Recovery

This afternoon I found myself planning a relapse... Only drink coffee for breakfast, skip lunch, skimp on dinner... And it would be easy. I could easily stop eating and nobody would know. I could drop x pounds in a couple weeks and feel better. But that's the thing... Would I really feel better? The answer is no. I would not feel better. Weight loss could temporarily make me feel more presentable but relapse comes with serious consequences.

I am in school doing well, Learning, reading, and really enjoying the experience. If I stop eating and end up in the hospital I will not be able to stay in school. I will once again end up dropping my classes and that would be an enormous disappointment. I want school.

I would lose freedoms. If I relapsed I would probably end up back in residential treatment and have no space to be independent. I won't be able to walk places or walk at all of that matter. I will be back in a life where my whole life is consumed by treatment and being sick.9i do not want that. 

So I weigh a little more. But In return and as a result good things are happening. For the first time in years I am thriving and living. I am a student, soon hopefully I will be able to drive again, I am in independent housing, I'm repairing ties with my family. There is too much good to turn back now. Do I want to go the easy way or the hard way?  To be honest I don't know which way is hard and which is easy. Relapse is easy but requires lots of sneaking around and lots of work. Recovery is just plain hard and painful. But I'm told it's worth it in the end. Recovery is worth it in the end.

I am still fighting. I won't go down because of a number. I am strong. Let the meltdowns continue.