Sick is not beautiful

Today as I was getting out of class I ran into a girl... She was so painfully thin that you could see through her. I wanted to cry looking at her. I felt so sad. And the worst part is for a second I got really jealous. I though to myself "I want to look like that." What?????? Wait a minute!! This girl is sick. And I am healthy. She is probably struggling so badly. Every bone in her body showed. I'm so saddened just looking at her because I've been there. 

I have thought at times in my life that skinny is beautiful. That bones are beautiful. I was really really sick at those points. I was clouded by malnutrition and depression. I thought the thinner I got the better I would feel. Boy was I wrong. The thinner and sicker I got the worse I felt. I was miserable. I couldn't feel my emotions. I couldn't lay down comfortably because I was so thin. I hated the world and wanted to die. I thought if my weight was low enough id be happy. I was wrong again. Being thin never made me happy.

For a few minutes after seeing this girl I felt shell shocked: I looked at my reflecti m in the mirror and felt absolutely disgusted. But then I thought again. I am grateful for my healthy body. It allows me to walk and run and jump and sing. Because I am at a healthy weight I am able to go to school and I have more independence. This girl is in school... But not for long I don't think. She won't survive in school in the state she's in :( so so sad.

Part of me wishes I could go back to being sick. To feel in control of my body. But the rest of me knows how ridiculous that is. I thought about throwing away my snack. But I thought twice and ate it all. I am stronger than my Eating disorder. I will not let it bring me down.