Uncomfortable

Tonight we are having a big Halloween party with pizza and candy and I just can't bring myself to eat any of it :( I'm afraid that if I start eating pizza I just won't be able to stop and I'm finally doing well and I just don't want to take away all my progress. I will eat later. I know I should eat what's at the party but I just can't. I hate this.

Some day I will eat pizza and candy and not feel guilty. Some day I will be free. But it's not today. 

Some day.

I just don't trust my body

I don't trust my body. I had lunch today and after I ate I was STILL hungry. This just freaks me out! I don't WANT to be hungry. I want to feel satisfied, I want to know that what I'm eating is enough. I feel like I can't trust my hunger cues. I feel like I just can't trust my body.

So I've made a commitment to my dietician not to purge today. I feel very uneasy about this. I want to binge SO badly right now and tonight will be pizza and candy which I am  pretty anxious about. Pizza has been a big binge food in the past. And I'm afraid that if I have one piece of candy I won't be able to stop.

But I can do this. I am drinking coffee and I will have my snack in group, and I can do this. I can. I am stronger than my eating disorder. I am bigger than being sick. It doesn't matter that I'm bloated and uncomfortable, I need to push through. As I eat more consistently I won't be so bingy. And I skipped my snack this morning so it makes sense that I'm hungry.

Life goes on. I can do this.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!! Are you dressed up? I am dressed as a Raggedy Anne doll. Makeup and all. Fun! Today I am seeing my dietician and tonight I have a Halloween party. There is going to be pizza and candy… big challenge! But I am determined to stay healthy. And it's OK to have pizza and candy. Both are super tasty!!

Breakfast was a bagel with peanut butter. I find that bagels and sandwiches are the easiest thing to eat right now… not too filling. Helps me feel less full.

Until later and have a BOOtiful day!

Day 1 of success

Today was a GOOD day. I made it through 100% behavior free!! How did I do it? I don't know. But I did. No restricting. No binging, no purging. A day of success! I'll admit it doesn't feel so good right now. My stomach is bloated and hurts. But I feel proud of myself.

After dinner was risky because I was still SO hungry. I made chicken and quinoa and it tasted really really good and I wanted to eat so much more. But I drank a few cups of decaf coffee with lots of sweetener and I was able to get through the binge urges by distracting and doing school work. I wanted to go out and get ice cream, but I thought about it and decided it just wasn't worth it. And I made it through :)

Tomorrow is another new day where I can be successful! And it's Halloween so extra fun :) I will be dressing up as a rag doll… I will try to post pictures.

Have a great evening!

So far it's a good day!

So far I have had a good day! I am eating lunch as I type and I'm feeling confident that I can make it through today successfully. I have groups all afternoon and then I'm cooking dinner tonight. All healthy, nutritious, tasty food. Things are good. I can do this.

I went grocery shopping, which I find really fun. And we finally have pickles in the house which I have been craving like crazy!

Just wanted to check in and say I'm doing ok :)

Until later!

Today is the day

Today is the day. The day where I am finally going to be successful. It doesn't matter how urgy or how uncomfortable I am, I will fight through. It's the first few days that are the hardest t get through and then it DOES get easier. It's just these first few days of hell. But I know I can make it through these few days.

Because really, what's the point of having eating disorder behaviors? Where does it get me? It gets me nowhere except in trouble and in the hospital. And I do NOT want to end up there. Yesterday at the doctor I was already orthostatic. My blood pressure is showing I am dehydrated as a result of my behaviors. Now it's not too serious yet but If I continue on this path I will get sicker. I can't afford to be sick! I have school and volunteering and so many good things I'm looking forward to! I want to drive and be independent. I have to PROVE I can do these things. And that means eating and retaining the nutrition.

So today is the day. Breakfast was toast with peanut butter and strawberries. Nutritious and healthy and tasty! I deserve to keep down this meal: my. Key needs it! I have an early group to distract and then therapy and then grocery shopping. So I'm distracted all morning which is good. Today is the day. I can do this.

Progress

Well today was good, at least the middle part of the day. Got through lunch and snack, and dinner. And had a big cup of coffee after dinner. Unfortunately I had a mini "binge" around 8 and that didn't end well. The day did not end well. But I think I made progress. I did not fall apart throughout the middle of the day. I stayed strong. I still believe I can do this.

Tomorrow is another day. Another new start. And I know I can be successful. I believe I can do this.

Good night friends. Until tomorrow.

Back on track

I have decided, right now, to get back on track. I had a delicious big salad at Whole Foods and it was SOOOO yummy. Lots of veggies, lettuce, beets, carrots, tomatoes, roasted garlic, garbanzo beans, tofu, and raspberry dressing. SO good. I ate a big salad, and you know what? I feel GREAT! No urges, no bad feelings, just satisfied and relieved that I am back on the right path. I am confident that I can do this. I can do this. 

Today I have family therapy. My mom is bringing me my halloween costume and some winter clothes because it's been getting a little chilly in the morning. Hopefully therapy with my family won't be too intense. I don't think I'm up for too intense. 

So I'm back. I am BACK. 

Wish me luck

What is wrong with me??/

WHY can't I get myself together?? Why can't I get back on track? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? I am beyond frustrated. Angry. Livid. I am miserable. This eating disorder stuff is NOT making me feel any better. It is not making me feel relief, it isn't making me feel successful. It's making me feel like a loser and a failure and I'm DONE. I can't do this anymore.

I am not even going to try lunch. I feel like it isn't worth it. I have a doctor appointment this afternoon and I will be honest. My doctor will be so disappointed in me. She wants me to do well. I am so angry at myself.

I will have my snack this afternoon in group. I will have dinner. This is nonsense. I can't handle being a failure any longer.

It's ok to eat peanut butter!

Lately I have been craving peanut butter like crazy. And this has lead to me over eating peanut butter in kind of mini "binges." So this morning I packed a peanut butter banana sandwich for breakfast. It is on my meal plan, it's yummy, it's nutritious, and it is OK to eat peanut butter! It really is. All foods fit into a healthy diet. It's true. Peanut butter, chocolate, ice cream... It all fits. It's all nutritious and it tastes great!

When I'm sick I don't want to allow myself foods that taste good. I feel I don't deserve to enjoy my food. Well I'm here to say this is nonsense! Food is essential to survive and why not have it taste good at the same time? All people deserve to have good food and that includes treats. 

This morning I will enjoy my peanut butter banana sandwich because I deserve it. Food is wonderful if you allow yourself to eat it without guilt.

What fun foods are you eating today?

Binging or extreme hunger?

Today I found myself scarfing down two peanut butter sandwiches. It was all I could think about. That I was SO hungry. The sandwich thing didn't end well. But it made me wonder... Is this binging? Or is this extreme hunger?

 I have read about the extreme hunger, a phenomenon where Someone in eating disorder recovery gets really really hungry.  And then there's binging - eating to soothe or bury an emotion. What is going on with me?

I'm thinking its extreme hunger...or maybe a combination of hunger and binging. I am genuinely hungry. Probably because my body really isn't getting any nourishment. I am not retaining my meals and I am not in any way meeting my exchanges on my meal plan. I'm thinking that I probably am really hungry and my body is trying to convey this message. Unfortunately it's in the form of "binging" which never ends well for me.

So the question is what do I do? How do I resolve this problem? Basically I need to eat. I need to eat my meal plan and keep that nourishment down in my body. As I start eating more regularly my body will not get into panic starvation eat mode. I am almost certain that following my meal plan will resolve this issue.

I've been making meal plans. And I do eat what I've planned, at least most of it. It's after meals that is the major problem. Maybe I will reach out to my house mates to see if they are willing to distract me and hang out after meals.

Tonight I am having dinner at school so I will be distracted by class. I only packed a hummus sandwich and carrots and snap peas. I've been craving salt and vinegar chips like crazy. Maybe I will treat myself to a bag. Because I deserve it and I have not eaten nearly enough today.

