Therapy

Today in therapy I completely, totally, utterly fell apart. I was a sobbing, miserable mess. I felt bad for my therapist haha. she was very sweet and came to sit next to me to try and comfort me, and that was nice but I felt so awful. I cried and sobbed and made a fool out of myself.

Basically this is what's going on. There's a new client. This is not a problem. I'm sure she is a very nice lady. But last night the staff member I was with told me ALL about this new client. She's possibly schizophrenic and very quiet. She's extremely thin, and I learned she is vegan and gluten free… so what does she eat??? Basically nothing. they are looking to see if she has an eating disorder. She claims to have DID. She is afraid of men… basically sounds just like me.

Well I lost it. I had this automatic gut feeling that because this new client is here I am not going to matter anymore. That my problems, which are diminishing, make me somehow "unwanted" and "Unloved." One of my therapists will be working with this new lady. I felt for some reason that if this new client has an eating disorder and parts, my problems (which are the same) will seem insignificant and I will fall by the wayside. This is silly to think. I know my therapist will continue to care about me.. but I feel so lost and hopeless. A HUGE part of me is saying that I need to stop eating again. That I want the negative attention. That I WANT to be sick so people will notice me and take care of me. But there's a part of me that makes sense. I am healthy, I am strong, I am independent… I am happy a lot of the time, and I AM cared about. I don't need to be sick to be cared about. I don't. I just don't.

You don't need to be sick to be loved and cared about. You can be healthy and get POSITIVE attention from people who care about you. You can be strong. You can keep fighting, even when you've been completely triggered. We are stronger than that.
Keep fighting. Keep kicking. And EMBRACE your healthy self!