Happiness = positive body image

I've been feeling good about my body... which is really really rare for me. Usually by the end of the day I feel disgusted at how I look. But the past few days, I've actually felt ok. I am embracing my new body. I am learning to accept how I look. And at times, I even feel good. It's really weird. I've hated my body for so long that actually liking how I look feels really foreign. 

I think there is a direct correlation between what is going on in my life and how I feel about my body. I'm pretty sure my body looks the same way it did a week ago... but a week ago I was ready to crawl out of my skin. There hasn't been a drastic change in my weight... and in fact I'm eating MUCH more than I was eating a week ago. So really my stomach should be more puffy. But it isn't! I don't know if more food is actually making my body healthy and happy and therefore I don't need to bloat.. or maybe it really is just my perception. 

Whatever the reason, I'll take positive body image days! I think there is a direct correlation between my mood and changes in my life and my positive self image. I have taken control of my eating. It is up to me and only me to have breakfast in the morning and lunch in the afternoon. If I wanted to skip meals I could. But I am CHOOSING to do what's healthy, and it feels amazing! I get to choose what I want to eat and what tastes good and I don't feel the pressure of someone watching me. I am eating 100% better than I was last week. Not calorie counting, not obsessing... even eating an extra piece of chocolate when I crave it! My thinking makes a lot more sense. I don't feel like binging, probably because I am actually eating enough for my body. The result of doing the right thing and following my meal plan is completely positive. Why wasn't I eating better a week ago? I thought semi-restricting would make me feel better, but it just drained the energy out of me and ruined any kind of enjoyment I might get from food. I am eating what I crave, while still following my exchanges, and it feels awesome. I feel better than I have in forever. I love walking, I have pep in my step, I don't run out of energy. I feel alive. 

I think that my happiness is making me see my body more accurately. I am happy therefore I am happy in my body. I don't have a full length mirror now, so I don't see my entire reflection, but what I see in windows and mirrors I am ok with. 

You CAN reach a point of peace with your body. Rest, walk, dance, do what makes you happy. Eat what tastes good and what makes you feel satisfied. DO NOT RESTRICT. Restricting is the enemy. DO NOT PURGE. It will only land you in places you don't want to be... hospitals, treatment, and eventually death. Find the will to live! Find something, anything to grab onto with your dear life and take the steps forward to get healthy. I'm not completely on the other side yet. But I can see it and I can feel it and I can taste it. I'm getting there. And you can too. 

Believe in yourself!!!

Passion

A little self care

Today I walked quite a bit. I took a walk in the morning, and then went to the beach called sunset cliffs to walk around. It was really pretty even though it was cloudy. Then I rested a while and had lunch, and then I got my nails painted! I haven't had a manicure in a really long time so I decided to treat myself and it felt really nice.

Blue with sparkles :)

Tonight I am going to spend time with a peer coloring and doing art after dinner: Then I'll relax and finish my homework for school and watch Orange is the New Black which is a hilarious show on netflix. If you're looking for something entertaining to watch I recommend it.

Not much going on. I'll try to think of something interesting to write later.

Morning walk :)

It's been a really nice morning. Woke up early and had a big cup of coffee with lots of soy milk. It was delicious. And then I took my meds with staff, and then I had a great breakfast! I decided to make a breakfast burrito. Tortilla with eggs, vegetarian refried beans and salsa. It tasted really good! I had strawberries too. Of course while I was doing dishes I broke a plate, but it's ok. I cleaned everything up. 

Then I put on my running shoes and went for an hour long walk. I listened to music, called my mom the sun was out and shining, there were people walking dogs... it was really peaceful. I love walking. Part of me still wonders if it's my eating disorder that likes walking so much... but it really does make me feel happy. The endorphins get going and I just have so much pep in my step. Walking feels great and I'm not going to read into it more than that. 

Today is going to be a nice and quiet day. Some 1:1 time with staff, hanging out with a few friends... it should be really nice. I have some homework to do as well, so I'm going to try and get that done. 

Have a lovely day!

Tonight

Tonight was a really good night. I had dinner, and then talked with a friend on the phone, and then met up with another girl in my program. We talked for a while and then went for a walk. It was getting dark so we didn't stay out too long. Then we walked to the yogurt shop and I got frozen yogurt to bring home. It felt like a really normal interaction between two friends, and that makes me happy. Just feeling like I can talk to someone my age and go for a stroll and have a good time. It reminds me that I can just be "normal" and talk with a friend. I feel "abnormal" so much of the time, it's really nice to just to feel like an average young adult.

It's these moments that I'm grateful for. 

I'm also grateful for a positive body-image evening. Usually by the evening I am REALLY uncomfortable in my body... but tonight I actually feel ok. I am wearing shorts and a tank top and I haven't had the urge to change clothes and haven't felt like crawling out of my skin. Another thing to be grateful for. 

Overall a good day. I feel like I've handled this change of houses pretty well. I could have fallen apart by now, but I am keeping myself together. I can do this. I AM doing this!

Baby steps.

Being nicer to yourself

I am very mean to myself. I tell myself constantly that I'm ugly, that I'm heavy, that I'm not pertty enough, that I'm unworthy of love because of my ugly appearance. These thoughts run through my head constantly. "I'm not good enough..." "I'm ugly on the inside and out..." "I hate my body." And where does this get me? NOWHERE. I get absolutely normal telling myself mean things. So why do I keep doing it? Why do I criticize myself constantly? It only brings me down. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. It makes me want to cry.

I need to stop being so mean to myself. I need to really work on saying affirmations and saying nice things instead of harsh criticisms. I would NEVER talk to a friend the way I talk to myself. I would never say these things to someone I love or care about. I don't deserve to be talked to the way I talk to myself. If someone else said the things to me that I say to myself I would be horribly offended. I would probably cry! So why is it ok if I say these things to myself? It's not. It just plain isn't ok for me to talk the way I talk to myself. 

How do I turn things around and change my self talk? It will take a LOT of work. Constant affirmations will be needed. I've thought about posting some around my room as a reminder. I need to think each time I say something mean to myself, and try to say something nice to balance it out. I need to not criticize my looks every time I look in the mirror (The tiny bathroom mirror ><) It's time to be nicer to myself. 

How are you going to be nicer to yourself today?

Every day may not be good

Yesterday was not a good day. It was really hard. I broke down and cried. I felt really sad and confused and lost. But it was not a totally bad day. I learned that I CAN take care of myself and my emotions, and that it's ok to be sad and fall apart and not do anything destructive. I felt my sadness and did not try to cover it up with negative behaviors. I am learning. Baby steps.

Today will be better

Today is going to be a better day. Woke up early, had a delicious breakfast, and then went to Petco. Petco was a lot better day (different people to talk to) and the kitties were really sweet. I have individual support today so I can't go to Build a Bear with my sister, but we are going to meet up for coffee at 3:30 and that will be nice. I'm feeling really frustrated with my therapist about the mirror. I have to walk back and forth from my room to the bathroom to look in the mirror and it's really annoying. I will just have to get used to it.

