One fear at a time

Being in recovery is hard. It is not easy. In ways it is easier to be sick and do things the old way than it is to do what is healthy. It's scary, every day facing all your biggest fears. And it's not just once a day. I have to face my fears six times a day, every time I eat. And then face my fears again AFTER I've eaten. The fear of eating. The fear of keeping food down. The fear that I haven't walked enough, that I'v'e eaten too much, that I've eaten too little… so many fears throughout the day. So many times I have to challenge myself. If you're an alcoholic it's hard I imagine, REALLY hard. But you can avoid alcohol. You don't have to face it six times a day. You don't have to sit in front of your fear constantly. Recovery is so so hard. 

Sometimes I think I can't do it. I mess up and purge, or binge, or restrict for a day. I think "this is surely the day that will undo me." And in the past one slip up could completely unravel all the work I'd done. But now, I make mistakes, and I move forward. I'm sitting right now drinking an ensure plus. Do I want to drink ensure? No. But I do it because it's nutrition and I need nutrition. I hope in the future I never need to drink ensures again. But for now it is helpful to have a few around for tough days. 

Recovery is hard. But it's worth it. I don't want to be sick my whole life. I want to be strong and healthy I'm getting there. One fear at a time.