Some day I'll eat pizza

Tonight we had a New Years pizza party.... And I couldn't bring myself to eat any pizza. After a slip up earlier in the afternoon I just didn't feel I could eat pizza and make healthy choices. Now I am starving. Planning to have a big night snack to make up for lost nutrition. 

Goal for the new year: EAT PIZZA!! Every pizza party we've had I just not been able to bring myself to enjoy the food. I like pizza. I think it tastes good. But I guess it scares me. This year I WILL eat pizza. Pizza is really just bread and sauce and cheese... I eat all those things so what's the issue? I will make it a goal.

I don't know if I'm going to stay up til 12. It just doesn't feel very festive. I will go to sleep and tomorrow will be a new year. 2015... Wow. This year has been slow and short all at once. It seems like my birthday was yesterday... My suicide attempt feels like years and years ago. It's been a tumultuous year. But I'm alive and kicking. So bring on 2015 a year of health and a year of pizza.

Cheers!!!

Lunch

Today I decided to let myself have one of my favorite lunches… peanut butter banana grilled sandwich! So yummy and melty!! I haven't allowed myself much peanut butter… but today I went for it and my lunch is SO yummy!!! I could eat a whole other sandwich haha.

It's OK to let yourself eat food that is yummy. Don't be afraid! Eat that peanut butter! Eat the ice cream and chocolate and cake in moderation, it tastes so good!! You can allow yourself to taste delicious food :) Don't be afraid!

Tonight is a pizza party… not my favorite. I will try my best to join everyone and have a slice or two!
Again, happy New year!!!

Good morning!

It's a gloomy wet morning here. Good thing I have rain boots now! My uggs were not a good choice to wear in the rain a few weeks ago. This morning I have a house meeting, and then group, and then therapy… and then tonight we are bringing in the new year!! 2015 I can't believe it! This year has been so long and so short at the same time. where does time go???

Hope you all have a happy and safe new year :)

Trust

I need to have trust in my body. I really do. My body says it's hungry when it's hungry and I need to listen!! I will learn some day. After dinner I was still hungry… probably because I didn't have any carbs. I had a few pieces of chocolate because I was craving it. And that's ok! Dark chocolate is healthy right?

I calculated my calories for the day (I know I know I shouldn't have) but I was curious. And the number was MUCH lower than I expected. Proof, again, that I need to listen to my hunger cues. I can trust my body. I CAN TRUST MY BODY. If only it wasn't so hard.

Tonight I will have a yummy snack and enjoy what I'm eating and know that my body needs the nourishment and that it tastes good. Tomorrow I will eat what I need. I can do this.

Selfies

I have taken a few selfies lately. I was curious about how my body looks in photos, and the restul has been pretty shocking! It's clear that I am not seeing my body properly in the mirror… because the pictures show a person who looks different than what I see. It is curious to me, how distorted my brain can make things. Crazy brain. 

I am not going to post any of the selfies on here.. unless you are desperate to see them… becasue I don't feel that comfortable showing off my body to the world. I know other people show many pictures of themselves on blogs. I just don't feel that comfortable with it. So I won't be posting any of the pictures. But I did take them. 

Going to have dinner in a few minutes, and then maybe watch a movie tonight. I've started watching House again, so I'll probably watch that. It's a good show.. entertaining. 

It's rainy and gloomy here… hope you are all staying dry/warm!

Being creative!

We go grocery shopping tomorrow but until then we are out of lots of foods! No fruit, no soy milk, no oatmeal.... What's a girl to do??? I'll have to get creative. We do have raisins and bananas so I can eat those for snack. I may have a packet of oatmeal in the cupboard... Or maybe it's cream of wheat (yuck) and there are eggs in the house so that's good. I won't have any soy milk for my coffee tomorrow morning :( but that's ok I'll make do. I just have to get creative!!!

I think dinner tonight is salmon, rice, and veggies... Boring weekly meal. I will work to make food tolerable until we shop tomorrow!!!

The New Year!

I can't believe how close to the new year we are! Just another day of 2014 and then it will be a new year! 2015 I can't believe it. I think 2015 is going to be a good year. A whole year to keep being positive and learning and growing. I'm excited for the new year. This year has been hard. But things are looking up.

Goals for the new year:

- Complete another semester of school with good grades and enroll in fall semester

- Work as a preschool teacher this summer

- Start driving again!

- continue on my path to recovery

- Eating intuitively 

- Have no eating disorder behaviors

- Possibly find my own apartment

- Continue repairing things with my family

- Make friends

- Go to my best friend's wedding in June

- Spend time with my family 

What are your goals for the new year??

Vegetarian Shepard's pie

Vegetarian Shepard's pie

INGREDIENTS

• 1 carrot, diced
• 1/2 cup broccoli, chopped small
• 1/2 cup cauliflower, chopped
• 1/2 cup green beans
• 1/2 cup green peas
• 1/2 cup mushrooms, sliced
• 2 tbsp margarine + 2 tbsp
• 1/4 cup flour
• 1 cup vegetable broth
• 2/3 cup milk or soy milk
• 2 tbsp chopped fresh sage
• salt and pepper to taste
• 4 potatoes, chopped
• 1/4 cup soy or regular yogurt
• 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese (optional)

PREPARATION

Pre-heat the oven to 375 degrees.

