Today there was big barbecue at one of the other houses at Hanbleceya (the treatment program I'm in). There were burgers and hot dogs and brats and TONS of food. I have a lot of trouble with these events. First of all there are lots of people, eating, swimming, socializing and that is a little anxiety provoking. I don't quite know where I fit in... who to talk to, where to sit, what to do. It's just a little uncomfortable. And then there's the food. Today alone there were all the burgers and hot dogs plus salads, plus pasta salad, plus egg salad, plus fruit salad, plus corn, plus mashed potatoes... and then an entire table of desserts. One side of me says "you can't have anything." The other side says "eat everything." And I don't know what to do. So I stick to the same boring foods.... a veggie burger and then fruit salad and LOTS of veggies to fill myself up.
It makes me sad that I can't fully enjoy food yet. Everyone was enjoying fun fruity sodas but I didn't have a soda because there were no diet ones and I didn't want to have extra calories in soda form. Everyone was eating dessert... a delicious looking apple cobbler, pudding cool whip cake, brownies, and I made oatmeal raisin cookies which everyone seemed to love! (They disappeared). But did I have anything for dessert? Even my own cookies?? No :( I couldn't do it. I was afraid that I'd take a bite and wouldn't be able to stop. That no body would be watching to make sure I didn't shove my chipmunk cheeks full and then have issues afterward. I didn't have dessert. Some day I will have dessert. I will have my dessert and enjoy it and not just be jealous of all the other people around me who feel good about treating themselves to sweets. I'm working on it.
Tonight I am going to go for a walk with a peer, which should be nice. I love walking. It makes me happy, and I will admit it makes me feel ok about eating. As long as my energy level is high I'm ok with the food I'm eating. I have been so good! Today after the BBQ I knew I hadn't eaten enough (and I'd forgotten about my snack) so I ate my snack. I have made big steps. Big progress. I'm nowhere near 100% yet, but I am getting there. I will be free some day.
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