Tonight has not been so nice. I thought I was ok. But my housemate (who is really struggling right now and is very angry) was glaring at me, and it freaked me out. I started to panic and cough, couldn't breathe.... not a pretty scene. We had dinner, which was challenging already, and I thought I felt ok, but another part, Alison (14) took over. She is deep in the throws of the eating disorder and not very pro-recovery. We walked to the grocery store and in a blurr we were buying a pint of Ben and Jerry's and then donuts, and then fizzy water, and in the bathroom devouring everything. So much shame.
What was eaten did not stay down. This is a huge step backwards for me. I have been doing so well not purging. I am very disappointed in myself. I want to come clean about what happened, but I'm afraid there will be consequences. I am just so frustrated. I had been doing so well.
I guess this incident could bring me backwards into full blown relapse, or it can be a learning experience for me to grow on and then move forward. I choose to move forward. I binged for a few reasons... stress, anxiety, and the possibility that maybe I was still hungry? I need to keep working on my body's hunger cues. Maybe if I'd just had a square of chocolate I would have felt ok. Now I am just panicking wondering if I was able to get up all the junk food I'd eaten. My stomach feels grumbly, my head is spinning.
But I refuse to sink. I will eat all my night snack, and think about adding an ensure plus to make up for what I lost.
Trying to keep going.
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