One step at a time. Step 1: follow meal plan. Attack and conquer.

Stay strong my friends.

Believing in myself

It seems that right now the people in my life have more faith in me than I have in myself. Both my therapists have told me that I really haven't slipped back too far and that they have no doubt I will get back on track, and my dietician said the same thing. They believe I can do this. That I can get back on track and be ok.

The problem is that I'm having trouble believing in myself. I feel that I have fallen on my face, that I'm a zillion steps backwards, that I have failed. I don't feel like I can get myself together. I feel lost and hopeless :(

But I CAN do this. I can do this. I have done it before. I am more determined than ever. Breakfast and lunch were not a success. But I am meeting some friends for frozen yogurt and I will enjoy it and keep it down. I will spend the time with my friends and not focus on freaking out about having a treat. It is my decision to get back on track. My choice. My job. And I can do this. I keep saying it and I know it's getting old. I'm just trying to convince myself that I can turn my act around.

Tonight is school. Dinner in class so hopefully that will be a good distraction. I am going to focus on really condensing my foods to make eating easier. Any moment is a chance to start over. I still have time. I can do this (sorry again).

Moving forward. Keep rooting for me!

I CAN do this

I know I can do this. I can make it a good day. I can eat and keep it all down. I KNOW I can do this. I've done it before. I am 100% capable of being healthy. Breakdast has gone well so far. Greek yogurt, strawberries and granola. And coffee. I am doing ok with it. But breakfast has been going fine. It's lunch when the problems begin.

I am going to try my hardest today. It's a new day. A chance to be successful. And I know I can do this. I am determined! 

I will succeed. I am back on track.

Wish me luck.

More Failings

Feeling like an utter, complete, total, miserable failure. I have not done well with eating. At all. I am so upset. I feel really angry with myself. I am letting myself down. I am failing. I am so sad. My stomach is growling. Dinner tasted good, but I couldn't keep myself together. What is wrong with me??

Putting things in perspective. I am doing MUCH better than I was a few months ago. I took several steps forward and now I've taken a couple steps back. So overall I am still moving forward. It is hard to accept that I am in the midst of a mini relapse. But I can turn things around. I know I can. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I want to be strong and healthy. I want to feel proud of myself at the end of the day. Not angry. Not shot down. I want to feel proud again. Eating is uncomfortable. But this feeling of failure is even worse. Ugh. I suck.

Tomorrow is a new day. I can do this.
I am NOT going to give up now.

Quest bars

After reading about quest bars and seeing them in my school shop I decided to try them. And I have to say... I am a little disappointed! The cinnamon roll flavor was really yummy. But then I tried fudge brownie and today cookie dough and they left a really bad taste in my mouth. I had to wash my mouth out! The bars are expensive. Very expensive. And I don't know if I think they are worth it. I still want to try the cookie and cream flavor.  If I try it I'll let you know how it tastes.

I have been on a diet soda kick lately, mostly because my stomach has been queasy and the bubbles help me feel better. I drank diet 7 up yesterday and coke zero today. Not the healthiest. But a few days of diet soda won't kill me. They do taste good.

It was nice being back at school and learning. I have a quiz that is due Wednesday. Hopefully that will go well. On the bus home now.

Hope you're having a good day!

Back to school!

Today I am back to school and I'm so glad! I love going to school. I had a panic attack this morning. I don't know if it was school related. But I feel glad to be back in classes. 

Eating yesterday went ok. Not as well as it could have been. Dinner and snack at night went ok. The middle of the day didn't go so well. But overall I did better. Today is another new day. I can do this. Breakfast is a peanut butter banana sandwich and coffee with soy milk. I'm trying to eat foods that are condensed and don't make me feel too full. Still eating pretty bland foods which is fine. I miss spicy foods though!

Anyway, today is another new start. I can make healthy choices today. I'm sorry I've been MIA! I am back now :)

Have a lovely day!

Determined

Today is going well so far. Made it through breakfast and snack, and haven't counted calories. I think not counting calories will help me get back on track. I am determined! For breakfast I had a bagel with cream cheese, greek yogurt and berries. Snack was a nature valley bar. And it's all stayed down. I'm pretty uncomfortable but I know I can work through this.

I am meeting up with a friend before lunch and then back home to rest. I'm still not 100% yet and I am excited to get back to school tomorrow so I want to be ready. I'm hoping eating will go well today and then I will feel better tomorrow morning.

Lunch will be a baked potato. I'm still keeping it bland and simple. I will get through today. One meal at a time one hour at a time. I can do this.

Have a great day!

Harder than I thought

Getting back on track has proved to be harder than I thought it would be. Today has not gone well. I desperately want to eat. I am SO hungry. But I have not been allowing myself what I need and I have not been allowing myself to keep things down. I am so disappointed in myself. I need to get out of this hole, this bump in the road. I know I can do it. I'm just frustrated.

Plan:
Tonight I will have a big snack before bed and then get in bed and NOT get up. I need the nutrition. Maybe I will had an ensure. Maybe I will just make sure it's a big snack.

I will make my meal plan for tomorrow. It will be what I need.

Tomorrow I will FOLLOW my meal plan. No exceptions. Anything I don't keep down or do not eat will be substituted with an ensure (need to remember to get more of those).

Stay out of the bathroom and around people tomorrow.

I can do this. I know I can.
Game time.

Fighting

It is harder than I thought it would be to get back on track. My urges are through the roof… it is a really big challenge to eat and keep things down. Physically I think my body is ok, but emotionally I am afraid of getting sick and am kind of "convincing" myself that I don't feel well. Why did I have to get sick:??? Seems very unfair.

But I made it through breakfast, and now I have distraction until snack. I am doing this. I am on track. This is good. I wish it was easier. But it isn't. I have to fight. I am fighting.

Today I see kitties in the morning and then I really don't have much going on. I think I'm going to have coffee with my mom. Maybe I'll get a pumpkin spice latte mmmmm. I had one a couple weeks ago and it tasted really good. It is definitely a treat. Really sweet, a little too sweet for my liking, but still really good.

Alright I'm off to see kitties. Have a lovely day!

Frustration

So I did REALLY well all day. Eating, drinking, keeping things down… and then after dinner my stomach got really upset. I am SO frustrated!! All I want to is to have a normal day of eating and feeling ok, and not having panic attacks and freaking out and getting sick. NOT FAIR. I am beyond frustrated.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new start. I get to play with kitties and I get to eat healthy and keep it all down and feel GOOD. My therapist said me getting a stomach bug is like dropping an alcoholic in a bar. I need to get out of the bar. Today I stepped out. Tomorrow I will officially leave.

Tonight I will have a big snack and curl up and go to sleep. Poptarts (really easy on the stomach) banana, soy milk… easy on the stomach and delicious! I am looking forward to it. Being able to eat and keep it down is wonderful. Small pleasures.

Good night. It's been a tiring day. Tomorrow is a fresh start.

I am BACK

Today I am BACK in business. No more messing around. No more set backs. I am back on the horse. Back on track again. This feels uncomfortable but I am excited to not be so hungry all the time. For breakfast I had a bagel and for lunch I had a slurpee, raspberries, and chicken noodle soup. It tasted good. I'm really full now but I'm hoping it will pass quickly. I am going to try to rest for a while and let everything digest.

I'm so relieved that I'm being healthy again. Looking forward to truly feeling better.

Getting back on track

Today I had therapy and groups. Back in the swing of things. I am determined, 100% to get back on track. Tomorrow I see my dietician and will get myself back on the road to health. I am a VERY very determined person.

My therapist has faith that I can get back on track and that feels nice. Someone actually believes in me. This has been a minor setback. I can totally get back in the right direction.

