Miserable

 I feel miserable. I feel SO INCREDIBLY UGLY. I am appalled at myself. I am disgusted. Looking down at my body I want to melt down and sob, cry, throw a fit. I am SO ugly. I am HUGE. I am revolting. I am a failure. I really REALLY hope that this bloating goes down soon. I am freaking out.

Thanksgiving was hard. I had to leave and take my PRN anxiety medication to calm down, as I was shaking and crying. Then the meal… I pretty much ate salad and melon. Had a tiny bit of stuffing and a tiny scoop of sweet potato, but other than that I was too afraid to eat anything. The cranberry sauce was really yummy. I filled up on veggie though and did not meet my nutrition requirements for lunch. So now I am drinking an ensure.

I HATE MY BODY. D: Sad, sad, sad, sad face. I am so unhappy. If this bloating doesn't go down I am afraid I will fall back into old behaviors. But I CAN'T go back. I CANNOT go backwards!!! I have three days purge free. I''m bloated as ever, I'm disgusting. But I'm doing the right thing. It feels SO wrong. But I am fighting.

I really hope this feeling will go away. If I keep eating that my body will adjust and stop bloating so much. My stomach and legs are all puffy. I need to keep fighting though.

When will this madness end??? I am in a turmoil. I'm panicking. I'm ashamed.
So frustrating.