Combine all the vegetables and steam just until tender. In a large saucepan, combine the steamed veggies, 2 tablespoons of margarine, flour, vegetable broth, soy milk and sage. Cook until the sauce begins to thicken and add a bit of salt and pepper, to taste. Set aside.

Boil the potatoes until soft. Drain and mash with 2 tablespoons margarine, yogurt and cheese.

Spread the vegetables in a large baking dish, and spread the potato mixture on top. Sprinkle additional parmesan cheese on top if desired.

Bake for 30 to 40 minutes or until lightly golden.

Still uncomfortable

Today has just been one of those days… a day where I've felt self conscious ALL day. Ugh. I feel ugly and gross and bloated and I'm just not comfortable. But has this affected my eating? NOPE. I have eaten everything I need to today, and I will still have my snack before bed. I am uncomfortable but I am not allowing it to get in my way. I'm doing this. I'm all in. But it's been hard.

Today I had family therapy. It went pretty well. I mean family therapy is never fun, but it went ok considering.

I made dinner tonight and if I may say so, it was delicious!! I made a vegetarian shepards pie… veggies in a broth with mashed potatoes on top.. I think I'll post the recipe! It was so tasty. I really wanted to take a second portion but I was afraid that it would lead to a binge. So I'm a little hungry :/ I know I'm supposed to eat until I am satisfied but it's hard. I don't want to go overboard.

I hope you all had a lovely day!

Uncomfortable

This morning I am very uncomfortable in my body. I feel bloated and ugly. But this feeling is temporary! In a little while I might feel just fine. I will wear comfortable clothes and continue with my day. No big deal. It's ok to feel ugly once in a while I guess. I just hope it doesn't last too long!

I don't have much going on today. A few therapy groups, family therapy, and cooking dinner tonight. I am making a vegan shepard's pie…. I will let you know how it turns out! I am pretty tired this morning so I think I'll rest for a few minutes before I get dressed and ready fort he day!

Happy Monday!

Keep fighting

Recovery is hard. I think trying to get into recovery is one of, if not the, hardest things I have ever done.  Every step of the way I've wanted to give up. I didn't want to gain weight. I didn't want to eat enough. I didn't want to drink water. I accepted that I would constantly be dizzy… that my clothes would be too big.. that I was shrinking into nothing. I felt comfortable in the sick role. It was familiar to me. I was the screw up and that's how it would always be. Well now I know differently. 

Recovery is SUPER scary. You have to soar far out of your comfort zone. Eating a little more, until you are actually satisfied. Drinking enough water to get your blood pressure up. Not over exercising. Being honest. Not sneaking around and purging after meals. Distracting through the agony that is the first phase of starting to eat again. And the first few weeks are pure hell. Swelling, bloating, feeling constantly sick.. but you can get past that stage into a new place where you actually feel GOOD. It takes a few weeks, yes, but it's worth the agony I promise. If you are struggling, take the risk…. get into recovery. I guarantee it's worth it. Not easy, but so worth it. 

What did I tell myself to get past the first weeks of hell? I told myself I just couldn't be sick anymore. I told myself I had no option but to get into recovery. If I continued on the path I was going a few months, I would have ended up in the hospital surely, and if I kept purging and harming myself I could have not survived. The reality is that eating disorders are deadly. If you keep restricting and purging and binging and self harming, you aren't going to live a long life, and it's going to be miserable. You have to tell yourself there just isn't another option. You have to get better. You have to keep fighting. 

I fight every day to do the right thing, and sometimes I mess up. But I don't allow those slips to unravel me. I think about what happened and I move forward. And overall I am doing well. I am closer to recovery than I've ever been… I feel it just within reach. Recovery is just within reach, and I am GOING to get there. I know I can. I've been sick for too long. It's time to make a change. 

I have to ACCEPT my new body, and no it's not teeny tiny. I am a curvy young woman, and that is ok. I have given up calorie counting… and I've given up excessive exercise. I am not purging or binging. I am eating my meals and snacks until I am satisfied. I'm doing this. Every day is a battle. In fact every meal is a battle. But I'm doing it. 

You can get into recovery. Take that leap of faith. 

Keep fighting.

Sunday!

Hello and thank you for reading! I notice I have more readers today :) That makes me happy. Today is a quiet relaxing day. I think I'm going to have lunch out with my mom, and I'm spending a little time with peers, but other than that not much going on! I'm listening to Annie and working on a needlepoint project.

Going to have breakfast in a little while… trying to decide what I want. So many delicious options! I was thinking about trying breakfast quinoa. Not sure yet.

Have a lovely Sunday!

Bad body image day

Today has been just a rotten day body image wise. I tried on some clothes at Target and they just didn't look right. That was the first time I've seen my body in a full length mirror for quite a while and it's a bit upsetting I guess? Just shocking to see my body changed. I felt like all day my jeans were sitting on me funny, I felt like my stomach was sticking out… just uncomfortable. But I came home and got into comfortable clothes and now I feel much better. A few months ago I bought a full length mirror and my therapists took it away from me. I wonder how I'd do with a mirror now. It would take some getting used to, but I want to know my body. Today was just uncomfortable. But I'm ok now.

