Hard day

Today has been hard emotionally - which is why I haven't written much. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel discouraged. Yesterday, after my slip ups, I felt so guilty and I think that guilt lead me to have another slip up this afternoon. I feel SO guilty and ashamed. I'm worried that my treatment team will see this as a step backwards. I am moving forward, this is just a bump in the road. All I can do is move forward. I can't erase time and not have slipped up. It happened, and now I move on. I am not a failure because of a slip up, it happens. I am human. I am still in recovery, even though I messed up. I will not allow this to make me fall back even further.

One of my new housemates has been really scaring me, and she was taken away in handcuffs today. That was scary, maybe it's affecting my mood. Also I was so excited in the beginning of the week about moving to independent housing, and now I know it won't be for a couple weeks. I saw my parents for lunch yesterday, which went well but is still overwhelming. I guess there's just a lot going on and I turned to old behaviors. It's a bad habit. I need better coping skills.

I'm frustrated because I feel that the staff at the house where I live are very condescending .They treat me like a child, and I am NOT a child. I am an adult. I don't need assistance keeping track of my schedule and doing other mundane adult tasks. It makes me so angry when they treat me like I'm a baby! I feel like an idiot half the time because a) I can't do much myself and b) I am not treated like a capable human being. FRUSTRATING.

So today I've been listening to music, coloring, and trying to distract myself as much as possible. We went to see a movie, Maleficent, which was good. And I hung out with some peers. That was nice. I've had some scary thoughts today about my overdose a few months ago, and my wish that I didn't have to be alive still... but I won't allow those thoughts to take over. They pop up, I acknowledge them, and I move on. I keep saying this, but it really is important to pick yourself up and move on. Self soothe. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself.
Moving forward.