rambling

My grandma made a comment yesterday. She said “You’re not skinny anymore.” At first that comment really stung. It hurt. But I thought about it. I’m not skinny anymore. I’m strong and healthy and happy for the most part. When I was skinny what else was I? A shell of the person that I am. Skinny but miserable. Skinny but lost. Skinny but nothing else.

Now I am healthy and healthy is wonderful! I can walk and run and dance. I think about things OTHER than food. I enjoy waking up in the morning, I love my walks throughout the day, I look forward to my oatmeal at the end of the day. I wake up happy to be alive. I’m not skinny. I’m much more than being skinny. I’m alive.

People will make hurtful comments. But my grandma didn’t say that to make me upset. She said It because I WAS too thin and I WAS unhealthy. I was a size 0. But I was sickly. I was skin and bones. I was unhappy. I sucked the life out of everyone. Now I contribute to the world. I bring people joy instead of draining it out of them. I am living and I am a positive ray of energy.

So I’m not skinny anymore. SO WHAT??? Because really where did skinny get me? NOWHERE.

I found out today on Facebook that one of the horrible treatment centers I went to shut down. That program, Pacific Shores Hospital, left me sicker than ever before. I lost weight, I was tube fed… I was a mess. It is such a relief that they will no longer be mistreating more clients. It was a truly horrible place and I am SO glad it has shut down.

On my way home. It was a good trip, but I am VERY happy to be headed back to San Diego. It’s nice having somewhere to call home… somewhere I am actually happy to return to. I want my bed and my rats and my kitchen. I am going home.

Things are good. I’m very grateful. And I will be back in NOLA in June for my friend’s wedding. All good things. Slowly but surely things are falling into place. Baby steps.

Ready to go home

After a week it's official.. I am ready to go home! I had a nice time with my grandma but I am looking forward to having my own bed and my own kitchen and my own food. Overall it has been a good trip. I didn't have to eat nasty food or go through closets of clothes. I didn't have to eat things I didn't want. I got beignets and coffee and got to see my best friend. LOTS of good things to remember. But I will be very glad to get home.

I was thinking today about my blog. It seems silly sometimes to write about my life and I've been thinking about deleting it. I'll keep thinking.

Dinner is broccoli and carrots, and a veggie burger with avocado. Yummy.

Until later.

Slipping into old patterns

I've noticed that the past few days I've fallen into some old patterns, and I am not happy about it. The problem is I'm not eating enough to feel satisfied which leads to behaviors. Ugh. other than that I'm having a great trip! I love spending time with my grandma, yesterday with my friend was awesome. I am really enjoying myself.

Sorry I haven't written much. Just having lots of fun. And nobody really reads this blog so it's ok.

Hope you're all well!

Great day!!

Today was a lovely day. I spent the day with my best friend and it was SO nice to see her after a year and half. She is getting married in June so the first thing we did was taste wedding cakes! And then we had breakfast and hung out all day. It was really a nice day.

My friend is engaged and she has a new step daughter. It's complicated and I worry for her. But I know she will take care of herself. I worry that she is taking on too much. But she's strong.

I had a great day of eating and I feel good.
Not much else to report.

My day

Today has been a good day. I am exhausted but it was really nice! Woke up early and had coffee and breakfast, took a nap :) and then I got dressed and my grandma and I took the dogs out, and then went to the French quarter!! It was only 39 degrees today. BURRR. It was freezing cold. But we went out, took the ferry across the river, and went to the quarter. It was pretty quiet, which was nice. And guess what?? I ATE BEIGNETS! Beignets are kind of like a donut… just fried dough with lots of powdered sugar on top. They were hot and absolutely delicious, and had a cafe au lait on the side. Yum :) I can't believe I ate them and it felt good! normal eating is AWESOME. 

Tomorrow morning my best friend is picking me up and we are going to taste wedding cakes (she's getting married in June) and then we will spend the day together. I haven't seen her in over a year, and I get to meet her fiancee and new step daughter to be. I'm a little nervous about seeing her, to be honest, but excited as well. 

Now it's time to sit and relax and warm up!! And have dinner :) 

Happy Day!!

