Happy Friday!!

Happy Friday!

This morning I had an early session with my dietician and it went really well. I swore she was going to lower my meal plan but my plan is working for me. The goal now is to get in enough nutrition so I don't need the ensure plus. Adding the string cheese with my snacks... Eating enough at dinner. Just little things.

And I need NEED to stop counting calories. It just isn't productive. I keep saying I'm going to stop. But I can do this. I can live without counting calories I can. I just need to stop now! So far so good today. I talked to my dietician about becoming vegetarian. She isn't 100% on board but said she'll support me as long as I get in my protein and that it's not eating disorder related. And honestly it's not eating disorder related! Non meat proteins are actually higher in calories than turkey and chicken. It's not about calories. It's an ethical decision and o feel good about it.

Today I am having lunch and dinner out and I'm a little nervous. For lunch I'm going to get Panera, and I am going to have black bean soup and half a Mediterranean sandwich and an apple. Dinner will be a veggie burger with sautéed mushrooms. I am sort of uncomfortable eating out twice in a day but I'll make it through.

For now I am playing with kitty cats :) so sweet purrr machines!!!! Love love love!!

Have an amazing Friday :)

Going off my meal plan

If you had asked me a few months ago whether I thought I'd ever go off a meal plan I would have laughed and said never. Never ever! But today I am sitting here thinking about going off my meal plan and eating what I feel my body needs. I have some pretty good hunger signs back and I think I know my meal plan well enough that I could guesstimate how much I need to eat. I'd have to make sure I'm not undercutting things, but I really do feel that I could go off my meal plan and do ok. Weird I know!! It isreally  amazing how much change I've gone through these past few months. I never thought I'd reach this point. Eating what I feel like, stopping when I'm full..: not feeling like I need to binge and not eating too much. It feels like a miracle! Really it does!!

This morning I had 2 waffles with some syrup and greek yogurt with blueberries. None of it was measured. I also had coffee with some soy milk in it. For snack I had all bran cereal with soy milk and blueberries. Lunch was taquitos and salad and I felt full so I didn't eat all the spinach. Then by 4 I was hungry again do I had an apple and some cinnamon square cereal, and I was still hungry so I had a few more cinnamon squares and a cup of tea with soy milk. Now I feel content and will be ready for dinner at 6 or 7. This feels amazing. I can't even explain how amazing this feels. Listening to my body for the first time in years and years! I am so grateful. My body is resilient. I've put my body through so much but it is bouncing back stronger than ever! 

Intuitive eating here I come!!

Feeling good about being healthy

I just had a meeting with my dietician, and it was a good meeting. Yes there were tears, but it ended well! I was weighed, and my dietician informed me that she can now lower my meal plan and increase my activity. I was excited and devastated all at once. Does lowering my meal plan mean my weight has skyrocketed?? Am I too heavy?? My dietician assured me that is NOT the case. That it's time for me to have my meal plan lowered to catch up with my recovery. This makes sense… and I haven;t been meeting my whole meal plan anyway. This won't make much of a difference, but it IS a decrease, which is good. My dietician won't let me get too heavy and that is good.

Then we ate ice cream. Which tasted awesome! Mud pie (coffee ice cream with cookie crumbles). So delicious. I didn't even measure it and I was able to enjoy the treat! It tasted really good and I focused on that, not the calories, not that it's "bad." It's food that tastes yummy and that's ok! Healthy people are allowed to eat ice cream too. I am allowed to eat food that tastes good.

Then at the end of our meeting I made a decision. I asked my dietician if I could stop measuring my food. For the past several years I have used measuring cups and spoons with ALL of my food… rice, pasta, milk, peanut butter, cereal… you name it I measure it. Pretty obsessive right? But it's what I'm used to. So I made a decision. For this week I am NOT going to measure my food. I can eyeball how much I need. I can eat without measuring. SUPER nervous and scared but ready. I want to be a normal eater. I'm sick of measuring all my food. It's time.

AND. And I'm going to stop counting calories once and for all… not measuring my food will help me because I will not be able to exactly count all the calories. This is a huge step. I can do this. Progress!!!!

I feel good about the progress I've made. I can be PROUD that I am healthy. I am a fighter!! YOU Can do this too!! Take a leap of faith. Healthy is GOOD.

Food diary

I don't know what to write... so I'll give you my day in food.