Sorry for the lack of posts. I am not sure what to write, as nothing has been happening in my life and I've been in kind of a slump.

Only way to go is forward!

I'm back

Today is a new day. A day to be successful. So far so good. I haven't eaten anything yet, but I will. It is time to turn things around. I am ready.

I have therapy this morning. Hopefully it will help me put things in perspective. I am so tired of being sick and I don't want to go any further backwards than I already have.

I don't have much to write. I'm trying to move forward. The only way to go is forward.
I am tired. Will write more later.

I've lost perspective

I am here to admit it… I have lost perspective. I no longer am in a healthy mindset. I have fallen off the bandwagon. I am so sad and disappointed in myself. I am not eating right, not keeping things down… I had a terrible night. The antibiotics that I started taking upset my stomach and I was sick all night. I slept on the bathroom floor. I was miserable and woke up weak and tired. But I was determined to keep everything down today.

Well I've failed. I drank only tea all morning, and everything I've eaten since then has been a whirlwind of failure. Soup, peanut butter sandwich, milkshake… I've eaten all the good foods my body needs and I haven't allowed my body to absorb the nutrition :( I feel like such an utter failure.

Things change now. I will eat a snack at 3:00 (in 15 minutes) and then I will eat something for dinner. Ugh. I am starving. I am miserable. I am sick.

Must must MUST get back on track. There is no other option. I NEED to get back on the healthy path. And I know I can do it. I can start eating and keeping it down again. I can can CAN. MUST. I am stronger than this. I am stronger and braver and bigger than my eating disorder.

Anyone have words of wisdom or advice? I really could use it right now :( Anyone out there? I am so lonely and so lost. I am so disappointed in myself. Is anyone out there?

Sick of being sick!

I am so tired of being sick! I want to go to school. All I want to do is go to school. But I can't because I am still technically contagious and need to rest. Ughhhh. I am exhausted!!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. 

Greetings

Greetings!!

Today I am feeling much much better but I still had a fever this morning, so I am still contagious, so I am stuck in the house. I am getting stir crazy!! My mom did come by for lunch, which was nice. I am drinking lots and lots of tea, and am hoping that I will be up and ready to go to school tomorrow morning.

Eating….. not going so well. The problem is I can't tell if I'm nauseas because I'm sick or because I am anxious. I am panicking about starting to eat normally again. I really am nervous. Ahhhh how do I get back on track?? I feel miserable! I'm not hungry, I know I need to eat. I need NEED to eat. I need to eat. I have bread and soup and all kinds of yummy things to eat. I know I can do this.

Trying to get back on track

Chicken noodle soup

Today I have eaten a little.. A banana and some miso soup and a bagel. I am not really hungry but I know I have to eat. When I get home from the doctor I am going to have a big bowl of chicken noodle soup: get in some nutrition, plus it tastes yummy. I need this food. I do not want to take steps backwards:

So this is me committing to eating some soup when I get home. Good for me and good for the soul!  I can do this I know I can.

Getting back on track!

Going to the doctor

Today I still have a fever and don't feel good so I am going to the doctor. I don't like going to the doctor… but my doctor is really nice. I feel crummy as ever and just want to get better. Ugh I hate being sick.

I will update later.

Have we fallen off the bandwagon?

I am feeling very confused. I have some kind of virus. I am sick. But the stomach issues…. am I being influenced by my eating disorder? I don't know. I notice I've lost some weight and I'm afraid that is going to send me into a tailspin. I'm really nervous. I don't know. I need to meal plan but my stomach feels so miserable. I have frozen an ensure plus to eat tonight, I will see how my stomach reacts to that.

I CAN get back on track I know I can.
Must move forward.

Getting better!

Today I woke up feeling crummy, but now I am feeling slightly better. Yay! The best part about being sick is the feeing of being better afterwards. It really is nice to feel better.
Today I have been able to keep down a banana, a Greek Yogurt, and miso soup. I tried a few fruits, but that didn't work too well. I will try a peanut butter sandwich in a little while I think. I really want to get better.

I realized that I was slipping backwards, down into that rabbit hole. I wasn't keeping things down… I wasn't eating, I was SO hungry. But I talked to my therapist. I do NOT want to go back to residential housing. I want to stay independent. So I have to eat. And eat well. So I am eating.

This is So hard. I feel like I've taken some steps backwards. But I am determined. Once I am feeling better I will get 100% back on track.  I can do this. I can. I have done it before.

Determined!!!
Happy Sunday :)

I'm alive!

This is me writing to say I am indeed alive! I have been rather under the weather, but I think I am finally starting to bounce back. I was able to get a dose of tylenol so my fever is down for the moment and I feel slightly better. My stomach is really upset and I have kind of given up on eating :( But I am determined to get back on track once I am feeling better.

I hope you are well! I will be up and writing more soon.

Feeling awful

I feel TERRIBLE. I have the flu. Cough, sneezing, upset stomach.. the works. I have no energy to do anything. I'm not hungry at all. I feel miserable. I am so tired. I just want to feel better! But I guess I will have to rest for a few days and then I will get better.

How to take care of yourself when you have the flu?
- Drink LOTS of fluids to stay hydrated
- Eat bland foods; toast, crackers, banana, applesauce
- Rest

That's basically all you can do. I feel miserable. But when I get better I will be so grateful!

sorry about the lack of posts lately. I haven't been feeling 100%.
Happy Friday!

Sick

Sorry for the lack of posts and updates on here. I have come down with a flu bug and have been in bed all day. Cough, stomach, the works. I have done absolutely nothing today.

I will try to update later if I am awake.

New day

I'm sorry for the negativity lately. I've been in kind of a funk. Not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going. Feeling really lost and sick and confused. But it's a new day. And another chance to start over.

Today I will be following my meal plan 100%. I tried yesterday but was ultimately unsuccessful. I did better than the day before... But not as well as I could have done. I still had behaviors and that is not ok. Today I will try my hardest.

And a few bad days does not make me a complete failure. I struggle. I mess up. I learn. I move forward: the only way to go is forward. I know I can do this. I just feel so sad and discouraged.

It's a new day. New start

I can do this.

I suck.

I suck.

I am a failure.

I am dumb.

I am a loser.

Ugh I just can't seem to get my act together. What is wrong with me????? 

I have nothing to report. I suck.

Looking forward to

Things I'm looking forward to. I want to motivate myself to be healthy, so why not look into the future!!

Go to university

Graduate college 

Go to grad school

Become a social worker

Meet a man and fall in love

Get married

Have kids and a family 

So many good things to look forward to. I am NOT throwing these things away by not eating right. It just isn't an option.

I WILL be recovered some day. Healthy and free. We can do this.

New day new start

Today is a new day, thank goodness, and I'm starting anew. No behaviors today. No cutting corners. I am 100% invested in my health. How will I do this? I am following my meal plan completely. No squirreling around and cutting things out. My whole meal plan. So I don't get overly hungry and go crazy. I am going to stay out of the bathroom for a while after I eat to be safe. I know I can do this. I am 100% certain I can do this. No calorie counting, no skimping, following my plan. My plan works for me. It is a good plan. 

Breakfast this morning is overnight oats with peanut butter, raisins, and granola on top. Yum! I will eat it slowly and enjoy it, drink my coffee.... It's going to be a good day. I know it.

Have a great Wednesday! Remember to NEVER give up on yourself. You can do this. Stay strong.

Relapse is NOT an option

Nothing feels right. I'm all out of sorts.... Binging, purging, restricting.. What is wrong with me?? I had been doing SO well. And now I feel as though I'm failing.

It could be emotional. I've been pretty stressed out with family stuff, school, therapy, volunteering..: I'm swamped. Or it could be physical. That I'm actually hungry. I have not been eating enough and I think that is setting me up for failure. I need to eat more. So at school I am going to buy a power bar to eat with my dinner. Try to make up for today. And then maybe an ensure Tonight before bed. I am doing EVERYTHING I can to get back on track. This will NOT be a relapse. Not an option. It just isn't an option.

