Selfies

I have taken a few selfies lately. I was curious about how my body looks in photos, and the restul has been pretty shocking! It's clear that I am not seeing my body properly in the mirror… because the pictures show a person who looks different than what I see. It is curious to me, how distorted my brain can make things. Crazy brain. 

I am not going to post any of the selfies on here.. unless you are desperate to see them… becasue I don't feel that comfortable showing off my body to the world. I know other people show many pictures of themselves on blogs. I just don't feel that comfortable with it. So I won't be posting any of the pictures. But I did take them. 

Going to have dinner in a few minutes, and then maybe watch a movie tonight. I've started watching House again, so I'll probably watch that. It's a good show.. entertaining. 

It's rainy and gloomy here… hope you are all staying dry/warm!

Bad body image day

Today has been just a rotten day body image wise. I tried on some clothes at Target and they just didn't look right. That was the first time I've seen my body in a full length mirror for quite a while and it's a bit upsetting I guess? Just shocking to see my body changed. I felt like all day my jeans were sitting on me funny, I felt like my stomach was sticking out… just uncomfortable. But I came home and got into comfortable clothes and now I feel much better. A few months ago I bought a full length mirror and my therapists took it away from me. I wonder how I'd do with a mirror now. It would take some getting used to, but I want to know my body. Today was just uncomfortable. But I'm ok now.

And the thing that's great is… I didn't let my poor body image affect what I was eating. I had lunch at chipotle, which is delicious… I had a rice bowl! First time I haven't ordered a salad. Rice, black beans, sofritas (tofu), lettuce, salsa, corn salsa… really yummy! And I ate the whole thing and felt good :) I was satisfied, and that's how it should be. Not hungry, satisfied.

My dad and I spent the day together which was really nice… errands, lunch, and then went to see a movie.. Annie! and it was super cute movie. Really cheery and uplifting. The actors were good and the whole experience was just positive. I recommend it if you're looking for a sweet, uplifting movie.

Hope you all had a nice Saturday!

Obsession

I'll admit it… I am obsessed with body checking in mirrors and windows. Body checking is where you study and check out your body… and I am terrible about it. Every window, every reflection is my enemy. Some mirrors I feel fine. Some I feel huge. Some I feel terrible. Mirrors lie! They are all different and not very accurate. It's very frustrating though. I feel the need to study my body in each reflection and it's getting old! I've changed outfits more than once today, and I want to stop. I want to put on an outfit in the morning and feel ok in it all day. By the end of the day especially I am just miserable because I am bloated. But that is normal. Bloating is normal. If you eat throughout the day, you are going to look more bloated by the end of the day. It's not just me… it's anyone who eats throughout the day (that's everyone).

I am tired of obsessing over my body. It just isn't that important!! It really isnt! People who are care about me aren't going to care less because I weigh a bit more. nope. Real friends will not care.

I am going to make it a goal for the new year to be less critical of my body. I don't need to criticize myself in every reflection. I'm sick of it.

I can learn to love my body and you can too.
Hang in there.

Body confidence

Today I feel good in my body. It's a weird feeling, actually being satisfied with how I look… and you know what?? It's AMAZING! I feel so free, light a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know this feeling probably won't last, but while I feel good I'm going to soak in all the goodness!! I wear clothes that flatter me, I don't have to hide my body. I am allowed to feel good in my body.

And YOU are allowed to feel good in your body. If you are having a body confident day, embrace it!! Don't feel like you're being vain or selfish. It is OK to feel good about how you look. You can embrace the positivity and hold it in your mind. Absorb it all and save if for the days when you feel crummy. It is OK to feel good. It really is.

I thought about taking some pictures of myself, but I'm not really into that. I could show off pictures of my body, but I don't feel right about it. My body is mine. I can feel good about my body and that's ok :) Being body confident is a GOOD thing. Embrace it.

I hope the rest of my day goes well. Going to have lunch in a few minutes.
Sending positivity :)

End of the day

I am most definitely a morning person... by the end of the day I am just so tired and worn out and feel ugly and bloated and I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. I've been going to sleep pretty early these days as I just don't want to be awake anymore! Luckily the medicine I take knocks me out or I'd be awake and wired all night long! I don't like relying on medication to sleep but it certainly helps. Sometimes I wonder if I'd actually sleep if I didn't take my meds... so far any time I don't take my meds I don't sleep, so I guess that answers that.

