Night snack

I used to dread night snack. By the end of the day I am just so full and uncomfortable. But lately I've been looking forward to my bed time snack as I've made it things that taste really good.

Tonight I'm doing my favorite of the moment... Almond butter banana toast and a tea latte. It's really yummy.

Feeling insecure about my body tonight. Feel swollen and kind of puffy. I know it's the end of the day, though, and I will wake up light and refreshed in the morning. It's been three whole days without one behavior and it feels good :) I have energy; I feel like myself. I'm still obsessive about my food, I am trying NOT to count calories, but I'm getting everything in AND keeping everything down and that's a huge success.

Had a family session with my parents today and it went well. We are getting along for the first time ever... Seriously the first time ever, and it feels amazing. I feel loved and cared for and not judged or hated. I'm making my way out of the "identified patient" role and entering into healthy adulthood, with an adult to parent relationship with my family. I feel ready. It's time. My parents missed most of my teen years and they can't make those years come back, but we are repairing things now. I wish someone had stepped in and saved our family when I was 16. It didn't happen. But we still have time to cultivate a positive relationship and it's happening.

Next week we will be talking about my eating disorder, why it started, when it started, and why it's persisted for so long: I'm nervous because it's very personal and a lot of my reasons are embarrassing and I've kept secret for so long. But I don't need to be ashamed... It's hard because I feel so much guilt and shame... But honesty may set me free, who knows? It will be scary being open with my parents about some of my deepest darkest secrets, but maybe it will be better if they are out in the open. I got sick for a reason. And maybe I don't have to feel so alone anymore.