Failings

Today I'm just not myself... Crazy urges and some behaviors which I'm really ashamed of. It's been a hard week and I'm finding myself dreading tomorrow.... School, weigh in, groups... I want to escape it all. I have a big project that I'm not allowed to work on because it's pretty triggering but I am panicking about getting it done. The project isn't due until the 7th of October so I have time. But I'm still worried.

I have a pattern of restricting on days where I get weighed... I eat as light as possible because I'm afraid it will affect my weight. But you know what?? That's silly. Really silly. Tomorrow I'm going to drink my coffee and eat what I need. I won't restrict and feel starving just to weigh a little less. So stupid. 

My stomach is growling. The cookies I made this morning sound amazing. But I'm not allowed. The voices in my head are calling me a cow, I don't deserve those cookies. Only good people deserve cookies... Again this is silly. I don't deprive my babies of food and treats. They deserve nourishment no matter what. I wouldn't hold back food from one of the kitties I work with. Even if they hiss and growl they deserve food and treats. I don't deprive anyone else.... Why should I deprive myself?? I'm sitting in Starbucks and the huge counter of treats is calling to me... Cake, muffins, cookies..: look so good. But I don't think I can do that right now :( I'm pretty out of sorts. Just one of those days.

I will eat dinner. I think we are having salmon and pasta and vegetables. It's healthy and nourishment for my body. And then I will have my snack. And if I still feel this gnawing hunger I will eat more or have an ensure plus because I need it. This will pass. I will be ok. Right now I just feel sucky.

I'm not giving up. I can do this. Hoping the day gets better.