And the thing that's great is… I didn't let my poor body image affect what I was eating. I had lunch at chipotle, which is delicious… I had a rice bowl! First time I haven't ordered a salad. Rice, black beans, sofritas (tofu), lettuce, salsa, corn salsa… really yummy! And I ate the whole thing and felt good :) I was satisfied, and that's how it should be. Not hungry, satisfied.

My dad and I spent the day together which was really nice… errands, lunch, and then went to see a movie.. Annie! and it was super cute movie. Really cheery and uplifting. The actors were good and the whole experience was just positive. I recommend it if you're looking for a sweet, uplifting movie.

Hope you all had a nice Saturday!

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday! I am going in to play with the kittens… again…. I love the kitties but three days in a row is a lot of kitten time! Lots of cuddling, lots of playing. I am not complaining.

I am spending some time with my dad today.. lunch and maybe a run to costco :) And then maybe coffee with my mom. Should be a nice day.

Have a lovely weekend!

Recovery

For a long time I was unsure about recovery. I wanted it but didn't want to gain the weight, didn't want to just eat, didn't want to stop purging. I wanted to be fragile, I wanted to continue with the lies and the secrets. And then something clicked a few months ago. It took another slip a few weeks ago for me to realize... I WANT RECOVERY!!!!

And here I am. I think I'm closer to being in recovery right now than I've ever been. Really! I am healthier now than I've been in forever. I'm eating intuitively for the first time in 5 years. I'm not purging but when I have small slips I pick myself up and keep going forward. I'm at a healthy weight, I've stopped counting calories... I'm drinking enough and have a balanced diet. Food tastes good and I can ADMIT that food tastes good. I can be ok with being hungry, not ashamed. I am confident that I'm eating what my body needs. And sometimes, just sometimes, I am ok with my body. More often than ever, in fact, I am ok with how I look. 

Recovery is scary because it's sooooo different from being sick. I've been sick for so long that being sick feels normal. Being sick is comfortable. Recovery requires me to go wayyyy outside of my comfort zone, every day, every meal, every moment. Fighting to do what's right when being sick is SOOO much easier. But I'm doing it. I'm fighting.

A year ago I was in a good place with my eating.. Although I was strictly following s meal plan. But I had one slip up with ourging and entered a rapid downward spiral. And I was not taking care of my parts. My sweet little parts who need love and attention, and my difficult, at times, see parts who are angsty and also need love. This year I'm taking care of all my parts. Making them feel like they matter. And because I'm doing that we are all healthier.

Recovery is hard. Really hard. But it's worth it because recovery is better than being sick. That I'm sure of. I'm on my way to health. Real, true, 100% healthy I KNOW I can get there. I can and will get there.

Never EVER stop fighting friends! Let's make 2015 the healthiest year yet!

Peace and love 

Abbi

Trusting my body

Today has been another weird day with food. We had a big community meeting from 12:30-2:00, right in the middle of lunch time! Annoying right? I think yes. I packed a sandwich with me to eat after the meeting, but I didn't get a chance to eat until 3:00. I was STARVING by the time I could eat. I had my sandwich, two cuties oranges, and a caramel machiatto at starbucks (which is my favorite drink right now) and then I was still hungry. So when I got home, I had an apple with a little peanut butter. I feel satisfied now, and will be ready for dinner out (sushi) at 6.

I have had to be flexible with my eating schedule, and that is ok. My hunger is real, and I need to TRUST my body when it says I need more food. My hunger is genuine and I need to listen to my stomach when it's growling. Being hungry is NOT a weakness. It is normal. And when you don't eat all day you're going to be hungry!! By 3:00 i was SO hungry, and being hungry like that is a danger for me because it sets me up to binge. So I ate. And then ate a little more. And that's ok. In fact it's good! I am listening to the hunger signals!!

This is a big step for me. I am so afraid of listening to my hunger. But I'm doing it now. I'm eating intuitively and I thought I'd never do that! No more meal planning, no more crazy measuring, just eating. And that feels good.

Listen to and trust your body. IT'S OK.

Relief

This morning I met with my dietician early. We had breakfast together, which is always nice. I got weighed and I was SO afraid that I've been gaining and she told me no, that I'm actually in a downward trend. This was shocking to me as I was certain I've been gaining. I guess I'm relieved. I'm not eating too much. In fact, I could stand to eat a bit more. I need to add more fat to my diet so that I'm not so hungry all the time, and I need to add to my snacks.

I have a few goals… whole eggs instead of just egg whites… adding more to snacks…eating more fat… I can do this I know I can! License to eat a bit more I guess. I know I shouldn't be relieved about my weight being down but I am. It means that I truly CAN trust my hunger signals. If I'm still hungry, I should eat. Not drown myself in tea and coffee… actually eat!

I am leaving for New Orleans in less than 2 weeks!! EEEEK!!!! I will have to be proactive about food while I am gone. First I need to make sure I pack food for the airplane, and then I will go grocery shopping with my grandma when I get there. I will continue eating what I need, and make sure I stay healthy while I am away. Traveling can be pretty draining, so I will make sure to get in enough.

Recovery is full of challenges. But when you are in it recovery is SO rewarding. I would say I am closer to recovery right now than I've ever been and that is really exciting. I think I can get to that place, where I am really truly healthy. I am working so hard to get there.

Keep fighting!

SO hungry!