I think I'll go for a walk now.
Until later

Today has been hard

Today has been a hard day. Petco interaction with the ladies I was working with.... the mirror issue... so many stupid little things that have really gotten to me. I want a mirror!! I want to be able to see how my clothes look! I don't want to hang around people who starve themselves and pass out and binge and purge. I want normalcy. I want to feel like a normal adult. Sometimes I do, and I'll say the independence I have now feels MUCH better than I felt last week. But I still have staff constantly bugging me. I still have lots of supervision. And the ridiculous thing is even the staff I'm with is triggering. Tonight we went out to dinner and the staff I was with was telling another woman how thin she looks, and then as she was eating her dinner said "I hate eating." Does she KNOW I struggle with an eating disorder?? People are so ignorant!!

Trying to look at the positives. I haven't had eating disorder behaviors in a week. I am eating well, by myself, without anyone making me. I am working at Petco, going to school three days a week. There are a LOT of good things going for me. I'm on my way to freedom and independence. Silly mirrors aren't going to hold me back. I'll just have to use the bathroom mirror. I still don't understand why I can't have a mirror, but I'll suck it up. I'll deal with it.

Tomorrow I am going to play with kitties (different people to work with tomorrow) and then I'm going to Build a Bear with my sister. She's wanted to go for months and it is finally happening. I think it's so sweet. Looking forward to that for sure. For now I'm drinking a sweet, yummy decaf coffee and I will have snack and go to sleep early.

Good night

I messed up

So today my therapist called me into her office. I asked if I was in trouble and she didn't respond. Apparently me buying a mirror the other day was no ok. I needed to talk to my therapist before buying the mirror because my team is afraid it will be triggering for me. I got in trouble :(  

I had a full length mirror at my other house so I don't quite understand why this is such a big deal. I want a mirror to see myself when I get dressed. I'll admit I can get obsessive but it just seems unfair.

We are out to dinner now at a place I do not like. Today just is not my day. Sorry for complaining. I just wish I could catch a break. 

A world of triggers

Possible trigger warning...



Today I was working with the kitties at petco. I work with a few other nice ladies, we all love cats, it's a great environment. On the cart, there is a big jar of jelly beans for all the volunteers. One of the volunteers, a woman maybe in her late 20s, said "Give me red and pink jelly beans, I haven't had anything 'bad' in weeks." She then proceeded to tell us she had only eaten 800 calories a day for three weeks. That she was beyond hungry. That she had passed out at the gym the other way. She is a beautiful young woman, and she said "I am grossly overweight." and then talked about what weight she feels most comfortable in. I was thrown off. I didn't know what to say.

I spoke up. I said that eating 800 calories a day is really unhealthy and that she should see a dietician. She said she's been in eating disorder treatment and that she saw a dietician for two years, and that she is restricting so heavily in order to avoid binging and purging. I feel very sad for her. She's a beautiful girl. It gives a hard blow, the reality that people in the world really do struggle with eating. It's not just in treatment, it's everywhere. People really struggle. And it breaks my heart.

I got out my snack; granola bar and string cheese. This girl laughed and said that I'm a "creature of habit" as I bring a string cheese and granola bar with me every week to petco. I find that if I skip snack or even eat it late, I get so hungry and shaky, and being hungry and shaky for me is risky and definitely sets me up to have behaviors like binging or purging. I nibbled on my snack hoping that the other women wouldn't say anything. I tried laughing while she laughed, but the thing is eating still makes me embarrassed. I wish I didn't have to eat in front of people sometimes. I wish I wasn't embarrassed to eat.

I think I handled the situation pretty well. I didn't fall apart or share too much about myself. I was strong with my response that this girl needs help, and I told her that I really am concerned about her health. I hope she gets the help she deserves. Basically, the world is full of triggers. People are triggering. I am learning to handle these everyday interactions. It will just make me a stronger person.

I saw my dietician this afternoon. And guess what? My meal plan is staying the same. No decreases. My body is doing really well on this meal plan. It's a LOT of food. But it's what I need right now. This is what I need. I'm not at my goal weight yet. I will get there. Sigh. Powering through.

Good morning!

Good morning! 

I'm out for a lovely morning walk. It's already really warm out so I'm glad I got a chance to walk before it got too hot. I am feeling pretty anxious because I have to get weighed today... Best case scenario I've made it to my goal weight and I can get my meal plan lowered. If it stays the same it's ok I guess. I'm just really ready to eat more normally (whatever normal means). 

I'm going to play with kitties this morning. Yay! And then lunch with my dietician. Alright I'll post more later :)

Anxiety

I'm feeling anxiety about having to get weighed tomorrow. For the past two days I have followed my meal plan and not counted calories, so I have no idea how many calories I'm eating. I just decided I needed to give up the control and follow the meal plan my dietician has given me. She's promised me that as soon as my meal plan needs to be lowered she will lower it. I just have trouble with the fact that my dietician knows what's happening with my body (specifically my weight) and I don't. I feel like I want to know what's happening with my own body, and handing that responsibility over to my dietician is hard.

So I will step on the scale. And there will be a number. A number I don't know.... And I don't need to know because that number does not define me. It does not make me who I am. It does not change me or make me a bad person. My weight is my gravitational pull on the earth. That's all it is. I am not my weight. I am not a number. So getting weighed should be no biggie.

I feel proud/anxious about the fact that I'm doing the right thing. I am eating, and that is good. But the feelings are mixed.  At times eating feels really wrong. It feels like the opposite of what I need to be doing, even though logically I do know eating is a good thing. I just wish eating didn't have such an effect on me. I'm working on it. Some day those numbers won't matter. None of them. The calories, the weight.. it just won't phase me. I can't wait for that day. I'll get there.

Night snack today... the usual :) Toast with sunflower butter, banana, and hot cocoa. :) Mmmmmm. I deserve to enjoy my food. All people do. YOU DESERVE TO EAT. Never stop fighting. We will get there; baby steps.

Attitude

Inspiration

Independence feels amazing

I was worried they once I moved to housing it wouldn't be as exciting and wonderful as I though it would be... And do you know what?? Being in independent housing is really as great as I had hoped!! Making my own meal plans is fantastic, living without staff support is such a relief!! I finally feel like an adult. Freedom is as sweet as I'd hoped. I am celebrating my independence!!

I was able to get up this morning, make my coffee without having to hassle staff for soy milk and sweetener. I am going to make my breakfast (waffles, eggs, and fruit) in a little while and sit and enjoy my food! Nobody treating me like an incapable child. Such a relief.

Today I see my therapist. She always makes me cry. I had a really tough family session with her yesterday (our usual family therapist is on maternity leave) and I ended up sobbing for 20 minutes. I never wear make up when I see this therapist because I'm sure to break down. No make up.

I'm excited for another day of freedom. Life is a wonderful thing. I am glad to be alive today.