Food thoughts

I'm on vacation and out of my usual routine with food so I have to be flexible. And I'll admit it's hard. I did go grocery shopping to get some basic provisions but in general I'm having to step out of my comfort zone. And that's ok! I am eating. I'm really hungry so probably not eating enough to be honest. I will have my dinner soon and eat what I'm comfortable with. Maybe an omelette and baked potato, that's what I'm thinking. Something yummy and substantial and not my grandmas nasty cooking. Her food is AWFUL!! She made a Turkey breast today. It's overdone. And I don't eat turkey anymore. So I'm trying to avoid it. I'll see how long that lasts.

I know I need to listen to my hunger. I can trust my hunger. But that still scares me sometimes. Am I really hungry or is it my medications? Is it my mind? Is it anxiety? Sometimes I just don't know. But I do know. My stomach is growling and that means I'm hungry. I had a snack... Berries and carrot cake but it probably wasn't enough. I have to probe I can do this on my own... That I can go over my comfort zone. I can do this. Eating is essential. I will eat.

Off to make some dinner! I've already adjusted to the time zone change so it's dinner time! 

Happy eating :)

Ducky!!

Here's my baby :)

Good day!!

Hello from New Orleans! I have fallen in love with my kitty, Ducky, all over again. She is a big, voluptuous purring machine and she is so sweet. I love her so much! My grandma and I are getting along well so far. We are going to see Into the Woods this afternoon.

Food is tricky with my grandma. She gets kind of pushy. But I am sticking to my guns! Oatmeal for breakfast :) And I tried one of her pumpkin breads… really really dry. But I ate some for her sake!

Hope you're having a lovely day!

From the airplane

The last time I was on a plane I was in a much different place than I’m in now. I had flown, just a few weeks before, from New Orleans to Arizona to get treatment for my eating disorder at Rosewood Ranch. I was at a very low weight, I was dissociative and suicidal… I was all over the place. I knew that I would die if I didn’t get into treatment, so I took a plane across the country hoping I’d get the help I needed. Unfortunately, Rosewood Ranch couldn’t help me and my parts. I kept switching to younger alters, and some of my alters who were suicidal tried to harm my body with scissors and cactuses, and I managed to steal a pair of scissors. I ate ok and gained some weight, but I was too unsafe not to be in a locked facility. So the therapist I was working with told me I’d be flying to another program in Los Angeles. I didn’t know what to think, I was so confused and scared.

The last airplane ride was from Rosewood to the program in LA, which turned out to be the worst treatment experience of my life. While I was in that program I lost tons of weight and was put on tube feeding for several weeks. I got sicker than ever before. I was so thin and fragile and was self harming every day. I planned to go back to New Orleans, but my parents made it clear that if I returned to New Orleans I would no longer have their support financially.  I couldn’t work and needed the health insurance, so I went home with my mom. I ended up in the hospital the next day with heart problems, and I was very very sick.

And here I am. At a healthy weight, on my way to visit my grandma and my friend and my kitty. It’s been a REALLY long few years. Weight going up and down, suicide attempts, hospital stays. I’ve been a mess. But I am finally getting better. I’m closer to recovery now than I’ve ever been. I can taste it, I actually believe that some day I can be free from this insanity that is an eating disorder and other mental illness. I am stronger and safer than ever before. I am determined. I am fighting.

I am hoping to have an awesome trip. Food may be tricky with my grandma, as she can be pushy with food and makes TERRIBLE food. Really. It’s not just me. Her cooking is AWFUL. But I will make it work. She said we could go grocery shopping, so we will do that. I am determined to prove I can spend a week on my own and be successful. I can do this.

I’m on my way!!!!

Today is the day!!!

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!! I am getting on a plane to New Orleans. FINALLY!!! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. In 5 hours I will be on an airplane. Yay :)

I could barely sleep last night I was so excited. Part of me wishes I'd caught an early flight to make it even more exciting but afternoon is fine :)

I will have my computer to update about my trip.
Happy Tuesday!!

Good morning!

Good morning and happy Monday. I LEAVE TOMORROW! I can hardly wait!! At this time tomorrow I will be getting ready to get on a plane!! EEK!!!

Today I am seeing my therapist and I have groups. Nothing exciting. I am just crawling out of my skin waiting for tomorrow.

I have been running out of things to write about. If anyone wants to respond and let me know what they'd like to read about, please do comment!!! I feel like I"m wasting time writing right now. I guess I write for myself. But I wish more people would read.

