Meltdown

I'm a mess. Just saw my dietician and I cried pretty much the whole session. I HATE my body. I am certain that my dietician has pushed my weight to a number that is higher than what she initially told me. She won't give me any answers to my questions. Part of me wants to know what my weight is SO badly. I just want to know. I want the control. The other part of me does NOT want to know. Sometimes I'm ok with my body and knowing my weight could just send me over the edge. I feel so silly crying over a stupid number. But it makes me so so upset. I feel like a blimp. I'm so uncomfortable,  I want to crawl out of my skin. Ugh. I hate this feeling.

Today I ate ice cream with my dietician, and I cried through the whole bowl. It tasted good I'll admit. But I don't feel like I deserve ice cream .which is silly because any little girl who said she didn't deserve ice cream - i would tell her immediately that she did. Why don't I deserve ice cream? I don't know. Again, I feel so so silly. Crying over dessert. Some day I will enjoy my dessert and NOT cry over it.

These feelings are so strong… these thoughts are overpowering…I don't deserve to eat, I'm hideous, I'm vile, I'm ugly, I'm worthless… just over and over in my head I hear the evil thoughts. That I'm just never going to feel better.

But some day I WILL feel better. I will learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and I will learn to be ok.
Some day i will be ok.