meal plan, no matter what. My body needs all the nutrients. It's been deprived for long enough. Maybe if I continue eating steadily, my body will realize, "ok I'm getting food now I can stop freaking out." Fingers crossed.

3. Staying busy. Blogging, writing, coloring, making bracelets (Yes I've joined the rainbow loom revolution) reading, playing my guitar and singing... distraction of any kind.

4. Asking for support. I'm lucky to have friends I can text and vent to. Just to chat about the weather, or get into some deeper stuff. I don't necessarily have to say I'm struggling... just saying hi and knowing someone cares about me is helpful.

5. Practice mindfulness, radical acceptance, all that DBT stuff we love. There is something to be said, though, about basic thinking and looking at things from a healthier perspective.

6. Saying affirmations. I am safe. I am loved. I can be healthy. I deserve to eat. I deserve to live. I don't need to punish myself today. I am strong. I can do this. I am a fighter. I am brave. I am enough.

7. Choosing condensed foods to avoid feeling too bloated. Higher calorie foods like nuts, oils, avocado, etc... they have lots of nutrients and calories and you don't need such a huge volume.

8. Saying to myself over and over "This will pass. This is temporary." Because this refeeding stage doesn't last forever. It's temporary. Uncomfortable and miserable, but temporary.

Keep fighting friends.

I just can't do this

I can't do this.
My stomach is bloated out a mile and a half.
My legs are swollen and enormous.
I'm crying in a ball.
If this is recovery - why do I want it??? What's the point if I'm going to be miserable?? I could purge right now and feel 100000 times better. All the hard work I've put into eating down the toilet. I could just lean over and throw up everything I've eaten today.
But I'm not going to do this.
I am going to be strong.
I just have to eat a sandwich for snack - pb and banana (yum). And then I'm done. And I can crawl under the covers and wake up new tomorrow. All I have left is that one snack.
I can do this.

I've been in recovery before - I've gone through this process. And it's hard as hell. It's painful and embarrassing. There's gas and bloating and constipation and swelling. It's not pretty. But it DOES go away eventually. It takes a few weeks. A few weeks of MISERY. But it DOES get better.
I can do this.

I will curl up and breathe through the discomfort.
I am determined to get past this difficult time.
To my non-existent readers: thank you for letting me share my pain.
I won't let you or myself down.
I can do this.