Choosing to be healthy

Every time I've tried to recover from my eating disorder it's been under medical supervision and under people who were "making" me, or encouraging me to eat. It wasn't me choosing to eat... being in whatever program or hospital meant that I HAD to eat. That I didn't have a choice. But this time, my recovery is different. I had some support around meals. But there was nobody serving me my food. Nobody checking my meal plan. Nobody watching what I was taking in. This time around I CHOSE to follow my meal plan, 100%. I chose to stop purging and earned the privilege of using the bathroom without asking permission back. I gained the weight. Nobody forced or made me do it. And it feels really different. I chose to get healthy. It's really empowering.

It's also really challenging. When I was under supervision of nurses or whatever staff in inpatient programs, I could blame those people for my feeling so miserable. I could tell myself "I'm being forced to eat, it's not my fault I feel so miserable." This time around, I was the one to blame for my misery. I was forcing myself to eat. I was choosing the food. I was eating more than everyone around me because that's what I needed. I blamed myself for my misery. But I started feeling proud too.

Refeeding is a horrible process. This time around when I started eating again I got really really constipated and had a blockage and was vomiting because I was in so much pain. I had to take magnesium citrate and I almost ended up in the ER. My legs swelled up like balloons at night. My nails and hair were breaking and falling out. This is all part of the refeeding process, and this is the first time I got through it without tubes down my nose, without IVs, without ending up in the hospital. I chose to get healthy. And after the first few weeks of misery I did start feeling proud. I remember the first meal I ate where I wasn't in agony after. I celebrated. I laughed and cheered myself on, so proud that I'd gotten over the initial refeeding hurdle. I did it.

Now, my body has adjusted to eating. My acid reflux is much MUCH better and I don't feel like I'm going to get sick if I lean over after eating. I am not dizzy when I stand up and I have the energy to walk and even run. I am starting to enjoy eating (Just a little right now) especially things that taste good.. I've allowed myself to have chocolate again and it's amazing! I, in general, don't have the urge to purge after meals anymore. If I don't eat enough throughout the day I start feeling bing-y but I know that if I follow my meal plan that urge doesn't come up. So the past two days I have followed my meal plan 100%. I know it might mean my weight will go up. But it's ok. I'll deal with it.

Basically, it is possible to get better. If you'd asked me how I was doing three months ago, I would have said I was miserable. Now, at least most of the time, I am content and happy to wake up in the morning. Actually I am RELIEVED to wake up in the morning because for a long time I worried I just would go to sleep and not wake up... but here I am. Alive and kicking.

NEVER stop fighting.

Long day

Today has felt like a really long day. I got on the bus to school at 8 am and I have been going going going until now. Now I am finally able to have my snack and go to bed early. I did go to target to buy a mirror, and it was $6 so I was happy! And now I have a mirror so I don't go crazy haha. I'm exhausted! Definitely time for bed.

Independence feels great. Eating what I want and when I want.... going to bed when i want... being able to walk places without permission. Actually having peers to support me when I need it. All good things. I feel more like an adult, finally. I'm grateful for the change.

I don't know what else to write, except I hope you have a lovely night/day wherever you are :)

No mirrors

My new house is great. Lots of independence. Lots of freedom. It's quiet. But you know what's missing?? A MIRROR. At my other house I had mirror closet doors. At this house the only mirrors are in the bathroom and they are only half-length mirrors. I am going crazy! Trying to get dressed is a hassle as I have to keep walking back and forth to the bathroom from my bedroom. I really need a mirror for my door. 

I am going to get a mirror. But I have been thinking "I can survive without a mirror." Right? The mirror is not the most important thing in the world. Looks are not the most important thing in the world. I can live without seeing my reflection. I am not conceded or vain. But on the other hand, I want to make sure I look ok. I am very self-consious about my mid section and legs, and I want to make sure that the clothes I wear make me look ok. I am just so uncomfortable :/ I want the mirror to make sure I look ok.  

I know it's silly that I'm so concerned about having a mirror... I wish it didn't matter to me. I'll admit I got dressed in a hurry this morning and didn't look at my reflection and I survived. I didn't see my reflection until I got to school and saw myself in the glass, and I felt ok I guess. But by the time class was over I was really uncomfortable. I changed into a skirt and black tank top when I got home. And then changed into shorts. And then into leggings, and then into shorts again, and now in work out clothes. Ugh. I just want a day where I feel ok in my body. I hate feeling this way. 

Looks are FAR from everything. People who care about me don't judge me based on my looks. They care about me as a person. I am the person who notices all the flaws. And it needs to stop. I'm wondering if having my first calorie-count/restrict free day is subconsciously making me more aware of my body? I'm determined. I can do this. I just wish I wasn't so uncomfortable. 

Lunch

My lunch today is same as yesterday because it tasted so good. Rice and beans, carrots, and cranberries because there's very little fruit in the house:

School today was interesting. We are learning about child development theories. A little dry... But that's ok.

I am glad I have a break from school until Tuesday. Lots of school work to do but still a break.  

New day!

I am making a proclamation: today is a day of no calorie counting and no cutting corners!!! I am determined to make today an all recovery minded day. I can do it. I know I can.

I just tried overnight oats for the first time and it is DELICIOUS!!! It's creamy and cool and tastes really yummy. I'd definitely reccomend trying it. Literally just oats and milk and whatever other yummy things you want to add it. Mine has sun butter and cessions and it is really tasty. I'd say it's a must-try food.

This morning I have class and I'm at school now. And then later women's group (new group) and then family therapy. I think today is going to be a good day. I woke up on the right side of the bed. I am determined to have a 100% successful day!!! 

Have a lovely day :)

Today

Today has been exciting and overwhelming. I had groups and therapy, moved  houses, and then went to school. So many good things! Just tiring. Now its 11:00 and I'm wide awake! Too much excitement haha. I feel completely wired and want to go for a run or something. But I need to go to sleep. I have to wake up early for class tomorrow.

Tonight I am doing an experiment.... I'm trying overnight oats! I did a little research to figure out how to do it. I mixed 1/2 cup of oats, 2/3 cup of soy milk, 2 tbsp of sunflower seed butter, and dried cranberries. I plan to bring it to school with me tomorrow. Hopefully it will turn out ok! If not I will have to improvise.

Well I'm going to try to sleep. Until tomorrow friends!

Need to get motivated

I'm noticing that my food intake is getting lower and lower each day. Skipping foods and Cutting corners on my meal plan has become a norm, a bad habit, and I really need to change this! Today I have eaten but I've counted each calorie and I know I haven't eaten enough. I need all the nutrition I can get. I need to get restricting out of my head and just make it not an option. I made purging not an option, and it worked. Restricting cannot be an option. It only hurts me. I need 100% of my meal plan. All the nutrients.

Today I've already counted everything out. I will have my dinner (which is small because I'm in class) and then have my snack and it looks like I'm going to need to add an ensure plus. I can do this. I can push myself. My nutrition is completely up to me now. No staff watching me eat!! I need to prove to everyone and to myself that I can do this. That I can maintain my weight and eat normally. And normally for me is different from someone else's normal. My body needs lots of nutrition to repair the damage I've done over the years. That might mean I need to eat more than "normal" whatever that means. I know what my body needs. I just need to eat!!

