Being comfortable in your body

SO incredibly uncomfortable in my body right now. Not one item of clothing looks right, my clothes just DON'T look right. They are tight and fitting, my stomach is sticking out, my legs are getting rounder, my face is getting chubbier.... all a part of recovery just so uncomfortable. Gaining weight is the worst part of recovery, and I've always fought to stay at a weight that is just barely enough to be healthy. I cognitively know that to get truly healthy I need to weigh a bit more, have some cushion, in case I relapse or get sick or something like that. In that case it would be good to have on some extra weight so that I don't plummet into sickness like I have in the past. When I start purging I lose weight very quickly, so I need to have that extra cushion.
But it sucks.
A lot.

I spend each morning trying on clothes. There is no mirror in my room, so I jump back and forth between my room and the bathroom and the window outside. Body checking like crazy. I have stopped body checking with my hands as it is unhelpful and makes me feel worse. I am doing everything I can to keep myself from going absolutely crazy... but I don't feel right. I feel off. I feel wrong. I feel like I am doing something bad. I feel ugly. I feel like I don't deserve to eat what I'm eating.... why should I feed a fat body? My body is not fat, it just feels that way. And fat is not a feeling.

So how can we feel better about our bodies?? I can't hate my body forever. It will make me miserable and unhappy for the rest of my life.

Here are some ways to boost body self esteem from Greta Gleissner:

1.) Acknowledge and Identify: When I notice that "I feel fat" feeling, the first thing I do is recognize that I am having the feeling. The second thing I realize is that fat is NOT a feeling. The phrase is actually a thought. Furthermore, "feeling" fat is often easier than feeling angry, hurt, lonely, etc. That leads me to wonder in what way my emotions may be making me feel emotionally full or fat. I try to first identify what is going on for me emotionally.

2.) Choose: I remind myself that when my negative voice tries to disrupt my happiness with intrusive body image thoughts, I have a choice in how I respond to those thoughts. I can choose to listen to the thoughts and fuel self-hatred, or I can choose to change the thoughts and reinforce self-love.

3.) Make a Decision: After I recognize I have a choice not to feel badly about my body, I decide to do something different. Sometimes a decision is all it takes. No one is forcing you to hate your body, so make the decision not to.

4.) Shift the Focus: After I choose NOT to listen to negative body image thoughts and make a decision not to dwell on it, my next move is to shift my focus onto something else. Think about it: The more you focus on something like fear or a body part, the larger it becomes.

5.) Support: When body image issues arise, the last thing you probably want to do is be around others. I have found that surrounding myself with positive people in my life actually help because it gets me out of myself. Feeling connected with others can actually help squash some of the perfectionism and criticism tied to body dissatisfaction.

6.) Appreciate: Instead of focusing on how your body looks from the outside, think of all of the wonderful attributes and strengths your body has from the inside. Make a gratitude list of all the things you appreciate about your body.

7.) Redefine: Create a new definition of beauty. If your body dissatisfaction is driven by the feeling of an inability to measure up to rigid societal standards, then think about how you can offer yourself more flexibility around your personal definition of beauty.

8.) Stop Comparing: The more we compare, the more we feel despair. When we compare, especially when experiencing body dissatisfaction, we are going to see all the positives in someone else and negatives in ourselves. Comparisons are not usually helpful, even if we are in the best of mental states.

9.) Have Compassion: In moments when body image issues come up, I am usually feeling critical in some way about myself. If I dig deep, most of the time I realize it is not about my body. My body is just the go-to negative coping mechanism I utilize in the moment. What I need most when I am feeling and focusing negatively about my body or myself is to treat myself with kindness. Beating myself up will not help me, but doing something nice for myself that pertains to self-care will. If you must focus on a body part, do it with compassion and get a manicure and pedicure!

10.) Gain Acceptance: Finally, accept your body in this moment. Imagine how different your life can be in this very moment if you stop trying to berate, change or control your body and instead allow yourself to accept your body for what it is. When we accept, we let go of the struggle.

If you notice, each of the ten tools begins with an action word. Taking action is the "how" of change. We all have the ability, when we are ready, to take action. Don't put it off any longer. Get into action and you can feel better about your body in an instant!

20 Ways to Love Your Body

Compiled By: Margo Maine, PhD

1. Think of your body as the vehicle to your dreams.  Honor it.  Respect it.  Fuel it.
2. Create a list of all the things your body lets you do.  Read it and add to it often.
3. Become aware of what your body can do each day.  Remember it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.
4. Create a list of people you admire:  people who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world.  Consider whether their appearance was important to their success and accomplishments. 
5. Walk with your head held high, supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person.
6. Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from activities that you enjoy.
7. Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body.
8. Count your blessings, not your blemishes.
9. Think about all the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently spend worrying about your body and appearance.  Try one!
10. Be your body’s friend and supporter, not its enemy. 
11. Consider this:  your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks, and your skeleton every three months.  Your body is extraordinary—begin to respect and appreciate it.
12. Every morning when you wake up, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.
13. Every evening when you go to bed, tell your body how much you appreciate what it has allowed you to do throughout the day.
14. Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good.  Exercise for the Three F’s: Fun, Fitness, and Friendship.
15. Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body.  Loving your body means you get to feel like that again, even in this body, at this age.
16. Keep a list of 10 positive things about yourself—without mentioning your appearance.  Add to it daily!
17. Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, “I’m beautiful inside and out.”
18. Search for the beauty in the world and in yourself.
19. Consider that, “Life is too short to waste my time hating my body this way.”
20. Eat when you are hungry.  Rest when you are tired.  Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty.