How to get through this

I don't know how to get through this rough patch. It seems to be lingering…. and lingering… and making me REALLY frustrated!! I am TIRED of being sick. I want to eat and be healthy and not freak out after meals. I am sneaky. I am a liar. I suck.

Breakfast was not a success. I am having lunch with my dietician today and hopefully that will go well. And we are going out to dinner tonight. Hopefully that will go ok. I am just feeling REALLY fed up with this whole lapse. I am sick of being this way. I want to be healthy again.

I hate my body. I guess part of this little relapse is body-image related. I am very unhappy with my body. The way I look is upsetting to me. I know I'm at a healthy weight but there is part of me that wants to be little again. To disappear. To be fragile… but at the same time, I WANT to be strong and healthy. I don't want to be frail and fragile, I want to be able to walk and run and dance and play with kids and animals.

My motivation is there… I'm just not following through. I KNOW how to get back on track. I just have to do it. I Have to be uncomfortable. I have to be miserable, because the other side is a good place to be. It's these first few days that are hell. But I can do it. I CAN do this.

Ugh I'm so discouraged. I know I can do this… but part of me is doubtful. I can't do this. I CAN do this. I can do this. I know I keep saying I can do this…. because I need to encourage myself.
help.