Tomorrow is a new start. A chance to not count calories and to eat 100%. I've got this.

Eating my first independent lunch :)

Having my first lunch as an independent person!!! I just had to scrounge around the house to see what I could find and I found beans and rice and carrots!! With salsa :)

So exciting!!

The day is finally here!!!

Today I am finally moving houses. I could not be more excited. I never thought this day would come. And it's finally here. HOORAY!!!!! Six months of residential treatment are finally over. I'm so ready for this change.

Today I'm having a bad body image day... Which is strange because usually when I am happy that's when I feel best about my body. I look at the mirror one minute and I'm happy and then look again and I'm so disappointed!! I know, however, that the negative feelings will pass because they always do. I'm just surprised that I'm not more comfortable because I am feeling so happy and positive. 

I'm a little anxious about the food at my new house... Will they have everything I need?? I'm going to bring my soy milk and cereal from the house I'm in now. I also will bring the ensures in case I need it. I think everything's going to work out fine once  I go shopping for food.

I'll write later after the move. Wish me luck!!!

All packed up :)

I'm sitting in my room looking at all my bags packed up ready to move. I never thought this day would come. Tomorrow I am free.

I got weighed today. From what I know, my weight is stable but not quite in the range I'm supposed to shoot for. I need to eat 100% percent of my meal plan. I know I'm only hurting myself by not eating everything, and it will not give my dietician the information needed to know whether to increase or decrease my meal plan. Today I have eaten well, but not quite enough, so I will have to add an ensure plus after my night snack. I'm hoping that NOT wanting to drink ensure will be a great motivation to just eat everything on my meal plan instead of having to supplement. I am so over supplements!

Tonight for snack I am having a big frozen yogurt with banana and trail mix :) Mmmmmmm I'm so excited! The flavors are graham cracker (sounds weird but is so delicious!!) and strawberry. I never get toppings at the ice cream shop because it is too expensive and I can just add toppings myself.

Tomorrow starts a new chapter of my life. After 6 months in residential treatment I am SO ready for some independence.
Will update tomorrow :)

Believing in yourself

I spent years not believing in myself. Not believing I would ever get better. Not believing I could go back to school. Not believing I would ever live independently. Not believing I would even survive long enough to enroll in school again.. But here I am. In school, and moving to independent housing.

Now I believe in myself. I believe I'm going to Make it. I believe that I will be successful in school. I believe I am going to live a long successful life. I'll drive again some day soon. I believe I will be a productive member of society.

This didn't happen overnight. It took months of tears and pain, fighting as hard as I could, thinking I would never make it to the other side. But I fought. I ate and kept my food down. I cried every day because of the pain of refeeding and dealt with swollen legs and a huge bloated belly. I dealt with horrible stomach issues and sickness. My body had to be repaired. The Body is resilient and I have made it to the other side. I believed in myself, just barely; but enough to let myself heal.

Believe in yourself. You are worth it!! You are amazing and strong. You are a fighter. Never give up.

Today is my last day in captivity

Today is my last day in residential housing. Tomorrow morning I will move everything into independent housing. Have I mentioned how excited I am?? I feel very ready to move to independence. I feel confident that I will be successful living on my own. If you had told me I was going to live alone six months ago I would have been terrified.

When I got to Hanbleceya I had just gotten out of an 8 week hospital stay. I was still suicidal, purging, and self harming. My parts were a mess, all over the place, cutting, I was dissociating. I was not safe. I took a tour of the different houses, and the thought of living without supervision scared me to death. I was afraid that I just wouldn't wake up. I did not think I was safe to hold my own medication or have chemicals or sharp things like knives and razors. I saw the residential house and immediately knew that was where I belonged. Sharps locked up. chemicals locked up. Meds locked up... the safety was comforting to me. I was so relieved when I started living at the residential house. I felt safe, I had people I could ask for help.

The first four months of my stay at Hanbleceya I really did need to be in residential. I started cutting and purging. Rules were put in place that I had to stay with staff for 40 minutes after meals so that I wouldn't purge, but after 40 minutes I would still purge anyway. I wasn't allowed to walk, and at one point I even had to be driven a block down the street to the therapy center. I was on very strict supervision, and had pretty much no freedom. But I turned things around. When everyone on my treatment team thought I'd end up in the hospital, I started eating and stopped purging. I started to gain weight. I started having fewer urges. I stopped self harming... I got better despite the odds.

Flash forward to today... I can't STAND having chemicals and sharps locked up!! When I do the dishes I want to have dish soap without having to ask. I want to be able to shave my legs in the shower! I no longer feel at risk for harming myself with the things that are locked up. I feel safe. I feel strong. I am doing so much better with my eating and I am pretty much 100% responsible for following my meal plan. I'm working on eating that 100% and getting closer every day. Tomorrow I will be free. I deserve to have this extra freedom. I'm ready. It's time!

It's ok to love your body!

Good morning :)

I want to tell you it's ok to love your body. If you're having a positive body image day embrace it!!! Be proud, be glad, celebrate!!

Thinking about life

I've been thinking about life today. The fact that I am alive. And the fact that I could not be alive right now. In February I (well one of my parts) took a lethal overdose. I went into respiratory failure and I was rushed to the hospital, where I was put on life support for a few days. I am alive because a painting fell off the wall in my bathroom when I fell over. My dad happened to be home from work. If he hadn't heard that painting fall, and if he hadn't been home, I would not be alive today. I was lucky. I truly intended to die when I took the overdose, but something got in the way. I guess I was destined to survive. 

What if the painting hadn't fallen off the wall?

What if my dad had been at work? 

What if I had taken the overdose at night when everyone was asleep? 

What if I hadn't survived?

For a long time after the overdose I was so angry that I had been found. I felt that I didn't deserve to be alive, that I was a burden on everyone around me and that everyone would be happier if I was no longer alive. I know now how much it would have affected people in my life if I hadn't survived. My parents would have been devastated, my sister's life would have been completely unravelled. People who know me would have been shocked and confused. The kids I work with in the preschool would have lost a teacher. I would have changed people's lives, but not for the better. My death would have been a tragedy. 

I am grateful that my dad heard that painting fall off the wall. He had enough time to call 911 and I got the hospital. There are moments, when I feel really low, that I still wish I hadn't survived. But in general I am very grateful. I am in school, volunteering, I have made friends.... there are many good things happening in my life. I could have missed out on all these opportunities. Today, I am grateful to be alive.

Calorie counting

I started off today determined not to count calories. I made it through breakfast, snack, lunch, and snack before calculating, sure that my numbers were sky high. I was surprised to realize that my calories for the day are pretty low. I'm kind of disappointed and confused because I followed my meal exchanges and what was on my meal plan. I'm subconsciously undercutting what I need for my meals: and it's really frustrating. 

I know how much I've eaten, and I guess I'll keep counting. I'll try to bulk up dinner (I'm cooking a frittata and roasted sweet potatoes). I will eat substantial portions and also have my full night snack and I should be ok.

