Day of tears

It's been a day of crying... starting around 12 and until 4. Sobbing.
I am feeling out of control... guilty, ashamed, ugly, disgusting, horrible. I put on my new dress this morning and it looks good! I feel comfortable in it, it's really pretty - a cool neckline/straps and a floral design. I was feeling good.

And then I had therapy, and it was hard... we are talking about a lot of tough stuff right now related to my body and abuse and trauma. It set me off, especially when my therapist told me I am getting close to my goal weight. And then I found out that my dietician is leaving on vacation for two weeks! What if I reach my goal weight and she's not here to lower my meal plan??? I talked to her and she assured me I would get weighed at my regular times, and that my doctor will adjust my meal plan accordingly. But I am panicking. On one hand I feel good about my body. I'm stronger, I'm not dizzy, I have energy. On the other hand I am bloated and puffy, my stomach sticks out, my thighs are bigger, my arms are bigger. Everything is bigger. And it does not feel good.

So how will I "self soothe?" All I want to do is restrict and purge. I thought about purging before getting weighed but I resisted. The urge is STRONG though, and I'm afraid of slipping backwards... it would be so easy. Nobody is watching me after meals, I could easily get away with purging. But how would that help me??? It wouldn't.
I have things to look forward to.

I'm really sorry if I keep repeating myself in these posts. I just have to keep telling myself over and over and OVER that this pain and agony will be worth it in the end.... there are good things coming my way if I can just get healthy. So many good things.

Part of me feels that once I am at a healthy weight nobody will care about me anymore. That I won't get the same care and attention, that I will be overlooked. Which is silly, because once I am healthy I can do the hard work that I need to to truly heal. My therapists have told me they won't give up on me, I guess I just have trouble believing them. In previous treatment I've reached a healthy weight and then been booted out of the program. I'm assured that won't happen here, but I can't help but be afraid. I've been sick for so long.... it's scary to think about being healthy. Not being the "sick one" is foreign to me. But being healthy HAS to be better than being sick, right?

I wish someone would assure me that everything is going to be ok.... I just feel so hopeless right now. I want to refuse dinner, but will that get me anywhere? Will that get me into regular housing? NO. Absolutely not. Which is why I will eat dinner. And snack. And move on with my life.
Just have to keep pushing forward. Forward, it's the only way to go.

Destination: HEALTHY