As I've explained before I had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) which means that I have multiple. personalities. My personalities range from 2 - 21. They are part of me. I have gotten used to having them around. Things have been happening with my system though... big things. Parts integrating and growing up and switching. It's really confusing and kind of scary. I'll try to explain.
Polly, who was 7, was my protector part. She took care of my younger parts inside and came out pretty often when i was afraid or stressed or tired. She took over a lot and I let her because I was too weak to handle situations on my own. Well I took over and told Polly she didn't have to have so much responsibility. She's a little girl and I'm an adult and it's my job to protect the body. At first Polly was resistant. But then she got the picture.... now Polly and I nave integrated. She is no longer a separate part, she is part of me. I feel her, but we work together as one personality. It's scary and kind of sad. I miss having her. But we needed to integrate to protect the body and that's what we did. Polly is one with me. I'm sorry if this is confusing. I'm explaining in the only way I know how.
Now I have other parts coming out to protect me. One is Charlotte. She is 16-17 years old and has been very dangerous in the past. She took the overdose that almost killed me in January. But she has really turned things around. She is no longer suicidal and comes out to take care of things when she needs to. I trust her now and am not afraid that she will harm our body.
Alison, who is 14, has been pretty quiet since we started doing better with eating. She holds a lot of the eating disorder and now that we are eating it's really hard for her. I'm proud of her for doing a well as she is. She isn't coming out and sneaking around and purging, which is what she was doing before. She is doing a really good job.
Then there's Rosie, who has come out quite a bit this week. Rosie is 5, she used to be 4.... and she is very little and vulnerable. She comes out when I feel shame because I feel that she is more likable than I am. She is sweet and quiet... all the things I tried to be growing up. I guess part of me feels that when Rosie comes out people will see me as sweet and innocent again... I don't know. It's really confusing. I'm confused by all of it.
I have other parts. They don't come out much. But they are a part of me and I am grateful that I have them. They helped me to survive. I am here today because of my parts.
Today I am spending time with my parents. Should be nice... lunch, bike riding by the beach, maybe a trip to trader joes for some food ideas. I'm hanging in there.
Have a great Saturday!
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