Power bar, ensure, keeping down dinner. This is a promise. I promise to do these things. 

On a fun note... I had my first quest bar the other day and it was delicious! I'm going to have another one Tonight: they are pricey but that's ok. I can spare a few dollars.

I am getting back on track right now. No excuses no going back.

I can do this.

Drained

After a few days of eating poorly I am feeling petty cruddy. Tired, dizzy, low energy, bad mood: it's amazing how quickly things can go wrong. I need to catch myself before I head for real relapse. This is scary:

This morning for breakfast and lunch just didn't go well. I just had a latte which tasted really good and when I get home I will have another small snack. And then dinner at school. I can do this: I know I can. I just need to get motivated:

Making a commitment to stay safe the rest of today. Argh this is so hard :( root for me tonight.

Alternatives to binge/purging

Home > Eating Disorder Recovery

The first step to stopping binge eating is always to establish a pattern of regular eating of 3 meals and 2 to 3 snacks per day. All meals and snacks should balance nutrients and include all the food groups including starches and fats. When eating is restricted binge eating is more likely to occur.

Once you have established a pattern of regular balanced eating, you can start to learn to manage any continued breakthrough urges to binge. One good strategy is to have a list of things to do instead of binge eating. Keep the list handy so that it can be accessed whenever the urge to binge arises. Some activities may be possible in certain situations and conditions, but not others, so it is helpful to create a long list.

Below are some suggested alternatives you may find helpful and may want to include on your own list.

• Call a friend or your therapist and discuss what is happening.
• Go for a walk or leave the environment that is tempting you to binge.
• Write in your journal about how you are feeling at that moment.
• Try to get your mind on something else. Watch TV, read a book, do a puzzle, etc.
  

  Sit down and try to figure out the real reasons why you want to binge.

• Take a bath to relax or try some deep breathing exercises.
• Put on some of your favorite music, shut yourself in your room and dance and sing to it with your eyes closed.
• If you love music and have extra time, learn to play a few songs with an instrument and practice when you feel like bingeing.
• Go into a church or chapel
• Visit a friend
• Do some crafts
• Pamper yourself (i.e. polish your nails, get your hair done, get a massage, etc.)
• Take a yoga or a stress relieving class.
• Dream of your children laughing.
• Write a page long letter to yourself about how you are a good and worthy person.
• If you have a quote that gives you strength when you read it, recite it to yourself when you are feeling down.
• Draw or color a picture of something powerful.
• Get Together With Friends.
• Flush the food you are planning to binge on down the toilet.
• If you prevent a binge from occurring, calculate how much that binge would have cost. Put the money in a jar each time you succeed in not binging and use that money to do something special for yourself like getting a massage, buying a new outfit, etc.

  Get Together With Friends

• Trying playing with you dog or petting your cat if you have a pet. If you do not have a pet you might want to think about whether or not you want one. Pets have proven to be very helpful in calming and comforting people. I would only recommend getting a pet if that is what a person really wants and is willing to take on the responsibility of having one.
• If you enjoying gardening, get involved in planting a garden, etc.
• Rearrange or redecorate a room.
• Shout at your eating disorder. If you are standing at the cupboard or refrigerator about to binge, slam the door and shout NO! Shouting at your eating disorder will give you power.
• If possible, make it so you are unable to plan a binge. For instance, if you live with someone, make sure they do not tell you when they will be coming home.
• Take a walk
• Do a mindfulness meditation
• Take the money you were about to buy binge food with and buy something for someone you care about. Spend time picking out the gift, writing a nice letter to the person and sending it – by the time that’s done – the tide might have gone out.

If you have any suggestions that you feel would be helpful to someone trying to prevent themselves from binging/purging and would like it included on this list, please email us your idea and we will add it to the list.

A helpful resource is 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers PsyD

If you suspect that you are in a cycle of binge eating the first thing to do is tell someone close to you and ask for help and support. Secondly, seek a professional nutritionist or eating disorder therapist.

- See more at: http://www.mirror-mirror.org/altbin.htm#sthash.2K33MY77.dpuf

Urges

It seems that all I can think about right now is food: I'll admit that I have the house to myself today and I have every intention of "misbehaving" during that time. I don't want to to backward like that though! So I am here. And I am making s commitment NOT to act on eating disorder behaviors. I don't want to let whoever is reading down and I don't want to let myself down. I am stronger than this. I commit to stay safe. I will not fall further back than I already have.

This is so hard. I feel hungry all the time. I think maybe I should eat a bit more to prevent myself from getting overly hungry. Today I will follow my whole meal plan.

I know I can do it. This is just so hard. But bumps in the road are just part of the process. I can do this. I can.

Ups and downs

In life there are ups and downs. While

The past few days have not gone very well for me, I am aware of all the progress  I've made at the same time. I went from measuring everything to serving myself portions based on what I think I need. I stopped counting calories. And I'm eating more intuitively.

So I've had a bump in the road... That's ok. I haven't completely fallen off the bandwagon. I am still fighting. 

I talked to my dietician. It's possible that I'm not eating quite enough and that's why I've been so hungry. It's possible I need to eat a little more to be satisfied. So I will eat a little more.

The only way I can go is forward and that is where I will go. No turning back now! I am healthy. I am alive: I am not giving that up.

Moving forward.

Monday

It's Monday. The beginning of the week. Time to get back to school, back to work, back to therapy... What id give to have a week off therapy! Therapy is exhausting! Anyway. I am here waiting for my bus to school. I have my coffee and my breakfast and I'm ready to start the day.

I emailed my dietician last night and asked if I could check in with her. I'm concerned about my eating habits the past few days and I am hoping she has some words of wisdom for me... I really need to listen to my hunger view I think so I don't get ravenous and eat whatever is in sight. Maybe eating a little more will help that. 

Anyway. Have a lovely Monday! It's a new week! New start. 

Failings

I feel as though I have failed the past few days… slip after slip after slip :( I feel like I've messed myself up, like I'm ruined the progress I've made. I feel like an utter failure. Behaviors for three days straight, NOT good. I am really upset by how I've done the past few days. 

Is there any point in wallowing? NO. I am moving forward. I am making progress. I am going in the right direction. I know I have made mistakes the first few days, but I am learning and growing and each mistake IS a chance to learn. Every time I mess up I can look at the situation and realize that I've messed up but that I am still going forward. 

Tonight after dinner I panicked. I wanted to run out of the house and run to the store, but I didn't. I made coffee, I sat down, and started working on my needlepoint project. I am keeping dinner down, end of story. And I am eating my night snack end of story. I am determined. I am stronger than this. I can do this. 

I will NOT go backwards any further. The only way to go is forward, and that is where I'm going. 

Not giving up.

Picking food for taste

 Something that is a bad habit and pattern of mine is picking foods based on the calorie count instead of how they may taste. I know the calorie count to pretty much every food which makes It really hard to ignore the nutrition information. For example, I really want a pumpkin spice latte but haven't gotten one because I feel I don't deserve the extra calories. Over the years I have convinced myself that carrots are my favorite food. Really?? Carrots?? I so do not think carrots are my favorited food but I've somehow convinced myself otherwise. When I go out to dinner I always check calorie counts on line before I go to find the meals with the fewest calories. On Friday we went out to dinner. I really wanted pancakes but looking at the counts freaked me out and I ordered a boring grilled fish and baked potato.

I realize I am missing out on a lot of food opportunities. No salad dressing. No butter. No pumpkin spice: I'm missing out!! Really! If I was able to pick foods based on taste rather than calorie counts of be so much happier. And I wouldn't get massive cravings and then binge on foods I don't "allow" myself to eat.

