Loving my recovery body

I have had a long hard road with my body. My body has been abused, neglected, starved, cut on, burned, slammed into walls and had every boundary broken. I have not loved my body, at any point, and I have not taken care of it the way a body should be taken care of. But things are changing. Today I looked in the mirror, and you know what? I feel ok. I am able to look at my reflection and tell my body "you look ok today." And that feels like a minor miracle.

I hated my body from a very young age, probably because it was violated in so many ways and I had no reason to love or even like it. I felt like my body was ruined. I was taller than all my friends growing up, and therefore weighed more, so I always felt too big and heavy. I wore bigger clothes, bigger shoes, bigger everything. Even as a young child that bothered me. My eating disorder developed and my hate for my body grew even stronger. From 8 years old I starved my body and harmed the body in various ways.

I've been in recovery several times; not for very long, but I have had short periods of being healthy. However, I have never been able to accept my recovery body. When you recover from an eating disorder your body goes haywire. Some people don't need to gain weight, but I did have to restore many pounds, and that is NOT a pretty process. First you gain all the weight in your stomach and you look pregnant. Then your legs and arms swell up from edema, or water retention, and it's super uncomfortable. You pretty much have to live in sweatpants and t shirts. My problem has been getting past this stage and allowing the weight to settle down and redistribute. Every time I have gained recovery weight I have freaked out about the disproportionate way the weight looks and have started to lose weight again. I've never given my body enough time to adjust. I've been in constant flux... underweight, normal weight, underweight, normal weight.... I don't know HOW much weight I've lost and gained the past ten years, but it's a lot. Anyway, I've never waited long enough.

This time is different. I gained the weight (almost all of it). And the first several weeks I had skinny little arms and a huge HUGE stomach. And then my feet and legs swelled up like balloons and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide forever. But I stuck it out. And now here I am, about 4 weeks into maintaining my weight, and the weight has started to redistribute!! My arms are a little bigger, my legs are little bigger, but my stomach is pretty normal sized. Usually when I get to a healthy weight I hide in baggy shirts and sweat pants. But I'm not doing that! First, it's summer and it would be really uncomfortable to be in heavy clothes. Second, I am actually feeling MORE comfortable in clothes that fit my body! I am wearing form fitting shirts and jeans and skirts, and it feels OK! I have moments throughout the day when I get really uncomfortable, but I also have moments where I look in the mirror and actually like how I look! For example, today I was wearing a form fitting dress, and then now I am wearing shorts and a form fitting t-shirt! I cannot BELIEVE I feel comfortable in these clothes. But I do! And I'm not questioning why I'm just going with it!

This is a huge breakthrough for me. I have spent SO long hating my body and mistreating it, that having even a few moments of feeling good is such a huge relief. I know that later today I will probably look in the mirror and be unhappy again, but I am going to cherish and treasure the positive feelings I have right now. And this blog post can remind me when I am feeling down I think. Proof that I had a moment of feeling good and that the bad feelings will pass.

Celebrate the beauty of your healthy body!!