I am feeling swamped by the information I got last week about another client. She is very thin and very sick and every time I see her I feel like I want to cry. I feel so sad and worried for her and I am getting really overwhelmed. I want to help her, I want her to get better, but I also want her to leave. I don;t want to look at her. I don't want to be reminded of the times I looked like that. She is so thin that she has lanugo covering her arms. It scares me.
The green monster of envy has popped up too. I want to look like that sometimes. I want people to look at me and KNOW That I am hurting. To know I need help. That I'm struggling. That I want love. But at the same time I don't want people staring at my body and getting attention for my body. I look much more "normal" now and I guess that's a good thing. Less attention on my body. More attention on my accomplishments.
I am moving forward. Eating without measuring. Eating normally. I have made huge progress. I do NOT want to throw all the work I"ve done out the window by not eating or by purging. Never again am I going back. I am NEVER going back to being sick. No matter how much I want to look like a 12 year old girl sometimes I do not need to get sick to be loved. I am loved when I am healthy. And What I want is love.
Trying to stay motivated.
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