I love running!

I LOVE RUNNING.

This afternoon I was feeling miserable... looking at myself in the mirror and wanting to cry. I didn't want to have dinner (pizza) but I did eat, and caesar salad. I only had one piece, which probably isn't enough... but I ate.
After dinner I was about to burst into tears, wanted to pack my purse and go to the store and eat a pint of ice cream and drown my sorrows. But instead, I put on my running shoes, contracted for safety, and left the house. And I walked fast, and I ran. I know I'm not supposed to. I ran for about 10 minutes, and do you know what? It felt AMAZING. I felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins and the endorphins pounding in my head. I'll be honest, I don't know whether I really like running or if my eating disorder likes it.... But it makes me feel good. It really does. I'm sweaty and gross and panting, but I feel so good. My stomach has less pressure, I have a stitch in my side, but I feel really good.

I am technically not supposed to be running. But I am making an exception. Running is saving my sanity. I don't know if running to make up for calories is another form of "purging" in a way, but I'm not going to think about it that way. Exercise is healthy and I am getting in good shape. There is nothing wrong with that, and I can't go overboard because I have time limits. I can't wait until I don't have time limits for walks.

I feel better. I feel alive.
I am ok.