Tonight I have to take a shower, which I really hate. Being without clothes and getting all soaking wet just isn't a good experience for me. It feels unnatural and uncomfortable and I just don't like the whole process. And then when I'm standing under the hot water I get warm and comfortable and I don't want to get out haha. Such a dilemma... I wish I didn't have to shower! But I do. I won't complain.

I will get picked up in 10 minutes and then it's home to eat because I am HUNGRY. I have been thinking about night snack for the past hour, as all I had for dinner was a sandwich. I am SO hungry and I'm honestly a little anxious because I don't want to binge. I will serve myself and eat my oatmeal with banana and pumpkin seeds and it will taste good and I won't need to binge because I will be full and happy. But right now I am just ravenous! I could eat everything in the house!!

Hope you all have a good night :)

Miserable

 I feel miserable. I feel SO INCREDIBLY UGLY. I am appalled at myself. I am disgusted. Looking down at my body I want to melt down and sob, cry, throw a fit. I am SO ugly. I am HUGE. I am revolting. I am a failure. I really REALLY hope that this bloating goes down soon. I am freaking out.

Thanksgiving was hard. I had to leave and take my PRN anxiety medication to calm down, as I was shaking and crying. Then the meal… I pretty much ate salad and melon. Had a tiny bit of stuffing and a tiny scoop of sweet potato, but other than that I was too afraid to eat anything. The cranberry sauce was really yummy. I filled up on veggie though and did not meet my nutrition requirements for lunch. So now I am drinking an ensure.

I HATE MY BODY. D: Sad, sad, sad, sad face. I am so unhappy. If this bloating doesn't go down I am afraid I will fall back into old behaviors. But I CAN'T go back. I CANNOT go backwards!!! I have three days purge free. I''m bloated as ever, I'm disgusting. But I'm doing the right thing. It feels SO wrong. But I am fighting.

I really hope this feeling will go away. If I keep eating that my body will adjust and stop bloating so much. My stomach and legs are all puffy. I need to keep fighting though.

When will this madness end??? I am in a turmoil. I'm panicking. I'm ashamed.
So frustrating.

Body image

Today I feel HORRIBLE about my body. No clothes look right, my jeans are slipping off my hips really uncomfortably… so I changed into leggings and I feel better. But I'm still sad. My clothe sstill fit. But they don't look the same. They look tighter and different. Part of me wants to just toss all my clothes and get new ones.. but at the same time, I like my clothes. They fit me, I just have to get used to the new way they look on me.

Body image is probably one of the hardest parts of recovery. You eat and eat and stay out of the bathroom and do everything right, and your body just expands and grows and becomes… well, different. I HATE body image stuff. It makes me feel weak and shallow and superficial.. it just isnt' me. Outside doesn't matter to me, it's the INSIDE that matters. Then why am I so self conscious and obsessed with my body? I don't understand it. It baffles me.

So I've gained some weight… so what?? SO WHAT?? Weighing more does NOT make me less of a person, it does NOT tell anyone what kind of young woman I am. I am a caring, kind, compassionate, determined young woman. The size of my body doesn't change that. My weight does NOT define me. I am stronger than that. I  am not a number. I am a person.

So today I will suck it up and deal with my new body. My body image will NOT affect how I eat and what I eat today. I am eating because I deserve it and I am keeping the food down because that's what my body need. My body needs food. And I am going to give my body that food. No excuses.

I will NOT let poor body image get in the way of taking care of myself today.

I will never be satisfied

There's this subject of weight. It's a big topic in society these days... How much do you weight? What's your bmi? Do you count calories? What diet are you on? It's nonsense. Obsession. And I actively participate in the insanity.

I don't think I will ever be happy with my weight. I have weighed much more than I do now, and I have weighed much much less. The thing is whether I weighed xx lbs or xxx lbs I was NOT happy. At xx I was desperately thin and painful and fragile looking. I was miserable and weak and had to wear little girl clothing. At xxx I had energy. I wore bigger clothes. I was NOT happy. It doesn't matter what I weigh. In a range of 60 lbs I am never happy.

So I have to look at other pieces of the puzzle. At xx lbs I have achieved the sad little girl look that feels safer to me than being a woman. But I'm tired all the time, I'm sore, I can't walk anywhere, I'm exhausted and drained and very very emotional. Does that sound like a way to live?? NO. It's not. It's miserable.

