Painful memories

This afternoon I went with my house to a coffee shop downtown. I had an iced coffee, I was enjoying myself, and then a guy I went to school with walked in. He said hi to me, said he'd just been at lunch with several other people from the school.... he was with another old student.
My stomach dropped to the floor and I felt like I was about to pass out. This young many stirred up so many memories of a very dark time in my life.

I went to a behavioral school because of my eating disorder. It wasn't residential, I went home at night. It was run by a man and a woman, a very abusive social worker (I'll call her "C"). The school was a harmful environment, even though my parents thought at first it was the right fit for me. I did well at this school at first, but eventually I deteriorated and got sicker than ever before.

This young man was there my first day of school. I had just gotten out of the psychiatric hospital, and was severely restricting and purging. My first day I had a bag of graham crackers, which I threw away in one of the school trash cans. Another girl saw me and told the social worker. "C" got in my face, screaming, telling me that I was a liar and cheater, that I was f88king with the wrong people, that I was a spoiled brat, that I was sick, that I was manipulative and sneaky. I was terrified. I had never had anyone get in my face like that. And as I got screamed at, in front of the entire school, this young man I saw today laughed. He laughed while I got screamed at. I was so ashamed.

I know now that I'm safe. I don't have to deal with the people at that school anymore. But it was a horrible, scary time in my life. I was young and very sick, and all I wanted was love. I was so deprived of nurturing and care, and "C" destroyed any ounce of self esteem that I might have had left after 6 months of Maudsley family therapy. My classmates were thrilled and excited to watch me get in trouble, and I see, and my parents see now, how messed up that school really was.

I have a stomach ache now... I feel sick. All I want to do is purge. But I am stronger than this. I am brave, I am a good person. "C" can't hurt me anymore, and this young man I ran into doesn't want to hurt me either. We were friends at one point, so maybe he was actually happy to see me? Who knows. But I am NOT going to act upon urges. That would be letting the dark side win, and I am in the light. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am safe.

We are going out to dinner tonight... Coco's bakery. Not sure what I'm going to order. Not feeling hungry in the slightest. And I can't stand the staff member who's with the house tonight. Ugh. Just want to curl into a ball and hide. But I am doing the opposite of that. I will eat my dinner, eat my snack... only two days until freedom. I can do this.