Want to give up

Just had my session with my dietician. Meal plan is staying the same. I think I've gained weight. I should be happy right? I'm not. I feel miserable. I feel huge. I feel enormous. I feel really really ugly. And it doesn't feel good at all. I feel like a whale! I don't know if I'm seeing things wrong... I mean I know all my clothes still fit me well. I haven't outgrown my clothes and that's a sure sign that I haven't gained too much right? My clothes still fit. Sigh of relief.

I will NEVER be happy with my weight. The lower my weight it, the unhappier and crazier I am. The higher my weight the unhappier and crazy I am. Either way I am miserable... so I will just have to learn to deal with my body. Learn to accept my curves, learn to accept my face and legs and stomach and arms. I have to wait out this uncomfortable feeling. I want to crawl out of my skin. But the longer I fight through the uncomfortable feeling that easier it will get (or so I hear). I have to wait it out.

Part of me wants to give up. To just go purge right now, throw away all the work I've done these past few months. I know if I stopped eating nobody would know. I could lose weight really quickly if I really wanted to. But where will that get me? Back in the hospital and back in the residential house. I DO  NOT want to move backwards. I want to move forward. I am in school, volunteering, and planning to visit my grandma and friend in New Orleans in December. I want to turn 22 healthy. I want to be healthy and strong, not sick and weak. I don't care about being skinny or looking like a child. It's time for me to grow up and be strong. That's what I've been doing and that's what I'll keep thinking.

I will prove everyone wrong. everyone who thinks I'm not going to make it, screw them!! I am going to make it! I will fight and fight and FIGHT until I am on the other side of this. And then I will KEEP fighting. I have a future. I am a fighter. Good things will start happening if only I can keep myself together, and I will. I am a FIGHTER. No number is going to bring me down. No way no way.
Powering onward!!