Breakfast: Greek yogurt with strawberries and blueberries, cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese, coffee with soy milk

Snack: All bran cereal, peach, string cheese

Lunch: Subway chicken sandwich, apple slices, lemonade

Snack: Iced latte

Dinner: Turkey chili, brown rice, steamed carrots

Snack: TBD... I had planned oatmeal but it's so hot I'm thinking I want something else. Maybe waffles? I'll have to decide :)

What did you eat today?

A world of triggers

Possible trigger warning...



Today I was working with the kitties at petco. I work with a few other nice ladies, we all love cats, it's a great environment. On the cart, there is a big jar of jelly beans for all the volunteers. One of the volunteers, a woman maybe in her late 20s, said "Give me red and pink jelly beans, I haven't had anything 'bad' in weeks." She then proceeded to tell us she had only eaten 800 calories a day for three weeks. That she was beyond hungry. That she had passed out at the gym the other way. She is a beautiful young woman, and she said "I am grossly overweight." and then talked about what weight she feels most comfortable in. I was thrown off. I didn't know what to say.

I spoke up. I said that eating 800 calories a day is really unhealthy and that she should see a dietician. She said she's been in eating disorder treatment and that she saw a dietician for two years, and that she is restricting so heavily in order to avoid binging and purging. I feel very sad for her. She's a beautiful girl. It gives a hard blow, the reality that people in the world really do struggle with eating. It's not just in treatment, it's everywhere. People really struggle. And it breaks my heart.

I got out my snack; granola bar and string cheese. This girl laughed and said that I'm a "creature of habit" as I bring a string cheese and granola bar with me every week to petco. I find that if I skip snack or even eat it late, I get so hungry and shaky, and being hungry and shaky for me is risky and definitely sets me up to have behaviors like binging or purging. I nibbled on my snack hoping that the other women wouldn't say anything. I tried laughing while she laughed, but the thing is eating still makes me embarrassed. I wish I didn't have to eat in front of people sometimes. I wish I wasn't embarrassed to eat.

I think I handled the situation pretty well. I didn't fall apart or share too much about myself. I was strong with my response that this girl needs help, and I told her that I really am concerned about her health. I hope she gets the help she deserves. Basically, the world is full of triggers. People are triggering. I am learning to handle these everyday interactions. It will just make me a stronger person.

I saw my dietician this afternoon. And guess what? My meal plan is staying the same. No decreases. My body is doing really well on this meal plan. It's a LOT of food. But it's what I need right now. This is what I need. I'm not at my goal weight yet. I will get there. Sigh. Powering through.

Operation: not cutting corners

I have contracted to my dietician that I will not cut corners with my meal plan and I'm doing ok, but not 100% successful. Today I am short a few starches/grains because I traded my cereal and fruit for a Nutrigrain bar, and then only had one serving of tortilla chips with lunch, and then only had one serving of pretzels for snack. My body needs 100% but my mind seems to be getting in the way. I don't have any calorie counting apps anymore i just calculate the numbers on my calculator or just in my head. And it's making me miserable!!! All day trying to figure out how to cut corners... Not fun.

Operation: not cutting corners

1. Stop the calorie counting. STOP IT. The numbers are pointless and useless and aren't even accurate anyway. A calorie is a unit of energy. It's important to get enough energy and completely stupid to count every energy unit in the form of calories. Stupid.

2. Follow meal plan 100%. Eat what is written down. It is what my body needs to get healthy, no exceptions. Every carb, every protein, every tablespoon of peanut butter and butter and salad dressing is important. 

3. Be honest. If I do happen to skip something, write it down on my meal plan and explain what happened that 100% wasn't consumed. At least I'm honest. But this is in desperate situations.

4. Distract myself: there are so many better things in life than calories and food and exercise and all that nonsense. Start focusing on the things that really matter... Being healthy, friends, family, animals.... Just be more positive.

I am confident that I can do this. I've done it before. Eat 100% no exceptions. I will try to add some extra pasta to dinner and add another starch to my snack tonight. Got to be proactive. 

Never stop fighting. This is worth it.

Food today

Today has been a day of really yummy food. I feel satisfied although I'm not positive I've eaten enough... I find myself cutting corners here and there sometimes without even realizing. I'm trying to get better about this and is one of my current goals. I'm working at it.

