Another successful day

Today has been a very successful day… and not only was I behavior free, I didn't really have any urges! This is a huge deal! I've been so urgy lately that not having any urges feels like a minor miracle. I'm so relieved to be out of this lapse I'd found myself in. I am living and breathing and functioning and doing ok. I am SO grateful!!

Tomorrow is back to school. I am looking forward to these next two weeks, hopefully they will go by quickly because I will be heading to New Orleans on the 15th! YAY! I can't wait to see my grandma and my kitty cat and my friend. I love the city of new Orleans and I can't wait to be there.

Have a peaceful evening and I will check in tomorrow!

Supporting friends

I am the kind of person who wants to support my friends no matter what the cost. I've been in a LOT of treatment centers and have made friends along the way. Only a few are still in my life because treatment friends are really hard to keep around. There's risk of relapse and bringing you down, and it's really hard. Because you want to help as much as you can but you don't want to be brought down with that friend. It's so hard. In treatment you bond with your peers over things like trauma and eating disorders and life stories… and then you're out of treatment and that's all you have in common, and it can be… well.. toxic. Sadly.

I have a friend right now who just got out of treatment. This isn't her first round of treatment and I hadn't been in contact with her as several months ago she was struggling and it was bringing me down a little. Well I contacted her a couple weeks ago and she said she was doing really well! We got together and spent the day talking and eating and it was really nice. But the past few days she hasn't been doing well… skipping meals, walking all day, when she's not supposed to exercise, and she's really depressed. I have been texting her to check in, trying to encourage her and give her as much support as I possibly can. But it's really hard. I want to support her, but it makes me question myself. If she's not eating, should I stop eating too? Why does she want to be sicker than me? Questions that are dangerous and comparing and I don't want to go there. I want so badly to help this friend. But I can't put my own health and sanity at risk.

So what do I do?? Do I set boundaries? Do I stop texting and wait for her to contact me? I'm so desperate for friends. I want her in my life. But I don't want to risk my recovery. This is so hard. I think I need to set boundaries for myself. I want so badly for this friend to be doing well. But I can't change that. It's up to her to choose to be healthy. I can't choose that for her. I can remind and encourage her to eat, I can give support, but I can't make her choose the right path. And that makes me sad. But it's the truth.

What to do???

Get out of the diet mentality

This morning I got a chai tea latte at starbucks… and I got the REAL thing with soy milk not fat free milk and sugar free. I have gotten into the habit of ordering "skinny" drinks at Starbucks, which means fat free milk and sugar free syrup. First thing, I am lactose intolerant so the real milk does NOT agree with my stomach. Second, it just doesn't taste as good! The sugar free syrup is not as tasty as the real syrup. So today I got my soy chai tea latte, a grande, and drank it and it was DELICIOUS! I am so happy I got the soy milk a: because my stomach doesn't hurt and b: because it makes the drink sweeter with the vanilla flavoring. I thoroughly enjoyed my beverage.

I am trying really hard to get out of the diet mentality. I will confess, I haven't been choosing the full-test products. The almond milk I have is very low in energy, and I bought light string cheese. The almond milk has basically no nutritional value, and my eating disorder is thrilled about the low calories. However, I KNOW it would be ok to get real almond milk or coconut milk or soy milk. Something holds me back… I need to get out of this habit for sure. I don't NEED diet foods. Food is food. And the real food tastes SO much better than the diet stuff.

So this week I am making a goal: get real food. Real almond milk/soy milk, real string cheese… I have also been skipping things on my meal plan, mostly dairy and fats. I need to add these back into my meals. It's important!

Basically, you deserve to get out of the diet mentality. Eat real food, it's ok! REALLY! It's ok!! Your body will thank you.

Good morning!!

I am 100% a morning person! I feel good today. Yesterday was a successful day and I feel great about it. I ate what I needed, had an extra ensure when I felt bingy, and made it through!! Toward the end of the night I was soooooo bloated and uncomfortable and my stomach hurt but I drank tea and used a heating pad and worked through! I am so proud of myself.

In less than two weeks I get to go to New Orleans to visit my grandma and my kitty and my best friend!! I am SO excited!!! I can't wait until I'm on the plane. Counting down the days!!! 

This morning I am treating myself to a chai tea latte as the one I got the other day just didn't taste good. I deserve a treat :) 

Gonna make today another good day!!! Keep fighting!!!!!

I CAN fight through this

It's after lunch and I'm kind of miserable… the food tasted really good. Noodle soup with tofu and peas, and a pear. It was really yummy. But now I feel super sick. I know the easy thing to do… I'd feel so much better. But instead I am curling up into a ball for a while. I can fight through this feeling. I will NOT let the eating disorder win. I am stronger. I am bigger. I am fighting.

I will rest for a while and then I am going to spend time with a friend. Yesterday was a successful day. Today will be another successful day I know it.
I CAN do this.

Embrace your healthy body

I am having a REALLY hard time embracing my new recovery body. After a few weeks of being sick and kind of in relapse and being really scrawny, I have to get used to my new body all over again… but you know what? IT'S OK. It's ok not to be teeny tiny. In fact, why would anybody want to be teeny tiny? Weak and tired and miserable. NOT me. I want to be healthy. I want to be strong. I want to be functional. And that means eating and embracing a healthy body.

Instead of criticizing your body, tell yourself how beautiful and strong you are. Don't hate on your body! That will just make you feel worse. Embrace. Love your curves. Tell your tummy it's ok. Tell your thighs thank you for letting you run and walk and jump and dance.

I am working on this. Embracing my body. I will get there some day.
Today I will love my body and be kind and gentle.
Happy Saturday!

The end of the day

The end of the day is always the hardest time for me… mostly because I've been eating all day and my belly is swollen and full. But when I wake up in the morning I'm back to normal… so why do I let it get to me?? Because really, nobody who eats normally has a flat stomach by the end of the day, right? It just is normal for food to accumulate and gather in your stomach. Totally normal. This is normal.

So I will eat my night snack and go to bed, and wake up refreshed in the morning. Belly bloating is 100% normal. If you're feeling cruddy at the end of the night, just remember it will all be better in the morning. You just have to get there.

Keep on fighting friends. We can do this.

Good day

Today has been a goood day!!! Played with kitties in the morning, and then had a long boring group/meeting and then we played kickball for two hours... Which was actually really fun! I got my heart pounding and my blood flowing and felt awesome. I've been so distracted all day. I haven't even though about food or purging or anything like that. And that feels great. Just a normal happy day. I am pretty proud of that.

Now we are going out to dinner... It's only 4:45 so I don't like that. But I guess we will eat around 5:30 which is ok. Just feels to early. I don't like eating early. But I will suck it up. 

Hope you're having a great Friday!

Breakfast Treat

This morning for breakfast I am treating myself to a chai tea latte at starbucks. I'm SUPER excited. It is warm and delicious and I can't wait.

Yesterday was hard. I kind of fell off the bandwagon the end of the day, but I am back on track today. I will not allow one bad afternoon to get in my way. I am moving forward. I can do this. Today is a new day. I get weighed this morning… and for some reason getting weighed is a HUGE deal for me. But my weight does not define me. I am not my weight. My dietician will not judge me based on my weight… sorry to repeat myself I'm just trying to burn that thought into my brain. I AM NOT MY WEIGHT!! End of story. Ugh this is so hard. I wish it didn't matter. I wish it wasn't a big deal… but it is right now. I am trying to tell myself it's not important. My clothes fit fine. I'm a little puffy. But it's ok. I'm ok.