Today has been a weird day with food… and I'm struggling a little bit with it. Breakfast wasn't until 11:30 and what I ordered was really pathetic at the restaurant. I got a tiny pile of egg whites, a few pieces of fruit and soggy toast. Really not appetizing. Then we went to a movie at 1:30 and nowhere was open to get lunch because of Christmas… I packed some cashews and a few gummy candies but didn't really lunch. Now I am STARVING so I'm having yogurt with blueberries and an apple. I will have dinner in a little while. I'm just afraid that being hungry like this will lead to a binge and I do NOT want that to happen. I will eat my snack, eat my dinner, and move on with my day.

On the other hand.. the movie was great! I saw Into the Woods and it was awesome! The singers were really talented and it was very entertaining. I'm glad I chose to see that one. I still want to see Annie… another day.

Hope you've had a lovely holiday!

Merry Christmas!

I don't celebrate… but Merry Christmas to everyone who does!! I hope you have a lovely day with family and friends and that you have lots of joy to share.

Holidays are hard… especially with all the food! I know I really struggle with potlucks and feasts. But food is part of the celebration. Challenge yourself, try something new today! You can do it! It's hard but worth it.

I am having breakfast out with my friends at 10… not sure what I'm going to order yet. I'll see what sounds good :)

Have a lovely, warm, joyful day!

I hate potlucks!!

I am at a Christmas potluck and I am not afraid to say that I hate potlucks!!!! All the food and people.... Just no fun. My stomach is all swollen from eating too many carrots and fruit salad :( I never do well when there are lots of food options. 

Tonight I will have a big, yummy snack. One day won't mess things up. 

Eating is imperfect

I have spent the last 5 years of my life meal planning… literally planning out every meal and snack the night before, or sometimes the week before. The past week I have started eating intuitively… I eat at the times I am supposed to, but I don't have what I'm eating planned out ahead of time. It's a huge relief! Having the freedom to choose what I want.

And eating is imperfect. Today, for example, we are having a big Christmas potluck at 3:00… weird time right? Yes. so I had a snack this morning, and then a latte at 1:00, and I will have lunch at 3. It is not normal schedule, but it works. Because in the end your body doesn't care when you're eating, it just cares that you ARE eating and eating a good amount. It doesn't matter what time. Food is food.

So I will eat at the potluck, and then tonight I will have dinner. It's confusing and I'll admit it makes me a little anxious… but I will eat and do my best. I am finding that I'm a bit bloated today and that is uncomfortable, but it doesn't mean I will eat less! Nope. I will eat what I need to take care of my body. I can do this.

This is not an exact science. I'm not using exchanges or calories to calculate what I've eaten. I just have to go with it and trust my body. I can learn to trust my body.

Again, happy holidays!

Happy Holidays

Happy holidays to anyone who is celebrating tonight and tomorrow! I won't be celebrating, but Hanukkah was very nice. I hope you all have an amazing holiday with family and friends and lots of love.

Today I am going grocery shopping bright and early! I like grocery shopping :) It will be super hectic because of Christmas I'm sure but gotta get groceries!

I have found that I am running out of things to write about on my blog. I write about my day, about my thoughts… but is there anything else I should write about?? Just wondering.

Have a lovely Wednesday and Happy Holidays!

It is ok

I just had dinner… I made it it was delicious. "Fried rice" quinoa with lots of vegetables and a salad on the side. It was really tasty, with soy sauce and ginger… super yummy. And after having my serving I was still kind of hungry so I ate some more veggies out of the rice. I felt guilty about eating those extra veggies.. I'm afraid I'm eating too much… but here is reality: I am not overly stuffed after eating, my clothes still fit… I am OK. I AM OK. Eating some extra vegetables and quinoa is NOT going to affect me. It is healthy food, nutritious energy for my body and that is good. Eating some extra vegetables is not binging. It is eating healthy. And normally. I am eating normally. And that is something I am proud of.

So I will not act on urges tonight. I am drinking tea, I am resting… I will have my snack later… and I will be ok. I will. I can trust my body to eat what I need. I don't have to burn off the calories I've eaten, they are healthy for my body. I CAN trust my body.

Panicking a little but I am going to be alright. I am stronger than my eating disorder. I am strong I am healthy. I can do this.

Obsession

I'll admit it… I am obsessed with body checking in mirrors and windows. Body checking is where you study and check out your body… and I am terrible about it. Every window, every reflection is my enemy. Some mirrors I feel fine. Some I feel huge. Some I feel terrible. Mirrors lie! They are all different and not very accurate. It's very frustrating though. I feel the need to study my body in each reflection and it's getting old! I've changed outfits more than once today, and I want to stop. I want to put on an outfit in the morning and feel ok in it all day. By the end of the day especially I am just miserable because I am bloated. But that is normal. Bloating is normal. If you eat throughout the day, you are going to look more bloated by the end of the day. It's not just me… it's anyone who eats throughout the day (that's everyone).

I am tired of obsessing over my body. It just isn't that important!! It really isnt! People who are care about me aren't going to care less because I weigh a bit more. nope. Real friends will not care.

I am going to make it a goal for the new year to be less critical of my body. I don't need to criticize myself in every reflection. I'm sick of it.

I can learn to love my body and you can too.
Hang in there.