Breakfast: 1/2 bran muffin,  Greek yogurt with blueberries and almonds. This is probably my favorite breakfast we have at the residential house. Sweet and tangy and full of protein and fiber and so tasty!!!

Snack: iced chai latte with a shot of espresso :) mmmmmm

Lunch: chipotle! Salad with sofritas (veggie protein), black beans, fajita veggies, salsa

Snack: iced coffee with soy milk (I went back to Starbucks because I had a treat receipt from earlier so it was cheap:) fiber one cereal, apple, and string cheese. Boring I know.

Dinner: going to be spaghetti with turkey meatballsans broccoli. This meal is challenging for me, especially  Tonight as we are having a creamy sauce. Eek. But will make it through.

Snack: I am making brownies for another housemate who is moving out of residential and into independent housing. This is a big deal. I have made brownies 4-5 times since I've been at this program but have never actually eaten them... And tonight I am going to have a brownie and soy milk!! I am determined to eat a brownie and keep it down because a) it is delicious and I deserve it and b) because it's a great challenge. I will post pictures later!

What have you eaten today?

My food today

Breakfast: waffles, veggie sausage, fruit salad

Snack: Nutrigrain bar and string cheese

Lunch: cheese quesadilla, mixed veggies, pretzels, grapes

Snack: fiber one, peach yogurt, strawberries and mango

Dinner: chicken sandwich with BBQ sauce and fruit salad

Snack: pita with hummus, banana, hot chocolate

And a couple Swedish fish :)

What have you eaten today?

Dinner

Whole wheat spaghetti, sauce, turkey meatballs, and broccoli. What did you have for dinner?

My meal plan today

I thought I'd share my meal plan from today. I will admit I cut a few corners, but not too badly.

Breakfast: 1 packet of oatmeal made with soy milk, with blueberries and almonds

Snack: Fiber one cereal, 1/2 banana, and string cheese

Lunch: Grilled cheese (made with butter EEK), tomato soup, spinach salad, and grapes

Snack: rice crackers, grapes, and string cheese

Dinner: Chicken parmesan, spaghetti, and zucchini

Snack: BIG frozen yogurt with banana and almonds

What did you eat today? Anything tasty? Any treats?

Meals today

Breakfast: Cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese, turkey bacon, and blueberries, and a soy latte

 Snack: Raisin bran and string cheese

 Lunch: red curry with tofu. DELICIOUS

 Snack: Banana muffin, apple, and string cheese

Dinner: BBQ chicken, corn on the cob, peas

 Snack: the usual :) PB banana, honey sandwich and a tea latte

Wholesome, healthy food. And tasty! I'd call that a success :)

What did YOU eat today?

Meals today

Breakfast: Oatmeal with banana, almonds, toast with cream cheese, cinnamon, and sugar

Snack: Fiber cereal, raisins, string cheese

Lunch: Turkey sub sandwich, carrots, apple slices

Snack: Apple, pretzels, string cheese, almonds

Dinner: Cheesy pasta with asparagus and broccoli

Snack: PB banana sandwich with honey and a tea latte :)

What did you eat today?

Meal plan from today

Breakfast: waffles, veggie sausages, blueberries (I know I should put something on my waffles.... working on it)

Snack: nutrigrain bar, string cheese

Lunch: Egg salad sandwich (made with mustard, I cheated), carrots with hummus, strawberries, and slurpee as my special "challenge" food with my dietician

Snack: apple, string cheese, almonds, and wheat thins

Dinner: Tofu stir fry with brown rice, soy cafe au lait (mmm)

Snack: The usual :) pb banana sandwich and hot coco

Gaining weight

Gaining weight... not something anyone wants to do really. Everyone is trying to LOSE weight. Follow this diet or that diet, cut out "these 5 foods," do these work outs, lose 10 lbs, lose 20 lbs. It's crazy making.
Some of us need to gain weight. Like me. I'm trying to gain weight right now, and it's harder than it seems. You have to eat A LOT to gain weight. To be exact, to gain a pound, you have to eat 3500 calories more than your RMR, resting metabolic rate.
You may be thinking "Just eat! Everything you want!" For me it's not that simple - every bite of food is hard, and anything extra is even harder. Mentally, logically, I know how to gain weight. Emotionally, gaining weight is really hard.
But if you're trying to gain weight, here are some tips!

- Eat 5-6 times a day. I eat 6 times a day; three meals, three snacks. Eat throughout the day, eat healthy, hearty snacks between your meals. For me it's easier to do 6 smaller meals instead of three really big meals. I don't feel as uncomfortable.