At xxx lbs I'm a bit on the "plush" side. Bigger clothes, rounder face. I'm miserable. But I feel stronger and have energy. I can walk and run and standup without fainting. 

So where's the balance? Somewhere in between. Today I feel ok about my body. It's somewhere in between. It's a middle ground. I know my dietician will want me to gain some as I've lost weight since being sick. Middle ground.

I will never be happy. I will have to merely accept a healthy body. Work and work and work at acceptance. It's all one can do.

Today I am grateful that even though I've put my body through hell it still functions. Working on acceptance.

Down day

Yesterday I felt great about my body. I was happy, less bloated, feeling really good. Today not so much. I feel puffy and uncomfortable. But you know what? THAT IS OK. Some days are better than others. Some days you feel great. Sometimes you feel crappy. Such is life. Life is up and down.

So how do you handle the down days? You think about the times you felt good and hang on to that. Remind yourself that the negative feelings don't last forever!! They are temporary and fleeting. Good days will come and balance out the bad.

On days where you don't feel 100% don't give up! Tell yourself you're going to be ok. Tell yourself these feelings will certainly pass and the sun will shine again. Wear clothes that feel good. Eat and drink and listen to your body. Go for a nice walk, do yoga, listen to music, breathe: wait for the feelings to pass because they WILL pass.

Keep fighting keep plugging along. Focus on the good in your life!!

Accepting your body

One thing I'm having a lot of trouble with is accepting my body. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel ok. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted and appalled. So I try to hold on to the times where I feel good. 

Today I am wearing a tank top and leggings. I looked in the mirror and was ok. And then I looked again and was uncomfortable. But I didn't change. I left the house in my original outfit. I looked at my reflection on the way to the bus stop and felt uncomfortable but I am tolerating it. I will not feel like this forever. Some day I won't have to look in every reflection. Some day I will be happy with how I look and stay in one outfit per day. I have, in fact, gotten better about this. The past week I've pretty much stayed in one outfit all day. Which is huge progress!!

Embrace your body. Embrace every flaw, every curve, every roll, all the cellulite,. Your hair legs, your messy hair, your blemishes in your face. You are beautiful just the way you are. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!

Breakfast this morning is a bagel with honey cream cheese, and greek yogurt with berries. What are you having for breakfast?

Keep fighting!!! 

A very rare selfie!'

Say Goodbye to Poor Body Image

I am just plain uncomfortable in my body right now. I don't have a mirror in my room so I have to go between my room and the bathroom to see how my clothes look... and I'm just not happy with how my clothes look. I feel like my stomach is puffy and my legs are huge and my face is too round. Ugh. I hate feeling this way. 

So I'm looking for the positives. Trying to embrace my body. 
Here are some tips :)

Say Goodbye to Poor Body Image
http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/Emotional-Health/Say-Goodbye-to-Your-Poor-Body-Image.aspx?p=2

Our bodies are gifts. Partake of all the marvelous things we can do with our bodies—run, jump, skip, dance, leap, walk, swim, cartwheel, sing…you name it. How much more fun it is to use our bodies, than it is to think about our bodies. How much more energizing it is to engage with our bodies, instead of draining away our life force with petty obsessing over the slope of our stomach, the size of our breasts, the shape of our arms, and…you get the picture.

Unfortunately, just getting out there and using our bodies is not the magic bullet. Why?—because too often we are “using it” for the wrong reasons. We’re working out just to be thin, thinner, thinnest. As with so much in life, intention is the crux. If we bring a sense of unworthiness to our workout, if it’s just about looking good in that new sweater dress, we will never be satisfied. If instead we bring an intention to be healthy, in body, mind and spirit, we are ripe for happiness. The bonus—we will feel better about our bodies.

Unfortunately, just getting out there and using our bodies is not the magic bullet. Why?—because too often we are “using it” for the wrong reasons. We’re working out just to be thin, thinner, thinnest. As with so much in life, intention is the crux. If we bring a sense of unworthiness to our workout, if it’s just about looking good in that new sweater dress, we will never be satisfied. If instead we bring an intention to be healthy, in body, mind and spirit, we are ripe for happiness. The bonus—we will feel better about our bodies.

nice. I’m not saying we ought to be nice girls all the time—there’s a time and place for not-niceness (ask for that raise!). What I’m talking about is the golden rule at work. We don’t feel good about ourselves, when we think that other women are sizing us up and finding us wanting. And why do we think other women are doing so? Because we’re doing it right back at them. End the talk. It doesn’t do anyone any good.