Success

I saw my doctor today and everything went great! She is so proud of me for decreasing behaviors and my bloodwork is perfect :) I am doing really well! Overall I am in great health and I am very happy about that. I feel like this is a great success, as I have been sick for so long. I am FINALLY healthy.

And healthy is a GOOD thing. Healthy means I am doing things right. The idea of being healthy used to scare me but now I am proud to be healthy. Means I can do other things. I'm not that sick girl anymore. Nope. I'm strong and I'm fighting.

This is a new year of success, health and happiness.
Onto greater things.

A bit of frustration

Last night didn't go as I had planned… I baked cookies but it didn't end up well behavior wise. IT's ok. I moved forward. Just a bit frustrated.

It's Tuesday, I have group and therapy, and then a doctor appointment. Nothing special. I am not sure what to write, I feel kind of at a loss.

Hope everyone has a lovely Tuesday.

One day won't ruin things

I'm I have this idea that one day of eating a little more (like yesterday) is going to impact my weight. All day I felt "bigger" and I think it's all due to my thinking process. I ate cake yesterday, it was delicious, and that's okay!!! Food is energy and cake is four, sugar, egg... All things that are ok for the body. In fact they are good for you! One day of eating cake is NOT going to affect your weight. 

Tonight I plan to make cookies for my housemates :) sugar cookies! I have all the ingredients and it will be fun to have something to do. Cookies are not bad they are delicious. Everyone deserves cookies sometimes.

One day won't make a difference I promise. I have to keep telling myself this. I am ok. Cake is good. Not bad.

Good morning!

Good morning! I'm now 22 :) it doesn't really feel any different haha. But I am now a year older! I had  a really nice day yesterday. I am so lucky. This morning I get to lounge around in my pajamas because I am out of school for the next month. It is really nice to be able to stay in PJs, eat breakfast, watch TV shows and relax. I am grateful for the resting time. I'm not tired, but I feel a bit emotionally drained. It's nice to have some time off.

I am trying to decide what to eat for breakfast. I suppose I will explore the kitchen and see what looks good. It is SO nice being able to eat what I want when I want it. I can eat what I'm craving and that is super nice.

Happy Monday! Hope its a good one :)

Awesome day!

It's been an awesome, amazing, great day. I spent the whole day with my family and it was super nice! I am a very happy and very lucky girl ;)

Started off with my sister coming over to help me get dressed for the day. She did my make up which looked really nice! I had straightened my hair but I didn't like how it looked all day. I wore a flowery skirt and jean jacket. My sister is good at fashion, hair, makeup… I'm not haha. Luckily I have her!

Then we went to the mall. Crazy right before christmas but it wasn't too bad! First we went to build a bear and I made an adorable stuffed bear and got a sweater dress outfit for her. Very sweet. Then we went to Macy's and I got a new purse. Mine was old and not big enough. I am quite happy with the bag I ended up with and transferred all my things to the new bag right away! Exciting!

Then we had lunch at a place called the Tofu House. I had a stone hot soup with vegetables and tofu and egg. It was delicious. Then my sister and I got our nails and toes done. Mine are black with sparkles, my favorite :) I am so spoiled!

Then it was to my parents' house for snacks and movie. We started off watching Bridesmaids but I had forgotten how raunchy the movie was and it was TOTALLY inappropriate for my 14 year old sister, so we switched to Elf.

Then it was dinner time and my mom made a feast! Veggie stew, couscous, salad, green beans, bread, beets… so much food and it was all delicious!! Then after a short break it was time for cake. and YES I ABBI ATE CAKE! And it was SOOOOOO good. My sister made a carrot cake from scratch and she did an amazing job! I ate a whole slice and easily could have gotten a second piece, but I didn't want to push it. I had cake on my birthday :) Victory!

Then I opened my presents… WOW I am lucky. Pajamas, converse shoes, and a lovely package from a friend. I am so so lucky.

Now it's time for a night snack and bed as I am pretty tired out.
22 is going to be an awesome year I think :)

On to new things!

December 21st

Today is my birthday :) I am excited to spend time with my family, eat delicious food and cake, and have a great time. I can't believe I'm 22! Getting old haha.

Hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!

Last night of being 21

Tonight is my last night of being 21. Tomorrow is my birthday… a day I dread most years. But this year I am excited! anxious, but excited. Tomorrow is going to be a lot of fun. Build a bear, nails, lunch out, dinner at home… all good things!! I am going to eat cake! Eek!! I can do this.

It's been a crazy year… last January I overdosed and almost died. I went into the hospital - the ICUf or a week, psych ward for 2 weeks, and then 10 weeks at another hospital for eating disorder treatment. And then starting at Hanbleceya. I had a major relapse for a good 4 months, and then I got myself back on track. I started my blog. I started participating in family therapy and started repairing things with my sister. A lot has happened this year. To be honest I'm glad 21 is over. 22 is going to be good :) I just know it.

Until tomorrow! Sleep well friends!

Making yourself feel good

Today when I got home from Petco, I decided I would straighten my hair for fun. Now straightening my hair is kind of a big deal because it requires quite the time commitment… about an hour and a half. I realized there are no plugs in either of our bathrooms so I sat on the floor and tried to straighten by looking in my computer camera. It worked ok. My hair is now straight and silky soft shiny. It's a nice change from my curls every once in a while. It's nice to switch things up a little bit.