I will enjoy my Starbucks drink and have my snack and I packed lunch for a group activity. I can do this. I will have a good day.

My thanksgiving was stressful… how was yours??

Happy Friday!

Failings

So I'm drinking ensure #2 of the day because dinner, which started with all good intentions, did not end well. I'm really disappointed in myself. But the sad thing is that I feel better. I feel relief. I feel in control. But it's all false. The eating disorder is teasing and taunting me, telling me it's the way to live. But having an eating disorder is NO way to live. It's not living. It's suffering.

Today I choose life. And that may mean drinking ensure. But it's ok. Tomorrow is a new chance to start fresh and be successful. I can do this. I have to get weighed tomorrow morning and I'm embarrassed and ashamed about the weight I've gained. But my dietician won't judge me. She isn't going to think less of me as a person because I gained a few pounds. She will be proud. I am getting healthy again.

It's an uphill battle. A constant struggle. Poor decisions. Good decisions. Decisions. So I sit here with my ensure. I will win this war.

Miserable

 I feel miserable. I feel SO INCREDIBLY UGLY. I am appalled at myself. I am disgusted. Looking down at my body I want to melt down and sob, cry, throw a fit. I am SO ugly. I am HUGE. I am revolting. I am a failure. I really REALLY hope that this bloating goes down soon. I am freaking out.

Thanksgiving was hard. I had to leave and take my PRN anxiety medication to calm down, as I was shaking and crying. Then the meal… I pretty much ate salad and melon. Had a tiny bit of stuffing and a tiny scoop of sweet potato, but other than that I was too afraid to eat anything. The cranberry sauce was really yummy. I filled up on veggie though and did not meet my nutrition requirements for lunch. So now I am drinking an ensure.

I HATE MY BODY. D: Sad, sad, sad, sad face. I am so unhappy. If this bloating doesn't go down I am afraid I will fall back into old behaviors. But I CAN'T go back. I CANNOT go backwards!!! I have three days purge free. I''m bloated as ever, I'm disgusting. But I'm doing the right thing. It feels SO wrong. But I am fighting.

I really hope this feeling will go away. If I keep eating that my body will adjust and stop bloating so much. My stomach and legs are all puffy. I need to keep fighting though.

When will this madness end??? I am in a turmoil. I'm panicking. I'm ashamed.
So frustrating.

So what

So I've gained some weight. So I have put on a few pounds. So my clothes don't fit the same. So I'm uncomfortable. SO WHAT. My weight does not define me. I am not a number. People who are caren't going to judge because I've gained some weight. I am STRONG and HEALTHY.

I tried on some clothes today that just aren't looking right… I think I'm a bit swollen in my belly from refeeding the past few days. My legs are a bit swollen too. If I keep eating well the bloating will go down, I think. This is just the first few days… the swelling WILL go down and I will feel better. It just sucks right now. Ugh. I feel so uncomfortable.

But I am going to stick it out. I will eat at thanksgiving, I will follow my meal plan. I can do this. My stomach sticking out it not going to get in my way. The swelling will go down. I will be ok.

I am grateful to have a body that works and is strong and healthy. That is what matters. I've gained weight… SO WHAT???

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello everyone and happy thanksgiving!! It's a day to be happy and give thanks. I am a little anxious about all the food but I've made my meal plan to follow and the feast is just another meal. I will have turkey and cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes and ENJOY because I deserve it.  It is OK to celebrate with food sometimes.

Today is going to be a successful day. I will follow my plan and eat and enjoy the company of my peers. I will focus on all the things I'm grateful for and put petty fears aside. I don't need to gorge myself with food and I don't need to under eat. There is balance, and I can find it. Today will be day 3 of no purging, and I feel pretty proud. I am doing this. I am conquering and being healthy!! I can do this. Today will NOT mess me up.

I am grateful. Very grateful.
Happy thanksgiving :)

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving - a day to be grateful. And as miserable and full and swollen I am right now, I am grateful. I am grateful that I am alive and that I have a family who cares about me. I'm grateful that I'm healthy and strong. There are lots of things I'm grateful for. 

Thanksgiving means a huge feast, and that's not something I'm thrilled about. I'd rather not show up to Thanksgiving at all… but I will show up and eat Thanksgiving food. It is just another meal. One meal out of many meals each week. I'm not going to gorge myself. It's just like any other meal. Any meal I'd eat any other day. 

I will try to put my anxieties and fears aside and be grateful tomorrow. Because I AM grateful. I'm a lucky girl. I am grateful. 

What are you grateful for?

Doing things differently

It's around 4:30 and this is a time where I often run into a lot of hunger. Usually I would ignore my hunger, or eat a ton of carrots or drink a ton of coffee… but not today. Today I am eating a frozen ensure to beat hunger. My hunger is REAL. I've been depriving myself for weeks. Have I gained some weight? YES. But you know what? It's ok. I am not my weight. As I said earlier, there are other important things about me. People who care about me don't judge me based on the fact that I've gained a few pounds. 

So I'm eating an ensure. And it's ok. I will survive. I will not blow up. In fact adding some calories may be helpful in balancing out my body. I need enough calories to function. This ensure is not going to hurt me. 

Doing things differently. 

Body image

Today I feel HORRIBLE about my body. No clothes look right, my jeans are slipping off my hips really uncomfortably… so I changed into leggings and I feel better. But I'm still sad. My clothe sstill fit. But they don't look the same. They look tighter and different. Part of me wants to just toss all my clothes and get new ones.. but at the same time, I like my clothes. They fit me, I just have to get used to the new way they look on me.

Body image is probably one of the hardest parts of recovery. You eat and eat and stay out of the bathroom and do everything right, and your body just expands and grows and becomes… well, different. I HATE body image stuff. It makes me feel weak and shallow and superficial.. it just isnt' me. Outside doesn't matter to me, it's the INSIDE that matters. Then why am I so self conscious and obsessed with my body? I don't understand it. It baffles me.

So I've gained some weight… so what?? SO WHAT?? Weighing more does NOT make me less of a person, it does NOT tell anyone what kind of young woman I am. I am a caring, kind, compassionate, determined young woman. The size of my body doesn't change that. My weight does NOT define me. I am stronger than that. I  am not a number. I am a person.

So today I will suck it up and deal with my new body. My body image will NOT affect how I eat and what I eat today. I am eating because I deserve it and I am keeping the food down because that's what my body need. My body needs food. And I am going to give my body that food. No excuses.

I will NOT let poor body image get in the way of taking care of myself today.

Good morning!

Good morning! I'm feeling a bit more oriented this morning. I've packed breakfast and I'm getting ready to go to school. I made my coffee with only one sweetener this morning, so I'm working on the sweetener thing. Feeling a bit lost, but glad to be back and in the swing of things. Today is supposed to be family therapy but I won't be participating. I feel pretty upset about that…. I feel like I've done something wrong. My therapist says they are just giving me time. But I feel like this is a punishment.