Focus on what you like about your body. As the song goes, “you’ve got to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.” When you look in the mirror (if you must…more coming on this), practice looking at what pleases you and ignoring what doesn’t.

Every time you offer another woman a genuine, authentic compliment, that positive energy will flow back to you.

Throw away those women’s magazines, which propagate the thin ideal, and embed insidious messages of inadequacy in our minds. There’s too much else worth reading to waste time on what undermines our self-image.

Restrict your intake of mirror time. Of course, you want to make sure you don’t have your shirt on inside out, and that nothing’s showing that ought not to be—tags, bra straps, t-bars; but other than that, try not lingering. Instead of scrutinizing how flat your stomach looks, or studying the curve of your bottom in your jeans, walk away. You will discover the inverse relationship between time spent looking in the mirror and how comfortable you feel in your clothing and ultimately in your body. More mirror time, more picking at your clothing and feeling not quite right. Less mirror time and you might even find yourself forgetting to think about the fit of your clothes, or the shape of your body. How much more mind space then to think about the things that really matter.

Volunteer at a women’s organization. We feel better about ourselves and our challenges feel more surmountable, when we put energy into helping others. The shape of our thighs will become that much less important when we’re focused on someone else’s needs.

Spend time alone with your mind. Our minds are the true source of our body image, not the numbers on a scale or the fit of a pair of jeans. Even if it’s only 10 minutes, time spent intentionally noticing the chatter of our mind is healing. As Molly Barker, founder of Girls on the Run says, “Beauty is an inside job”—inside our minds. Notice the messages you’re sending yourself about your body. You have the power to change those messages. After all, it’s your mind, right?

Love your body.

Wearing what's comfortable

Right now the only thing I really feel comfortable in is skirts.... I find that they don't hug my body as much as pants or jeans or shorts and it's hot out so skirts are nice. I have a few skirts that I feel look ok on me, and that's what I've been wearing... and that's ok. I am almost at my target weight. I feel that I'm pretty much there. And if I can tolerate the weight gain by wearing clothes that feel comfortable I think that's ok.

Some day I'd like to be comfortable in jeans and shorts and tight tank tops. I'd like to be able to embrace my body for how it looks and wear a variety of clothes. Right now I just can't. I think I will certainly try to challenge myself with clothes. Wear jeans one day... shorts another. I will get there.

Clothes are a difficult concept for me. I hate shopping as clothing sizes are all different depending on which brand you are trying on. I don't like that I have a range of sizes that fit me, I wish it was just one universal size that I knew I wore and it didn't have to be a battle with clothing. The nice thing is all my clothes fit me when I'm at a healthy weight. I never buy clothes when I fall into the depths of my eating disorder... I just couldn't deal with growing out of the clothes when I inevitably gained the weight back. Basically when I get sick and lose weight, my clothes hang off me. And then when I'm healthy my clothes fit. I guess it's kind of a good incentive to gain the weight so my clothes will fit again. It's just hard getting used to the clothes sagging off me and then seeing that they fit my body properly. It's really uncomfortable.

Basically, wear clothes that make you feel good. Whether that's jeans or pants or dresses or skirts, you are beautiful no matter what you wear. Tshirts and sweat pants are ok too. I live in either skirts or workout clothes... and it's ok. I will reach a point where I feel comfortable in more clothes and you will too. Hang in there.

Happiness = positive body image

I've been feeling good about my body... which is really really rare for me. Usually by the end of the day I feel disgusted at how I look. But the past few days, I've actually felt ok. I am embracing my new body. I am learning to accept how I look. And at times, I even feel good. It's really weird. I've hated my body for so long that actually liking how I look feels really foreign. 

I think there is a direct correlation between what is going on in my life and how I feel about my body. I'm pretty sure my body looks the same way it did a week ago... but a week ago I was ready to crawl out of my skin. There hasn't been a drastic change in my weight... and in fact I'm eating MUCH more than I was eating a week ago. So really my stomach should be more puffy. But it isn't! I don't know if more food is actually making my body healthy and happy and therefore I don't need to bloat.. or maybe it really is just my perception. 