I guess a big part of me feels I don't deserve food that tastes good. But that's silly! Everyone deserves good food and if it tastes good that's even better!! Maybe I WILL get that pumpkin spice latte. Or frozen yogurt for snack. Why?? Because I deserve it. I don't need to restrict to keep my weight down. I deserve good food.

YOU deserve food that tastes good! Today pick a food you wouldn't normally allow yourself and enjoy it. Because you DESERVE IT!! If you want ice cream, eat that ice cream. If you want a salad enjoy it with dressing! Have fun and enjoy. we can do this together!

Happy Sunday!!

It's Sunday, the official day of rest and doing NOTHING. How are you spending your day?
I am doing needlepoint and watching Gilmore Girls. I am laying in bed, only really leaving my room to get food haha. This morning I made terrible pancakes. They just didn't turn out well. And I am HUNGRY today. Really hungry. I feel like I could eat a whole other batch of pancakes plus more. Maybe I need to eat more…

Eating more… what would happen if I ate a little more? Nothing bad would happen. I have been hungry and it is really possible that I need to eat a little more. I hate to think that eating more would affect my weight… but that's silly really. Eating a little more won't make a difference, except that it might make me feel BETTER. I've been drinking lots of coffee because I feel hungry. Maybe more food wouldn't be a bad thing. I'll give it a try.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Ice cream

Ice cream is my downfall. It gets me in trouble. It really does.
Today was going well. And then ice cream got in the way :( UGH why??? I keep slipping and falling hard. I am NOT going to let this get to me. I am not going to let a mistake define me. But I feel kind of like a failure.

I am not a failure. I am learning. I am growing. I am trying my best.

Next time I can do things differently… call a therapist to talk through things… talk to a friend… really there are LOTS of people I can call if I'm stressed and feel like I won't behave. I am uncomfortable. But that is no excuse. I don't want to bother anyone. But that is also no excuse.

I will continue with my day. But I feel like a failure.
I am not a failure.

Ugh.

Pressing onward.

Day of rest and coffee

Today is a day of rest! I am literally just lounging around in sweat pants and a sweatshirt, working on my needlepoint project, and eating in between naps! It really is a nice day to relax. I usually see my parents on the weekend but this week I just felt like I need a break from them. I don't want to go out and get coffee or talk to anyone. I just want to rest. So that's what I'm doing.

I have had quite a bit of coffee today… large cup in the morning, and then a few small cups. Technically I've had too much but I think it's ok :) It just tastes so good! It's funny someone I talked to the other day said she didn't like coffee because it tastes like dirt. The funny thing is coffee DOES taste like dirt. I don't know WHY I love coffee….. maybe it's psychological. But with sugar and a little soy milk it really is tasty.

I don't have much to write about today. It is quiet and I am tired. Just wanted to update and let you know that I'm still here and that I care.
Hope you're enjoying your Saturday!

Delicious breakfast

This morning I had a DELICIOUS breakfast. I like making fun breakfasts and enjoying them, especially on mornings where I'm not running out of the house. I had 2 multigrain waffles, scrambled egg whites with spinach, blueberries, and coffee. So tasty! I really need to remember to take more pictures of my food. I could share on here. I just don't ever think about it!

Today I am studying with a friend and then doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. All day. Nothing. I can't even begin to explain how nice it is to be able to do nothing. I am exhausted and so relieved that I get to relax today.


How are you spending your saturday?

Weighing more

I don't know my weight. I have an idea of what I weigh but I don't know the exact number. I had a certain number in my head of what I was "ok" with weighing. And it's very possible, I'm actually fairly sure, that I weigh more than the "ok" weight. So what do I do with this information? Do I freak out and start restricting again? Do I purge? NO. Because I am not my weight. I am a person.

So what if I have gone over my own idea of what's healthy? So what? Real friends aren't going to judge me based on my weight and my family will care about me no matter what the number on the scale says. As a matter of fact, people feel safer with me when I am at a healthy weight. When I am very thin it almost feels people are afraid to be around me. So I weigh a little more. This is actually a good thing!

What are the benefits of weighing more? That's something I forget to look at sometimes. But there ARE positives!!

First, when or if I get sick this year I wil have enough weight on me not to be in danger. A stomach bug or flu won't put me into a danger zone.

I'm not cold all the time. I have enough insulation that I am not freezing in the middle of summer. I feel warm and comfortable, and that is a lot better than being frozen all the time. 

I look my age. I look like a young woman, not a little girl. I can have positions of authority and actually be taken seriously. I don't look like a pathetic sick girl. I look strong and healthy. And that is uncomfortable but ultimately a good thing. I am a woman and I look it.

There are more positives. I can't think of them right now. I'm just trying to convince myself that my new weight is good. I'm healthy. Healthy is good.

Everything in moderation

Today I saw my dietician. I told her how I've been eating intuitively and she is really excited for me! My weight is stable (from what I can tell) and eating is going well. It was a good meeting. No tears!! YAY!! We ate ice cream, and it tasted really good. I only took a little, though, and I really wanted more… but I felt weird wanting more. I could have eaten a little more. oh well.

Tonight we are going out to dinner at Coco's, and I have a history of ordering things that are really "safe" at that restaurant. "safe" meaning the lowest calorie items, mainly from the "light and fit" menu. Haha. Well tonight I am ordering cod and veggies, which is safe… and then a baked potato with sour cream and butter which is a BIG challenge. Not the potato, but the sour cream and butter is. I really REALLY want to skip out on the butter and sour cream but I have to challenge myself at some point.

So I asked my dietician… is it ok to eat ice cream, a loaded baked potato, and a pop tart (I got pop tarts) in one day. Her answer; YES it is totally ok! It is ok to eat a little ice cream, a baked potato, and a pop tart in one day. My body knows what to do with it. Everything really is OK in moderation. A few "fun"" foods in one day is not a problem! All these things can be part of a healthy diet. Really. It is ok to enjoy food!!

A lot of the time I don't feel like I deserve good food… I use food as an incentive or a punishment. But every person, every creature deserves food. It is a right.
So eat and be merry. YOU DESERVE TO EAT!!!

New day new start

I am So glad it's a new day. A chance to start over and make things better. Part of yesterday was hard, but I definitely rebounded. I had dinner and snack and moved forward with my night. I am proud of myself for moving forward and not wallowing. No point in wallowing over mistakes!!

Today I am going to play with kitties, and then I am going to see my dietician. I get weighed today (eek) which I am not excited about. But it is what it is. I will move forward. Weight can be up or down and it does NOT define me as a person. I am not my weight. I am Abbi. I am a fighter. I am NOT a number.

Feeling hopeful that I can turn things around today. No time like the present to make things better!

Have a lovely day!

Mistakes happen

Mistakes Happen. Deal with Them and Change

The person doesn't exist who's never made a mistake. Yet we blame ourselves all the time for our mistakes.

We shouldn't. If we remember our mistakes, we can move on from them and learn. If we're smart, that is.

The writer Shane Parish, in his excellent blog Farnam Street, quotes Marcus Aurelius on mistakes: "If anyone can refute me -- show me I'm making a mistake or looking at things from the wrong perspective -- I'll gladly change. It's the truth I'm after and the truth never harmed anyone. What harms us is to persist in self-deceit and ignorance," from his Meditations.

Making mistakes isn't the same thing as being stupid. We have a tendency to blame ourselves, or believe ourselves to be stupid for committing errors. But this simply is wrong. When we recognize our errors, we can course-correct. If we want to continue to grow. Those of us who refuse even to consider our mistakes as learning experiences, or to admit mistakes, are the ones who are stupid.

I make mistakes all the time. It's natural -- I'm building a company, and as we figure out the best processes and procedures for working with clients, we don't get things right all the time. But I make sure to acknowledge a mistake and move on and hope to continue to grow.