I've been thinking about Gail, the part of me that was out for the past couple weeks. She's 19, a time when I was very alone and had to be very grown up even though I really needed help and people to take care of me. I was at, probably, the worst I've ever been with my eating disorder… really sick… and I was so alone. Gail seems to be the tough part of me that adamantly refused to get help from my parents. Gail froze out my parents this week… and I understand why she did that. But I'm back and I'm not angry with my parents.

Sorry if I'm not making sense. Everything is confusing right now.
Have a lovely day!

Disoriented

I have been lost for two weeks... Another one of my alters, Gail, has been writing and keeping up my blog. I'm really scared. I feel so lost and confused. I have also gained a ton of weight since I was last present, or thats how it seems. But I'm back and I'm ok.

I found out I won't be going to thanksgiving with my family and that I won't be taking part in family session. I'm devastated. I haven't spoken to my parents or sister for several days now... Feeling so lost.

I know this is confusing. It's reeeeealy confusing for me. But I'm back.

Off to school 

Artificial sweeteners

Overall I'm doing really well. I am eating. I'm not purging. But there are a few things I need to work on. One of them is my tolerance for sweetness. After ordering a few Starbucks drinks I've found that drinks that used to satisfy me just don't taste as good anymore. Why?? They aren't sweet enough. I have build up such a tolerance for sweetness that nothing is sweet enough anymore!! This is a problem. I need to wean myself off sweet.

How do I tackle this? I may have to go sugarless for a little while. I mean no sweetener or very little sweetner in my coffee and tea. My tolerance for sweetness is kind of unhealthy and all the chemicals just aren't good for the body. I going to try to cut back on sweetners. Starting today. I don't need all those chemicals!

New goal to work toward. I stopped chewing gum!! I can do this too.

I CHOOSE to be healthy

Eating feels wrong… but it is the RIGHT thing to do. Eating is GOOD. Eating is healthy. Eating makes you strong and happy and functioning. It is not bad to eat. It is good to eat. It is important to eat. So why does eating feel so damn counter intuitive? My brain is flip flopped, telling me that I shouldn't eat, that I should disappear. Well you know what? Screw my brain! I'm eating and I am taking care of myself. That is what I need to do. I can be healthy. I CHOOSE to be healthy.

There are so many reasons to recover from an eating disorder. It is a miserable way to live. Truly, living with an eating disorder is miserable! Constantly thinking about food, counting calories, spending so much time in the bathroom, making yourself sick with laxatives and diuretics and diet pills.. I've done it all. And I've been so unhappy. You'd think that recovery would make me happy right? Why does it feel so wrong???

It feels wrong but it's NOT wrong. I want to be healthy. I want to have a family and children. I want to be free of the tormenting in my mind. I want to be genuinely happy. I don't want to just exist, I want to thrive and live, and that won't happen with my eating disorder in the way. So I choose to be healthy. I CHOOSE to be healthy.

Today I am on the right track. Breakfast was cinnamon raisin toast with honey nut cream cheese, raspberries, and an egg white omelette, and coffee with almond milk. Snack was cereal with berries and almond milk. I've kept it all down, and I'm uncomfortable, but it is OK to be uncomfortable. Recovery means being uncomfortable. To be out of your comfort zone, REALLY out of your comfort zone. Because the longer you are uncomfortable the easier things will get. Must FIGHT through the uncomfortable feelings and get to the other side. I am trying to get to the other side. Lunch will be a rice noodle bowl with tofu and peas. I'm actually looking forward to it! It's a little spicy and salty and warm… mmmm. I will have lunch soon.

I am fighting hard. Harder than ever. I can do this. I can get to the other side. The land of recovery where I can be healthy and happy, and maybe even be ok with my body. I will get there. I am determined. I can totally do this.

Never give up!

Today will be day 2

Yesterday was a success! I was miserable last night and was certain I'd gain 50 lbs over night. But I work up feeling new and refreshed and definitely not 50 lbs more than I was last night. It's a relief to know I can go to sleep and kind of reset for the next day.

Having serious clothing issues today. I am supposed to dress up for group this morning and none of my dress up clothes look right. Everything fits, it's just different and I don't like it. It makes me feel ugly and uncomfortable. I settled with my new skinny jeans and a purple top. I'm uncomfortable. But I can change after I get home from group and therapy.

Today is going to be another day of success. I will power through!!!

After dinner misery

It's after dinner and I AM MISERABLE. My stomach is so bloated and I feel so sick. I am disgusted with myself. All I want to do is purge. ALL I WANT TO DO is purge. But I am not going to purge today. Today is going to be a purge free day. 100% I'm all in. This miserable feeling will not last forever. I will feel fine in just a little while. In just a little while I will feel much better. I am not going to purge today.

Today is going to be a success. Yes, my stomach is bloated. YES I want to purge. But I am going to make it through. And I will wake up in the morning feeling better. Tonight I will have my night snack and I will survive. Food is fuel. It is not going to hurt me or make me ugly or worthless. I am worthy. I am worth more than my eating disorder. I will not let it control me.

I have also decided to stop calorie counting. It just isn't helpful. I'm worried that it will be hard not to count… but it can't be as miserable as constant calculating all day. I am heading in the right direction. I can do this.

Root for me!!

I can fight through this

Really struggling with the recent calorie increase. We did it to prevent binging and it's been helpful but feels SUPER uncomfortable. I am crawling out of my skin right now waiting for the bus home. I'm glad I don't have money on me because it would certainly be wasted right now. I want to purge!!! But I am NOT going to let the eating disorder win. I am stronger than my disease. I am strong enough to fight through!!!!!

Eating is a good thing. It gives me energy. It makes me strong. Eating is good... Then why does it feel so damn awful??? I will get through these first few

Days of hell and refeeding and feel better. I'm sooooo bloated. But it will pass. It's

Ok. Wearing comfy clothes helps. I can power through. 

Keep fighting. Must. Keep. Fighting. 

Good morning!

Good morning :)

I'm glad it's a new day. Yesterday turned out a little rocky. But it's a new start now. I've had my ensure latte and will have breakdast once I print out my big project for school. I am so relieved that this project is done! I was really panicky about this project so turning it in will feel reallllly nice. 

I am seeing my dietician today since we can't meet Friday. She agreed I don't have to be weighed today since I just got weighed Friday so I feel a little better about seeing her. I just have a weird thing about being weighed after eating all day. I feel like it makes the scale lie. I know it's silly but it really bothers me!

Breakfast this morning: egg white sandwich, greek yogurt with honey and berries, and my ensure latte. I can eat this and keep it down. No excuses. I am stronger than my eating disorder. End of story.

Have a lovely day!!

Took a turn for the worst

This afternoon took a turn for the worst. I got hungry halfway through the afternoon and things didn't end up well. Dinner didn't go well either. I am eating a frozen ensure now, but I feel as though I've failed. Ugh. Yesterday was so good. I wish I hadn't freaked out halfway through the day.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new chance to do good. I can do this, I can. I stumbled today. But it's ok. I'm learning and changing and growing and I WILL beat this. I can do this I can.

Tonight I am having a movie night with some friends. Hoping to distract and make it a good night.