Whatever the reason, I'll take positive body image days! I think there is a direct correlation between my mood and changes in my life and my positive self image. I have taken control of my eating. It is up to me and only me to have breakfast in the morning and lunch in the afternoon. If I wanted to skip meals I could. But I am CHOOSING to do what's healthy, and it feels amazing! I get to choose what I want to eat and what tastes good and I don't feel the pressure of someone watching me. I am eating 100% better than I was last week. Not calorie counting, not obsessing... even eating an extra piece of chocolate when I crave it! My thinking makes a lot more sense. I don't feel like binging, probably because I am actually eating enough for my body. The result of doing the right thing and following my meal plan is completely positive. Why wasn't I eating better a week ago? I thought semi-restricting would make me feel better, but it just drained the energy out of me and ruined any kind of enjoyment I might get from food. I am eating what I crave, while still following my exchanges, and it feels awesome. I feel better than I have in forever. I love walking, I have pep in my step, I don't run out of energy. I feel alive. 

I think that my happiness is making me see my body more accurately. I am happy therefore I am happy in my body. I don't have a full length mirror now, so I don't see my entire reflection, but what I see in windows and mirrors I am ok with. 

You CAN reach a point of peace with your body. Rest, walk, dance, do what makes you happy. Eat what tastes good and what makes you feel satisfied. DO NOT RESTRICT. Restricting is the enemy. DO NOT PURGE. It will only land you in places you don't want to be... hospitals, treatment, and eventually death. Find the will to live! Find something, anything to grab onto with your dear life and take the steps forward to get healthy. I'm not completely on the other side yet. But I can see it and I can feel it and I can taste it. I'm getting there. And you can too. 

Believe in yourself!!!

Being nicer to yourself

I am very mean to myself. I tell myself constantly that I'm ugly, that I'm heavy, that I'm not pertty enough, that I'm unworthy of love because of my ugly appearance. These thoughts run through my head constantly. "I'm not good enough..." "I'm ugly on the inside and out..." "I hate my body." And where does this get me? NOWHERE. I get absolutely normal telling myself mean things. So why do I keep doing it? Why do I criticize myself constantly? It only brings me down. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. It makes me want to cry.

I need to stop being so mean to myself. I need to really work on saying affirmations and saying nice things instead of harsh criticisms. I would NEVER talk to a friend the way I talk to myself. I would never say these things to someone I love or care about. I don't deserve to be talked to the way I talk to myself. If someone else said the things to me that I say to myself I would be horribly offended. I would probably cry! So why is it ok if I say these things to myself? It's not. It just plain isn't ok for me to talk the way I talk to myself. 

How do I turn things around and change my self talk? It will take a LOT of work. Constant affirmations will be needed. I've thought about posting some around my room as a reminder. I need to think each time I say something mean to myself, and try to say something nice to balance it out. I need to not criticize my looks every time I look in the mirror (The tiny bathroom mirror ><) It's time to be nicer to myself. 

How are you going to be nicer to yourself today?

No mirrors

My new house is great. Lots of independence. Lots of freedom. It's quiet. But you know what's missing?? A MIRROR. At my other house I had mirror closet doors. At this house the only mirrors are in the bathroom and they are only half-length mirrors. I am going crazy! Trying to get dressed is a hassle as I have to keep walking back and forth to the bathroom from my bedroom. I really need a mirror for my door. 

I am going to get a mirror. But I have been thinking "I can survive without a mirror." Right? The mirror is not the most important thing in the world. Looks are not the most important thing in the world. I can live without seeing my reflection. I am not conceded or vain. But on the other hand, I want to make sure I look ok. I am very self-consious about my mid section and legs, and I want to make sure that the clothes I wear make me look ok. I am just so uncomfortable :/ I want the mirror to make sure I look ok.  

I know it's silly that I'm so concerned about having a mirror... I wish it didn't matter to me. I'll admit I got dressed in a hurry this morning and didn't look at my reflection and I survived. I didn't see my reflection until I got to school and saw myself in the glass, and I felt ok I guess. But by the time class was over I was really uncomfortable. I changed into a skirt and black tank top when I got home. And then changed into shorts. And then into leggings, and then into shorts again, and now in work out clothes. Ugh. I just want a day where I feel ok in my body. I hate feeling this way. 

