Keep fighting

Recovery is hard. I think trying to get into recovery is one of, if not the, hardest things I have ever done.  Every step of the way I've wanted to give up. I didn't want to gain weight. I didn't want to eat enough. I didn't want to drink water. I accepted that I would constantly be dizzy… that my clothes would be too big.. that I was shrinking into nothing. I felt comfortable in the sick role. It was familiar to me. I was the screw up and that's how it would always be. Well now I know differently. 

Recovery is SUPER scary. You have to soar far out of your comfort zone. Eating a little more, until you are actually satisfied. Drinking enough water to get your blood pressure up. Not over exercising. Being honest. Not sneaking around and purging after meals. Distracting through the agony that is the first phase of starting to eat again. And the first few weeks are pure hell. Swelling, bloating, feeling constantly sick.. but you can get past that stage into a new place where you actually feel GOOD. It takes a few weeks, yes, but it's worth the agony I promise. If you are struggling, take the risk…. get into recovery. I guarantee it's worth it. Not easy, but so worth it. 

What did I tell myself to get past the first weeks of hell? I told myself I just couldn't be sick anymore. I told myself I had no option but to get into recovery. If I continued on the path I was going a few months, I would have ended up in the hospital surely, and if I kept purging and harming myself I could have not survived. The reality is that eating disorders are deadly. If you keep restricting and purging and binging and self harming, you aren't going to live a long life, and it's going to be miserable. You have to tell yourself there just isn't another option. You have to get better. You have to keep fighting. 

I fight every day to do the right thing, and sometimes I mess up. But I don't allow those slips to unravel me. I think about what happened and I move forward. And overall I am doing well. I am closer to recovery than I've ever been… I feel it just within reach. Recovery is just within reach, and I am GOING to get there. I know I can. I've been sick for too long. It's time to make a change. 

I have to ACCEPT my new body, and no it's not teeny tiny. I am a curvy young woman, and that is ok. I have given up calorie counting… and I've given up excessive exercise. I am not purging or binging. I am eating my meals and snacks until I am satisfied. I'm doing this. Every day is a battle. In fact every meal is a battle. But I'm doing it. 

You can get into recovery. Take that leap of faith. 

Keep fighting.

So excited!

I am very excited for this coming week. Why? So many good things are happening!!

First: on Monday I start school! I have my first class, child growth and development, on Monday morning, and the child family community on Tuesday evening and then my growth and development class on Wednesday morning again. I have my books and pens and a notebook and I'm just so excited!! I love school! And it will be something to focus on besides my recovery and therapy. I know therapy is important but it's a lot and really draining to do every day all day. A break with school will be super nice.

And then mid week I am moving into independent housing!! YAY!!! Have my own room, no staff to bug, have food in the kitchen and chemicals to do chores around the house... I am seriously so excited!! I can't wait to have freedom!! I can't wait to feel like an adult again!!

This week just can't come soon enough. I want to blink my eyes or click my heels and have it be monday!

Big things are happening!!! And I can't wait!!!!

Up early

I'm awake... been awake since 6:00. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being up early! But in the house where I live, it kind of sucks. Nobody is awake, and we don't have breakfast until 9:15!! So I have to wait three hours to have breakfast.

When I move out of the residential house I am in now and into regular housing, I will be able to get ready and have breakfast when I want to. I am also hoping, that once I am at my healthy weight, I will be able to go for runs in the morning! There is a nice lake about a mile away, and I would love to be able to get up, put on my running clothes and shoes, and go for a run. Definitely something to look forward to.

Today we are going on an outing to the La Jolla open air market, which is really lovely. Lots of fresh fruits and veggies to sample, good coffee, people selling clothes and art, and all kinds of things. I'm excited. I think I'll wear a cute summery dress, put on some makeup. I'm doing everything I can to deal with the weight gain, and it certainly doesn't hurt to try and make myself feel pretty, just a little bit.

Breakfast this morning will be Greek yogurt with fruit and almonds, a coffee latte, and a bran muffin. All healthy, but this breakfast is very filling for me. I will make it through.

What are you doing today?