Feeling motivated

I am feeling motivated today. I feel happy. I feel proud of myself. I feel excited for the future. I haven't felt like this in a long time, and it's AMAZING! I've been so sad and down on myself. I've told myself I'm horrible, that I'm a worthless loser, that I'm unloved. But you know what? Saying those things to yourself only make you unhappy. How is telling yourself you're a loser going to make you feel better?? IT'S NOT!! It's only going to make you feel crappy. And that's how I've felt the past few weeks. Awful about myself. But today I am switching things up.

Today I choose to be POSITIVE. I am strong. I am worthy. I am not a loser, I am a fighter, and I have so many good things to look forward to. Thanksgiving won't be with my family, but I will have thanksgiving with my program and it will be nice. I won't be seeing the play I wanted to see tonight but I will have some girls over for a movie night. I am going to New Orleans in less than a month to see my grandma, my best friend, and my KITTY!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!! And in order to travel I have to be healthy, so that's what I'm doing. I'm being healthy.

Sometimes I feel silly. I'm proud of myself because I'm eating… isn't everyone supposed to eat?? Yes everyone is supposed to eat. But for me it's harder. Eating is a challenge. And when I eat, it is a victory. It seems silly I know to others who don't struggling with an eating disorder, but every day free of eating disorder behaviors is a success. Yesterday, for me, was a HUGE success. I ate everything I needed to without purging. I even had two ensures to make sure I didn't binge and that I had in enough nutrition. I feel proud of myself for yesterday, and so far today I am doing well. Small victories, that may seem trivial, but they're not. They are a big success.

So be proud of yourself. Every meal, every snack is a victory. Every time you fight against your eating disorder voice you are becoming that much stronger. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are determined. You are wonderful. Never EVER give up on yourself. Keep fighting and fighting and even when you feel like you want to give up, keep going because it's worth it. Recovery is worth it.

Gonna be a good day!!

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. I did so well yesterday I am feeling really happy and confident. This morning so far I have had coffee with half an ensure, waffles, egg whites, and blueberries. I am so excited about all my wonderful foods from Trader Joes. I bought pumpkin butter and put it on my waffles and it was delicious.

I am going to rest for a while and then have oatmeal for snack. I have been binging on oatmeal so eating it in moderation is a big step. And I bought strawberries and cream oatmeal which is delicious :) so I'm excited.

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!

GOOD DAY

I HAD A GOOD DAY!!!!!

NO restricting, no purging. I did it. A whole day! I knew I could do it.
I ate a little more today… but I don't feel bad. I feel ok. I don't feel guilty. I feel good. Proud even! I am so relieved to have made it through a whole day. I can't convey how happy I am.

Tomorrow I will wake up refreshed to a new day.
Good night my friends.

Really good day!

Today was a really good and successful day. I hung out with a friend and it was awesome! I haven't had a good day like this in ages it seems. We first went to target and walked around. I bought ensure because I'm relying it for now and it's the least expensive at target. I also got strawberry and cream oatmeal and drink mixes. 

 

Then we went to Panera for lunch. I was anxious but the food I got was really good and felt ok! I had a chicken hummus salad with veggies and a bowl of black bean soup and an apple. I was super full but didn't really have any urges! That's a huge deal! And soup can be really triggering for me. But after lunch we walked around and distracted and I was ok :)

Then we did some clothes shopping. I actually bought a pair of black skinny jeans!! I feel comfortable in them and they are stretchy which is nice. And I got purple leggings. 

Then we went to Starbucks. I was all excited to try the newest drink, the chestnut praline latte, but I didn't like it. So I got a peppermint latte which was ok, not hot enough though. I was kind of disappointed. I guess I had high hopes and it just wasn't what I expected.

Then the best part of the day... We went to trader joes!! It's my all time favorite grocery store. They have lots of vegetarian items for a good price. I spent 40 bucks!! But I got tofu and pumpkin butter and trail mix and tofurkey and noodle bos and veggie corn dogs.... All delicious stuff I will certainly eat! I didn't get any desert items because I'm still kind of bingy but I feel confident with what I bought. So exciting!

Now it's time for dinner. Gonna end the day strong!

Nightmare

Last night I had a nightmare. I don't know what it was… I don't remember. All I know is that I woke up and I could not breathe. I was coughing and gasping for breath and it was really scary. I was afraid I'd have to call 911. But I was able to get out my inhaler and breathe deeply and try to calm myself down. It was really scary. I haven't woken up from a dream like that for a long time. I used to wake up sick from dreams all the time. Scary.

Today I am going to play with kitties and then I am having lunch and hanging out with a friend I haven't seen in a while. I am SO excited to see her because it's been forever. I am really looking forward to it. We are going to have lunch at Panera and walk around target.

This morning for breakfast I am experimenting with egg white oatmeal. Supposedly it makes the oatmeal more fluffy and adds protein as well. I will let you know how it turns out. Today is a chance to make things work. I am going to reserve my ensure for when I feel bingy and avoid that dilemma.

Happy Saturday!

Sad

Today I'm sad. I am not going to be spending thanksgiving with my family and I was supposed to see Wicked this weekend and that isn't happening either :( I feel sad and unwanted. I feel like I've done something very wrong and I don't know how to fix it. So sad.

I met with my dietician today. It was ok. We talked about making sure I get in. All my starches and exchanges to prevent binging and purging. I am drinking an ensure every day to make sure I'm getting enough nutrition. But I feel sad. And I don't want to eat I want to hide. 

Dinner out tonight. I can do this.

In a funk

Today I feel depressed. I am sitting here playing with kitties but I can't seem to get out of this funk. I'm sad and tired and anxious about my session with my dietician. It feels like the only thing I can think about. What will she say? What is my weight? Is my meal plan staying the same? Am I going to be threatened with residential???

I need to focus on the present. I am here now with kitties and friends to play and talk and enjoy my time. I felt super anxious after breakfast. But I can do this. 

I can do this.

Happy Friday!

Today is Friday! YAY! Finally going to have some days off. I have a huge school project to complete but I am sure I will get it done. I jus have to get into the right mode and then I can get tons of work done. Maybe later today, maybe tomorrow. It will happen though. 

Today I am seeing my dietician. I am going to have lunch with her, and I hope she can inspire me and give me some words of wisdom. She is so patient with me. I am a pain in the ass!!!! I have to get weighed… but I'm pretty sure my weight is ok. I have been eating. Maybe not quite enough, but I feel as though my weight has maintained. I guess we will see. 

This morning I am playing with kitties… great way to get my mind off things. I missed the kitties last week because I was in the hospital so I'm looking forward to some kitty love!! 

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Failure - AGAIN

I did SO well today. I ate my meals, drank an ensure, I did EVERYTHING right. And then after dinner I was still starving… so there was a bowl of oatmeal, and cereal, and waffles, and it didn't end well at all. Ugh. What is wrong with me? I feel like such a failure. Now I'm hungry. And I will have my snack tonight. But I feel so bad. I am really sad. Sad that I can't get myself together. Sad that I can't seem to make healthy choices for myself. Sad that I am stepping backwards.

But overall I am moving forward. I had mostly a good day today. Better than other days at least. I made good choices for most of the day. And I can make good choices tonight. I'm thinking cinnamon raisin toast and sweet egg whites, and a banana. Safe. But tasty. I can do this.

I hope I sleep well tonight. I really need to shut my brain down. Going to bed early.

Until tomorrow.
Fight on friends!!!