Looks are FAR from everything. People who care about me don't judge me based on my looks. They care about me as a person. I am the person who notices all the flaws. And it needs to stop. I'm wondering if having my first calorie-count/restrict free day is subconsciously making me more aware of my body? I'm determined. I can do this. I just wish I wasn't so uncomfortable. 

Improving body image

Below you will find suggestions to help you improve your overall body image, which will be an integral part of the recovery process.Everyone should feel good about their body, no matter what size you are! If you have any ideas you'd like to share, send them by e-mail!
Tips to Improve Your Body Image
Do Self-affirmations daily! It's what's inside that counts.
Wear clothes you feel comfortable in. Don't wear clothes that feel too tight or restrict movement. Don't hold off on buying clothes you like -- do it now! Dress to express yourself, not to impress others. You should feel good in what you wear.
Cut labels out of your clothes. The size on the tags shouldn't dictate your mood for the day!
Stay away from the scale -- as a matter of fact, get rid of it! If your weight needs to be monitored, leave that up to the doctors. How much you weigh should never affect your self-esteem or your sense of who you are.
Before you look in the mirror, think optimistically. When you start your day, decide how you are feeling before going to the mirror. No one looks good with bed-head, and our moods aren't determined by the reflection we see. Start your day with self-affirmations, relax in a hot shower, think of all the positive ways you will cope with any stresses of the day ahead, and think of the things you have to be thankful for in your life... only then are you more prepared to face yourself with pride.
Talk to yourself at the mirror. Focus on what you like and remind yourself that it's okay to like and appreciate what you see, no matter what size you are.
Stay away from fashion magazines. Let's fact it, most fashion and women's magazines focus on an ideal of beauty that is just not something anyone in real-life can be. Most models make up less than one percent of the human population when it comes to their size! In addition, each one has a staff of people to make them transform into what the final photo looks like -- designers, make-up artists, camera people and lighting specialists, and photo retouchers (think "airbrush"). Unless you can look through these magazines knowing they are purely fantasy, it's just better to stay away from them. Invest in magazines that contribute to who you are -- News magazine, magazines that relate to positive hobbies and interests (art, music, sports, traveling, home decorating, gardening, etc.) -- they make a magazine for just about everything these days... I even recently saw one just for beany-baby collecting!
Make a "why I like myself" list. Think of all the things about YOUthat you like -- are you honest? Creative? Intelligent? Compassionate? Loyal? Kind? Think of all the reason you deserve to love yourself and write them down. Hang the list up next to the mirror as a reminder that these things are what make you truly beautiful.
Take the time to do nice things for your body. One a month get a massage, a manicure, or a facial. Pamper yourself to long hot baths by candlelight. Get together with a friend and give each other pedicures. Buy lotions that feel and smell good and treat yourself to some perfume or body mist. Take naps when you need to, just because you can!
Take risks to challenge yourself. Think of things you normally wouldn't do and try them (you'll find out that the world won't cave in) -- leave the house without makeup, get a wild new haircut (how many years have you had that same hairdo???), spend all day in your pajamas or go out to run an errand in them. The point is, your makeup, hair and clothes do not make you who you are! Prove it!
Go places you'd never go alone. Ever go to a movie by yourself? Or enjoy a cup of coffee at the local cafe and read the paper? How about a fancy restaurant, dinner for one? These are treasured experiences, time spent with yourself, and that is the first person you need to get to know and love spending time with. Take the risk and try it!
Stay alert to fighting negative self-talk. When that little voice of doom pops up in your mind trying to remind you how horrible you think you are, have a strategy for turning those negatives to positives. No one is perfect! When you find yourself being self critical immediately stop and pay yourself a compliment!
Stay active. Movement therapy is something that helps improve everyone's sense of being. Take up Yoga or Tai' Chi. Join a Karate class. Take a thirty-minute walk three days a week. Get outside and play volleyball with the kids or go rollerskating in the park with your friends. Take a leisurely bike ride at sunrise. Make angels in the snow and sandcastles at the beach. Be active and enjoy life!
Ask for a hug when you need it. Sometimes there is no better therapy then a hug and a kind word from someone that cares about you, but our loved-ones aren't mind readers! Tell them when you're having a bad day and ask for a hug, a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen.
Protect the child in you. Look at children around you now -- would you criticize them for being themselves? Are you focused on the weight of a five-year-old while you watch them play with friends? Wouldn't you protect a child being picked on? Well you don't deserve to be picked on either, and you don't deserve to be picked on by yourself!
Remind yourself that the people who truly love you, love you for YOU, not for what you look like.
Remind yourself that looking healthy is something positive. It means that you are well rested, eating right and nurturing your soul. It means no more than that, and no less than that.
Read books that help you improve self-image. The author Sarkwrites some of my favorites!
Remember the whole world... We are all different and we're supposed to be that way. It would be an incredibly boring world if we all looked exactly the same. It's a truly special experience to look around and realize that everyone is beautiful, no matter what size, color or gender they are. There is beauty in everyone, and that includes you!
http://www.something-fishy.org/reach/bodyimage.php