Hope you have a nice monday :)

The end of the night

By the end of the night, I am so uncomfortable with lots of food in my tummy. I've been eating all day and it just feels like everything has piled up inside me. But it's OK! Really!! I know that when I wake up in the morning I will feel refreshed and everything will feel ok again. I am going to have a delicious night snack and enjoy every bite because I deserve it.

I feel that tomorrow will go by SOOO slowly as I am so excited for my trip Tuesday. I hope it isn't a slow day, I hope it flies by! And I hope my trip is LONG so that I can enjoy every minute. I know before I know it the trip will be over. But I'm not thinking about that! I can't wait to get on that plane!!

Hope you have a peaceful night

Hello!

Hello! I realize I haven't written all day. Nobody really reads this blog so it's ok I guess :)

It's been a nice day! My mom picked me up around 11:30 and I went to my parents house for lunch. My mom and I made a veggie frittata, salad, fruit salad, and a nice crusty bread and it was delicious!! It's amazing how enjoyable food can be when you aren't counting calories! Amazing!!! I tasted the food and actually ENJOYED it. The frittata was full of yummy veggies, the bread was delicious and the fruit was super sweet. I enjoyed every taste and had an espresso too. Super tasty and relaxing :)

Then my mom, my sister, and I went to target to return some things. We walked around and I got some things I needed for my trip. I leave in less than two days! I'm all packed (almost) and I'm getting super excited!! I will be posting lots of pictures of my kitty, Ducky. She's my baby and I can't wait to see her. And I am really eager to see my grandma. I miss her.

I hope you all had a lovely day. 

Eating is imperfect

Eating is an imperfect science. I meal planned for so long, five years, that eating was not enjoyable anymore. If I had planned a bagel for breakfast and I really wanted oatmeal, I was out of luck. I followed what I'd written down the night or week before and that was that. But now I have freedom!! Freedom to pick a bagel over oatmeal, or pick eggs instead of another protein. I am free!! Free to eat what I like and what I crave. And that is beautiful.

Eating is not perfect in any way. Some days you will eat more, some days less. Some days you will eat more fat, some days you will eat more carbohydrates… and that's ok! Your body knows how to sort it all out. You will NOT gain weight if you eat a little more than usual, just like you won't lose weight if you eat a little less (Of course you don't want to get into the habit of eating too little). But what I'm trying to say is the body knows how to handle the food .

Today has been a good day. Kitties in the morning and then an auto show with my dad. fun! Now dinner and relaxing tonight :) And tomorrow is Sunday, pajama and packing day!!

I wish I had more to write

I realize that nobody reads my blog. I wish I had more readers but it's ok. I like writing. I write more for myself than anything else. I write for me.

Today I am going to play with kitties and then I am going to an auto show with my dad later. Breakfast is a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese, and Greek yogurt with berries and almonds. Delicious!

I am running out of things to write. My life is boring and I'm sorry about that.
I wish I had more to write

People who want to be sick

I spent some time with a friend today. I met her in eating disorder treatment and I really care about her. The problem is she wants to be the sickest and makes a point of trying to be "sicker" than me: and that makes me really sad :(

I text her to ask how she's doing and I get a long text back about how badly she's Doing. She told me today that she has to text pictures of all her meals to her therapist and dietician. It was time for snack and she said she didn't want to eat. I made her eat anyway! And she did eat but reluctantly.

This friend wants to be the sickest... And she wins because she IS the sickest. I don't want to be sick anymore. She just can't seem to get in a healthy mindset and that is sad. I hope she has a change of heart. I care about her so much and want to keep her in my life but her negativity is really hard to deal with sometimes. Hoping she makes a change:

Healthy is good. Be healthy.

Good day!

Today has been a good day so far. I played with kittens in the morning. I was by myself volunteering as no one else could come in today, but it went fine! Got my kitty time and gave the babies some love. Then a community meeting (boring). And then out for sushi with my housemate. I had a veggie roll and a salad and it was super delicious :) And now I'm going out for coffee with a friend. I'm pretty full but I'll make room for a starbucks drink. This will actually be my second starbucks of the day. Haha. Coffee overload.

Hope you are all having a lovely day!

4 days!!!

