Meltdown

Tonight we had a meltdown. I say "we" because it was another one of my parts (personalities) who had the meltdown.

There is a new client at our program who is very very thin and claims to have DID like us. We became very irrational after hearing this news... Our fear was that we are not thin and not sick enough to deserve care and attention from our therapists. We wanted, for a brief moment, to look like this woman. Silly right? I think yes.

I am strong. I am healthy. I am independent. I can walk and run and skip and jump. I can eat without purging and falling apart. I am trusted to be on my own. I am not sick. I am healthy. And that is a GOOD thing!!! Healthy is a GOOD. Being healthy does not mean I am unloved or unwanted. I am loved even as a healthy young woman.:: in fact I think I am loved even more because I'm healthy. People can care about me without worrying that I'm going to collapse or just die. I am alive. And I want to be alive.

An enormous part of me wanted to skip dinner tonight, and I'll admit we didn't eat quite the amount we needed to. But we did eat. And tonight we will have a snack and move forward. I am strong. I am healthy. Healthy = happy and I want to be happy.

I am not letting a meltdown bring me down. I am stronger than that. I am a warrior, I am brave. I am still fighting.