What is ugly anyway?

Today I put on a bathing suit for the first time in a while... And boy was I shocked. My first response was that I wanted to cry and then cut my stomach off. My legs are too big, my tummy puffs out... Total disaster. I started to cry. My mother asked what was wrong, and eventually I was able to tell her that I felt ugly. So ugly. Beyond ugly... Vile, horrified, disgusted, sad. The tears rolled down my face. I felt anger toward my treatment team, anger toward myself... And so much sadness. I am an ugly girl. 

But really, what does ugly mean? Ugly: unpleasant or repulsive especially in appearance. Am I ugly? Maybe. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe not. I am kind and caring. I'm a good friend. Maybe the people who know me can look past my ugliness and just care about me for who I am. Because really, my friends aren't my friends based on their appearance. I care about my friends because I care not because of their looks. 

So what if I am ugly. I'll learn to live with it. Some days I feel less ugly than other days. I will grasp onto those days, or even those moments, where I feel ok and remember that the ugly feelings will dissipate a bit. Maybe there is hope. Maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I may be ugly. And I may be able to live with that. Being thin or beautiful or attractive is relative, and not of the upmost importance. I will survive ugly or not. I care about ugly animals. Maybe people can see who I truly am. I'm not all bad, at least I don't think. I mean, beauty comes from within right?

We are beautiful on the inside, as cliche as it sounds. And that's what matters most in the end.

Muddling through.