Able to get back on track

Something I'm very proud of is my ability to get back on track after a rough day. Sunday was hard. I had behaviors all day and felt really terrible about it. I felt weak and shaky and tired and ready to give up... But you know what I did? I went to sleep, woke up the next morning, and got back on the band wagon. I didn't let that bad day bring me down. 

This is very different from in the past. In January I had been doing well for about three months. And then I purged once and in a week I completely unravelled. I couldn't catch myself, I couldn't get back on track. I was sucked into the spiral of relapse and I was so discouraged that I tried to commit suicide. At that point I thought I would just never get better. I lost hope. I didn't want to go back into treatment. I didn't want to get help. I thought the only way out was to kill myself. I see now I was wrong.

It took several months for me to want to live again. I lied my way through another round of treatment and then relapsed pretty hard. I restricted and purged until I was so weak that I almost needed to go into the hospital again. But I found strength. Something inside me clicked. I decided it was time to live: not just survive, to truly be alive. I started fighting back and with a vengeance. I started eating and drinking. I watched as my body rounded out. I rested and listened to my treatment team. And I bounced back. I started feeling like I was ok. I could stand without getting dizzy and falling over. I could walk to my treatment center and not pass out. And for the first time in a really long time I had hope that I could really maybe get better.

I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was 4 years old. It's been a part of my life; something that's really affected me. I'm proud to say that for the first time in years I am not suicidal. I want to be alive. I believe I have a future and that I can contribute to the world, and that I deserve to have a fulfilling life. I'm not the same girl I was a few months ago. That girl had no hope. This girl is moving forward.

Things can get really bad. But sometimes when things get so bad the only way to go is up. And things get better. Things do get better.