Tomorrow is going to be awesome! First my sister is going to come over to my house to help me get all dressed and ready. Then we are going to build a bear. Then we are getting nails done, going to lunch, and my mom will make dinner and cake at home :) She is making my favorite meal… veggie stew. I'm excited! And this will be my first piece of cake in a LONG time. Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, my favorite. I will eat my cake and enjoy it too!

Things are good. I am happy. Life is good.
Recovery feels AMAZING right now.

It's ok

This morning for breakfast I was hungry, so I had a bagel with some cream cheese, and yogurt with berries, and an egg white omelette. My first thought is WOW what is wrong with me??? But you know what?? I was hungry and I listened to my body and ate what felt right and THAT'S OK. It's OK to eat a little more if you're hungry. It's OK to listen to your body and eat. Eating is GOOD. Eating is healthy. Eating is not weak or lazy or wrong. Eating is part of life, like breathing or drinking water. Eating is part of being alive.

It's ok that I had a little more for breakfast. And I don't have to compensate later with smaller snacks or meals! NOPE! I am going to eat what my body needs and feel ok about it. And NO counting calories. Nope nope nope. I am stronger than my eating disorder. I am healthy. I am fighting.

Today will be a day where I eat what feels right. No restricting. I can do this.

Happy Saturday! And tomorrow is my birthday eek!! Looking forward to seeing my family :)

I am imperfect

Tonight was a spaghetti dinner. And when dinner came around I froze up. I couldn't get myself to take the pasta. What is wrong with me??? Why do I let my eating disorder win?? It's so frustrating. I want to be strong and I'm not always. I want to be successful and I'm not always. I am imperfect.

But no person is perfect. Everyone messes up, everyone makes mistakes... It's how you handle those mistakes and learn from them. I know for next time that I need to ground and feel more solid before going to an event where the focus is food. I need to make a game plan for serving myself and eating, not just hungrily watching everyone else happily eat their pasta. 

I am imperfect. And that's ok. I am human. I make mistakes. I learn.

Game Plan

I just met with my dietician and it went well. Had lunch, chatted about my week… and what we decided is that what I am eating is still restrictive. I am not eating enough to be satisfied, and am as a result setting myself up to have mini "binges" at night.

So game plan: NO restricting

I need to eat until I feel satisfied, and I need to eat a little more. It makes sense that I am bingy at night because I just haven't eaten enough throughout the day! It's simple. I need to eat a bit more throughout the day to stay healthy. My weight is fine. My clothes still fit. I feel, at least sometimes, comfortable in my body and I am no longer bloated or swollen. I am getting healthy, and this, not restricting, is another step toward 100% health.

Second goal: NO MORE calorie counting

I count calories obsessively both in my head and on my phone calculator. I've tried to delete the calculator app but it is stuck on my phone. Game plan: mess myself up while counting! Throw out random numbers to throw myself off track. Sing instead of count. Hum to myself distract…. calorie counting is totally, 100% unproductive. Waste of time. Stupid. Dumb. Unneeded. I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power not to count anymore.

This weekend is my birthday… and for my birthday I am going to eat cake!! My mom asked what kind of cake I want and I said carrot cake, as it's my favorite. With cream cheese frosting. I deserve to eat a piece of cake for my birthday. One piece of cake will NOT cause me to gain weight, explode, blow up… nope. It's cake, and I'm going to have some.

Lots of goals. I feel confident that I can stop restricting and start eating 100% what my body needs. I also am confident that I will be successful on my New Orleans trip with eating. My grandma can be challenging when it comes to food…. but I will go grocery shopping with her and it will be ok! I can do this!!! It's really really hard but I can do this.

Moving forward!!

Kittens!!!

Anxious/excited

I am anxious and excited all at once for my birthday! On one hand I'm super happy that I get to celebrate with my family. On the other hand I have a history of getting depressed on my birthday and don't want that to happen. I think I will be ok. But I am worried.

But this year is different from last year.  I have a lot of support, I have my treatment team and my family and I think I'm going to be ok. Last year I had my suicide attempt shortly after my birthday. That won't happen this year. I am stronger and I am safe. I will not sink like I did last year. I am strong.

Today I am going to play with kitties and then have lunch with my dietician. And then tonight is a spaghetti dinner with everyone and gift exchange. Not looking forward to spaghetti but I'll make it through. 

Have a good Friday! TGIF!

Dinner and 3rd night of Hanukkah

Tonight is the 3rd night of Hanukkah, and I am such a lucky girl :) I got some hair bands as a sweet gift from my parents and sister. I lit the candles with one of my friends who is Jewish, which is nice because I didn't want to light the candles all alone! It is nice sharing traditions with people. Today was an ok day. Therapy in the morning, which went pretty well, and then groups in the afternoon. One of the groups which is peer led was really intense today. I got pretty scared of some new clients and switched to another part.. but it was ok. Then I had treatment group which is a two hour group every Thursday. Boring. But ok. I'll say it again… I am TIRED of therapy. 

Then I came home and made dinner, which was simple but ended up really delicious! Pesto Caprese grilled cheese. I'll admit is was a challenging meal and I only had about half a sandwich, but I recommend the recipe! Really tasty! I loved the pesto and mozarella… kind of like pizza I guess. 