It's those who refuse to admit mistakes who are dangerous, as the poet Charles Simic wrote a couple of years ago in a blog post on the New York Review of Books site, saying how frightening it is that we've become a nation that no longer applauds intellect but revels in ignorance. Anyone who considers our current political climate, the savagery that masquerades as comments on the Internet and the lowest-common-denominator cable-news universe knows this already.

I'm ignorant sometimes, too. But I certainly don't revel in it. I want to continue to grown, just as I want to learn from mistakes. One important thing I've learned from my mistakes is that by acknowledging them I'm already accepting that I need to look beyond what I did wrong and look to how to do right.

Bumpy day

Today, for some reason, is not going so well. Eating is just not right today. Feeling kind of discouraged. I woke up kind of "off" today and the day just hasn't gotten better. Feels like a major slip backwards. I  had been doing so well!

But I am not wallowing. Nope. I am moving forward. I am strong. I am a fighter. I am NOT someone who just gives up.

So what do I do from here? I move forward. I eat my snack and dinner and my night snack and I turn things around. Every slip is a chance to learn and grow. I am learning. I am growing. I am fighting.

No matter how crappy your day is it can get better. Don't give up on yourself!

Down day

Yesterday I felt great about my body. I was happy, less bloated, feeling really good. Today not so much. I feel puffy and uncomfortable. But you know what? THAT IS OK. Some days are better than others. Some days you feel great. Sometimes you feel crappy. Such is life. Life is up and down.

So how do you handle the down days? You think about the times you felt good and hang on to that. Remind yourself that the negative feelings don't last forever!! They are temporary and fleeting. Good days will come and balance out the bad.

On days where you don't feel 100% don't give up! Tell yourself you're going to be ok. Tell yourself these feelings will certainly pass and the sun will shine again. Wear clothes that feel good. Eat and drink and listen to your body. Go for a nice walk, do yoga, listen to music, breathe: wait for the feelings to pass because they WILL pass.

Keep fighting keep plugging along. Focus on the good in your life!!

More fluids

Recently I have increased the amount of fluids I'm consuming and you know what?? I feel so much better! Today I drank a large coffee, a coke zero, and a big cup of tea. I'm peeing like crazy (haha sorry) but I feel great! I feel lighter and less bloated. 

I used to have a big fear of fluids. I heavily restricted fluids, especially water, because I was afraid it would increase my weight. Now I know how silly that is. Water makes you feel healthy and hydrated and alive! This is really such a revelation. I feel so much better. I'm just learning every day.

Lessons learned and little victories. Just thought I'd share :)

Cherry coke

I have a new favorite drink (besides coffee) and its cherry coke zero! I like the taste and the bubbles and I really enjoy it. I wish the bottles weren't so expensive but it is what it is haha. Liking soda is progress. Why you ask? I'll tell you.

When I used to binge and purge I would drink huge amounts of soda. I didn't care what kind of soda I would just guzzle it. Now I am drinking soda just because I enjoy it and most importantly I am keeping it down. The bubbles don't make me feel too bloated which is nice. Is coke zero the healthiest beverage? Definitely not. But it won't rot my teeth. The chemicals are not healthy. But a soda every so often really is ok! Basically everything is ok in moderation... Soda, candy, chocolate, other sweets. You don't want to eat those things all day every day. But every so often it is perfectly ok! Eat and drink what you enjoy and what tastes good. For me sometimes what I'm craving is a big juicy apple. Sometimes it's dark chocolate. Sometimes it's carrots. Sometimes it's cookies. And now that I'm listening to my body I feel ok eating all those things! Everything in moderation. Is one serving of chocolate going to make you gain weight? Absolutely not! Eat what feels right in the moment. I'm learning to do this and it feels amazing. 

Listen to your body and your cravings. Trust your body. 

Accepting your body

One thing I'm having a lot of trouble with is accepting my body. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel ok. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted and appalled. So I try to hold on to the times where I feel good. 

Today I am wearing a tank top and leggings. I looked in the mirror and was ok. And then I looked again and was uncomfortable. But I didn't change. I left the house in my original outfit. I looked at my reflection on the way to the bus stop and felt uncomfortable but I am tolerating it. I will not feel like this forever. Some day I won't have to look in every reflection. Some day I will be happy with how I look and stay in one outfit per day. I have, in fact, gotten better about this. The past week I've pretty much stayed in one outfit all day. Which is huge progress!!

Embrace your body. Embrace every flaw, every curve, every roll, all the cellulite,. Your hair legs, your messy hair, your blemishes in your face. You are beautiful just the way you are. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!

Breakfast this morning is a bagel with honey cream cheese, and greek yogurt with berries. What are you having for breakfast?

Keep fighting!!! 

A very rare selfie!'

Going off my meal plan

If you had asked me a few months ago whether I thought I'd ever go off a meal plan I would have laughed and said never. Never ever! But today I am sitting here thinking about going off my meal plan and eating what I feel my body needs. I have some pretty good hunger signs back and I think I know my meal plan well enough that I could guesstimate how much I need to eat. I'd have to make sure I'm not undercutting things, but I really do feel that I could go off my meal plan and do ok. Weird I know!! It isreally  amazing how much change I've gone through these past few months. I never thought I'd reach this point. Eating what I feel like, stopping when I'm full..: not feeling like I need to binge and not eating too much. It feels like a miracle! Really it does!!

This morning I had 2 waffles with some syrup and greek yogurt with blueberries. None of it was measured. I also had coffee with some soy milk in it. For snack I had all bran cereal with soy milk and blueberries. Lunch was taquitos and salad and I felt full so I didn't eat all the spinach. Then by 4 I was hungry again do I had an apple and some cinnamon square cereal, and I was still hungry so I had a few more cinnamon squares and a cup of tea with soy milk. Now I feel content and will be ready for dinner at 6 or 7. This feels amazing. I can't even explain how amazing this feels. Listening to my body for the first time in years and years! I am so grateful. My body is resilient. I've put my body through so much but it is bouncing back stronger than ever! 

Intuitive eating here I come!!

Listening to hunger

Today I've been hungry and being hungry scares me. Why? Because it makes me feel out of control. I am not USED to feeling hungry. I am used to feeling full constantly and therefore being able to control how much I eat. Well now I have hunger cues. And it's really strange. REALLY strange.

For the past several days I have done something different - I have NOT counted any calories and I have NOT measured any of my food. I am simply guesstimating. Eating normally. Pouring cereal into a bowl and pouring milk over it. Serving rice with the serving spoon. And it's really weird. I pour how much I think I need, depending on how hungry I am, and I eat until I feel full. At lunch today I had black bean taquitos and a salad. My salad was spinach, pepper, carrots, tomato, and strawberries, and when I got to the spinach I just didn't want any more. So I stopped. And the vinegar from the dressing was stinging my throat so I had a tea cookies. So foreign!! But really exciting.

I am listening to my hunger cues. If I'm hungry I eat a little more. If I'm not hungry I eat a little less. My body knows how to handle it and what to do. If I eat a little more one day and a little less another day my body will balance everything out. No problem. Next step… no meal plan!! Free eating, what I want when I want it. I know I will get there. In fact the thought of it makes me really excited!! I'm on my way to being healthy and that is GOOD.

Tuesday

Today is Tuesday. Not quite the middle of the week. Not quite monday. Just Tuesday. This morning I have already been out and about. First work development group and then therapy session with my therapist. We talked to my house so that she could meet my rats.

My therapist is really tough. But she told me today how much she cares about me. She says she is paid to be competent, not to care. But she cares about me. And that feels good. Someone cares about me. She doesn't have to care but she does. Makes me trust her more. Makes me feel like maybe I do matter.

I have a doctor appointment today (fun) and then school tonight. I have a big paper to turn in tonight, hopefully that will go well. I worked hard on this paper, but I am out of practice.