10 "will powers" for improving body image

I WILL ask myself: “Am I benefiting from focusing on what I believe are flaws in my body weight or shape?”

I WILL think of three reasons why it is ridiculous for me to believe that thinner people are happier or “better.” I will repeat these reasons to myself whenever I feel the urge to compare my body shape to someone else’s.

I WILL spend less and less time in front of mirrors—especially when they are making me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious about my body.   

I WILL exercise for the joy of feeling my body move and grow stronger. I will not exercise simply to lose weight, purge fat from my body, or to “make-up” for calories I have eaten.

I WILL participate in activities that I enjoy, even if they call attention to my weight and shape.I will constantly remind myself that I deserve to do things I enjoy, like dancing, swimming, etc., no matter what my shape or size is!

I WILL refuse to wear clothes that are uncomfortable or that I do not like but wear simply because they divert attention from my weight or shape. I will wear clothes that are comfortable and that make me feel at home in my body.

I WILL list 5 to10 good qualities that I have, such as understanding, intelligence, or creativity. I will repeat these to myself whenever I start to feel bad about my body.

I WILL practice taking people seriously for what they say, feel, and do. Not for how slender, or “well put together” they appear.

I WILL surround myself with people and things that make me feel good about myself and my abilities. When I am around people and things that support me and make me feel good, I will be less likely to base my self-esteem on the way my body looks.

I WILL treat my body with respect and kindness. I will feed it, keep it active, and listen to its needs. I will remember that my body is the vehicle that will carry me to my dreams! 

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/10-will-powers-improving-body-image 

Clothes

It's funny... I'm noticing that clothes are looking different on my body. They just don't look the same as they did a couple months ago. But you know what? I'm actually liking how my clothes look! Today is my second day of not wrapping my chest In ace bandages, and it feels ok actually. I am learning to embrace my new recovery body. 

My body is much bigger than It was a few weeks ago. But my clothing size is the same and clothes actually look better on me now! I'm not so sickly looking. I feel strong and healthy, and that feels good. Of course I have days and moments where I feel uncomfortable, but for the most part I am getting used to my new shape.

This is huge progress for me. I've had so much trouble accepting my body, I have always struggled with this. And finally I can look in the mirror and be proud of my recovery. My hair is healthier, my skin is better, I am not pale and hollow looking.

Appearance is far from the most important thing. What's on the inside is what counts. But it helps to feel good on the outside as well as the inside. How did I get here? Lots of positive self talk and affirmations. I can't always be positive. Sometimes I just can't bring myself to say anything nice about myself. But I'm trying to turn my thoughts around. Focus on my new strength and energy and be grateful for all my body does for me.

Recovery is an amazing thing. Keep fighting and you'll get there. Every day things look a little brighter!! 

Make yourself feel good

Some days I wake up and I just can't stand what I see in the mirror. I want to shave off my hair, and pull out my eyebrows, and wash off my freckles, and chop off parts of my body. When I felt like this in the past I would just not eat, or I would purge, or I would cut myself to try and make SOME kind of change to my body, just so I didn't have that horrible feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin. But I'm not doing those things anymore. I am choosing to do healthy things for my body... that doesn't mean I don't have bad days. I  just handle them differently.

First, I have started wearing a little bit of make up. Not to much, just concealer and blush and sometimes a little mascara (although I cry a lot and don't have waterproof so I only wear it if I know I won't be crying). It makes me feel good about myself... makes me feel pretty. It ups my self esteem a little bit, sometimes just enough to get myself out of a funk and out of the house. It's easy, takes only a couple minutes, and doesn't hurt me in any way. Make up is good on these days.

