I'm not sure what to write. I kind of just want to ramble.
Today has been up and down. It started with work development group, which I have every week, and discussed the work I did this week. I did 4 hours working with the kitties at Petco, and the other hour researching which classes I wanted to sign up for. Tomorrow I sign up for classes! And I am so excited!! Finally going back to school after a really long two years of being sick. Every semester I've signed up for classes and every semester I've ended up in the hospital. NOT this time. I am signing up for classes and I am going to actually TAKE these classes. I am taking two child development classes. I am excited because this year I volunteered at our temple preschool, and I was told by the director that if I got my child development credits, I could be hired as a teacher! It would be great to have a solid job while I continue my schooling. I will be applying to a 4 year university this fall hoping that I can start the following year in their social work school. I want to be a social worker, and this university is not top of the line, but it has a good social work program. I am excited for my future for the first time in a really long time! It makes me sad that just a few months ago I was so down and depressed that I tried to end my life, and even sadder that I almost succeeded. My suicide attempt was really scary. I never want to get back to that place where I am so low that I don't want to live anymore. I want to live, I want to thrive.
I also had individual therapy today. As I said earlier, therapy was tough. It makes me question myself, look at myself in ways that I haven't before. I have a lot of work to do. But I have support and people who care about me, and I can do this. I can learn about myself and all my parts, and become a productive adult. I don't have to be sick forever. I am NOT going to be sick forever. I am going to be a picture of health, a true survivor. I don't know if I believe that I can be cured, but I think I can learn to manage my life better.
A little about my parts:
I don't talk much about my parts on here, but they are a big part of my life and affect my day to day life. Polly, who is seven years old, is struggling with my new recovery body. She feels uncomfortable in a woman's body, and I don't blame her... because I also really struggle with having a woman's body. It's a big issue for us. We have a history of trauma and through experiences we have learned that having a woman's body is unsafe so we are trying to challenge those thoughts. My eight year old part, Bee, is still, sadly, suicidal. The other night she banged our head against the floor so hard that it left a bruise. She is struggling with the healthy body as well, and it's sad because she doesn't always want to live. It breaks my heart that I can't seem to comfort her, I just don't know what makes her feel better. I want Bee to feel safe and happy and loved, and I can't seem to make her feel those things. Alison, my 14 year old part, is also struggling with our healthy body, but I haven't heard much from her lately. I think she has stepped back because she knows she doesn't make the healthiest choices for the body. She has grown up a lot and I give her major credit for doing so well the past few weeks. My other parts have been pretty quiet. But they are always there with me. I am never alone. It's a blessing and also difficult at times. It's so much easier to think of my life as an "I" but I am not an "I" I am an "us." My parts matter. All of them. And I love them and care about them. I may not have treated them the way I should have these past few years, but I am changing that. I am giving them the care they deserve.
Tomorrow morning I am having breakfast with my dietician at Panera Bread, and I looked up the menu.. and I'll admit I saw the calorie counts while I was looking. But I am not ordering based on the calorie counts. I will be getting a breakfast sandwich with egg white, spinach, cheese, and avocado, and a fruit salad because there is no fruit in my house right now (we are going shopping tomorrow). I think I will bring my own coffee because I don't have enough money to buy a sandwich, fruit, and a coffee. And my coffee is delicious anyway. Why not save some money?
I also see my parents tomorrow for family session. That is always intense. Hopefully we will all find healing out of this therapy process.
Snack tonight: Oatmeal made with soy milk, and dried cranberries (since there's no other fruit). Not much fun, but that's ok. Tomorrow there will be more food to choose from for snack.
Thanks for letting me ramble and process my thoughts.
Have a lovely night.