I'm looking at my meal plan to see where I went wrong and I am seeing how I undercut without even thinking. At breakfast I poured only half a cup of soy milk in my coffee instead of a cup. I had only 3/4 cup of yogurt and 1/2 a muffin instead of a whole. My sandwich at lunch did not have any fats and I missed a starch. Snack I only had an iced coffee with some soy milk and part of a mini scone. I need to face the fact I've gotten used to undercutting. And I need to he more aware of what I'm eating and how I'm serving my portions. I need full cups of milk: full portions of yogurt... I need to add the fats to my meal plan and not just pretend they are already in my food. I need more. I need to reach my goal weight so I can lower my meal plan and feel more normal with my eating. Right now I just feel like I'm eating so much... When really I'm not. I am eating enough to maintain my weight but not reach my goal. I need to step up my game.

I keep saying I will do better and I feel as though I'm failing. But I'm learning and I'm fighting. I will get there. I will.

Shake it off - Taylor Swift :)

Just shake it off :)

Two days!!!

 Just two days until I move to freedom and I am so excited!!!! I can hardly contain my excitement! In just two days I will be able to wake up when I want, have my own breakfast, have my own lunch, go for walks as I please, go to bed when I want to.... So much freedom to look forward to! And just two days!!'

Right now I make my meal plans a week ahead because all of our breakfasts and lunches and dinners are planned out a week ahead. In independent housing I will probably just make my meal plans the night before because that way I can plan what I'm in the mood for. If I wake up and want yogurt and granola I can do that! Or if I want a bagel or toast I can do that too! It will be up to me. I will be accountable for making my food and eating everything I need. I think I can do it :)

Being in independent housing means a lot more responsibility too. There will be no one to keep me from going to the bathroom after meals. There will be no one making sure I'm eating. It will be up to me. And I feel confident that I can hold myself accountable. I will eat because that's what my body needs and because I'm human and deserve to eat. Every person deserves to eat and I am a person so I deserve to eat.

I'm ready!! Bring on the independence!!

Semi-recovered

I feel that I am in a semi-recovered state. On one hand I am doing really well. My weight is almost where it needs to be, I have purged only a couple times in the past several weeks, my exercise is moderate and healthy. On the other hand, I am still consumed by eating disordered thoughts. I still need to gain some weight (less than 10 lbs) but I am resisting with everything in me. I am refusing to eat more to gain that last bit of weight. I have the urge to purge sometimes, and recently the urge to binge very often, probably because I'm not eating quite enough. I have purged a couple times, out of the blue, and that's been very disappointing. When I exercise I definitely feel that I am compensating for eating, and if I skip a day of exercise I feel kind of panicky. I am still obsessively counting calories, cutting corners on my meal plan, and making sure I don't go over a certain number each day. I am not following all my exchanges on my meal plan. I'm eating maybe 65% of what's on my plan.

So I am not in a danger zone. No risk of ending up in the hospital, I'm not dehydrated... I'm in better shape physically than I've been in years!! But I'm not fully in recovery. My thoughts are getting in the way. My thinking is still very disordered. My body image is ok at times, and very poor at times. I change my clothes several times a day... getting through a day without changing my clothes is a big deal. I still use the calculator on my phone to calculate calories I've eaten. I'm not free yet. I am teetering on the edge of healthy and unhealthy. I'm somewhere in the middle. 

I want to get into full recovery. To get there I will really have to give up control. Stop the calories counting and truly follow my exchanges on my meal plan. Exercise the amount I'm allowed (1 hour max) and not go over that. Put on an outfit in the morning and stay in that outfit all day. No longer want to purge after meals, and not feel so hungry that I feel I need to binge... wanting to binge is just a sign that my body needs more food and I need to accept that. And I guess a big step will be following my dietician's instructions that if I don't eat 100% of my meal plan, I add an ensure plus to my day. 

Today I have skimped on my meals. Breakfast was small, lunch was small, and for dinner out I basically chose the item on the menu with the fewest calories. :( For snack tonight I got myself a big frozen yogurt and I will put banana and almonds on that... but technically I will need an ensure plus to make sure I've had enough. It is hard. But I need to do it.

I will get there. I know I will. This is a process, learning, making mistakes, and learning more. Growing into the healthy person that I want to be. I have been out of the hospital for 6 months. I am going into independent housing. I am on my way. Just not quite there yet.

Painful memories

This afternoon I went with my house to a coffee shop downtown. I had an iced coffee, I was enjoying myself, and then a guy I went to school with walked in. He said hi to me, said he'd just been at lunch with several other people from the school.... he was with another old student.
My stomach dropped to the floor and I felt like I was about to pass out. This young many stirred up so many memories of a very dark time in my life.

I went to a behavioral school because of my eating disorder. It wasn't residential, I went home at night. It was run by a man and a woman, a very abusive social worker (I'll call her "C"). The school was a harmful environment, even though my parents thought at first it was the right fit for me. I did well at this school at first, but eventually I deteriorated and got sicker than ever before.

This young man was there my first day of school. I had just gotten out of the psychiatric hospital, and was severely restricting and purging. My first day I had a bag of graham crackers, which I threw away in one of the school trash cans. Another girl saw me and told the social worker. "C" got in my face, screaming, telling me that I was a liar and cheater, that I was f88king with the wrong people, that I was a spoiled brat, that I was sick, that I was manipulative and sneaky. I was terrified. I had never had anyone get in my face like that. And as I got screamed at, in front of the entire school, this young man I saw today laughed. He laughed while I got screamed at. I was so ashamed.

I know now that I'm safe. I don't have to deal with the people at that school anymore. But it was a horrible, scary time in my life. I was young and very sick, and all I wanted was love. I was so deprived of nurturing and care, and "C" destroyed any ounce of self esteem that I might have had left after 6 months of Maudsley family therapy. My classmates were thrilled and excited to watch me get in trouble, and I see, and my parents see now, how messed up that school really was.

I have a stomach ache now... I feel sick. All I want to do is purge. But I am stronger than this. I am brave, I am a good person. "C" can't hurt me anymore, and this young man I ran into doesn't want to hurt me either. We were friends at one point, so maybe he was actually happy to see me? Who knows. But I am NOT going to act upon urges. That would be letting the dark side win, and I am in the light. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am safe.

We are going out to dinner tonight... Coco's bakery. Not sure what I'm going to order. Not feeling hungry in the slightest. And I can't stand the staff member who's with the house tonight. Ugh. Just want to curl into a ball and hide. But I am doing the opposite of that. I will eat my dinner, eat my snack... only two days until freedom. I can do this.

It's gonna be a good day!

I woke up happy this morning. I was up pretty early but I didn't mind. I got up, got dressed and walked back to my house. After breakfast I played with kitties at petco; and now I'm having snack waiting for my dad to pick me up. We are going to go downtown and have Lunch and walk around. I think it's gonna be a good day :)

Something which I've noticed is that I've been really hungry.... Like ravenous hungry. Last night I really wanted to binge. I didn't by the urge was really strong. I guess wanting to binge can be because of a few reasons... It could be emotionally I'm missing something. But it also could be genuine hunger, which is possible because I've been eating on the lighter side. It is very possible I just need more food. Which is frustrating. I'm going to try and get in all my nutrition today. I know I can do it.