Here's the recipe if you're interested in trying!!

Looking forward to a delicious night snack :) Have a lovely evening!

Pesto Caprese Grilled Cheese

 

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Author: Audra

Ingredients

• bread
• butter, softened
• classic basil pesto
• grated mozzarella cheese
• sliced garden tomatoes

 

Instructions

1. Completely butter one side of each slice of bread.
2. Then spread pesto on the opposite side of each slice.
3. Next heat pan or griddle over medium heat.
4. Place one slice of bread on the griddle buttered side down.
5. Next layer with fresh grated mozzarella, garden sliced tomatoes, and top with a little more cheese.
6. Now add the remaining slice of bread, butter side up! Adjust heat as needed, and cook until golden brown, about 2-4 minutes.
7. Then flip and cook until golden brown on the other side, about 2-4 minutes.
8. Enjoy!

Body confidence

Today I feel good in my body. It's a weird feeling, actually being satisfied with how I look… and you know what?? It's AMAZING! I feel so free, light a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know this feeling probably won't last, but while I feel good I'm going to soak in all the goodness!! I wear clothes that flatter me, I don't have to hide my body. I am allowed to feel good in my body.

And YOU are allowed to feel good in your body. If you are having a body confident day, embrace it!! Don't feel like you're being vain or selfish. It is OK to feel good about how you look. You can embrace the positivity and hold it in your mind. Absorb it all and save if for the days when you feel crummy. It is OK to feel good. It really is.

I thought about taking some pictures of myself, but I'm not really into that. I could show off pictures of my body, but I don't feel right about it. My body is mine. I can feel good about my body and that's ok :) Being body confident is a GOOD thing. Embrace it.

I hope the rest of my day goes well. Going to have lunch in a few minutes.
Sending positivity :)

Bumps along the road

There are going to be bumps along the road. No person's recovery is perfect. I've had a few minor slips... But I'm ok. I am not letting it unravel me. I am strong. I can make mistakes and be ok. I think I need to eat a little more throughout the day to prevent myself from becoming ravenous at the end of the day. That should definitely help.

Breakfast this morning was really filling. Bagel with strawberry cream cheese, greek yogurt with berries, and coffee with lots of soy milk. Tasted good. I am really full which feels scary but I'm going to be ok. I have house meeting in a few minutes. My body knows what to do with this food... My body knows what to do.

Today I have house meeting, and then individual therapy, and then groups all afternoon. I am tired of therapy to be honest. I'd like a week off! And actually in just a few weeks I will get a week off!! I'm going to New Orleans!! A whole week of no therapy will be amazing. I will schedule check ins with my therapists... But other than that I'm free!! Can't wait!!

Hope you all have a lovely Thursday. Almost the weekend! 

Haven't written all day!

I'm sorry I haven't written all day! I've been busy I guess. This morning I went to Petco and played with kittens. There are 7 kittens right now, it is like a whirlwind of cats! And I'm not complaining :) I thoroughly enjoy the kitties. They are so beautiful and playful and sweet. Purring is a wonderful sound.

I spent some time with a friend in the afternoon and then went home for lunch and then went back to the center for groups and family session. Family session went pretty well. And we ended the session by lighting the Hanukkah candles and singing and opening gifts. I got a lovely scarf :) And I gave my sister the necklace I bought her. Overall a good session.

Then tonight we had a "girls night" at one of the other houses. It was really fun. We decorated sugar cookies and danced and laughed and had a really great time. Good end to the day.

Right now I'm eating snack and I think I will go to bed early as I am feeling pretty tired. I'm super hungry right now… I don't think I ate enough today. I'm having a Trader Joe's bran muffin, an apple, and a banana, but I am ravenous and want to eat everything in the house haha. I will try and refrain.

Hope you all had a lovely day. Until tomorrow :)

Happy Wednesday!

Hello and happy Wednesday! The rain is gone and it's sunny out :) yay. My boots are soaking wet still but that's ok. Today I am going to play with kitties at petco, hanging out with friends, I have a few meetings, and then family session. I am excited because my parents are going to bring a menorah so we can light the candles together. It will be nice to celebrate as a family. I have a gift for my sister… I don't know if I'm going to give her the gift tonight or Sunday on my birthday. I will decided today. 

I am trying to figure out what I want for breakfast and I'm feeling kind of fickle. Not sure what I want to eat.. I will have to scavenge around the kitchen and decide what I'm hungry for. That's the nice thing about eating intuitively :) Deciding what sounds good. 

Hope you all have a lovely Wednesday!

Happy Hanukkah!

To everyone who celebrates… Happy Hanukkah! A time to celebrate with family and friends, to play dreidel, eat latkes and light candles.

Hope you enjoy this festive time of year :)

Gloomy day

Today it is gloomy and rainy and my ugg boots are soaked through! So uncomfortable having wet feet. I am a San Diego girl, totally not ready for all this rain! I did live in New Orleans where it rains a lot so I'm kind of used to it. I like the rain, just when I'm inside watching it not walking through it. And since my transportation currently is walking I have no choice but to get wet. Luckily I have an umbrella now!' Thank goodness for that!!