Second, I wear clothes that make me feel good. And this is tricky because some days one outfit will feel good and the next day it will feel terrible. And often times I start the day in one outfit, and by the middle of the day I feel uncomfortable again and I change. And sometimes I change again... and again... and again... and usually I end up in the same outfit I started with. haha. That happened this afternoon. I'm wearing shorts and a t shirt and I felt like my tummy was poofing out a bit, so I put on a skirt, and then shorts, and a few different shirts but ended up wearing the same t shirt and shorts I started out with. (Silly I know.) But I have to feel good in what I'm wearing, and I have to feel comfortable. None of the other outfits made me feel comfortable, so I changed. And now I'm ok. Wear what makes you feel good. I lived in "play" dresses and leggings for a long time. And that's ok.

Also, turn your thoughts around! Turn your negative body statements into positive affirmations. Tell yourself you are ok just the way you are, that you are a beautiful person on the inside, that you are good at singing or dancing or whatever you're good at.... say it in the mirror. Tell yourself good things. I have trouble with this, but when I DO say nice things to myself I feel better. Try saying nice things. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like you'd treat a friend or family member.

You don't have to be destructive to feel better about yourself. Do little, healthy things and you can feel 100 times better. It's ok to have "down" moments. They will pass and you will feel ok again. Believe me, I have down moments all the time! But I tell myself that in a little while I won't feel that way and that keeps me going.

Keep fighting. Get through the tough spots because the good moments are SO worth it.

Loving my recovery body

I have had a long hard road with my body. My body has been abused, neglected, starved, cut on, burned, slammed into walls and had every boundary broken. I have not loved my body, at any point, and I have not taken care of it the way a body should be taken care of. But things are changing. Today I looked in the mirror, and you know what? I feel ok. I am able to look at my reflection and tell my body "you look ok today." And that feels like a minor miracle.

I hated my body from a very young age, probably because it was violated in so many ways and I had no reason to love or even like it. I felt like my body was ruined. I was taller than all my friends growing up, and therefore weighed more, so I always felt too big and heavy. I wore bigger clothes, bigger shoes, bigger everything. Even as a young child that bothered me. My eating disorder developed and my hate for my body grew even stronger. From 8 years old I starved my body and harmed the body in various ways.

I've been in recovery several times; not for very long, but I have had short periods of being healthy. However, I have never been able to accept my recovery body. When you recover from an eating disorder your body goes haywire. Some people don't need to gain weight, but I did have to restore many pounds, and that is NOT a pretty process. First you gain all the weight in your stomach and you look pregnant. Then your legs and arms swell up from edema, or water retention, and it's super uncomfortable. You pretty much have to live in sweatpants and t shirts. My problem has been getting past this stage and allowing the weight to settle down and redistribute. Every time I have gained recovery weight I have freaked out about the disproportionate way the weight looks and have started to lose weight again. I've never given my body enough time to adjust. I've been in constant flux... underweight, normal weight, underweight, normal weight.... I don't know HOW much weight I've lost and gained the past ten years, but it's a lot. Anyway, I've never waited long enough.

This time is different. I gained the weight (almost all of it). And the first several weeks I had skinny little arms and a huge HUGE stomach. And then my feet and legs swelled up like balloons and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide forever. But I stuck it out. And now here I am, about 4 weeks into maintaining my weight, and the weight has started to redistribute!! My arms are a little bigger, my legs are little bigger, but my stomach is pretty normal sized. Usually when I get to a healthy weight I hide in baggy shirts and sweat pants. But I'm not doing that! First, it's summer and it would be really uncomfortable to be in heavy clothes. Second, I am actually feeling MORE comfortable in clothes that fit my body! I am wearing form fitting shirts and jeans and skirts, and it feels OK! I have moments throughout the day when I get really uncomfortable, but I also have moments where I look in the mirror and actually like how I look! For example, today I was wearing a form fitting dress, and then now I am wearing shorts and a form fitting t-shirt! I cannot BELIEVE I feel comfortable in these clothes. But I do! And I'm not questioning why I'm just going with it!

This is a huge breakthrough for me. I have spent SO long hating my body and mistreating it, that having even a few moments of feeling good is such a huge relief. I know that later today I will probably look in the mirror and be unhappy again, but I am going to cherish and treasure the positive feelings I have right now. And this blog post can remind me when I am feeling down I think. Proof that I had a moment of feeling good and that the bad feelings will pass.

Celebrate the beauty of your healthy body!!