I matter

Today has been hard, and successful. But overall successful. I had therapy this morning and I was an absolute pill. Really negative. I didn't want to hear any positive feedback, I wasn't in the place to get any kind of feedback. All I could think was "I am turning into nothing" Abbi is going away and Alison is going away and Rosie is there and I'm here, but what if we all go away? I don't want to die… but I also don't really want to exist. There's a difference. Right now I'm existing. I'm not fully living. I want to LIVE and THRIVE and be happy and joyful and feel that there is meaning to my life. I don't want to spend my days crying because I want to be dead. I want to feel alive.

I gave my therapist a really hard time. Wouldn't accept any of her help, wouldn't allow myself to hear the positive feedback she was giving me. I really distorted things in family therapy yesterday. What was said - they are not angry, they are proud I reached out for help and did what I needed to take care of myself. What I heard - you are a fuck up. That is how I feel. I am a fuck up. A failure. A loser.

But I CAN'T keep telling myself all this negative talk. I am just bringing myself down, lowering myself into a hole that is getting deeper and deeper that eventually I won't be able to climb out of. It is time to start being nicer to myself. To allow myself to hear the positives. To acknowledge that I am loved and cared for. Because I do make a difference in peoples lives. I matter. I don't believe that statement right now… but maybe if I repeat it enough I will start to believe it. I matter.

You matter. Don't ever think otherwise.
Trying to hold it together.

New day

It's a new day. A new start. And I'm glad because last night did not end well. But it's a new start. All I can do is move forward.
Today will be a good day. Breakfast is my favorite these days…. egg white omelette and cinnamon toast with honey nut cream cheese. Today we go grocery shopping so I am excited about that. I put ensure plus on the list… as much as I hate ensure, it is a saving grace for me. Sometimes it's the only way I can get in enough calories. And you know what? That's ok. As I explained yesterday, nutritional supplements are not a failure in any way! They are condensed, complete nutrition and sometimes that's what we need. So I will be drinking ensure. And that's ok.

I notice more people are reading my blog :) Thank you! I am sorry things have been so negative lately. I really am trying to stay positive it's just hard because I've been in a pretty negative place. My mind feels all jumbled and I feel pretty spacey these days. But I'm trying really hard to get back to myself. It will take some time.

Today I am going to try to conquer some fear foods and eat everything I need without reacting after. Today I am going to try my hardest to be healthy.

I can do this.
You can do this.
Keep fighting friends!

Feeling like a horrible person

I had family session this afternoon. And it was hard. Really hard. We talked about me being in the hospital, what that means for the family, how it affects everyone. And it wasn't pretty. At least not in my eyes. In reality, my parents were proud that I reached out for help and glad I am ok. Somehow I heard that as disappointment. My brain is fumbled. And I'm afraid that my therapists are also disappointed in me although they have said nothing to that effect. So I'm confused. I feel like a rotten awful terrible horrible person. I'm trying so hard but failing. I'm trying to be a better person. I wish I was a Better person.

Food today was alright. I'll admit on the light side. Made toast and egg whites again for lunch, cereal and an apple for snack, and then chicken and broccoli for dinner: I couldn't bring myself to eat the pasta. Foods are scaring me left and right and I'm not quite sure what to do other than face them head on and deal with the fears and uncomfortability. I  have to face them at some point. Can't be afraid of food forever.

I will have a night snack and move on with my evening. Toast with peanut butter and banana, and I think I'll make some hot coco. 

Still feeling like a horrible person. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. 

For now I'd like to crawl into a hole and not come out.

I will never be satisfied

There's this subject of weight. It's a big topic in society these days... How much do you weight? What's your bmi? Do you count calories? What diet are you on? It's nonsense. Obsession. And I actively participate in the insanity.

I don't think I will ever be happy with my weight. I have weighed much more than I do now, and I have weighed much much less. The thing is whether I weighed xx lbs or xxx lbs I was NOT happy. At xx I was desperately thin and painful and fragile looking. I was miserable and weak and had to wear little girl clothing. At xxx I had energy. I wore bigger clothes. I was NOT happy. It doesn't matter what I weigh. In a range of 60 lbs I am never happy.

So I have to look at other pieces of the puzzle. At xx lbs I have achieved the sad little girl look that feels safer to me than being a woman. But I'm tired all the time, I'm sore, I can't walk anywhere, I'm exhausted and drained and very very emotional. Does that sound like a way to live?? NO. It's not. It's miserable.

At xxx lbs I'm a bit on the "plush" side. Bigger clothes, rounder face. I'm miserable. But I feel stronger and have energy. I can walk and run and standup without fainting. 

So where's the balance? Somewhere in between. Today I feel ok about my body. It's somewhere in between. It's a middle ground. I know my dietician will want me to gain some as I've lost weight since being sick. Middle ground.

I will never be happy. I will have to merely accept a healthy body. Work and work and work at acceptance. It's all one can do.

Today I am grateful that even though I've put my body through hell it still functions. Working on acceptance.

I'm a screw up

I am a screw up. I am a failure. I suck. That's how I feel. Breakfast was a failure   ;(. What is wrong with me????? I am CRAZY I am fucked in the head I suck.

I am tired of messing up. Ensure makes me sick. I need an alternative. I need to condense more. I need to not feel full I need to keep things down I need to stop with this nonsense. I hate myself right now!!!!! I am horrible!!!! I am pathetic!!!!! AHHHH.

Enough ranting. I will eat my snack. I  will move forward. It's all I can do. 

I NEED to get a grip.

Such failings 

Ensure does not equal failure

My dietician and I have decided to add an ensure plus to my day, to prevent the bingy feelings I have been experiencing. What's been happening is I've been hungry and then I drink lots and lots of coffee or water and it makes me sick. So today, NO water loading, adequate meals, and an ensure plus. Ensure is not a failure. Ensure is just a back up until I can fully get back on my feet. I will buy real ensure today, as last week I bought generic ensure and it was disgusting haha.

Part of me feels that needing extra supplements is a failure. But it isn't. It's me getting myself back on track. It's me taking charge of my nutrition and preventing the bingy feelings that have been going on. I need enough nutrition and this will help me get the nutrition I need.

Today I am going to school. I was up really early so I completed two assignments online and I feel good. I think today is going to be a good day. And I am going to try my very hardest not to count calories…. just makes me upset and there's really no point in making myself upset like that. Food is food. Food is energy. Food is GOOD.

Take charge and be healthy TODAY!
Happy Wednesday :)

Diary entry

11/18/14

Gail:

Everything is so confusing. I feel out of place. So confused. Why am I broken? Why do I have to have a jumbled up mind? 

AM I CRAZY?

I am smart. I am not crazy. I am unique. I am cared about. I am not alone but I feel sooooooo small. So little and at times helpless. But we are not hopeless. We are fighters. We are done being treated like a crazy person. I am me. We are us.

I am backwards. I am loopy. I am us. I know we can get healthy again. We are eating: we are drinking. We are trying so damn hard. One day at a time. One meal at a time.

I am not crazy. We are Abbi. We are big. We are little. We are complicated.

But we are ok. We are going to be ok. End of story.