Only 4 days until my trip to New Orleans and I CAN'T WAIT!!!! I am so excited!!! To get on a plane and be FREE for a week. AHHHHH I am so excited!!! Counting down the hours until I get on that airplane!!! Seeing my grandma, my kitty cat, my best friend… all so exciting. I've worked so hard to be able to go on this trip and now it's finally happening!

Today I am going to play with kitties at Petco, and then we have a community meeting. Boring day. And then dinner out tonight. At Coco's which I'm sick of. Their veggie burger is ok. But overall a really boring restaurant. Ugh.

Oh well, I'll make the best of it!

Happy Friday!

The most DELICIOUS tofu stir fry!

4.6 from 36reviews

TOFU THAT TASTES GOOD: STIR FRY

PRINT

PREP TIME

15 mins

COOK TIME

45 mins

TOTAL TIME

1 hour

A tofu-veggie stir fry made tasty with a simple technique that gives the tofu perfect texture and flavor. Serve over rice or on its own for a healthy and delicious weeknight meal. Feeds 2-3.

Author: Minimalist Baker

Recipe type: Stir Fry

Cuisine: Vegan, Gluten Free

Serves: 2-3

INGREDIENTS

• For the Stir Fry
• 1 14-ounce package firm or extra firm tofu
• 2 cups roughly chopped green beans
• 1 cup diced carrots or red pepper
• 2 Tbsp toasted sesame oil for sautéing (or sub peanut or coconut)
• For the Sauce
• 1/4 cup low-sodium soy sauce (make sure it’s gluten free if G-Free)
• 1 Tbsp fresh grated ginger
• 2 Tbsp brown sugar
• 1 Tbsp agave, maple syrup (or honey if not vegan)
• 1 Tbsp corn starch

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees and begin drying your tofu. Drain, remove it from the package and place between two thick towels folded into the shape of the tofu. Then place a plate or bowl on top and top it with something heavy like a book or skillet.
2. Let it dry for about 15 minutes, changing your towels if they get too wet. Once dry, chop into roughly 1-inch cubes or rectangles (see photo).
3. Arrange tofu on a baking sheet and bake for a total of 25-35 minutes, flipping once halfway through to ensure even cooking. This will dry out the tofu and help give it a more meat-like texture. If you want a tougher texture, cook it for 30-35. For a slightly more tender texture, pull it out at 20-25 minutes to check.
4. Once it’s golden brown and a bit tough and firm, remove from the oven set it out to dry a bit more while you prep your vegetables. Ideally, it would set out another 45 minutes or even longer. I haven’t tried letting it set out for much longer, but I don’t think it would hurt either way.
5. If serving over rice, start the rice at this point.
6. In a small mixing bowl, whisk together all of the sauce ingredients – set aside.
7. To a large skillet over medium-high heat, add sesame oil and swirl to coat. Then add veggies and toss to coat. Cook for 5-7 minutes, stirring often. When the vegetables have some color and have softened a bit, add the sauce and stir. It should bubble and thicken. Then add the tofu and stir to coat.
8. Cook the mixture for 3-5 minutes, stirring often. When veggies are cooked to your preferred doneness, remove from heat. Serve as is or over rice for a more filling meal. Best when eaten fresh, though will keep in the refrigerator for a couple days.

Kicking in the new year!

Today has been a fun and tiring day. We played flag football and kick ball! It was actually pretty fun, but it was cold and after 3 hours I was exhausted!! I got a chai tea latte with my friend after and then walked home. Lots of running around, lots of walking means I need more food! Which I haven't done yet today… I am actually cooking dinner right now (I was a head of schedule so I'm taking a break)… tofu stir fry with rice. It looks really tasty! I hope everyone likes it.

I am trying to remind myself that more exercise means I need more nutrition. That's ok! I deserve to eat even if I'm not exercising or walking. Food is important no matter what.

Only 5 days until my trip!! I am counting down the hours I'm so excited!!
Happy New Year!!!

January 1st

It's a new year!! Happy new year!!! I am so excited to go on my trip to New Orleans in 5 days :) I can't wait! I get to see my grandma and my kitty and my best friend!! I am crawling out of my skin waiting to get on that plane! SO EXCITING! A week free of therapy!! YAY. Can you tell I'm excited? haha

Today I am going to play kick ball… usually kickball is fun but it rained and it's going to be muddy and gross and I'm not looking forward to it. Oh well, I will make the best of it. 

How are you celebrating today?

2015!!!!