Thinking about life

I've been thinking about life today. The fact that I am alive. And the fact that I could not be alive right now. In February I (well one of my parts) took a lethal overdose. I went into respiratory failure and I was rushed to the hospital, where I was put on life support for a few days. I am alive because a painting fell off the wall in my bathroom when I fell over. My dad happened to be home from work. If he hadn't heard that painting fall, and if he hadn't been home, I would not be alive today. I was lucky. I truly intended to die when I took the overdose, but something got in the way. I guess I was destined to survive. 

What if the painting hadn't fallen off the wall?

What if my dad had been at work? 

What if I had taken the overdose at night when everyone was asleep? 

What if I hadn't survived?

For a long time after the overdose I was so angry that I had been found. I felt that I didn't deserve to be alive, that I was a burden on everyone around me and that everyone would be happier if I was no longer alive. I know now how much it would have affected people in my life if I hadn't survived. My parents would have been devastated, my sister's life would have been completely unravelled. People who know me would have been shocked and confused. The kids I work with in the preschool would have lost a teacher. I would have changed people's lives, but not for the better. My death would have been a tragedy. 

I am grateful that my dad heard that painting fall off the wall. He had enough time to call 911 and I got the hospital. There are moments, when I feel really low, that I still wish I hadn't survived. But in general I am very grateful. I am in school, volunteering, I have made friends.... there are many good things happening in my life. I could have missed out on all these opportunities. Today, I am grateful to be alive.