An almost successful day

Today was good for the most part, until I hit the 4:00 mark and I was HUNGRY. I didn't want to overeat so I drank way way WAY too much coffee and it made me sick. Ugh. I am so stupid sometimes. I need to stop loading up on coffee. It's not good for me and makes me feel bloated and worse than when I was hungry. BUt I also don't want to be hungry…. maybe I should eat? haha.

School tonight. I packed a sandwich. Light dinner but I feel I need to play it safe right now. I am doing my best. I am trying really really hard to be healthy. I am not bringing any money to school with me so I can't buy anything there. I can't waste anymore money on binge food at school. Really. This is for my own good.

I will do good the rest of the day. All I can do is move forward.
We can do this.

Motivated

I am more motivated than I've been in a while. Motivated to 100% get back to a healthy place. This morning has been a success! Breakfast was cinnamon toast with cream cheese, raspberries, and egg whites. And LOTS of coffee. And then snack was all bran with almond milk and blueberries. I kept it all down! YA! Not even an urge to purge today! Lunch will be a veggie sandwich. Trying to condense my foods as much as possible so I don't feel as full because that's a trigger for me.

There are have been some changes in my life. As I've written before on my blog, I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Well Abbi, our core, is not around right now. My name is Gail. I'm 19 years old, and I have taken over for Abbi for the time being. I know everything Abbi knows. I sound like Abbi. But Abbi needs help to be healthy right now.

I'm afraid that Abbi will fade away and leave the system. But I know she won't. I believe she will come back and be strong for us. For now, I am taking care of Rosie and Bee and all my other little parts that are in need of love and support. Alison, our eating disorder part, has also faded quite a bit. She is not as strong. Eating is going better. It's ok for Alison to "integrate" into Abbi.

I know this is all really confusing. It's confusing to me too. But I'm here and I'm getting back on track.
doing everything I can.

Glad it's a new day

Today is a new day. A new week for me really. I got out of the hospital and I'm back in the swing of things. I am glad to be busy. No time to sit and feel sorry for myself. Food is going better… not perfect… but better. I am contracting with my dietician to stay safe and eat my meals. I have lots of fear foods right now, which is hard, but I am determined to conquer those fears. One at a time. I can do this.

I know I can get over my fears. I can beat the disordered thoughts and urges and come out stronger than ever. Breakfast is cinnamon raisin toast with cream cheese, berries, and egg whites. I'm going to eat it and keep it down. I can do it.

I know nobody is reading right now… but I'm back so PLEASE come back and read my blog!!! I am here, I am back, I am alive I am motivated, I am inspired! Don't give up on me.

Have a lovely Tuesday.

Rambling

I got out of the hospital this afternoon. Eating at the hospital was really challenging…. very light meals and almost no snacks. I tried my best, did some ensures (regular not plus) and made sure I stayed hydrated. I'll admit… I saw my weight. And I was shocked that the number was about 15 lbs LESS than I had anticipated. I don't know how I feel about this. Confused really. 

When I got home today I planned to have a big snack, but ended up with an apple and some carrots because I was SO hungry and afraid I would end up binging. Drank LOTS of decaf coffee. Dinner was a usual… salmon, rice, and steamed veggies. I didn't have any rice. Carbs have been scary for me lately, I don't know why. And, of course, I am still hungry. I am going to plan out a night snack, but I am so afraid of binging and undoing the good day I've had. I'm drinking sweet decaf coffee right now to try and stave off binge feelings,but I know I'm still hungry and I know I need to eat. I just don't know what's safe. My brain is all jumbled up. I am NOT purging. NOt going to happen. But I don't know what feels safe to eat. It seems like all I feel safe with is fruits and vegetables :( Need to challenge myself I know, but I don't want to fail. I desperately DESPERATELY want to keep myself on track with eating. Foods that felt safe a few weeks ago are scaring me… oatmeal, peanut butter, even high calorie cereals and I don't know why. 

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just feeling really confused and desperate. Part of me just wants to drink ensure all day so I don't have to think about food. But I want to be healthy and normal around food. 

Any words of wisdom? How do I attack "fear" foods (there are lots of them right now) without going overboard, or without having a complete meltdown?

Thanks for reading. 

I am back!!

I am back from a short stay at the hospital. I didn't have access to a phone or computer so I've been MIA. But I am ok. Doing much better, feel more stable. Things are ok. Still working to get back on track with my eating. I am doing much better. I am off to see my therapist now. Will write later :)

Going to be gone

I'll be going to the hospital Tonight. Not sure if I'll be able to update or blog. 

I'll be ok. Root for me. Stay strong 

Trouble

I saw my therapist this morning and I did not get good news. She told me that if my weight isn't up on Friday I will be going back to the residential house. That I may need more support. My response: NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I refuse to step backwards. I cannot go back to that restrictive environment I would be so incredibly disappointed in myself. I can't do it. CANNOT. 

So what do I do? NO purging NO restricting, eat a little more than I'm comfortable with. I have to get my weight up. I honestly thought my weight was fine.. but I was wrong. 

I HAVE to make this work. Today I had breakfast and I had a latte for snack, and then I will have my lunch. Lunches have been hard for me, so I am determined to make it successful. I can do this. No residential for me. I am stronger than this. I am motivated. I am fighting with everything inside of me. I can do this. I must do this. No other options. 

Lunch in 30 minutes. I can do this.

Panic attack central

For some reason I am really really panicky these days. This morning my heart was pounding out of my chest and I felt like I was going to pass out or be sick. So I took my anxiety medicine. It hasn't kicked in yet so I hope it helps. I feel miserable.

I know this feeling will pass it just feels terrible in the moment. I'm overwhelmed with school and therapy, I wish I never had to eat again.... Ugh I hate feeling this way.

But I am strong. I can get through this: I'll do my schoolwork, I'll eat, I will be successful. I can do this.

I've contracted

I've contracted not to have any eating disorder behaviors today. It's going to be hard, but I know I can do it. I will have to fight really hard. But I can follow through and live up to my contract.

Breakfast this morning was sweet eggs with blueberries and a bagel with cream cheese. It tasted good, although the eggs were a little overdone. I will have to continue experimenting with that. I am going to a group now so I have a distraction. Food is medicine. Food is fuel. I need it to survive. I will eat today and keep that food down. End of story.

How do you keep yourself motivated? How do you get through hard things?

Root for me today .

Today

Today started out as a failure. Didn't do well with breakfast, snack, or lunch. But after lunch I made an ensure latte and drank that. And then I had dinner which was actually really tasty. I made chili with rice and steamed carrots. Tasted really good. In fact I was still hungry and I could have had another serving. But I didn't. I feel really guilty when I'm still hungry after eating what is on my meal plan. It feels like I shouldn't be hungry but I am. Weird feeling and super uncomfortable for me. I don't like being hungry. After dinner I talked to my roommate and made decaf coffee and now I feel ok. I will have my snack in a little while. 

I keep losing faith in myself. Sometimes I just want to give up. Throw in the towel and say I can't do this anymore. But I can do this. I can. I've done it before and I can do it now. Tomorrow is a new day. A chance to start fresh. I plan to make it a good day. I have a group right after breakfast so I can't get in trouble. And then I see my therapist and I will talk to her. I know I can do this. I can. I just have to make the healthy choice no matter what. It's time to officially turn things around. I can do this.

