This morning I was certain I couldn't handle being in my body. i wanted to crawl out of my skin, escape, get out!!! But I had a therapy session and talked about my struggles and now I'm feeling better. I looked in the mirror when I got home and wasn't feeling as horrified as I was in the morning. It feels strange. One moment despising my body, the next being ok. The good thing is I'm ok. I'm still really really uncomfortable. But I'm going to be ok.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm ok with what I see. I see me, Abbi, bigger and rounder, but it's me. Sometimes I see a hideous balloon. Sometimes I see me. I don't know what to think… am I too big? Am I really as horrifying to look as as I believe? I don't want to ask people in my life what they think about how I look because I don't want to seem shallow. But I kind of want to know… what to other people see when they look at me? Are they appalled by what they see? Are they disgusted like I am? It's a terrible feeling, hating your body. It feels truly terrible .
Going to school tonight to talk about kids because kids make me happy. They don't care if I'm thin or fat or pretty or ugly, they just like me for me. they want attention and love and I can give them that. Cats and kids keep me sane.
Hope your day is going well.
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