Have a great day!!

Things I'm looking forward to

Things I'm looking forward to:

Seeing my dad for lunch tomorrow
Possibly seeing my mom for coffee Sunday
Moving to independent housing on Tuesday (YAY!!!)
   -Having my own breakfast and lunch
   -Having more freedom
Making more friends
Doing well in school
Learning in school

Going to university and getting a degree
Going to grad school
Becoming a social worker
Having a job that makes me happy

Finding someone I love
Having my own family

Many things to look forward to... just have to keep reminding myself that I'll get there.
Never give up.

Food from today

Food for today...

Breakfast: 2 frozen waffles with syrup, veggie sausage, a plum, and coffee with soy milk

Snack: Nutrigrain bar and string cheese

Lunch: Veggie burger on a bun, carrots, and lots of watermelon, honeydew, and strawberries

Snack: More watermelon and fiber cereal

Dinner: Spinach salad with strawberries, feta cheese, and almonds, two slices of toast, and a bowl of cooked carrots

Snack: Toast with sunflower butter and banana, and warm almond milk

What did you eat today?

Improving body image

Below you will find suggestions to help you improve your overall body image, which will be an integral part of the recovery process.Everyone should feel good about their body, no matter what size you are! If you have any ideas you'd like to share, send them by e-mail!
Tips to Improve Your Body Image
Do Self-affirmations daily! It's what's inside that counts.
Wear clothes you feel comfortable in. Don't wear clothes that feel too tight or restrict movement. Don't hold off on buying clothes you like -- do it now! Dress to express yourself, not to impress others. You should feel good in what you wear.
Cut labels out of your clothes. The size on the tags shouldn't dictate your mood for the day!
Stay away from the scale -- as a matter of fact, get rid of it! If your weight needs to be monitored, leave that up to the doctors. How much you weigh should never affect your self-esteem or your sense of who you are.
Before you look in the mirror, think optimistically. When you start your day, decide how you are feeling before going to the mirror. No one looks good with bed-head, and our moods aren't determined by the reflection we see. Start your day with self-affirmations, relax in a hot shower, think of all the positive ways you will cope with any stresses of the day ahead, and think of the things you have to be thankful for in your life... only then are you more prepared to face yourself with pride.
Talk to yourself at the mirror. Focus on what you like and remind yourself that it's okay to like and appreciate what you see, no matter what size you are.
Stay away from fashion magazines. Let's fact it, most fashion and women's magazines focus on an ideal of beauty that is just not something anyone in real-life can be. Most models make up less than one percent of the human population when it comes to their size! In addition, each one has a staff of people to make them transform into what the final photo looks like -- designers, make-up artists, camera people and lighting specialists, and photo retouchers (think "airbrush"). Unless you can look through these magazines knowing they are purely fantasy, it's just better to stay away from them. Invest in magazines that contribute to who you are -- News magazine, magazines that relate to positive hobbies and interests (art, music, sports, traveling, home decorating, gardening, etc.) -- they make a magazine for just about everything these days... I even recently saw one just for beany-baby collecting!
Make a "why I like myself" list. Think of all the things about YOUthat you like -- are you honest? Creative? Intelligent? Compassionate? Loyal? Kind? Think of all the reason you deserve to love yourself and write them down. Hang the list up next to the mirror as a reminder that these things are what make you truly beautiful.
Take the time to do nice things for your body. One a month get a massage, a manicure, or a facial. Pamper yourself to long hot baths by candlelight. Get together with a friend and give each other pedicures. Buy lotions that feel and smell good and treat yourself to some perfume or body mist. Take naps when you need to, just because you can!
Take risks to challenge yourself. Think of things you normally wouldn't do and try them (you'll find out that the world won't cave in) -- leave the house without makeup, get a wild new haircut (how many years have you had that same hairdo???), spend all day in your pajamas or go out to run an errand in them. The point is, your makeup, hair and clothes do not make you who you are! Prove it!
Go places you'd never go alone. Ever go to a movie by yourself? Or enjoy a cup of coffee at the local cafe and read the paper? How about a fancy restaurant, dinner for one? These are treasured experiences, time spent with yourself, and that is the first person you need to get to know and love spending time with. Take the risk and try it!
Stay alert to fighting negative self-talk. When that little voice of doom pops up in your mind trying to remind you how horrible you think you are, have a strategy for turning those negatives to positives. No one is perfect! When you find yourself being self critical immediately stop and pay yourself a compliment!
Stay active. Movement therapy is something that helps improve everyone's sense of being. Take up Yoga or Tai' Chi. Join a Karate class. Take a thirty-minute walk three days a week. Get outside and play volleyball with the kids or go rollerskating in the park with your friends. Take a leisurely bike ride at sunrise. Make angels in the snow and sandcastles at the beach. Be active and enjoy life!
Ask for a hug when you need it. Sometimes there is no better therapy then a hug and a kind word from someone that cares about you, but our loved-ones aren't mind readers! Tell them when you're having a bad day and ask for a hug, a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen.
Protect the child in you. Look at children around you now -- would you criticize them for being themselves? Are you focused on the weight of a five-year-old while you watch them play with friends? Wouldn't you protect a child being picked on? Well you don't deserve to be picked on either, and you don't deserve to be picked on by yourself!
Remind yourself that the people who truly love you, love you for YOU, not for what you look like.
Remind yourself that looking healthy is something positive. It means that you are well rested, eating right and nurturing your soul. It means no more than that, and no less than that.
Read books that help you improve self-image. The author Sarkwrites some of my favorites!
Remember the whole world... We are all different and we're supposed to be that way. It would be an incredibly boring world if we all looked exactly the same. It's a truly special experience to look around and realize that everyone is beautiful, no matter what size, color or gender they are. There is beauty in everyone, and that includes you!
http://www.something-fishy.org/reach/bodyimage.php

10 "will powers" for improving body image

I WILL ask myself: “Am I benefiting from focusing on what I believe are flaws in my body weight or shape?”

I WILL think of three reasons why it is ridiculous for me to believe that thinner people are happier or “better.” I will repeat these reasons to myself whenever I feel the urge to compare my body shape to someone else’s.

I WILL spend less and less time in front of mirrors—especially when they are making me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious about my body.   

I WILL exercise for the joy of feeling my body move and grow stronger. I will not exercise simply to lose weight, purge fat from my body, or to “make-up” for calories I have eaten.

I WILL participate in activities that I enjoy, even if they call attention to my weight and shape.I will constantly remind myself that I deserve to do things I enjoy, like dancing, swimming, etc., no matter what my shape or size is!

I WILL refuse to wear clothes that are uncomfortable or that I do not like but wear simply because they divert attention from my weight or shape. I will wear clothes that are comfortable and that make me feel at home in my body.