Have a good evening. Have a delicious night time snack and sleep well my friends.

Until tomorrow.

Failing again

I find myself failing once again. Messing up from the beginning of the day. Not making things work. Wasting money. What is wrong with me?? Why am I like this?? I don't understand ;(

I can still move forward. I have lunch in a little while and I will do ok with that. I know I can do this. I am stronger than this. I can do this. I wish I believed in myself more 

I'm trying. I have to make this work.

Moving forward :/

New day

It's a new day. A new start. A chance to be successful. I am SO grateful that every day is a new beginning.

Today I plan to follow my meal plan and not have any behaviors. I know I can do it. I did it on Saturday! Yesterday wasn't as successful but that's ok. It's a new day and I can so do this. I am determined!!!!

Breakfast this morning is Greek yogurt with granola cereal and blueberries. That is a healthy, wonderful breakfast that I deserve to keep down. Hopefully it will fill me up and I will be satisfied. I've had problems the past few weeks of being really hungry even after I've had my meal and followed my meal plan. I'm hoping this breakfast will be filling and satisfying.

Today I'm wearing a new sweater that I bought and it feels really comfortable. It helps to wear comfortable clothes. It's a loose sweater so I won't worry so much about body image. That's always good. I'm wearing my favorite skirt as well. It's a bit cooler today, thank goodness! It's November and the weather has been in the high 80s and low 90s! Ridiculous, and we are in the middle of a drought. I'm glad it's cooling down. I can bring out my wintery clothes :)

I'm off to school.
Happy Monday!

There are ups and downs

Today was not as successful as yesterday. Had a few slip ups and didn't follow through with my plan 100%. But I don't feel like I failed. I feel like I did ok. I tried hard and didn't make it work completely but it wasn't a total failure. I had a smallish dinner and I was still hungry but I made it through without overreacting. Now I've had two big cups of coffee and I'm full. I will have my snack in a little while. I always look forward to my night snack. It's my favorite snack of the day.

Tomorrow is a new day. I can do this. Try again in the morning. I know I can be successful, I did it yesterday. It is uncomfortable, but I can do this.

I am still fighting! Are you?

Day 2

Today will be day 2 of success with eating. It feels good to be back on track. Well, it feels kind of good. I'm miserable but proud at the same time. Being in recovery is really really REALLY hard. It's miserable at times and so so hard. But it IS worth it. Recovery is SO worth it.

This morning I will be making french toast. Mmmmmm. And it will taste delicious AND I will keep it down! I have contracted to stay safe and not engage in behaviors and that is exactly what I'm going to do. No behaviors for me. Doesn't matter how bad the urges are or how upset and desperate I feel. I am on the road to health.

I am fighting as hard as I can.

NEVER give up on yourself. You can do this.

A successful day

Today has been a successful day. Does it feel good? Absolutely not. But I did good. I did everything I needed to and I'm determined to end the day strong. I ate breakfast; yogurt, granola, and berries. I ate snack; Cheerios and raspberries. I ate lunch; hummus sandwich and salad and cooked carrots, a piece of chocolate. I ate snack; a baked apple. I ate dinner; tilapia, rice, and broccoli. I ate healthy. I ate almost what I needed. Snack will be pop tarts and a banana. I've had lots of coffee to get rid of hunger. I did it. I ate it all and kept it down. That is a success.

The thing is, I'm miserable. I am bloated and full and uncomfortable. Eating after a period of restricting/purging is really hard. For me I swell up in my stomach and legs. I have terrible acid reflux. I have stomach pain and nausea. But it only lasts a few days. If I can get through these few days I will be ok. I can do this: I am doing this.

Tonight I will go to sleep and wake up refreshed tomorrow. The morning is the best time. No fullness and swelling.

I am back to fighting!! We can do this!!

Things to do instead

Things to do to not binge/purge/overexercise/self harm

1.)Call a friend, your sponsor, a support person, anyone who you can talk to who will either get your mind off of food, or someone to talk to about whatever it is that you might be feeling.

2.)Go for a walk

3.)Drink a cup of tea

4.)Meditate or listen to a quit binge eating hypnosis session. 

5.)Give yourself a manicure/pedicure– can’t binge with wet nails.

6.)Volunteer at the SPCA to walk dogs or pet cats.

7.)Go to a movie if the food there is not a trigger.

8.)Watch a funny movie at home.

9.)Take a shower, give yourself a hot oil treatment, shave your legs, tweeze your brows– self care time.

10.)Get organized sort out your bills, create a budget– organize your home, your closet, your life! Often getting organized can help you feel more in control and enable you to thwart a binge, which can often feel very out of control.

11.)Draw, paint or color.

12.)Knit or do needlepoint

13.)Take a nap

14.)Get out of your house and into your car, go to the beach, the lake, the park… somewhere pretty and relaxing.

15.)Clean out your closet, donate your old clothes or sell them on eBay.

16.)Go window shopping.

17.)Read a good book.

18.)Clean!

19.)Put on music and dance it out.

20.)Go out dancing.

21.)Call your friends over and have a dance party.

22.)Go to the gym.

23.)Stretch, go to a yoga class, do a yoga DVD or an exercise or yoga class on OnDemand cable.

24.)Take a relaxing bath with nice bath salts or essential oils.

25.)Write in your journal

26.)Move! Do jumping jacks, run in place, anything to move a little energy and release some tension.

27.)Scream into a pillow.

28.)Pray

29.)Go to an OA or EDA meeting, either online, in person, or on thephone.

30.)Go to an online support forum with other people dealing with  eating issues.

31.)Read a (non triggering) magazine

32.)Write  a blog!

33.)Twitter!

34.)Read personal journey blogs about others recovering from binge eating. For instance,  Eating Journey, Healthy Girl, Recovery Discover,You’d be so pretty If…, Curbing the Crave, or The Binge Diary.

35.)Sing!

36.)Get your hair done or do your own hair. Experiment with different styles, curling iron, flat iron, curlers, etc.

37.)Make cards for people, catch up on Thank You notes, send out notes to relatives you haven’t spoken to or seen in a long time.

38.)Go out and take photos.

39.)Scratch things off your “to do” list

40.)Play video games.

41.)Play scrabble online

42.)Chat with friends on facebook or update your facebook profile

43.)Write and direct a short play with stuffed animals or Barbie dolls or action figures or your pets or sock puppets and videotape it to put on youtube.

44.)Download MP3s

45.)Give yourself a foot massage

46.)Smell lavender

47.)Pick flowers

48.)Garden

49.)Create a collage

50.)Go bowling/miniature golf

51.)Scrapbook

52.)Write an angry letter to whomever you are holding anger at. You don’t have to send it, just let it out.  Afterwards, put it somewhere safe. You might let go of some emotions that you’d been stuffing and you might find that you no longer have the urge to binge.

53.)Go through old pictures

54.)Cuddle with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, daughter, son, cat, dog, teddy bear, etc.

55.)Do karaoke, you can either go out to do it, or do it at home with OnDemand Cable if you have it.

56.)Water your plants– if you don’t have any, go out and buy some plants!

57.)Go through your closet and donate all clothes that are too big, too small, out of date or unworn. Keep the clothes that you feel good about yourself in.

58.)Zone out in front of the TV, catch up on your shows– as long as television is not a binge trigger.

