In about 30 minutes I will be weighed by my dietician. This always makes me nervous and kind of a mess, as NO matter what I am unhappy with the results. I'm sad if my weight is down, devastated (sometimes) when my weight is up, and just unsatisfied when it's the same.
I'll admit... I've been cutting corners the past week. Especially this weekend. Cutting out mostly fats but also starches and proteins. I know I need to be eating everything on my meal plan, but something inside me is still fighting against being healthy. And it's REALLY frustrating! Like with the brownies last night I was determined to eat one, and the time came around and I just couldn't bring myself to eat the treat. I walked a few miles yesterday at a fast pace, and did not make up for it with extra food, when i know I should have... I'm only supposed to walk 30 minutes 5 times a week and it's been much more than that, more like an hour a day especially over the weekend.
I'm in this stage of kind of being recovery and then also not fully plunged into the recovery process. I am still holding back somewhat, and I don't know why. With all my heart I want to be healthy... it's just my mind that gets in the way. All I want is to be able to make brownies and eat them, enjoy one or two. I want to walk because it feels good and not to burn off what I've eaten. I want to not worry about what I weigh, and be ok no matter what, and adjust my eating accordingly. I want to be able to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and not measure everything out obsessively. I want freedom. I'm just not there yet.
What do I need to do to fully immerse myself in recovery? Is it possible to really be recovered or will these thoughts always kind of lurk in the back of my mind? How long will it take? A month, a year, ten years?? So many questions and no answers.
I will be weighed and that number does NOT define me. No matter what the scale says I am a good person who deserves to be happy.
Your weight does NOT define you.
Stay strong.
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