I WILL list 5 to10 good qualities that I have, such as understanding, intelligence, or creativity. I will repeat these to myself whenever I start to feel bad about my body.

I WILL practice taking people seriously for what they say, feel, and do. Not for how slender, or “well put together” they appear.

I WILL surround myself with people and things that make me feel good about myself and my abilities. When I am around people and things that support me and make me feel good, I will be less likely to base my self-esteem on the way my body looks.

I WILL treat my body with respect and kindness. I will feed it, keep it active, and listen to its needs. I will remember that my body is the vehicle that will carry me to my dreams! 

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/10-will-powers-improving-body-image 

Beach outing!

Today we are going to the beach to spend time with family :) I'm excited! The weather is beautiful and I changed clothes so I'm much more comfortable than I was this morning. The kitties today were absolutely adorable. They make me so happy.

Today I am determined to follow my whole meal plan. I got weighed today and my dietician says I need more. If I don't get everything in I need to drink an ensure plus... Not something I want to do!! So I'm eating. Lunch today is a pot luck and burger and hot dogs which is a little overwhelming but I'll do my best. I plan to have a veggie burger, fruit and veggies. One more night practicing spending the night independently and then three days until I move officially!!! I'm so excited!!!!! 

Have a lovely day!

Uncomfortable

 This morning I am just plain uncomfortable. I am wearing a dress that I really like, but for the fire time I am wearing it withot binding my chest... And it does not feel good. I feel so self conscious right now. I've told myself wrapping just isn't an option. I need to embrace my body. And it's really hard :/ so uncomfortable. It feels wrong in every way.

Today I am going to the beach and I get to see my sister and mom! Yay! I'm excited to see my sister and the beach should be really nice. It's a beautiful day.

Going to get weighed now and then breakfast and petco. Have a lovely day!

Learning from slip ups

I have made a lot of progress in the past several weeks. I went from eating hardly anything and purging to eating 100% of my meal plan with almost no purging. The transformation I've made is dramatic. And I feel very proud of myself. I did what other people in my life thought was impossible. I almost ended up in the hospital, but I turned things around and got healthy. Now, for the first time in years, I have been hospital free for 6 months. This is truly a miracle. I never thought I'd come this far.

Tonight after dinner, I had a slip up. I responded, on a whim, to anxiety about moving and feeling overwhelmed about school. I don't know WHY I did it. I was having a good day... but I did. And I feel bad. I emailed my dietician and told her what had happened, and she told me that slip ups happen, not to get down on myself about it. And do you know what I'm doing? I'm moving forward. I slipped up. It happened. Now I'm moving forward.

I've only had a few slips the past several weeks. And each time that I've slipped up, I've learned from y mistake. I learned that what I get too hungry, and lonely, and tired, and angry I respond by having behaviors. I need to eat consistently to keep myself from binging, and I need to tell myself positive things to keep myself from purging. I need to follow my meal plan and listen to my body, and eat when i get hungry because that is what my body needs. I need to eat consistently, sleep enough, and take enough time to myself to clear my head and prevent myself from getting overwhelmed. I know what I need to do. Today I just didn't take care of myself the way I needed to and it resulted in eating disorder behaviors.

I am moving forward. And I am learning.

Ways to deal with anxiety

I have struggled with anxiety since I was very little. When I was a child my anxiety manifested itself as stomach aches and shortness of breath. I went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was making me sick, but they couldn't find anything. It was just nerves. The stomach aches continued as I became a preteen and teenager, and my anxiety just made me more anxious. When I trouble with friends, or with my parents, my stomach would get upset. And it was annoying and embarrassing. It didn't occur to anyone that I was just really anxious and responding to difficult things that were happening in my life. I know now that when I get a stomach ache it is probably because I'm anxious. I also have panic attacks where I feel I can't breathe and I'm going to faint or get sick. I've had these attacks every since I can remember. And it's not fun.

So ways to beat anxiety. These are things that I use when I'm feeling anxious.

Breathing. Breathing is really, really important. When I get anxious I try to normalize my breathing and count my breaths. I inhale and count to 4, and then exhale and count to 7. Inhale count to 4, exhale count to 7. Sometimes I do "4 by 4" breathing, where I count inhale 4, hold the breath 4, exhale the breath 4, hold 4. Breathing is a great skill because you can do it anywhere and don't need anything other than your body. You can do it in a room of people, or by yourself. Pay attention to your breathing.

Holding onto something cold. I like to use an ice pack. I grab onto the ice pack, sometimes bring it up to my face to feel the shock of the coldness. It helps to ground me and bring me back into reality. When I hold ice it is a reminder that I am alive and I am ok. It's the shock of the change of temperature that really helps.


Drinking tea. Drinking a hot cup of tea is really soothing to me. The smell and the sweet taste are very grounding for me. It helps lower my anxiety significantly.

Wrapping myself in a blanket. It's kind of like swaddling a baby and sounds silly, but it really helps. I have a blanket that I made a few years ago that I sit and wrap myself in, and it really calms me down. It makes me feel warm and safe, like I am protected.

Hugging stuffed animals. I have DID, and I have parts inside me that are really young... as young as 2 years old. When my younger parts are anxious and afraid it really helps to hug a stuffed animal. Again, it sounds silly, but it reminds me that I am safe and reminds my younger parts that they are safe.

Counting and naming things in the room around me. I look around the room and literally name off everything that I see. Chair, fan, table, cup, phone, computer... it grounds me and puts me back in the room that I'm in, and it's really helpful. It distracts me from my negative, scary thoughts.

Playing games on my phone. I play Scrabble with a few people, I play Yahtzee, and I play tetris occasionally, and it is a good distraction. I can sit for just a little while and play a silly game and it takes my mind off whatever is making me panic.

Listening to music. Sometimes I listen to calming music, sometimes I listen to kid's music, sometimes I listen to pop... my music choices are really random. But having my ear phones in is really calming and can take me to another world in a way. I can close my eyes and just get absorbed into the music. Music is an amazing thing. I also play the guitar, and singing and playing the guitar is also really calming. I sing calming music and it calms me down. I love music.

How do you deal with anxiety? Any tips? I'm always looking for new ways to beat anxiety.

Strong

Today I feel strong. I AM strong. You are strong. Never give up.

Looking like a woman

Looking like a woman is scary for me. I've always been afraid to have a woman's body because my body wasn't protected the way that it should have been. I have difficulty setting boundaries for myself and as a result I have been hurt many times. My boundaries have been crossed and I'm afraid that my body is the reason that's happened. But it's not. 

For the past few months since I gained to a healthy weight I have wrapped my chest in ace bandages. I didn't feel safe in a curvy woman's body. I felt that I couldn't go outside without being wrapped up. I felt unsafe with a woman's figure; afraid I would get hurt. 

On Monday something in my head switched.  It was my first day of school and I wanted to feel as normal as possible. I decided to leave the house without binding my chest and you know what? I've gone three days wearing clothes that for my body and no wrap. And I am safe. In fact it's probably more normal for a woman my age to have curves and a chest than it is to have no chest at all. It's occurred to me that not having a chest might even be weirder than having a chest.