I am so hungry today for some reason! Trying to tell myself it is OK to be hungry. Hungry is normal. I am hungry and that's ok. I just have to listen to my body.

Have a lovely day!

Trying to hold on

I am feeling swamped by the information I got last week about another client. She is very thin and very sick and every time I see her I feel like I want to cry. I feel so sad and worried for her and I am getting really overwhelmed. I want to help her, I want her to get better, but I also want her to leave. I don;t want to look at her.  I don't want to be reminded of the times I looked like that. She is so thin that she has lanugo covering her arms. It scares me.

The green monster of envy has popped up too. I want to look like that sometimes. I want people to look at me and KNOW That I am hurting. To know I need help. That I'm struggling. That I want love. But at the same time I don't want people staring at my body and getting attention for my body. I look much more "normal" now and I guess that's a good thing. Less attention on my body. More attention on my accomplishments.

I am moving forward. Eating without measuring. Eating normally. I have made huge progress. I do NOT want to throw all the work I"ve done out the window by not eating or by purging. Never again am I going back. I am NEVER going back to being sick. No matter how much I want to look like a 12 year old girl sometimes I do not need to get sick to be loved. I am loved when I am healthy. And What I want is love.

Trying to stay motivated.

All foods fit

Today I had nutrition group and my dietician had our food containers on the floor. Chex mix, granola bars, yogurt drinks... Stuff you'd find at the grocery store. My first thought was "I can't eat these foods they aren't healthy." Then I thought again. I CAN eat these foods. My dietician explained it in a great way. All foods are on a spectrum. One side is the super healthy; fruits, vegetables, foods with lots of nutrition. On the other side of the spectrum is unhealthy things like Twinkies and potato chips. Is one bad and one good? Not necessarily. The veggies will have more nutrients and nutritional value. But the Twinkies are ok every once in a while. Basically all foods fit. There's no such thing as "empty calories" because we need simple carbs and fats in our diet. It's ok to have "fun foods" ( not "junk food") as a part of a healthy diet.

Do I try to eat as healthy as possible? Yes. I eat lots of fruits and veggies. I eat lean proteins and dairy and natural peanut butter. I eat healthy! But I also allow myself fun things like ice cream, dark chocolate, and nature valley bars. Do they have corn syrup and Palm oil? Yes. Is that ok? YES! 

All foods fit into a healthy diet. The key is everything in moderation. A little of this a little of that, majority healthy food and you're good!! Eat that chocolate and enjoy it. You deserve it!!

The Mondays

I definitely have a case of the Mondays. All I want right now is to be cuddled up in my pajamas. But I  am out and waiting for the bus to school. Ahh I'm tired. Yesterday was kind of hard. I want to be in bed in my pjs working on needlepoint and watching Gilmore girls. But I have my coffee and I'm ready to start the day.

Today for breakfast I brought overnight oats. Oats, soy milk, peanut butter, peanuts, raisins. So yummy!!! 

Have a lovely day. Happy Monday!

Rough encounter

I planned to get together with the new client today. She has similar issues to me and I was scared to see her but wanted to be friendly and kind. I met her and it went horribly. She wouldn't say anything. She sat and stared and wouldn't speak. I freaked out: I got really anxious and switched to a younger part. I thought I had done something or said something wrong. I don't think I said anything wrong. She is just very fragile and very new.

I guess I'm jealous of her in some ways. She is so thin, to the point of having lanugo on her arms. I know I don't want to be sick anymore but hanging around someone who is in such bad shape is really really triggering. I dont want to look like that. I don't want people paying attention to my body like that. But im still very triggered.

We are out to dinner now at a cafe. I'm getting a veggie burger. trying to move forward from my mini freak out about this woman. She is sick. I am healthy. Heslthy is GOOD. I want to be healthy. End of story.

Day of rest

Today is Sunday, the one day a week where I can stay in my pajamas and do absolutely nothing!! I look forward to Sunday all week because the rest of the week is go go go. It's 9:45 and I've already had my pancakes, veggie sausage, and berries, and a delicious coffee. I am working on a needlepoint project - it's a prayer shawl for my sister, and I had forgotten about the project for a long time. It's really pretty, though, and I'm hoping I can get it done! Big project but I can do it I think.

Today I am going to hang out with some peers and relax. I am kind of nervous, though, as I am going to get together with a new peer who is really sick and pretty triggering. I'll make it work, it just is hard to be around her. It's only 1/2 an hour.

It's a new day. I am healthy. I am strong. I am a fighter.
Have a lovely Sunday!

Today

Part of me feels weird about being with my family… like I don't deserve them. Like I don't deserve to have a happy family. I was destined to be alone at 16 and here I am spending time wiht my family and we are HAPPY. And it's so weird… good weird I guess. But weird. My dad wants to hug me and tells me how happy he is that I'm home. I can actually talk to my mom about some "real" things without getting shut down or lectured. It's all very foreign and strange. But I think this is a good thing. Everyone deserves to have a family who loves them right? Humans need love to survive. They need to be attached and know they are loved to thrive, and that's what I'm doing. I'm finally thriving. And I think a big part of that has been my own progress, but it's also been the progress with my family. I am not alone anymore. I'm not fighting an uphill battle by myself. I have people on my team. People to tell me they love me and care about me and that they actually believe in me… again all so weird. But nice. Finally I have a reason to wake up in the morning… I have people who care.

Today was a nice day. Got to stay in my pajamas for a little while this morning because I didn't go to petco. I watched some shows, worked a little on a needlepoint project. Then my mom picked me up to go to temple. First I went to a "young person's" meeting for people in their 20's and 30s, and it was very moving. Nice sermon, good prayers. Had lunch. And then went to another service, a contemporary service with folk songs and lots of lovely readings. Very moving service. Really targeted all of the things that have gone on this year and all the things we can do better. We went to a later service as well and ended the day with a "break the fast" at a friend's house. Overall a good day.

I was a little upset, I'll admit, about the fact that my sister and my dad fasted. My dad had said he wasn't going to fast, but he did. I guess it's ok though. They are healthy enough to fast for a day. I am not. Maybe some day I will be able to fast again, when it doesn't fuel my eating disorder. For me fasting would be a sick behavior, and sick behavior is NOT appropriate on a day of atonement.

Today was my first day of no measuring food and no calorie counting… I think it went ok. I didn't measure breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I may be short a little but I'm eating intuitively and that feels REALLY good. I'm finally eating more normally. Finally.

I hope that you all had a lovely day and that you have a peaceful night.
I'm off to eat snack :)

A time to reflect

This year I almost died.

I was selfish.

I was horribly mean to myself.

I lied.

I cheated.

I've done a lot of things this year that I need to repent for. Attempted suicide is a big sin. But I survived and I'm here to make things right.

I don't have much to say today, other than that I am reflecting and thinking a lot. I'll update more later.

 

First day of no measuring!

Today is my first day in YEARS of not measuring my food… and it's really scary!! This morning I put an estimated amount of yogurt, cereal, and blueberries and I am eating it now… no way to count the calories, I just have to trust my body and trust my eyes. I KNOW what a cup looks like. I KNOW what 1/2 cup looks like. I can do this. It's REALLY scary but I can do it.

Today is Yom Kippur. Day of atonement. A day to repent all my sins. Long services at temple… long day. So much of me wishes i could be fasting, but that would not be healthy. And I'd have to repent for it haha. I am doing a coffee fast. No coffee for me today. That is my fast.

It's a new year. A chance to start over. I'm ready and it's time.

Yom Kippur

Tonight was Kol Nidre, the start of Yom Kippur. This is a holy day where Jewish people atone for their sins of the past year. It's not a holiday. It's a solemn day. A day of fasting and repentance. I won't be fasting for obvious reasons. But I will go to temple.
This year I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of. I've sinned. I've made mistakes. And today is a day to be forgiven. That feels nice. To be absolved of my sins… Finally I can make things right.
This year I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being selfish.
I'm sorry for my self hatred.
I'm sorry I tried to end my life.
I'm sorry I was jealous and had a green monster of envy
I'm sorry for lying.
I'm sorry for being sneaky.
I'm sorry for being manipulative.
I'm sorry for pushing people away.

