Rambling

I got out of the hospital this afternoon. Eating at the hospital was really challenging…. very light meals and almost no snacks. I tried my best, did some ensures (regular not plus) and made sure I stayed hydrated. I'll admit… I saw my weight. And I was shocked that the number was about 15 lbs LESS than I had anticipated. I don't know how I feel about this. Confused really. 

When I got home today I planned to have a big snack, but ended up with an apple and some carrots because I was SO hungry and afraid I would end up binging. Drank LOTS of decaf coffee. Dinner was a usual… salmon, rice, and steamed veggies. I didn't have any rice. Carbs have been scary for me lately, I don't know why. And, of course, I am still hungry. I am going to plan out a night snack, but I am so afraid of binging and undoing the good day I've had. I'm drinking sweet decaf coffee right now to try and stave off binge feelings,but I know I'm still hungry and I know I need to eat. I just don't know what's safe. My brain is all jumbled up. I am NOT purging. NOt going to happen. But I don't know what feels safe to eat. It seems like all I feel safe with is fruits and vegetables :( Need to challenge myself I know, but I don't want to fail. I desperately DESPERATELY want to keep myself on track with eating. Foods that felt safe a few weeks ago are scaring me… oatmeal, peanut butter, even high calorie cereals and I don't know why. 

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just feeling really confused and desperate. Part of me just wants to drink ensure all day so I don't have to think about food. But I want to be healthy and normal around food. 

Any words of wisdom? How do I attack "fear" foods (there are lots of them right now) without going overboard, or without having a complete meltdown?

Thanks for reading.