Food is going well today I think. I've eaten according to my hunger. I am a little hungry now as I had a small snack but I think I'm going to wait for dinner in an hour and a half. We are having salmon... I am not technically vegetarian I  pescatarian as I still eat fish. Not eating fish would just limit me so much. I feel ok about eating fish. Although someday I will probably be strict vegetarian.

I'm a few minutes I have to go back into the rain to walk and get my meds so iv going to warm up for now!

Be healthy!!

For a long time I was scared to be healthy. I thought that if I wasn't sick anymore I wouldn't be loved and get attention from people in my life. I thought if I was sick I would be taken care of. But that is NOT the truth.

Now I am healthy. I am not perfect but I am healthy. And it feels AMAZING. I now know I don't have to be sick to be loved. I can be healthy and receive POSITIVE attention from people who care about me. I don't have to be in the hospital or wasting away to be cared out. I am strong. I am a fighter. and I am loved.

If you find yourself hesitant to be healthy, don't hesitate any longer!! GO for it! Being healthy and strong will set you free. It's time. Today is the day. You can CHOOSE to be healthy. You can do it today. never ever give up on yourself.

Tuesday Morning

Good morning! It's Tuesday and a new day!

Last night did not turn out how I would have liked… but that's ok. Today is a new day, a new beginning and I am facing the day head on! Breakfast was a cinnamon raisin bagel with pumpkin spice cream cheese (tastes like pumpkin pie :)) and an omelette and peaches. Really yummy. I am still a little hungry but I'm going to wait it out for snack at 11.

This morning I have group and then therapy… and then I am going to chat with my friend from Michigan! When she actually has time to chat it is very exciting. I miss her a lot.

I hope you all have a lovely day!

Recipe to try

I found this recipe on Pinterest and I really want to try it!!

PEANUT BUTTER CHOCOLATE CHIP GRANOLA

 

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PREP TIME

10 mins

COOK TIME

20 mins

TOTAL TIME

30 mins

 

6 ingredient crispy peanut butter granola sprinkled with dark chocolate chips! Simple, fast and seriously satisfying.

Author: Minimalist Baker

Recipe type: Granola, Breakfast

Cuisine: Vegan, Gluten Free

Serves: 10

INGREDIENTS

• 3 cups + 2 Tbsp rolled oats (gluten free for GF eaters)
• 2 Tbsp organic cane sugar (or sub granulated)
• 1/4 cup olive, grape seed or melted coconut oil
• 1/4 cup creamy natural salted peanut butter
• 1/4 cup maple syrup, agave nectar (or sub honey if not vegan)
• 1/3 cup dairy-free dark or bittersweet chocolate chips (minis would work great, too!)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 340 degrees F.
2. In a large mixing bowl combine oats and sugar. (Note: this helps add an extra crispiness to the final product and sweetens it up a bit more. But if you're sugar conscious, it's optional. However, I recommend it!)
3. Warm peanut butter, oil, and maple syrup or agave in a small skillet or saucepan until thoroughly combined and pourable.
4. Pour over oats and quickly toss/stir to combine. If it appears too wet, add more oats (mine was just right).
5. Spread evenly on a large baking sheet (or two small baking sheets) and bake for 18-22 minutes, or until evenly golden brown. Watch closely as it tends to brown quickly near the end. IMPORTANT: Toss once around the 15-minute mark to ensure even baking.
6. Remove from oven, toss gently to release heat and let cool completely on the pan.
7. Transfer to mixing bowl or storage container and add chocolate chips (optional) and stir or shake.
8. Eat with almond milk - my favorite. Sliced bananas take it to the next level.
9. Will keep fresh for up to two weeks. Freeze after that.

Successful dinner

Dinner was quite delicious tonight!! Full of veggies and a nice rich sauce. I give the recipe 5/5!! If you want to try here's the recipe :)

Vegetable-Loaded Pasta Bake

Vegetable-Loaded Pasta Bake

Ingredients

8

ounces dried whole wheat penne pasta (2 3/4 cups)

2 1/2

cups cauliflower florets (1/2 medium head)

1

medium onion, chopped

2

cloves garlic, minced

1

tablespoon olive oil

2

medium carrots, sliced

1

stalk celery, chopped

12

ounces kale, stems removed, leaves torn (12 cups)

1/2

cup frozen peas

1/2

cup frozen whole kernel corn

2

tablespoons butter

2

tablespoons all-purpose flour

1/4

teaspoon salt

1/4

teaspoon ground black pepper

1

cup fat-free milk

4

ounces extra-sharp cheddar cheese, shredded (1 cup)

2

tablespoons finely shredded or grated Parmesan cheese

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In a large Dutch oven cook pasta according to package directions; add cauliflower during the last 4 minutes of cooking. Drain; rinse. Set aside.
2. In the same Dutch oven cook onion and garlic in hot oil over medium heat for 2 minutes. Add carrots and celery; cook justuntil carrots are tender. Add kale; cook just until wilted. Stir in pasta mixture, peas, and corn.
3. For cheese sauce, in a small saucepan melt butter; stir in flour, salt, and pepper. Add milk all at once; cook and stir until thickened and bubbly. Reduce heat; add cheddar cheese. Cook and stir until melted. Stir sauce into pasta and vegetables. Transfer to a 2 1/2-quart casserole. Bake, covered, for 35 minutes. Uncover; sprinkle with Parmesan. Bake 5 minutes more.