I know it sounds silly..: being afraid to have a woman's body, but for me it's a real fear. I have been hurt so many times and forever I truly thought that it was my fault and that my body was to blame. I know now that my body is not the problem. The people who hurt me were attracted to my insecurities. And now I am more secure with myself, more confident, stronger and healthier. I can set the boundaries I need to stay safe. I am a woman not a little girl. I can defend myself now. 

My body is not to blame. I can look like a woman and be safe. 

First night success!!!

Well I spent a night solo and it went well!! It was so nice to have some space to myself: to have my snack and take a shower and watch my tv shows and just relax. I am so excited to officially be in independent housing!! I am ready.

Only 5 days left until freedom! It seems SO far away but I know it will come fast. Just today of groups, tomorrow petco  and a beach outing, and then the weekend and then school and then I'm free!! So exciting!!!

Ready for the day :) 

A taste of independence

Well, I'm spending the night in independent housing, and I AM SO EXCITED!! A little taste of freedom is so nice and reminder that I will be fully independent in just 5 days!! At the house I am currently living at there are staff members 24 hours a day. In independent housing there is no staff, just clients, and we do everything ourselves. Staff members come to the house to supervise taking medications, and throughout the day there is one to one support, but other than that I am free!! I can go to bed when I want (after medications) I wake up myself (in time for medication) and the rest of the day is up to me. I will go to school, go to groups, go to Petco and volunteer, and I will be in charge of my life. I will still have lots of therapy and groups, but I will have more freedom. And that makes me feel good.

Six months ago I was terrified at the thought of living alone without supervision. I was so afraid that I would go to bed and not wake up, or that I would wake up with cut marks, or that I would start purging again. Now I feel good. I don't feel like I want to hurt myself or that I don't want to be alive. I don't purge after eating and I haven't had that urge for a few weeks now. I haven't cut myself in months, my parts are safe. I am safe. It's taken a lot of work to get here, but I have made it. A taste of freedom and a taste of recovery. I am so grateful that I decided to turn my life around.

Tonight I will be able to relax after I take my medicine, have my snack and take my time enjoying it, take a shower, and go to bed when I want to. I won't have to deal with staff supervision. I am safe. It's up to me to do what I need to. And I'm ready!

I'm just so excited :) Can you tell?? haha
To new beginnings.

Bummed :(

I found out this afternoon that I won't be moving to independent housing until next Tuesday. It's only six days but it seems like SO far away. I was looking forward to moving this week. I've worked so hard. But I guess it's happening; just not when I want it to.

I'll make it through though. I will make it through the weekend, do my homework for school, go to petco, go to school on Monday and the it will happen! Six days until I am free. I can make it that long I'm just pretty disappointed.

This afternoon I have group and then family therapy. We are going to talk about me seeing my sister this weekend as it is a family weekend. I haven't seen my sister in 6 months which is a really long time. It will be awesome to see her :)

Big things are happening. They are happening slowly but they are happening. And I am excited. I can't wait!! Let the countdown begin!! 5 and a half days!!!

Too much coffee

I really overdid it with the coffee this Morning. I had two big tumblers full and now I'm shaky and nauseas. I need to be careful about how much coffee I drink haha. I just got out of my class and it went really well. I am learning basics right now... Scientific method and things like that. But the reading is interesting and my professor seems really knowledgable. Now I'm just waiting for the bus to get home. It looks like it's about to rain... I hope I don't get wet!!

It's overwhelming to be around so many people.. It seems like the campus is packed. I feel a little anxious about being around so many people, but im excited at the same time. Will I make friends? Will I find people I can hang out with and relate to? I don't know! I will have to put myself out there and risk making friends... But right now I'm just too shaky to do anything!  Waiting for this feeling to pass...

New day

It's a new day! Another day of class :) it feels like I was just at school. All I've had time to do is eat a snack and go to sleep and now I'm going back! It's exciting and refreshing to actually have a busy schedule and to be doing things besides going to therapy. 

Tonight I will be sleeping at a different house to practice living independently. I will be staying with another female client for a couple nights to test out sleeping on my own! I am excited!! This is the final step before moving into independent housing officially. My therapists want me to be as ready as possible I guess so they are transitioning me slowly. That way when I do move to independent housing I'll be 100% ready. It's a little frustrating and a slow process but I understand why my team is doing this.

I've packed my breakfast to eat at school because I'm just not hungry yet. Bagel with strawberry cream cheese and a plum and coffee with soy milk. Got to make sure I eat with this busy new schedule! I'll admit I'm really glad all my classes are Monday Tuesday Wednesdays because I get four days off. Time to decompress, do homework, therapy, play with kitties... All that good stuff :) 

Have a wonderful day!!!

Exhausted!

Between classes and therapy all day I'm exhausted! My class tonight was really great though. My professor is dynamic and engaging. We watched an amazing movie called "The Long Walk home" about segregation in the 50s in Montgomery Alabama. It had woopi Goldberg and was really a good story. This class is going to get pretty personal. We have a big assignment about our life and how we grew up. That should be interesting. I intend to make it as real and honest as possible.

Tomorrow is another early start and then I will have Thursday through Sunday off of school. I'll be working at petco Saturday Sunday but that's hardly work... It's more play. I'm glad I get a long weekend off. I will be grateful for the chance to rest a few days.

I'm ready for a big night snack and then bed! Tonight I'll be having oatmeal with banana and peanut butter. I'm so hungry! I had a sandwich during out class break but I  starving now! Can't wait to have a warm bowl of oatmeal.

Until tomorrow.

Life is busy!

Life is pretty crazy right now. School Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, petco on Friday and Saturday, and groups all week. I've gone from having basically no responsibilities to having LOTS to do! And I'm moving to independent housing so I'll have to pack up my stuff... And I write on my blog, and there's a family day on Friday and I might see my sister.... AHH! So much to do!!

But I can handle this. I love school and I love learning and my classes interest me. I look forward to studying for them and learning more about children and their development and growth. I get to study actual kids, which I love. I'm not too worried about the classes. But school is overwhelming! I'm back in the swing of things really all of a sudden!

Moving into independent housing will mean lots more freedom and also more work and responsibility. I'll be cooking more, I'll bee responsible for my medicines and more chores... But I'll have time to myself as well. No supervison all the time means more privacy and just a better, more grown-up feeling. I'm excited for the new freedoms and responsibilities.

I could cut back on the amount of time I work at petco, but the kitties make me happy! I don't want to cut out any time I might have to play with fuzzy friends :) I love my kitties and I've committed to volunteering so I will continue. It's mostly just playing with cats which I love. Easy job.

Lots of big things are happening AND I'm maintaining my weight and recovery. Of course my health comes first so I'm making sure to take care of that. I'll be bringing dinner with me to school tonight to eat on break or during class. I'll just pack a sandwich I think and then get a drink at school. I'm excited. Things are really exciting right now. I just have to stay on track and everything will contiue to be amazing!!