59.)Play music! If you play an instrument, whip it out and start playing. If not, teach yourself to play one. Beat on some bongos, ping a triangle, strum a guitar, whatever is convenient to you. If nothing, make an instrument out of household objects and play it.

60.)Tell the binge that you are stronger than it. You are stronger than the urge to binge. Just because you want to, doesn’t mean you have to.

61.)Brush and floss your teeth

62.)Catch up on your emails

63.)Learn a new language!

64.)Make a rubber band ball. Try to beat the guy who made the world’s largest rubberband ball.

65.)Write a letter to your future self, your recovered self about what you’re going through right now.

66.)Write some notes with positive messages and post them around your home or get out of the house and put them up in dressing rooms, public restroom mirrors, restaurants, — help Operation Beautiful!

67.)Make a list of why you rock. Think about what’s great about you. Can’t think of those things? Call someone who loves you and ask them to tell you.

68.)Spin around in circles like a *Whirling Dervish.

*Whirling Dervish (wurl-ing dur-vish) n. 1. A mystical dancer who stands between the material and cosmic worlds. His dance is part of a sacred ceremony in which the dervish rotates in a precise rhythm. He represents the earth revolving on its axis whileorbiting the sun. The purpose of the ritual whirling is for the dervish to empty himself of all distracting thoughts, placing him in trance; released from his body he conquers dizziness.

69.)Light candles and incense and relax

70.)Explore your neighborhood or town.

71.)Call a friend or relative who has been unhappy lately and needing some support. Sometimes giving support can be incredibly heartening and also supports the supporter.

72.)Use crayons to color hard! This can release tension.

73.)Build a terrarium.

74.)Search through your couch and house for change! Put everything you can in a jar and put it aside to start a fund for yourself as a motivator in your recovery. Every time you reach a milestone (ie: no bingeing or restricting for one week) you can buy yourself something fun, like a new pair of shoes, or some jewelry or new CD, or whatever you like within reason.

75.)Write a long, heart wrenching letter and stick it in a bottle and send it off.

76.)Roll on your back. This is a spinal massage that helps you to feel relaxed and rejuvenated.

77.)Drink a glass of water.

78.)Play solitaire

79.)Read positive affirmations.

80.)Write out your intentions or personal goals for yourself for the week. Write out both long term and short term goals- things that you are striving for and ways to help you get there.

81.)Throw a temper tantrum! Go into your bedroom, lay on your stomach in your bed and scream into your pillow while you kick your legs and punch your hands into the bed. Ever see kids do this? They expend all that energy and it moves right through them. As adults, we can’t really do this and lots of anger and pain winds up feeling stuck in the body. We often try to stuff that down with food and for some, get rid of it by purging.

82.)Plan a party or get together or weekend trip with your friends.

83.)Go bowling, play pool, play golf or miniature golf, play basketball, hit tennis balls, go to a batting cage.

84.)Beat up your pillow.

85.)Make jewelry out of household items or beads or coins.

86.)Smell aromatherapy oils.

87.)Paint your garbage can.

88.)Make stuffed animals or throw pillows out of old clothing.

89.)Give yourself a facial treatment.

90.)Look through old pictures.

91.)Pretend that you are a tourist in your old city or town. Look up things to do that tourists would do and do it!

92.)Teach yourself to juggle.

93.)Go to the museum or the zoo. If it’s not the right time, go to anonline museum and learn all about art.

94.)You can also take that old clothing, especially those that are significant to your eating disorder days, and cut it up into squares and make a “recovery quilt.”

95.)Make a cootie catcher with positive messages inside.

96.)Do a home makeover! Rearrange your furniture, get rid of things that you no longer want– sell them on eBay! Put up some curtains, just make things pretty for yourself.

97.)Do online crossword puzzles or sudoku or boggle.

98.)Enter sweepstakes.

99.)Do volunteer work.

100.)Write a novel, short story, or poetry.

101.)Fight Procrastination! Do homework, write that paper you’ve been putting off, work on your dissertation (ahem…)

Instead

It's after lunch and I'm PANICKING. I want to run away, escape, have behaviors, I know it would give me relief. But does it help me in the long run? Absolutely not! I am going to fight through this. I've eaten the right amount, not too much not too little. Maybe a little too much hot sauce haha. But I've had enough and I DESERVE to keep this food down.

I am going to do the right thing. I am struggling now, but in an hour I will feel ok. I cannot mess up my chance at independence. I REFUSE to go backwards. I do not need more support, I am doing this now, today, this is a new chance at life. A life that is healthy and whole, not sick and broken. I can do this. I contracted to my therapist not to purge until tonight, and I will keep that contract. I owe it to her, she's been so good to me. And I owe it to myself. I am stronger than my eating disorder. I am stronger than my sickness. I am brave, I am strong enough. This is happening.

Until tonight I promise to stay strong. Purging will get me nowhere. Yes, it might provide temproary relief. But it will feel terrible later. I can do this.

Root for me!

Success

Last night I contracted to my therapist not to use any eating disorder behaviors, and I have been successful! I wanted so badly to have behaviors last night but I didn't. I feel proud of myself. This morning has gone well also. Had my breakfast and a coffee, and I felt ok. Now I'm eating snack. I am getting myself back on track. I can do this.

I want to be free. I want to be able to eat and not panic. I want to be happy and healthy. I want to be FREE!! It's time for me to turn things around. I can do this.

Have a lovely Saturday!

Getting back on track is a MUST

Now getting back on track with my eating is a MUST. I must happen. Today I had a hard session with my dietician… and she brought it up: me going back to residential. This CANNOT happen. I am happy having freedom and independence, I have a life now. I am in school and volunteering, I CANNOT go backwards. End. Of. Story.

Game plan: eat and keep it down. I have some support especially with dinner and I need to embrace that support. I have staff to keep me from getting in trouble. Last night I just waited until the staff was gone. Tonight I will utilize the support. I am doing automatic thought record sheets and affirmations, there is NO reason why I can't get myself back on track. The truth is, when I was in residential I could have continued purging and restricting. But I decided to get my act together and when it was time I did it. I was miserable, but I did it. I can do it now.

I guess I'm hesitant to get "better" this time because my weight is really fine. I lost some weight being sick but gained it back. To be honest, my weight really bothers me. I feel so so ugly when I'm bloated after a day of eating. But I have to work through it. I am NOT going to residential with all the snotty staff and no freedom. I am staying independent. I am turning things around.

Today. I start today. The first part of the day was not successful. But lunch was and so will snack and dinner and night snack. I am going out to dinner with my house tonight, I will eat and keep it down. I deserve to be nourished. My body needs it. Weight is irrelevant. I am depleting my body of the nutrients that it needs and that's not ok. I need to treat my body with kindness. I would NEVER abuse someone else the way I abuse myself, both physically and emotionally. I am so so hard on myself and really very cruel to my body. That stops now.

I will read as many flipping affirmations as I need to to get through this tough time. I am strong. I am brave. I am capable. I am alive. I am resilient. I am loved and lovable. I am a good friend. I am a good sister. I am a good daughter. I am a fighter. I can do this.

PLEASE root fo me. I need someone on my side. Someone who actually believes I can get through this lapse.
And I must root for myself.
I can do this.
Keep fighting friends. We can do this.