- Choose full fat, full calorie products. No "light" or "nonfat" foods! Full fat cheese, yogurt, milk

- Choose high calorie, dense, nutritious foods! Avocado, nuts and nut butters, dried fruit, cheese

- Cook with healthy fats! Olive oil, coconut oil, canola oil

- Add condiments, toppings, and spreads. Butter, salad dressing, cheese, ketchup, mayo, nuts and dried fruit in oatmeal, syrup or jelly on pancakes and waffles, cream and sugar in coffee

- Have caloric drinks with your meals. Juice, milk, gatorade, smoothies, milkshakes, supplements like ensure plus or boost

- Have dessert! Try to choose foods that are high in nutrients, but also enjoy full fat ice cream, cakes, cookies, pastries, muffins, brownies, frozen yogurt with lots of toppings... have fun!

Listen to your body... if you feel hungry, eat! I am working on just this. Listening to my body. I get scared of hunger, but really it can only help me right now!

Keep fighting friends!!

What I ate today

Today has been a successful, although uncomfortable, day.
I've eaten all good, healthy foods, good for my body. Nothing to be ashamed of (although I'm feeling pretty ashamed).

Breakfast: Greek yogurt with berries and almonds, bran muffin, coffee with soy milk

Snack: Bran flakes, half banana, string cheese

Lunch: Turkey and cheese sandwich, carrots, nutrigrain bar

Snack: Honey pretzels, apple, string cheese

Dinner: Turkey burger and zuchinni

Snack: Peanut butter banana sandwich (yum) and apple cinnamon tea

Fought through dinner

It was hard but I fought through dinner and made it through behavior free! I don't know if it feels good but I'm certainly proud of myself. Just have to get through snack now... And I'm done for the day. I'll wake up feeling light and refreshed and ready to start another day.
Here's what I ate today!

Breakfast: home made French toast, veggie sausage and fruit salad


Snack: bran flakes, fruit salad, string cheese




Lunch: grilled cheese and tomato soup and a nectarine

Snack: frappucino! Yum!




Dinner: spaghetti and turkey meatballs and lots of broccoli

Snack: oatmeal with soy milk, almond butter and banana

Healthy, balanced, wholesome foods. I think I can feel good about that.

Until tomorrow!

Day one on the right track

Well it's day one of being in "healthy mode" of taking care of my body. And except for a little blip in the morning, it's been a successful day. Feeling pretty uncomfortable but determined to end the day strong.
Eating has been really really hard. After lunch I had a panic attack and kind of fell apart, but curled up on the couch and fell asleep and woke up feeling a bit better. I am powering through, no matter how hard it is. No hospital for us!!
Here's what I ate today. It's a bit overwhelming to look at, but it's what I need right now.

Breakfast: Oatmeal, sun butter, almonds, raisins, soy milk

Snack: Bran flakes, string cheese, raisins

Lunch: Pita pizza with peppers and turkey, pretzels, juice, spinach salad

Snack: Graham crackers, soy tea latte, raisins, almonds

Dinner: Fettucine Alfredo with chicken and peas

Snack: PB banana sandwich and hot coco :)

So it's a lot of food - but I'm trying to tell myself it's yummy and good for the body.
Trying to stay positive!!!
Everyone out there who's fighting, don't give up!!

My meal plan

Hi.

I've been in treatment many times for my eating disorder, and every program I've been to has a slightly different way of handling the food situation. The first program I really went to used the calorie system, where basically I counted out every single calorie each day, down to a T. Every detail. If we were missing 5 calories, we would replace it with a pretzel or cracker. Pretty obsessive right? Yeah. 

Other programs and hospitals use the diabetic exchange system, and that's what I'm using now. It consists of 6 food groups - Starches, protein, vegetables, fruits, milk, and fats. You have a certain number of exchanges that need to be eaten throughout the day. It's a little tricky to get the hang of, but after a while you get used to the portion sizes. I still measure out my servings of food  - I'm hoping some day soon I won't have to measure everything! It's a little crazy making. 

My meal plan is pretty large right now. 

14 starches

11 proteins

2-4 veggies

5 fruits

4 milks

8 fats

and yes, it's a lot of food. 

But it's what my body needs right now. Maybe I'll post an example of what I eat on a typical day.