I have lots to repent… and I CAN do that without fasting.
May you have a sweet new year, and may you be absolved of all your sins and mistakes.

Feeling good about being healthy

I just had a meeting with my dietician, and it was a good meeting. Yes there were tears, but it ended well! I was weighed, and my dietician informed me that she can now lower my meal plan and increase my activity. I was excited and devastated all at once. Does lowering my meal plan mean my weight has skyrocketed?? Am I too heavy?? My dietician assured me that is NOT the case. That it's time for me to have my meal plan lowered to catch up with my recovery. This makes sense… and I haven;t been meeting my whole meal plan anyway. This won't make much of a difference, but it IS a decrease, which is good. My dietician won't let me get too heavy and that is good.

Then we ate ice cream. Which tasted awesome! Mud pie (coffee ice cream with cookie crumbles). So delicious. I didn't even measure it and I was able to enjoy the treat! It tasted really good and I focused on that, not the calories, not that it's "bad." It's food that tastes yummy and that's ok! Healthy people are allowed to eat ice cream too. I am allowed to eat food that tastes good.

Then at the end of our meeting I made a decision. I asked my dietician if I could stop measuring my food. For the past several years I have used measuring cups and spoons with ALL of my food… rice, pasta, milk, peanut butter, cereal… you name it I measure it. Pretty obsessive right? But it's what I'm used to. So I made a decision. For this week I am NOT going to measure my food. I can eyeball how much I need. I can eat without measuring. SUPER nervous and scared but ready. I want to be a normal eater. I'm sick of measuring all my food. It's time.

AND. And I'm going to stop counting calories once and for all… not measuring my food will help me because I will not be able to exactly count all the calories. This is a huge step. I can do this. Progress!!!!

I feel good about the progress I've made. I can be PROUD that I am healthy. I am a fighter!! YOU Can do this too!! Take a leap of faith. Healthy is GOOD.

Pros and cons

I have recently asked my dietician if i can know my weight… I want to know. Not because it will make me feel better necessarily, but because let's say I go to the doctor and get weighed and I'm surprised. That will NOT be a good thing. I will be caught off guard. I don't want to be caught off guard. I want to be OK with my weight. Not freak out about it. I have a number in my head about what I weigh. I don't know if it's right. So pros and cons of knowing my weight.

Pros:

Not being caught off guard if I get weighed

Having a sense of reality about my weight

Being OK with knowing my weight and dealing with the knowledge in a healthy way

Knowing my body

Cons:

Potentially freaking out

Starting to restrict again

Not feeling safe in my body

Being angry

Being afraid

Feeling ashamed

I want to know. I want to be prepared though. I'm going to get weighed now. Will report later!

Therapy

Today in therapy I completely, totally, utterly fell apart. I was a sobbing, miserable mess. I felt bad for my therapist haha. she was very sweet and came to sit next to me to try and comfort me, and that was nice but I felt so awful. I cried and sobbed and made a fool out of myself.

Basically this is what's going on. There's a new client. This is not a problem. I'm sure she is a very nice lady. But last night the staff member I was with told me ALL about this new client. She's possibly schizophrenic and very quiet. She's extremely thin, and I learned she is vegan and gluten free… so what does she eat??? Basically nothing. they are looking to see if she has an eating disorder. She claims to have DID. She is afraid of men… basically sounds just like me.

Well I lost it. I had this automatic gut feeling that because this new client is here I am not going to matter anymore. That my problems, which are diminishing, make me somehow "unwanted" and "Unloved." One of my therapists will be working with this new lady. I felt for some reason that if this new client has an eating disorder and parts, my problems (which are the same) will seem insignificant and I will fall by the wayside. This is silly to think. I know my therapist will continue to care about me.. but I feel so lost and hopeless. A HUGE part of me is saying that I need to stop eating again. That I want the negative attention. That I WANT to be sick so people will notice me and take care of me. But there's a part of me that makes sense. I am healthy, I am strong, I am independent… I am happy a lot of the time, and I AM cared about. I don't need to be sick to be cared about. I don't. I just don't.

You don't need to be sick to be loved and cared about. You can be healthy and get POSITIVE attention from people who care about you. You can be strong. You can keep fighting, even when you've been completely triggered. We are stronger than that.
Keep fighting. Keep kicking. And EMBRACE your healthy self!

Today

Last night was hard. I was triggered majorly by a staff member and had a complete meltdown. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it this morning. I feel very raw and scared. I'm worried horribly about another client now and can't seem to stop thinking about it.

Today I have therapy and then I get to go grocery shopping! I love grocery shopping. All the food can be overwhelming but I like it. Then groups all afternoon. I'm pretty worn out. I'd love a day off. I'll just have to wait until Sunday.

Have a lovely day :)

Meltdown

Tonight we had a meltdown. I say "we" because it was another one of my parts (personalities) who had the meltdown.

There is a new client at our program who is very very thin and claims to have DID like us. We became very irrational after hearing this news... Our fear was that we are not thin and not sick enough to deserve care and attention from our therapists. We wanted, for a brief moment, to look like this woman. Silly right? I think yes.

I am strong. I am healthy. I am independent. I can walk and run and skip and jump. I can eat without purging and falling apart. I am trusted to be on my own. I am not sick. I am healthy. And that is a GOOD thing!!! Healthy is a GOOD. Being healthy does not mean I am unloved or unwanted. I am loved even as a healthy young woman.:: in fact I think I am loved even more because I'm healthy. People can care about me without worrying that I'm going to collapse or just die. I am alive. And I want to be alive.

An enormous part of me wanted to skip dinner tonight, and I'll admit we didn't eat quite the amount we needed to. But we did eat. And tonight we will have a snack and move forward. I am strong. I am healthy. Healthy = happy and I want to be happy.

I am not letting a meltdown bring me down. I am stronger than that. I am a warrior, I am brave. I am still fighting.

Confession

It's confession time: I've been skipping my afternoon snack. This is a problem. Why is it a problem? First I'm not getting the calories I need spaced out to keep my blood sugar going. I get hungry and then I get tired and grouchy so skipping snack is NOT a smart idea. I'm not getting all the calories I need for the day either. Today I had a tootsie pop for snack. A) I feel guilty that I didn't have something "healthy" B) I'm still hungry.

I'm such a silly girl. Why can't I just follow my meal plan and eat what I need to??? Ahhh!!!

Second problem is that restricting sets me up to binge. By dinner I'm soooo hungry that my portion for dinner doesn't feel like enough and I get hangry. This leads to me wanting ice cream and spending my money on food that most likely won't stay down. 

So I need to eat snack. I don't need to save up and save up so they I can have a big night snack. I don't need to cut back my calories:.. It's been proven that I feel better when I eat more, at least what is on my meal plan. I can do this. I can get 100% on the bandwagon if I choose to. 

I love coffee!

I love my morning coffee. It's delicious, it wakes me up... It's such a nice treat in the morning. My coffee is dark roast (I like dark) with soy milk and hazelnut syrup. I like my coffee nice and sweet :) mmmmmm

Waiting for the bus to school now. It's gloomy outside but kind of muggy and warm. I changed my clothes, like, six times this morning ugh. Body image woes!!!! But I finally decided on an outfit and I feel ok. I wish I had a uniform and didn't have to decide what to wear all the time. Or I wish I could just wear a paper bag all the time. Or pajamas!! I could absolutely live in pajamas :D

Breakfast this morning is overnight oats! Yum!! Oatmeal, soy milk; peanut butter, raisins, and peanuts. So delicious. 

Have a lovely day!